Feeling Useless

August 3, 2015

How long have I been on disability now?  Close to 3 months I believe.  In these 3 months, I find myself laying in bed hour after hour after hour.  I eat, so dishes pile up.  I change clothes, so laundry accumulates.  

Poor Noel; he works, he cleans, he takes care of the cats, he has obligations as part of the paintball team to practice, and he takes care of me.  So much for being in a marriage where both husband and wife work together.  Noel gives so much by taking care of me.  I take and give nothing in return except to be a source of stress.  This lifestyle irks me.  Sure I don't always feel well, but I'm not incapable of helping out either!

With solid determination to do something and be helpful running in the forefront of my thoughts, I roll to my left.  Kicking my feet off the edge of our super high bed, I half-roll almost onto my stomach before bending my legs.  Reaching my toes to the floor, I forcefully leverage my upper body away from my pile of pillows and the alluring softness of my mattress.  Standing upright, my vision immediately starts to cloud up with a film of gray.  For a moment, everything is in shades of black and white.  My head throbs to the pounding of my heart.  Right hand on my bed for balance, I quickly bend forward at my waist until my head is parallel with the floor and start walking.  This happens everyday, my blood pressure drops, but in about 5 steps, I fully recover.  I can see the beige in the carpet again.  The overwhelmingly loud pounding in my head fades to a soft thumping rhythm.  Once again, I'm upright.  I don't bother to stop walking, but my hand no longer needs to be on the bed for balance.  Okay, time to start being useful!  

Going downstairs, I let my left hand float over the railing.  I don't expect my legs to collapse, but I take pride in being able to say that I haven't blacked out in a while.  *sheepish grin*  Well, at least I've never blacked out while coming downstairs!  *wide grin*  Not something on my to-do list.

Shuffling across the cool laminate flooring, I arrive at my destination; the kitchen.  Surveying the area, I see plates, bowls, and utensils stacked one into another soaking in a bucket of water on the right portion of the sink.  The left sink portion contains more bowls and plates.  To the left of the sink, cups and baking pans sit waiting to be cleaned.  On the stovetop, a large pot with old spaghetti sauce needs to be soaked for easy washing.

Heaving a deep sigh, I mentally prepare for the task at hand.  First, soap the dishes on the left side of the sink.  While rubbing my sponge across the surface of a small bowl, I note the slowness of my hand movement.  Forearms braced against the rim of the sink, my body half-sags for additional support.  This is sad, there's no strength in my arms.  Determined, I use a little more strength, speed up my movements.  I feels my reserves draining faster.  Never mind, if I'm going to finish cleaning even half the dishes, I need to slow down and conserve all my energy.  

I complete washing all the small stuff, the pot's gonna have to wait.  What should have taken 10 minutes (max) to wash just took me 30 minutes!  My hands have no strength.  I can feel the pounding of my heart, the weakness of my legs.  *deep sigh*  Time to rest in bed.  Forget the laundry, sweeping the floor, playing with the cats... I'm at my limit.  Time to lay down again.

Lord, thank you for the motivation to do more than be a blob at home.  Even though I can't fully  contribute my portion of the basic housework, I'm happy that I can do a little something.  Thank you, God, that since chemo was last week, I should be getting stronger this week!  I look forward to getting stronger, doing more, maybe even playing paintball?  *hopeful look*  

Thank you, Father God, for giving me a mind that won't allow me to wallow too long in my weakness.  Thank you for giving me the drive to keep pushing my physical limits so that I don't get even weaker.  Lord, I fear not being able to do anything.  I fear being a useless weight my husband has to deal with.  I fear loosing what little independence I currently have. 

Father, I have many fears; and yet, in your presence, I have joy and hope that is not of this world.  Keep giving me the heart to struggle and not give up.  Give me a smile that shines from your Spirit.  Give me the wisdom to use everything you've placed into my hands for your glory.  Give me your heart to keep loving others.  Make this house you've blessed Noel and I with as a place of rest for the heart, a place your Spirit dwells, a place where you shine so bright that only joy, peace and hope exist because you are clearly here.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Me hanging out in my hyperbaric chamber: