My Choice

Originally, I wanted to write about my time hanging out with my neighborhood kids...the fun stuff I am blessed to experience as I hang out with them... still working on what I want to write.  So, instead of a light-hearted blog entry, I'm posting this entry up in its place.  =D  Very different.

As I write this entry, memories upon memories invade my thoughts.  The bad times and how they've grown me. The good times with its crazy fun and laughter.  *wide grin*  All different parts of what I call "Kristy!"

This is how I feel and the choice I make every time I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

When things so wrong, so very wrong

What do I do?

What do I say?

Where do I go?

I cry for help

Arms outstretched

Seeking comfort

But none can be found

Incoherent words

Wildly lashing thoughts

Flashes of memories

Time streams by or did it stop?

Desperately reaching

Blindly groping

Emptiness and confusion

How much longer will this last?

Fear

                           Anger

        Frustration

                                        Hopelessness

Pointless thoughts fill my mind

So confused

So lost

So drained

Nowhere do I go

Nowhere by my power

Nowhere by my strength

Running in circles

I fight until I’m worn out

I scream until no voice is left

I struggle until no strength is left

So empty I feel

Panting

                             Sweating

          Weak

                                            Tired

In the quiet

In the stillness

In my hopelessness

In my total weakness

I feel a soft touch

Comfort

I hear a gentle whisper

Calm

Who reaches past my self-built walls?

Who is strong enough to save me?

Where are you?

Who are you?

"Here I am" says God the Father

"I’ll save you" says Jesus the Savior

"I’ll stay with you" says the Holy Spirit

"Will you let me?"

"I am strong" says the Lord God

"I have plans for you, not to harm you but to grow you

I want to give you the best of the best

Will you let go and trust me?"

"Come, lean on me and I will be your strength

Come, listen to me and I will give you peace

Come, follow me and I will give you hope"

The choice is mine… what will I choose?

Every time I fall, God is there

Every time I hurt, God is there

Every time I cry, God is there

Every single time... God is always there

By my choice and mine alone

I choose peace

I choose hope

I choose to follow God



Take care everyone!!!  Hope not to take so long to write the next post... life is busy!  =D

Being Uncertain...

Friday, February 15, 2013

YAY!!!  Noel and I are hosting a paintball event tomorrow!

“Hey, you wanna come paintballing with us?”

I’m not sure how many people I've asked… one after the other, I get replies of “sorry, not my thing” or “I don’t wanna get hurt.”  *nod nod*  Totally understandable.  Paintball as an activity/sport where you run around shooting others and getting shot in return… ummmm, bruising is expected.  *wide grin*  Paintball definitely isn’t everyone’s notion of a great weekend activity… although, for Noel and I, we love playing paintball!  *smirk* 

Key issues with tomorrow’s paintball event that gnaw at me:

*We need 20 people for a private field and referee (Noel and I cannot participate in the general open field for beginners while using our own equipment).    =O

*If we have 15-19 people attending, we can each pay an additional $5 to get our own field and private referee.  More games!  *drool*  But I don't want to spend more money.

*If we don’t get a private field (even with Noel and I renting the paintball guns), our group will get lost amongst a large group of strangers, no teamwork, no ability to teach our friends in a structured environment, and these large groups turn around to the next game very VERY slowly.  *deep sigh*

Father God, I'm very anxious!  Lord, I’ve got this tangle of emotions, knotted, hard, sour, churning and twisting inside me.  No matter how I pray, I don’t feel calm.  I don’t feel at peace.  I don’t feel good.  *sniffle*  Instead, I feel like a failure… that this paintball event is so difficult to set-up.  God, I want to honor you with this paintball event.  I want people to see that Christians can have fun and enjoy your blessings in a very different format.  I want your presence visible tomorrow at the paintball field.  I want people to know that something’s different and that difference is you.  I want people to come as they are… to not have to spend more money than we already stated the rental/admit fees are… I want to honor the people who said they’d come participate in paintball with us with a private field, a personal referee so that Noel and I can join in and play too!  I want a format in which Noel and I can teach, have fun, run around and enjoy ourselves with our friends.  I want, I want, I want….  

*pause*  

 Lord God… what do you want for us?

God, give Noel and I the heart to follow yours.  May you turn our hearts to match what you care for.  People are more important to you than money or control or convenience.  God, give Noel and I the wisdom in how we play, in our attitudes, in our heart to serve, in the snacks and water we bring… that it may be enough.  God in Heaven… In this paintball event, match my heart and Noel’s heart to yours so that what you treasure, we will too.  Through this, Lord, I ask that you give us peace… that everything big and small… we leave into your loving hands.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

God really is an awesome God!  The paintball event is beyond anything I could’ve wished for… I’m still in awe! 

Beautiful day, everyone there by 8:45 am, private field, personal referee, choice of fields and more games than I’ve played in one day in years!  =D  There’s so much that God provides… I don’t even know how to get my sense of joy, excitement and emotions across through words.  All I can say is that today is a day of many wonderful experiences, opportunities in getting to know people and a bird with red on its wings even ate out of my hand while flying in the air!  *Laughter*

Here are some pictures to show what I don't know how to express/say:

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Sitting in the sun, I open a book given by friends for Christmas titled “The ALL IN Life: Raw, Real & Unreligious” by Marc Owings and David Terry.  This book quoted a Dr. Henry Blackaby: “There is a curious notion and idea in the Church today that ‘God will not call me to do something that I cannot do.’…  It is my experience, and testimony of Scripture, that if I believe God has called me to do something that I believe I can do, it probably wasn’t God speaking at all.  It was me speaking to me.”

So true!  If I could do all the crazy activity planning and execution of events by myself, I wouldn’t need God!  *smirk* I hate being stretched and uncomfortable, but I love seeing God clearly at work!

Lord in Heaven, thank you for giving me more than I can handle alone.  Thank you for always providing for my true needs and my true wants buried underneath what I think I need and what I think I want.  Thank you Lord, that I’m nowhere near perfect!  Thank you, Father, that in my weakness, my fear, my personal inabilities… that you, Lord, step in… so that I can clearly see you (and not me) in action.

In Jesus' name, amen.