Maui, Hawaii

Monday, October 7, 2013

Mask, check.  Snorkel, check.  Flippers, check.  I don't need anything else right?  *shrug*

Tentatively, I step forward, awkwardly maneuvering my enlarged flipper feet in the loose sand.  Wave after wave slide along the sand, eroding my base of support.  Suddenly, a larger wave crashes into me.  Tumbling and rolling, fighting to stay upright, bubble and air, water, sunlight, sand.  One last roll and I find myself sitting chest deep in water.  Well, I'm in.  No use backing out now.

Mask sealed tight, snorkel clenched between my teeth, I plunge my face into the water.  Hesitantly, I take my first breath.  Fresh air flows in.  Relief!  Breathing with my face submerged is unnatural.  Quelling my rising panic, I force myself to relax.  Softening tension-filled muscles, I allow myself to rock with each passing swell.  Now, another breath, stay relaxed, keep floating. Slowly, kicking my flippers for forward propulsion, I join my sister and youngest brother.

Silver, black, red, yellow... long, thin, sleek or bulky, ignoring all human presence, fishes of all sizes and colors swim and feed below.  Corals and thick-spinned sea urchins sit on scraggly rock surfaces.  Under a choppy ocean surface, clear ribbons of light thread through calm and playful waters.  Soft blue liquid churns white, infused with a screen of bubbles as wave after wave crashes against solid black rock walls.  A large sea turtle glides below, a rising of the head up then down, a single strong stroke of front flippers and the turtle quietly disappears under a rocky ledge.

Staring in wonder, I don't know how much time has passed.  Looking up, I see that the rest of my family is present.  My other brother is now here as well. Surprisingly, besides my dad is my mom. Wow, she actually made it out in these choppy waters!  Floating, we come together as a family.  It’s been many years since our last family vacation... I miss this, the memories of before and the new memories we create together now.

Thank you, Father God, for allowing me a fun-filled, exciting day of fun at the beach.  Thank you for giving me the strength to casually float and watch your amazing creations under water for close to 2 hours!  Lord, I know my body isn't normal anymore and that this one day of fun will cost me for the next day or two... But I'll treasure these memories and this opportunity to be outside with my family.  Thank you for blessing me with being able to go outside and have fun, see new sites, experience new things with the people I love.

Father God, I want more time to hang out with my family... am I being too greedy?  I want to go out and do more stuff, but I just physically cannot.  Sometimes my body is so weak that I feel dizzy standing.  Other times, I only have 15 minutes between restroom breaks.  There's a huge part of me that wants to please my family, give them a good time doing "family stuff."  My family is very thoughtful... they want to stay behind, keep me company so I don't get left out.  More pressure, more stress.  Unable to please, unable to participate... I feel like I’m a burden.  I want to please my family and let them experience the fun of Maui… and my family wants that for me… with them… together.  Grrrrrrrr…. God, this body of mine is so disappointing!  It is good to know that I am loved, wanted… but I’m tired.  I am so tired of always explaining why I can’t eat something when a tasty morsel is offered… why I can’t go out, just to lay on the beach or maybe snorkel a little… why I can’t go with my family to check out cool sites like Dragon’s Teeth or a black sand beach or go shopping.  I’m tired of saying I have to leave only to be pressure to stay longer when I can barely hold myself together.

God, this vacation is filled with such highs and deep lows.  Every moment that passes, I never know when my body will act up.  Lord, God of my life, in your hands I will continue to trust.  I thank you that there are good moments… because of the tough times, I can more clearly see how good the good times are.
Continue to bless me, guide me, provide for me.  In Jesus’ name I ask, I plead, I pray.  Amen.