I Wanna Go Home!

July 19, 2015

Soft blue glow of ever-present monitors gently permeates the room.  Click.  The door silently creeps open.  Light from the hallway cuts a harsh bright streak from floor to wall, a stark contrast of white on blue.  There is no such thing as a dark hospital room.  Never.

With a pillow partially over my face, I call in a muffled voice "Come in!"  Is it my nurse?  I peek at the figure now confidently striding in; yup, that's my nurse.  What time is it?  4:20am; the perfect time to start a new day... not.  Argh, I'm getting more and more sarcastic the longer I'm in this hospital. 

I pop up in bed, open my eyes nice and big, and paste on a lively smile, "So, time for my vitals and labs?"

"Yup.  Orders.  Were you sleeping?"

"It's all good.  I'll sleep better when I get home."

Honestly, my patience is wearing thin.  My tolerance to nicely follow orders is badly fraying. My veneer of genial kindness is eroding too quickly to repair.  I can barely paste a square-edged smile on my face when I greet the hospital staff.  I can hear the biting edge of tension, sarcasm, and demand in my words.  Not good, my mask is slipping.

Uh oh, here comes the intern doctor.  She doesn't exactly look excited.  Kristy, be nice! Remember, she's just doing her job and my attitude can make her job easier or harder. Smile.  Be gentle!

"Kristy, your neutrophil count actually went down.  Your resting heart rate is back at 120 and we don't know why.  Sorry, but you won't be able to go home today."

My body freezes as I process the mandatory increase of my hospital stay.  Hopelessness seeps into my mind.  What?  Yesterday, my neutrophil count went up... it was supposed to keep going up!  God, what's happening?  I've been stuck here for the 3rd day already.  I know I said I would accept the doctor's decision, whatever that is, but I find my mouth moving before I can regain enough control to play nice.  As if from a distance, I observe myself pleading, trying everything in my arsenal to justify getting the doctor to let me go home.  I watch myself lose all control as I push limits, consider out loud leaving against medical advice (bad move, leaves a horrible impression on the medical staff), and desperately insist on regaining the semblance of control over my own life.

None of my arguments sway the doctor's decision.  She stands firm, an immovable wall of protocol and hospital rules.  The outcome of prolonging my hospital stay is set in stone.

I don't usually cry, but I can't keep my walls up anymore.  Tears slowly seep out and run down my cheeks.  Roughly I brush it away.  It's hard to be strong when I feel defenseless, helpless, restricted... I'm bound to a place where free-will doesn't exist; the hospital is my prison and I am a slave in shackles.  

I silently scream, but nothing happens.  I'm miserable.  I'm so lost.  I'm broken inside.

God, why are you keeping me here?  I'm not getting any medical treatment.  I'm exposed to more people and more bacteria while stuck in this hospital.  I'm a bug under the microscope. I'm an interesting specimen everybody is observing with no clue what my body is doing! Lord, I'm tired.  I'm sick of being locked up.  Argh!  Why can't I just go home?

Deep breath in.  Slow breath out.  

Father God, forgive me, Lord, for arguing when I said I wouldn't.  Forgive me for making a fuss that only makes everyone feel bad and gets me nowhere.  Lord, give me the heart to accept the entirety of my hospital stay with an attitude that pleases you.  Give me peace and the complete acceptance to trust that your plan is better than mine.  Give me the heart to acknowledge that your timing is sovereign.  Help me to let go of my fight for control.

Lord, as you will it, I will obey and stay in this hospital with gladness and a true smile because I am choosing to serve you first over my own wants.  Lord, you know my desires.  I will continue to trust that you have the best in store for me.  Change my heart.  Change my attitude.  Change me to truly shine with your goodness.  Remove my fake mask, Lord, and give me a spirit that matches yours.

In Jesus' name I thank you for healing my heart, mending my mind, and giving me the strength to walk as you dictate.  Amen. 

Click.  I watch as my main attending doctor walks into my room.  Because of all my pushing to go home earlier, I feel pretty guilty for giving the intern doctor a hard time.  I'm not going to repeat the same mistake twice so I immediately call out, "I'll stay.  Anything you ask of me, I will be good and listen."  

"I will let you go home if you promise to follow a couple guidelines." 

Yes!  I'll do anything to go home!  Nodding my head enthusiastically, I agree.

Wow, God is amazing when and how he chooses to act!  No arguing.  No pleading.  No fighting.  None of my demands.  Just as God changed my heart and my attitude, I believe he changed the attending doctor's decision.  Yay!!!  I didn't meet any of the hospital criteria for going home so all I can say is that God is definitely working behind the scenes.

Praise the Lord!