Fear

Very rarely do I get scared, but today... I'm frightened...

I went to pick a friend up... getting onto the freeway, I did my usual... zipping past cars on the on-ramp in a different lane... Passing cars until I had to merge... Then proceeded to merge. *shrug*. Nothing unusual, the space I merged into had plenty of space.

The car behind me pulled along-side my car, honked, and gave me the finger. *sigh* guess someone's not too happy to have me merge quickly in front of them. *grimace* Guess it's not very nice of me to scare someone??? But I didn't break any laws either... Ah well, I'll take it as my fault... Scaring other people isn't nice and some people do get scared when a car unexpectedly shows up.

I'm getting tired of being pinned in the right lane, so I speed up and cruise my way over to the left lane... Slowly, I watch this guy(same one who gave me the finger) take his time and pull up behind me... Is he following me? Or is he just going the same direction? I'm not sure... There's plenty of space behind me so I don't feel crowded... But when I slide over to exit, he's back there too!

Okay... Am I just being paranoid or is he actually taking the time to follow me? I can't tell... Each time I pull ahead, he catches up at a red light. He's not speeding, not zipping between cars to catch up, not tailing me... He's just always there each time I look back! His face and his driving style look calm, controlled, not rushed. Maybe I'm just imagining things? Well, I'm definitely not taking a stranger to my home!

From the left lane, across another lane, I make a very quick right turn, tires lightly screeching, he follows. Still calm, faster... But still not rushed feeling... I speed up.

Unfortuneately, I'm now in a residential area I don't know well... This area has kids playing on the sidewalk, dead end streets, stop-signs... I don't want to drive too fast that I can't stop if a kids runs into the street... And with each turn and stop-sign, the SUV catches up... He definitely following me! I drive almost in a loop when there were shorter paths and he's still there like a quiet stalker hunting his prey... Hunting me!

I'm so scared!

I blubber a quick prayer to Jesus: "help me loose this guy following me! Help me drive fast and safely through residential streets and avoid red lights and stop signs! Help me get home without him finding out where I live!"

I step on the gas... use my turbo to fling my car forward on the straights, screech my tires louder and louder around turns... And watch the SUV fall further and further behind until I take a couple last turns with my car sliding sideways... Look back... And no longer see him.

I drive home fearing he may pop out and find me again... Or maybe he's tailing me so far back I don't see him? I arrive home shaking... I've seen people with road rage, I've seen aggressive angry driving... But I've never seen this cold, controlled, methodical stalking before. That's what scared me the most.

Looking back, I should have stayed on the main roads and had my friend call the cops. Hindsight's great right? But at the time, I just felt this gnawing fear to run, to hide, to escape...

I'm home, but I still don't feel safe.

Fun with imperfection!

Yay!!! Got my surgery date for October 5, 2011 and I've been blessed with absolutely no pain!

Wednesday Noel and I learned to float and fly in a large wind tunnel at iFly. Then yesterday, my friend came over early and helped me hack at this super large root and then dig the hard dirt by my gate in prep for laying concrete and flagstone (this girl is the best digger I've met! Her technique is awesome.... It was great to watch! And yeah... I slacked off a bit and she did some really cool digging that moved dirt fast!) =D

Anyways... Last couple of days, I've been thinking about what a perfect body or life would mean. Who wants to be perfect? I do and I don't...

Well, for one thing, if I was perfect...I'd never put my foot in my mouth, I'd remember everyone's name the first time, I'd ace any test that came my way, and I'd be able to plan for every possible issue with a contingency plan and never fail at anything... Nothing would ever or could ever go wrong! Sounds so tempting right? To never ever fail or look bad or be stupid or get hurt...

If I never say the wrong thing, I'd never understand forgiveness and mercy. If I remembered everyone's name the first time, I wouldn't try as hard to get to know the person and link their face and name with a cool event or hobby to trigger my memory. If I always aced each test, I wouldn't take the time to understand exactly why things are done or how to break a question down into smaller steps to really know the theory behind the answers. If I never made mistakes, I wouldn't need to depend on my family or friends for support...

Perfection leads to independence, boredom, an inability to understand others, stress to meet/exceed expectations... Perfection leads to loneliness... And a perfectly working body would lead me to take my activities for granted...

Lord Jesus, thank you for giving me a body that I can use to do crazy backyard projects with friends! A body that can take a beating in paintball. A body that can run when playing with my church youth. A body that can jump, climb, and tumble without a care . . . But also for the blessing of an imperfect body and lifestyle so that I can see the many blessings I have and appreciate even more the fun I'm having right now.

Lord, I thank you for the courage to make mistakes, the strength to step forward into the unknown because you're by my side. I thank you Father for the peace in knowing that my life has meaning, a purpose not defined by my own abilities and selfish wants, a life worth living and filled with blessings beyond measure by you as my Creator Father who sent his only son, Jesus, to die so that I can be saved... For opening my eyes to see that in this fallen world, I am blessed beyond measure that because my body doesn't always function at its best, I can experience and better feel the love and support of my family and friends. If I was perfect, I would be so much less than I am now... So I thank you Lord for giving me so much more!

May my upcoming surgery be to your will, Lord... I want to heal quickly with no problems or pain, but at the same time, I've seen how much I am loved and blessed... And I don't want anything less than what you have planned for me. . . For i know that my Lord's plan is better and contains more blessings than i can ever imagine! Just give me and those around me strength to stand tall, courage to face the unknown, hope in an ever-loving Father in heaven, peace that what my God calls for me to experience is never beyond what I am capable of handling, and joy that regardless of any outcome (be it for this surgery or for my life)...I am loved beyond what words can express... By my God and Jesus, by my family, and by my friends.

Thank you Jesus for this life I have lived, both the good and the bad... And for the future to come. In Jesus' name I praise my God, amen.

The Good and the Bad

The Good and the Bad

9-16-2011

Life can really suck... or it can be really great!

Back in 2008, I had a benign mass of tissue removed from my small intestine that was larger than the size of 2 fists combined.  Yikes!  Two-and-a-half years later, my body grows another mass.  This time, the mass is already larger than a single fist.

On Wednesday, I see my primary doctor at Santa Clara Valley Medical Center to decide where to go from this point on.  She palpates my abdomen.  No pain.  The tissue growth is difficult to feel so she pushes harder.  The primary concern is that this the second large mass in my abdomen.  The question is why and what is causing it.  Neither of us know.  

As I leave the doctor's office, my body hunches forward.  Maybe the abdominal palpation aggravated my tissue growth because now I ache deep inside.  I have trouble standing up straight.  Bummer, I hate looking broken or moving like something is wrong, gets too much attention.  I work here.  I don't want to look like a patient even if I am one!

I can see my life in two ways: my life sucks and I can't run around, move, or eat like I usually do; or, that life is a blessing and I can still function enough to work.  I'll focus on the latter.

My body isn't perfect, nor is it as toned as I prefer, but I can walk.  I can work.  I still have my feet, my hands, and I can still treat my patients.  Yay!!!  I may not do things as quickly and effortlessly as I prefer, but when I put my mind to something, I can still do lots of stuff... I just have to hold back on paintball, rock climbing, and stuff like go-karting.

The best part is that I know I am loved by my husband, my family, my friends.  Beyond that, I continue to see God's love for me through his constant provisions like this last-minute doctor request for some blood testing.  God frees up time in my work so I can get my blood sampled during work hours.  Yay!

Still, I dread getting my blood drawn.  Well, not the action of the needle sliding through my skin, but I'm dreading the super long lines.  I hate waiting!  

Walking into the reception area... wait, is there no one here?  Am I in the right place?

Stepping forward, I reach out my right hand to pull a number.  Before I can rip my number off the roll a lady walks out and says, "I can see you now.  Come in."  What??? No line?  Nice!!! 

While we walk to the back room, the lady tells me that the line was so long yesterday that people waited over an hour to get their blood drawn.  Praise the Lord!  Even seemingly impossible things can be made possible by God.  *grin*

Father in Heaven, thank you for letting me see your blessings!  Even when things don't go my way, it's going exactly as you've planned.  I don't know why I have to be sick or sometimes feel bad... but at the same time, I get a chance to know a little more about what others go through when they suffer physically.  I can better understand what my patients feel when they hurt or feel hopeless.  Thank you that I have this opportunity to learn a little more about perseverance and pain so that I can better connect to others.  Thank you for blessing me with the understanding of how draining a poorly functioning body is.  I want to get better again, but may I never forget what's happening now.  Thank you, Jesus, that I have hope in you, that I'm not struggling on my own nor having to depend on my own strength.  Thank you, Father, that I can pull hope, peace, courage, and strength from you. 

In Jesus' name I thank you Father for all you've done and will continue to do, amen.

Making the best out of tough times

I got my CT scan done early in the morning so that I could go play, I mean work, in the burn unit.  Fun!

At 10:30, I get a call from the doctor's office asking if I could go in that same day.  Never a good sign.  *deep breath*  Nothing I can do but face reality.

I gotta say, even though Fridays are super busy, God totally provided!!!  I asked to get all my work done before leaving work for my doctor's appointment; everything done just in time!  Paperwork, making splints, seeing my evaluations, performing follow-up patient phone calls, and communicating the patient treatment plan for the afternoon and weekend... ALL DONE!  I prayed and God answered.  God is good!

So yeah, turns out that I have a growth similar to the one I had before in 2007.  *sigh*  Size is cool... about 10x9x8 cm in size.  Kinda big huh?  So I'll be going to see general surgery next week and schedule a surgical procedure.  Yay?  At least things are going to be taken care of and I won't have to worry for at least another couple of years?  I hope!

The blessing in this whole thing is that I'll get time off to rest, spend time with friends and family, and maybe even loaf-off in the sun.  I really miss that!  =D

Another blessing from God is the fact that I now have absolutely no pain.  Yay!!!

I think that God definitely knows me best!  Because I had unmanageable pain where my physical performance and capabilities were affected, I finally took the time to notify my doctor. *smirk*  I didn't do anything sooner because I fear that there was no true source to the pain... that maybe I just caught a cold, am tired from working too hard on too many things, or it's just all in my head. *shrug*  My symptoms were initially very vague so it actually takes a lot for me to say something.  Basically once I'm completely unable to function, I'll admit that there's a problem. Unfortunately, this means that I'll need major surgery this round instead of something small. *sigh*  Talk about stubbornly stupid huh? *wry grin*

Here's my prayer:

Father in Heaven, thank you for knowing me best and giving me hope even in tough times.  I ask that you continue to help me see the blessings when things are tough, help me to not always insist on doing things my own way, and give me the strength to keep walking forward.  I'm not asking for a perfectly healthy body, but I do ask that you give me peace and joy in whatever circumstances I find myself in.  Help me make the most of this body that is your temple.  Let me honor you and serve you with my body and my soul.

In Jesus' holy name I ask, amen.

Broken in Body Only

I fear going to sleep.

Recently, at night, my abdominal area hurts so much that I can't move, can't sleep... I feel hopeless and weak and broken.  The pain meds take 25 minutes to kick in.  Once the meds are working, I can start to move again; but until then, every single abdominal muscle twitch or external pressure feels like I'm getting torn into two.  Praise God that this only happens at night.

My doctor has to wait until the test results are in.  In the meantime, I'm scared.  I don't want another surgery!  I just want the physical problems to go away... but things have been escalating fast these past 2 weeks.  *sigh*

I don't want another tumor, even if it's supposed to be benign. Grrrrrrrr... at least, I want the doctors to find out the cause of my problems.  Not like the last time; my first mass took them over 6 months to find and then longer to do something about it.  *grimace*

For now, I pray:

Father in heaven, may your name be praised.  Thank you for creating this body, even though it's broken and hurting.  Thank you that I can still move, that I can still feel, that I can still serve, that I can still see.  Even as my body wears out, Lord, please work in my heart so that my attitude, words, and actions may reflect your presence in my life.  Help me to make the most of the time you've given me (not like I plan on dying anytime soon... still got way more stuff I wanna do) and give me the strength to keep serving: my husband, my work, the youth ministry, my friends and my family. Please help the doctors figure out quickly what's wrong (I wanna know too).  And Lord, please either just heal me or provide the appropriate people/techniques to heal me completely.  Give me the strength to do as you've called and may my actions speak louder than words how important you, Father, are in my life.  May my lifestyle bring you honor, and may my heart sing your praises!

All this I ask and more... In Jesus' name, amen. =D