Progress?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

For a while... my body felt great!  I was feeling stronger, healthier, more mobile.  Yay hope!

Now... These last couple of days, my body is taking a couple of steps backwards.  This is depressing.  I can't control how my body reacts.  So.... Instead of dwelling on what I cannot control, I will focus on what I can control.

Shuffle step.  Shuffle step.  Standing in front of a mirror, I assess my posture. Horrible!  I tell my patients to stand straight... "No matter the pain, walk as if your body is normal like everyone else."  Now am I following that same advice?  Nope!  No matter how I command my body, I can't seem to stand straight.  Forget the aches, forget the scar pulling.... Still can't stand straight! No way am I going to walk hunched forward for the rest of my life!

Okay, time for some homework!  I'm too used to laying sideways, partially curled.  Sleeping sideways doesn't help either!  First step... Tummy time! Laying on my stomach, I slowly inch my elbow under my upper body.  Slowly, slowly... Push through my elbows and shoulders I arch my back.  Yikes, this hurts!  Come on... Keep going... Ahhhhhh, I know!  Tummy time and reading manga!  If I don't arch my upper body enough, I can't read!  Incentive!

Uhhhhhh, my shoulders are shaking!  Such weak muscles!  Ummmmmm, how can I keep stretching and still read manga?  Got it!  Throwing a pillow on my bed, I carefully roll my back onto the pillow.  Facing the ceiling, I cautiously uncurl my legs... my butt finally touches the bed.  Next, my head and shoulders.  Uncurl, relax... Carefully, I settle my shoulders back.  Well, not the most comfortable position, but stretching is stretching.

Stand up.  Head high.  Shoulders back.  Chest out.  Back straight.  Feet planted.  Cool!  After a couple days of prolonged stretching, I can finally stand upright!  Hurray!!!

Right leg step.  Firm.  Muscles controlled.  Tight.  No slouching!

Left leg step.  Firm.  Muscles controlled.  Tight.  Shoulders back!  Head high!

Purposeful movements with control and precision.  I'm looking for maximal muscle usage with minimal workout intensity.  I need to make the most of each step, every muscle, every bit of freedom I've finally regained!  Multi-purpose workout...  no impact, no stress... I want to make every move count!

Lord God, please keep giving me wisdom in how to retrain my body.  Help stabilize my body for the better!  I keep thinking... "I should be better by now..."  But, thank you, Lord, that by your provision, I'm not worse than I am now!

Father, please grow me strong again before my next chemotherapy treatment. Yesterday, I did a little research into the two chemo medicines I will receive.... as expected, the usual nausea, vomiting, fatigue and hair-loss... Then there's the scary stuff like heart problems that can appear years later! Well, Lord, you gave me this body for a reason.  Father, help me not focus on what I lack; instead, give me the strength to enjoy what I have and be at peace with what I can do.

God, in Jesus' name, help me be more than I am through your strength, your power, your promise of hope.  Amen.

Able to make it to our friends' wedding!

Outside is beautiful... getting tired, but well worth it!

New Day, New Life, New Hope

Monday, August 19, 2013

Dang... 19 days have passed since surgery!  There's gotta be hope even when I feel hopeless right?  God gave me this path to live... right now, things really suck... but this can't be everything right?  This life... stuck at home... it's not a life I'd wish on anyone!  But I've gotta be grateful... this lifestyle is me, Kristy, on nothing but Advil and Tylenol.  Not too shabby huh?  There's still more options... just... until today, the doctors didn't want me to take any kind of medication to slow down my digestive system because they wanted my baseline using dietary management.

Didn't work.  Coulda told you that from the start.  That last round of chemotherapy using Temodar already messed up my digestive system... cutting my intestines some more isn't going to improve anything.  *deep sigh*  So now what?

Part of me understands the reason for getting a baseline of my body's functional capabilities... but another part of me feels very discouraged being stuck at home.  No one's trapping me inside but me and my personal sense of discomfort and constant fatigue.  Flip side... remember... there's hope, I haven't even tried medications yet!

Hope... where do I really get my hope from?  Is it from the fact that I still have options?  Well... partially yes.  Knowing that my life won't be at this level forever does give me hope.  But that's not all... life can really suck, be super painful, a horrible struggle... in the end, believing that God still has a use for my life and a purpose and a story to write through me... this is what keeps me going beyond the dark day to day struggles and even embarrassments.

Father God, thank you.  Sometimes, I don't know what else to say except that in you, there is still light and purpose... that my identity isn't in my own capabilities, my own knowledge, my own strength.  In fact... I'd be totally depressed if I based myself on me because at this point in time... none of those usual "Kristy" things exist.  I can't play paintball.  I can't work as a physical therapist.  I can't run around playing with the neighborhood kids.  I can't serve at church.  I can't go rockclimbing, camping or fishing.  I can't do so many things... so then.... what can I do?  Lord God, only thing I have left to offer is my heart.  To you, Lord, I continue to give my life.  However little this life is and however little I can actually do... Lord, in you is my identity.  In you, Father God, is my life.  So whatever happens, I just have to keep walking right?

God, you point, I go.  Nothing more, nothing less.  If you want me to run, I'll be able to run.  If you want me to walk, then I'll be able to walk.  If, Lord, you want me to crawl... then at least I know you'll give me the ability to crawl.  So Father, whatever it is you want of me, I know that you'll give me the capability to match.  So for now... this life stuck at home, it's okay because when it's time, I know you'll set me free... just help me keep my eyes fixed on you, Father, and not myself.  As long as my eyes are fixed on you, God, everything will be okay.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Finally, I get the go ahead to take oral medicines to slow down my digestive system.  Wow... instant miracle!  I'm not tied to the bathroom, I feel instantly stronger and my frame of mind is a LOT more positive!  Yikes... I'll take anything I can get!

Thank you, God, that modern medicine is so effective... that you've enabled my body to respond so quickly and easily!  Hurray!!!

Father, give me wisdom to appropriately manage my medicines, to take the bare minimum... to care for this one body that I'm gifted with as your present to me.  Lord, help me treasure the blessings of having this body, this life, these struggles.  I'm happy to know that with each passing day, I don't just physically grow stronger, but that mentally/emotionally/

spiritually, I'm growing stronger and stronger too!

Lord, thank you for a future.  I don't know what will happen... in fact, the doctors want me to start a new regime of chemotherapy... that scares me, but I said whatever you want right?  Lord, I asked you to guide the doctors... so whatever they request of me, unless you tell me otherwise, I'll take their recommendations as the path you want me to walk.  Just... please Lord, give me strength... strength in everything!

After I come back from my vacation with my family, I'll immediately start on this new chemotherapy regime.  No complaints from me... at least not yet.  *wide grin* Lord, I know this is going to be hard.  As is, even when the doctors are impressed by the strength you've given me to work during the first two chemotherapy treatments, I am told that I for sure won't be able to work once I start this new treatment.  In fact, the treatment sounds super scary!  I'll be stuck in the hospital for 5 days every 3 weeks for 5 rounds, I'll get a port placed in my chest for the IV, and I won't be able to work!  =O  Guess there goes my dreams of playing paintball anytime soon huh?

Father, even though I fear the difficulties that lay in my future... even though I fear being physically broken and incapable... you gave me this life, this path to walk... so with you by my side... I gotta be able to take it right?

Thank you, Lord God, that I'm not alone... that I will never truly ever be alone. Thank you, Father, that you've placed me in this world, but not to be of this world.  Lord, may the light of your Spirit continue to shine so brightly that all the hopelessness, all the pain, all the danger, all the despair is burnt away.

In you, Father God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... I have my hope, my purpose, my identity, my peace.  Amen.

For those who like to research what chemotherapy medicines I'm taking.... it's gonna be these two: adriamycin and ifosfamide (I think... haven't done my research yet!)

Me, Kristy, in my messy room!  =D
 

A New Day

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day blurs into night... then it's day again.  I'm finally home!  Hurray!!!!  I'm ecstatic!

Sleeping a maximum of 2-3 hours, learning to juggle new aches with Advil and Tylenol.  No.... no Vicodin, Percocet or any of the more potent pain medications please... those make my head feel fuzzy!  A single day consists of eating, napping, and running to the bathroom.  Sounds like a baby right? That's how I feel... like I've regressed into a 6-month old:  I roll, I sit, I eat, I poop, I sleep.  Fun huh?

This new body of mine is very different.  I'm trying to incorporate my knowledge of medicine, physical therapy, nutrition, wound healing, research online...  option after option I consider, but is it enough?

I've lost over 10 pounds and my weight is still dropping.  My muscle mass is significantly less than pre-surgery!  *sniffle*  My arms are so scrawny... where are my biceps and triceps?  Okay, okay... it's not like I had that muscle to start with.  *sheepish grin*  Heheheeee... then let me try something else!  I step up the stairs two steps at a time... muscle cramping and breathing short, I pause at the top... slightly dizzy... very weak.  Drat!  This is NOTHING like after my first two abdominal surgeries.  Grrrrrrrr... the first two surgeries were a cake-walk compared to this round!

These past 2-3 days, I try eating more meat, more protein, nutrition shakes, fruit, carbohydrates, even celery... nothing seems to work.  What goes in ends up coming out pretty quick.  This sucks... I may as well be chained to a toilet.  *deep sigh*

Father God... what do you want of me?  What  can I do with this broken body of mine? How can I continue to serve?

Lord Father, I'm stuck... and I'm really scared.  The pain is nothing.  I can deal with pain!  Today, I challenged myself to not take any pain medicines... I'm more achy, but I can deal with it.  What I don't know is how to deal with eating, drinking, pooping.  Each day is a new day, a day of hope, of potential change, of new things or methods to try, of more training!  Lord, give me wisdom!  I don't want to waste this body you've given me, but I also don't know what to do.  These new changes are scary, very difficult for me to accept/handle, and totally life-changing!

Help!

Lord, Father God, even in the midst of this new challenge, I thank you for always providing.  I don't know where things are going to go or how you plan to work through my life, but I still see you moving!  Financially, you are still providing... food, you still provide... even a working vacuum-cleaner and random supplies... Lord, all this you continue to provide for my needs.  I don't know where you're going with my life and I have absolutely no idea how you're going to lead me... but Lord, I trust that your provisions are not given in vain... that even in this time and this place, you have a journey set for me and I don't want to miss it!

So Lord, where I go... where I can go with this body of mine... I completely leave in your care.  If I can step no further than 10 feet from a restroom, then so be it.  If I can again travel hours at full-strength, then so be your will.  Lord, I only ask that this trial.... this challenge I go through will not be in vain. May my hope always be in you, Father God.  Use me, Lord, use my life and my story so that your very name will be glorified.

In Jesus' name, I offer my hope, my life and my plea to you, Father God... grow me, bless me, use me, heal me.  Amen.

Pre-Surgery Video

Pre-Surgery Video

Hello Everyone!  Above is my video I took before surgery.  Thanks Stephen for putting it together for me!

Enjoy!
Kristy

Surrgery Update

Surgery date:  Thursday, August 1, 2013 at approximately 11am?

Surgery Update:  5-6 hour surgery.  Midway through, colorectal specialists called in to assist.  Single large tumor on my small/large intestine junction (removed along with appendix and then reconnected), many many tumors on my sigmoid portion of my large intestines so about 7 inches removed from there.  Other little tumors imbedded in the fascia (soft tissue) of my abdomen... those found, all removed.

Current State

Overwhelming pain. Tenderness at the incision  site.  A doctor attempts to palpate my abdomen... Surprising both her and myself, I grab her hand... hard.  I don't think I've ever grabbed someone so fast and so firmly before.  Lady, that hurt!  In return, I was told that that's why I got the PCA pump for self-administering morphine.  Grrrrrrrrrrr...  If the morphine alone worked, you think I'd be jumping so much?  Unable to speak or think clearly, I'm very happy the doctors decide to add Toradol and IV Tylenol to my pain regiment. *foggy relief*  (That took over a day to work out!)

Half the pain is gone... Now I'm stuck with a head filled with cotton.  The meds take the edge off my pain... On the other hand, I'm left in a drowsy, happy happy, agreeable and barely functioning state!  Over and over again, my eyes drift shut.  I dose, but don't sleep.  Eyes popping wide open... what time is it?  Oh, only 3 minutes have past.  Eyes droop shut... Darting open, what time is it?  Did an hour pass... an hour and a half?  Hopeful, I stare at the clock.  That can't be right... only 8 minutes have passed?  *deep sigh*  How much longer will this torture go?  I'm tired... so very tired of this endless cycle of pain.

Restless legs.  Head filled with fog.  Swirling vision.  Discomfort.  Frustration bound in a tight ball.  Irritation held under wraps.  Spinning energy with no outlet... just give me something to punch, a place to pedal... something, anything!   Arghhhhhhh!  Bruised hands, wrists, arms... needle sticks gone wrong, more needle sticks for testing blood, shots of heparin to prevent blood clots... oximeter tied to my finger, I slip off, they replace.  Blood pressure check every two hours.  My every movement is monitored and recorded like a bug under the microscope!  I really REALLY dislike not having control over my own decisions!

This endless monotonous life.  Seeing myself balanced on a thin line... one side is life and hope and being mentally being present.  There is pain and change and challenges to face.  The other side is nothing, emptiness... a place and time separate from this world where I have no history, no name, no struggle, no will... easy.  In fear, I calculate... if I fall into this secondary world, I can never get out.  Like my great aunt who stayed too long in a care home and gave up, she never quite got her mind back... that's what I'd be if I chose this step... I'd be in a deep, dark, comfortable pit where nothing could touch me, all the pain rolls off and I'm safe.  Dark and alluring... tempting... I tilt just a little to that side until WAIT... if I choose to fall into that route, I will never come back sane.  I can't do that!  I don't want to be comfortably trapped and safe.  Why am I even thinking this way?  This is so not like me!  *cold shiver*  

Shouting in my head:

God, where are you?!!?!?!!!  I'm so numb with drugs that I've lost all sense of myself, of time, of challenges, of hope, of life.  Help me gain a foothold, Lord God, give me firm ground to stand and a clear direction to strive for!  I can deal with pain.  I can deal with fatigue.  Haven't I done all that and more already?  What's so different this time?  What's this sensation of giving up I've so rarely faced... what's happening to me?

Lord Father, I'm scared.  I'm here and I'm not here.  My body is here but my mind is so clouded I have the hardest time even looking straight at someone as they speak to me.  Where are you God?  Where is my light given by your spirit?  I can handle the dark, but this distorted landscape is worse than anything I could ever imagine.  How can I stay sane and stay stuck to you?  Help me Father as only you can!  This is a struggle I don't know how to even voice... help me break through to who you created me to be.  I am not a puppet.  I am not a doll only going through motions to please others.  I hate this fog, my vacant smile, my barely returned replies.  What happened to my motivation?  What happened to my strength?  What  happened to my life?  Where are my goals and hope?  I want it back!

Being in a hospital can be so cold Lord.  Physically cold, yes.  But even more so, there are people so into protocol and numbers that my words don't make it through!  To these... I'm a statistic, a number, a job, money.  To others, they actually see me, hear me, take the time to listen to what I say and what I mean.

Thank you Lord that I get to go home Tuesday afternoon!  Thank you for softening the doctor's hearts to let me out of this soft prison.  The pain, the pooping and farting... the crap stuff I literally may have to deal with... Lord, I give into your hands and ask for mercy!  

In Jesus' name I plead for my Father God's mercy, grace, and provisions.  Amen.

Before Surgery

At work:

What do you like?
Ummmmm... kettle corn.
Okay, what else?
Chip.
Okay, chips... what else?
Uhhhhh......        *blank*
Fine the, breakfast or lunch?
Lunch... I think?
Hey!  Where did you get that food?  From the truck?  Is it good?
Yeah, let's all eat lunch together and get food from the truck!
Yes!  That sounds great!  Hey everyone, let's eat food from that truck on Tuesday!

Yup!  We're a rowdy group that enjoys good food... and recently... a slew of gross stories!  Many that are related to bugs!  *smirk*

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Today, we celebrate!  This is kind of embarrassing, but... we're celebrating "Kristy Day!"  My friends at work are soooooo cute!  I feel super loved, warm and all fuzzy inside.  Yay!!!

8 different _large_ bags of chips (or was it 9 bags?), 2 bags of kettle corn, flavored Kit-Kats and Pocky flavors that can't be bought in the United States.  *drool* On the side, there was a full spread of cheese, fruit, candy, drinks.  So much yumminess!

This is the demolished chip stash at the end of the day!!!

At lunch, we walk out into the warm sunshine, a group of green scrubbed, blue-gowned, capped and shoe-covered hospital workers to pick-up lunch. Together we shuffle our way towards the construction area where the truck is parked, gather 4 bags of goodies and shuffle our way back inside.  Yummy food!  I grab a little bit of food here, taste test a little over there, much off of another's plate, scoop a bit of soup... YIKES!  There's a LOT of food!  =D

The joy of hanging out together, of celebrating life and work with close friends... I don't have the words to express my joy and my excitement!  Sitting back, I soak in this atmosphere.  Wow, God has really blessed me with wonderful co-workers.  Together, we make a family... able to laugh together, cry together, play tricks on each other and help each other!  I can't imagine myself working anywhere else!


We just started using a cool new (for us) technology at work, a machine that uses ultrasonic waves and water to remove unwanted tissue from wounds.  A little water splashing here, a drip of blood there... and  a beautifully clean wound.  =D  Yes, my thoughts are kind of morbid, but this is what I do at work and I love it!

End of the day:

One by one, my co-workers leave.  I soak in the warmth from gentle hugs, arms wrapped firmly across shoulders and backs.  I have a few ends to tie up,  papers to complete, emails to write, desk to clean... the office becomes quieter and quieter...  background sounds dwindle... first slowly, then quicker and quicker as each person leaves.  In the quiet, I give my desk a final wipe, remove a lonely staple, pack away my flowers, toys, papers.

Looking around, a wave of sadness washes over me.  It's not like I'll be gone from work forever... just 11 weeks.  Eleven weeks sounds too long.  Already, I miss my friends at work.  I miss the laughter, the squeamish-bug stories, the energy, the life and even the work itself.

This is my desk... AFTER I cleaned up!  =O

August 1, 2013


I'm at Stanford...super sleepy.  Tripping over a chair, stumbling to get the internet key code... my brain is filled with a dense fog as I try and finish the blog.


God, I give this procedure up to you, I'm not clear enough to think right now, but I thank you for this life and where I'll go and do after this surgery.  Thank you, Lord God, for your blessings, for your peace and reassurances.  Thank you for all the support, love, encouragement, help, prayers and fun acitivities I've done recently!


In Jesus' name, amen.


See you all later!!!  =D