Rest... Again?!?

Friday, June 21, 2013

I grew up sipping alcohol.... a little here, a little there.  =D

As a kid, I made rice wine from scratch and drank it in a sweet rice wine soup with little colored mochi balls.  So yummy!  Around the house, there’d be bottles of concord grape wine I used to sneak a sip or two.  So sweet!  *wide grin*  Then during Christmas, my family got these little chocolates filled with different types of liquor… those were really fun to try!  In college, I loved sipping hard lemonade… lemonade with alcohol, one bottle would last me the whole night.  Didn’t really like anything else, but definitely have fond memories of foods and drinks with alcohol in it.

Now, I’m allergic to alcohol.  The responses I receive vary from disbelief to casual “oh, you get red in the face?”  I wish… if alcohol resulted in only a change in facial coloration, there would be no issue from my end.  Instead, I’m really REALLY allergic to alcohol (or something in it) that my body gets more and more sensitive to every year: super sore throat, hoarse voice, stuffed and runny nose, dizzy like my body can’t react to moving objects very well and tired… really really tired.  So far, this only lasts about 3-4 days before I’m back on my feet.  

If you want to kill me, give me a shot of alcohol.  *smirk*

Why do I mention this?  Well, starting last week Thursday (June 13), I started to get symptoms of what I thought was an alcohol allergy.

Thursday: onset of sore throat (warning warning!!!)

Friday: fatigue… so hard to focus, left work at lunch.  Canceled a pre-planned hangout and went to sleep.

Saturday: cancel planned paintball activity and slept all day.

Sunday: so tired!  Dragging myself through work… 3 patients took me the whole morning.  Couldn’t last so had to go home.  Sleeping again!

Monday:  went to work, coughing and super tired.  Left after only 3 hours with my voice going hoarse… no more energy, getting itchy… went home to sleep.

Tuesday:  couldn’t get up out of bed.  My most successful distance traveled: bed to couch!  Skipped my acupuncture appointment, couldn’t drive, really itchy!

Wednesday:  Back to work.  So hard to focus… left work halfway and went home to sleep. 

Thursday:  First full successful day at work!  That night, I was able to participate in the College Welcome-Back Night for our young adult Transparent fellowship.  Hurray!!!

Friday:  Coughing my way through work, no longer so dizzy… Yay!!!  Home to rest after successfully completing another 8 hours!!!  Done!!  Okay... time to sleep.

See a pattern yet?  =(

Father in Heaven, when you tell me to rest, I totally get slammed down.  I know chemotherapy can make a person tired, dizzy, weak… all that kind of bad stuff… but you’ve blessed me so much that except for a few instances of nausea and vomiting, you’ve given me the gift of being able to keep running forward.   

This past week, hitting a physical wall, I’m totally stunned!  I know rest is important and getting tired with not being able to work while on chemotherapy is partially expected… but somehow, I never felt that that would be me.  My intention during this chemotherapy trial is to work full time,  run on the paintball field, chase neighborhood kids… doing all kinds of crazy stuff.  From being super active to being completely immobile within a couple of days shocked me so much I kept thinking my fatigue and set of symptoms are from an unknown source of alcohol.

Nope... turns out I've hit my medication threshold.  My body is now not very happy with the chemo medication... too much of it in my system.  Actually, I should have expected this.  *sigh*  Every time I take a medicine for prolonged periods of time... I get some sort of physical reaction.  After a short rest period where my body can clear out the medication, I can restart the medicine without any symptoms until I again hit that invisible barrier.

Lord, you are truly amazing!  When I didn’t have the strength to work, you provided a schedule light enough my co-workers could carry my load and let me leave early.  When I wasn’t safe to drive, you allowed me to be so physically weak I couldn’t even consider making it to work… thereby enabling me not to get stuck at work unable to drive home.  Father, you even cleared and moved my weekend schedule in such a way that I could rest.  God, with my first full day at work yesterday, you enabled me to be present in the college welcome night… leading a game in a hoarse voice but still making it possible for me to talk… amazingly, as I served this whole Thursday night, you gave me enough energy that I didn’t feel super drained.  =O

Thank you, Lord God, for your abundantly crazy provisions!  Even the food you provide from so many families at church and Noel's family… Father, without that blessing, I don’t know what I would have done… this past week, I had absolutely no energy to cook, clean, and sometimes barely enough energy to brush my teeth.  So Lord, because of your constant provisions, I will always continue to sing your praises!   

This week, I got an early break from taking my chemo medication so my body can recover.  Supposedly, I restart my chemo meds next week.  I’m really scared.  If I’m this weak these past 8 days without chemo… what will happen to me when I restart?  *shrug*  Not in my hands.  I can't foresee the future so, Lord, I leave my future in your hands.  Plus, I've seen you open doors and provide in situations where an otherwise positive outcome didn't originally exist!

Father God, you’ve given me this life to live.  I will not shrink from living it.  You’ve led me into many situations I don’t like being in (like this whole cancer thing), but as I walk with you on this journey… to have you by my side… it’s all worth it.  You love me so you’ll grow me.  I trust you and want to return even a fraction of your blessings so that others can experience you too.  For that purpose… for the ability to experience more of you… please keep walking with me.  Keep letting me get into impossible situations that only you can get me out of!  You, O Lord, are so real in my life. Thank you for all these opportunities to know you more.

In Jesus’ name, I lift my Lord God’s name on high, amen.

Getting Through the Pain

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Pain... jagged and sharp.  Spiking and rolling, my stomach muscles spasm as I attempt to curl into a ball.  Touching my abdomen, my stomach cramps up so tight I want to scream.  Slowly, I can feel my internal organs shift with gravity as I attempt to roll onto my back.  Spikes of red flash behind my eyes.  I can't think.  I can't move.  Frozen.  Fearful of moving my body, I allow myself to mentally squirm, trying to find some relief.  Wave after unending wave of pain... when will this stop?

Panting with short shallow breaths, I consider calling an ambulance.  Besides me, Noel is coughing in his sleep, each cough shakes the bed and sends sharp spiking waves of pain through my body.  Deep breaths... come on, Kristy... I know better than to take shallow breaths while in pain!  In through my nose, breathe out through pursed lips... the increase in movement causes more internal muscle spasms.  With each breath, my mind gains clarity... even as I cringe in pain, I am able to imagine that with each breath, I soar like a bird above the earth, above the clouds, out of my body.  Control.  Don't move, just breathe.

I can no longer remember how long I remained in my immobile state, definitely long enough for my side to get sore.  As jagged spikes of pain ripple through my abdomen, I tell myself to move!  Nothing happens.  Finally, I convince my body to roll an inch towards by back.  Sharp waves of pain pierce through me.  Again I freeze.  Breathe... I'm going to throw up.  Nice how not wanting to throw up in bed motivates me to ignore any pain and MOVE.  *smirk*

Rinsing my mouth, I take a sip of the cold refreshing liquid.  Bad idea.  My stomach spasms so hard I fold over.  I can't see.  I can't think.

Again, breathe.

Lost in my sightless world of anguish, I wait for my body to warm up the cold water and calm down the internal spasms.  Great, my body's not settling. 

Rolling waves of pain... I can't massage it out, I tried.  I can't stretch out my stomach muscles to counter the spasms, I tried that too.  There's no way to stop the spasming!  I even tried warm water but my body immediately rebels.  If I can't take in water, I don't dare take any pain meds for fear of increasing my pain.  My body is constantly working to expel no-longer existing food particles.  I need to stop this cycle of spasming, pain, and reaction to both internal and external movement.

Fine.  What's really small and requires minimal water?  My super tiny anti-nausea medicine!  I crawl to the cabinet and grab my little quarter piece... will this be enough?  Half and hour later, I vomit out bile and probably the medicine.  Dare I try another piece?  This is where the hospital comes in handy... if I were there, I can receive IV medications that will instantly remove the pain and give me rest... I just need something to break this cycle.  Movement, pressure, warm water, immobility, throwing up... nothing works!  I have liquid capsules of Advil, but I don't dare drink enough water to take it and the taste of the fluid inside a popped capsule will likely make me regurgitate the medicine fairly quickly.  Useless... about 12 hours of constant, unending pain.  I don't want to go to the hospital so I'll try taking one full small pill of my anti-nausea medicine.  I think I can manage the resulting pain.  Anything to stop this endless misery.  If my body stops wanting to throw up, I believe that the spasms will stop.

Lord Father, thank you for getting me through these past 12 hours.  Crying out to you while I'm in pain, you give me the ability to think even in my mindlessness.  You made me breathe.  You gave me the ability to rise above my pain.  You reminded me that I have medicine I _can_ take.  Poor Noel even moved to sleep on the couch so his coughing wouldn't spike my pain.

Thank you, Lord, for placing my body at rest now... my whole abdomen is tender, but the internal muscles are no longer cramping every couple of seconds.  Thank you, Lord, that in my whole life, I have never felt this severity and duration of pain and nausea.  Can I never experience this again please?  *hopeful look*  Feeling like my body was tearing itself up from the inside... one time is more than enough isn't it?  Thank you for giving me an idea of what pain my body can tolerate and a glimpse of what others may have to go through for a lifetime... but my pain, you took away.  Thank you that Noel stayed home to take care of me... if he didn't, I wasn't sure if I could get up to move or drink.  Even walking, each step gingerly taken, my abdomen still cramps in complaint.

Father, I'm tired.  Give me rest so that I can serve you, fully re-energized, once again.  Our young adult fellowship has a free car wash event this Saturday... can you heal me so I can participate?

Thank you, Lord, that even though I work at a hospital... this time, you kept me out of it.  *wide grin*

In Jesus' name I thank you, Father God, amen.


Saturday, June 1, 2013

Father God, thank you for answering my prayers!!!  Even though I woke up super tired and a little achy, you still settled my body enough for me to come to church. 

As I started serving, you took away all remnants of fatigue and achiness.  I didn't need to walk gingerly.  In fact, you healed me so that I could run, jump off the back of a truck, squat low to wash the bottom bumper of cars and stretch up to wash up high.  YAY!!!

Lord, thank you that I can see you at work so clearly when you call and I follow!  Thank you for taking away all after-effects of Thursdays cramping.  This week was supposed to be my week of rest from chemo.  I didn't expect any symptom, especially since I haven't taken any anti-nausea meds these past couple weeks.  I'm scared to restart the chemo... but Lord, whatever you want out of my life, you'll provide the strength and wisdom for me to make it through.  So, thank you for the reminder to not stop praying.  I got complacent this week and unimaginable pain resulted.  So yup... you bet I'll refocus on praying!  *wide grin*

Thank you, Father, for being a God who listens and answers prayers!  In Jesus' name I lift your name in praise, amen.

Bonnie and I at the car wash event!  YAY!!!