Now

Ahhhhh... I want to punch something. 

Frustration.  Irritation.  Inside, I feel a welling of emotions; twisting, tangling, knotting.  My stomach churns.  A lump sits in my throat.  Fighting to suppress the rising bile, I decide to take action and sit up.

Tossing pillows over my head, I create a soft sloppy backrest. Wriggling upright, I puff out a breath of air.  Gross.  My mouth is coated in cotton fuzz.  Taking a sip of water, I derive no pleasure from the stagnant blandness.  My tongue is slightly numb and my tastebuds are ineffective at sensing any sweetness.  Everything I eat tastes like it's gone partially bad. Then again, eating just makes me feel worse.

Never mind, I'll deal with eating when I next need to.  Later is better.  

Stupid chemo treatments.

My body shivers as chills run through my limbs. Probably a random low-grade fever.  I get these all throughout the course of a day.  Not an issue.  Ignore it.

Looking for something to do, I turn to focus on my heart.  It's still pounding.  Right hand on my jugular, I hold my index and third finger over the thumping of my pulse.  Twisting my left hand, I count the seconds drifting by on my watch and the pounding under my fingers. Done.  I withdraw my right hand, letting it drop to my side.  Great, my heart rate is 112 in resting.  Guess that's where my headache and fatigue come from huh?

Rubbing my hand together in annoyance, I hear the empty papery sounds of dry skin on skin.  Numb.  I can't feel my hands very well right now.  Supposedly, this is a temporary side effect (for me) of this chemotherapy treatment.  Reaching down, I gingerly touch my toes. That hurts.  My sensation's so messed up that each toe feels bruised.  

In disgust, I throw my arms out wide.  Unmoving, I let my mind wander.  Being physically present, acknowledging my deficiencies, dwelling on altered physical sensations is driving me crazy.  I've slept all day and can't sleep anymore... But I don't have the energy to release my feelings of pent up discomfort. 

Time to withdraw.  If I don't move... I can distance myself.  In a quiet corner of my mind, seal myself inside thick walls.  No one can disturb me here.  I don't feel anything here.  I can pull away from my body and rest.  Close the space smaller.  Tighter.  Deeper.  I can feel my eyes glaze as they drift closed.  The sensations of my body dull out.  Sounds dim.  Away from despair.  Away from things I have no control over.  Away from the troubles of this broken body.  

Peace.

Quiet.

Boredom.

Utterly bored, I crack open my walls.

"Hey, Jesus!  Wanna spend some time with me?"

In the darkness that is not dark, in a place that is formless but has walls, I exist.  I smile with the joy that I'm not alone.  My God walks with me.  He lives in me.  He provides for me.

I am satisfied.