Resistance

Thursday, July 16, 2015

I don't feel well.  I'm sleeping all day, can barely keep my eyes open, and don't feel good when I move.  Did I just overuse my energy reserves from cooking with my sister yesterday? That doesn't seem right.  Physically tired from doing an activity is different than this heavy sensation dragging on all my limbs and this constant mental fog.

Crawling onto the couch, I roll onto my back.  Lifting my head, I shift my pillow into a more comfortable position.  Blanket in place, my mind phases in and out.  I blink my eyes when I hear the garage rumble open; Noel's home.

I should get up.  I need to move.  Nothing happens.  It feels really really hot in here. Hearing Noel step into the house, "Hub-chan, I feel really hot."

Noel reaches out his right hand to touch my forehead.  So nice and cool my body wants to just melt into that one point of contact... but then it disappears.  More?  That felt really good. I want to tell Noel to keep his hand on my forehead, maybe even on my cheeks.  Oh, that'd feel great!

"You're burning up."

A cool thermometer slides past my lips then under my tongue.  I keep my eyes closed; resting.  No energy to grumble or argue.  Silently I wait.  *beep*  Noel pulls the thermometer out, "103.8... that's really high.  Here's some Tylenol." 

Hours pass.  I wake up feeling really hot again.  Ah, my temperature is back up at 103.3. More Tylenol.  I struggle knowing that I should go to the hospital in case I have another infection.  I hate hospitals.  If I go in, I know that they'll keep me even when I'm better to "monitor me for my safety."  Bleh, safety.  More like I'm an interesting science experiment, a super complex case with unique reactions, a bug under the microscope.  The very thought of being in a hospital sends shivers down my spine.  I don't want to go.  No, I'm not going. Fine, fine God, if my fever escalates back into the 103 range, I'll go.  

It's 1:10pm, my temp is rising.  I know it's high, I can feel it.  The thermometer temp continues to creep upwards.  103.5.  Fine, God, I get it, I'm going!

Lord, I automatically resist whenever it comes to having to go through the emergency room... every time, you open my eyes to see you at work.  I don't enjoy this process.  I have a great fear of accidental exposure to my allergens and the severe side effects.  Yet, Lord, there is nothing out of your control.  Nothing can happen out of your will.  I know that.  I believe it.  I still don't want to go!  You can just heal me right?  What is it that you want from me?

Lord, soften my heart to follow you.  Soften my spirit to trust you again and again.  Open my eyes and ears to see and hear you that I may take joy in where you place me, the people I meet, the things I have to experience.  I dislike being a guinea pig, but God, may your will and not mine be done.

For your Kingdom, to your will, for your purpose... match my heart to yours so that I can properly let you shine.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.