Counting Down & Looking Up

Monday, February 24, 2014 at my oncology appointment:

Cold. A round object presses against my back.

“Take a deep breath. Another.”

As the chilly stethoscope moves around different areas of my chest, I draw a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.

“Your heart’s tachycardic today.”

“Yeah, I know. Whenever I’m not feeling good and my body feels tired, my heart rate goes up. I think the nurse noted my heart rate in the 120s about 10 minutes ago.” And no, I haven’t been exercising or running. Wish I had a better reason than being tired for my heart rate to be up so high. Gazing upwards, I watch my doctor watch me.

“So what’s new?”

“Well, I’m getting myself ready to go back to work in 2 weeks.” Yes!!! Even though I’m super tired right now, I miss my friends at work. I miss working! I can’t wait to be out of the house! “Oh yeah, and when can I get this port in my chest taken out?” The port is driving me crazy! It sometimes hurts for no reason, occasionally gets super itchy (likely from the skin stretch tautly over the edges) and well… hopefully I don’t need it anymore.

“You’re body’s not stable yet and I don’t want you going back to work. How about this… get another CT scan mid-March with blood tests a couple days before that. Once I get the results, I’ll give you a call. If everything’s normal, we can schedule a time for your port to be taken out and we’ll discuss when you can go back to work. If there are issues, we’ll go from there.”

Relief. Huh? I feel relieved? Tilting my head to one side, eyes glazing over, I analyze myself. Why do I feel relieved? I thought I _wanted_ to go back to work. But then again, my body is progressively getting more and more tired these past 10 days. Honestly, part of me is scared to return to work. How can I serve my patients if I can barely stand for 10 minutes without my legs shaking? My hands are strong; however, standing drains all my energy reserves to zero. Even in sitting, my back is noticeably bending under gravity’s consistent pull. *deep sigh* “So, how much longer will I be off work for? I’ll need a new note for the extended time off.”

“I’ll write you a note to take off work until April 1st. If everything is clear after the CT scan and blood-work… you can always go back before April if you feel up for it. I’ll give you a call after your CT scan. After that, you need to get a CT scan every 3 months for a year. Get a lab test a couple of days before each CT scan. Schedule yourself to see me in three-and-a-half months.”

“Okay. Oh yeah, can you please check to see when the surgeon will come see me? He scheduled himself to see me at the same time as my appointment with you.”

One hour later... knock knock. I greet my surgeon. Formalities and updates complete, I drag myself back up onto the exam table. Deep breath, cold stethoscope.

“So, what’s your calorie intake in a day?”

Taken aback by the question, I blurt out “About 1400 calories I think.” I know my caloric intake prior to surgery averaged 1600 to 1800. When I was on chemotherapy, my caloric intake was approximately 1400 to 1600 depending on what snacks I could get me hands on. But now? I haven’t really calculated my food intake in the past 2 months. I eat until I’m full, mostly home-cooked meals, but eat fewer snacks due to my increasing dietary restrictions from food sensitivities. How many calories do I really eat?

On the drive home, I start listing my meals and add up the calories. Oops! Wide eyed, I realize one of the reasons why I may be so tired. I’m not getting enough calories to build muscle much less use the muscles I do have! How’d this happen? Well, cooking at home means less oil, less fat; therefore, less calories. Limited availability of packaged snacks also means less fat and less calories. In addition to my leaner meals, I’m down to 3, maybe 4 meals a day, so that I can manage my bodily functions and enjoy time out of the house. What does all this mean? My recent caloric intake is probably in the range from as little as 1000 to a maximum of 1400 calories. That’s way too little unless my goal is to lose more weight. =O No thanks… losing more weight means losing more muscle. No way do I want that to happen!

Father God, thank you for the wisdom you’ve given my doctors and the questions they ask!

Today, my neurology appointment was really neat. The neurologist you placed me under was super nice and I again learned that I’m not very standard. The numbness in my fingers and toes are not quite normal. Turns out that most people who get nerve damage from chemotherapy, the damage affects not just the toes but up the legs first before most people ever have issues with their hands. Yup, I’m different. *wide grin* But even if I’m never “cured,” I get this opportunity to learn so much!

So now, I have this coming month to get my diet and calorie intake on track. I want to increase my activity level while figuring out what ingredients are causing more issues… my body doesn’t like something I’ve been eating recently… I think I may be reacting to preservatives in canned and bottled foods. Good-bye gluten-free soy sauce. *sniffle* Good-bye to most canned coconut milk. Good-bye to sulfa-based preservatives in fruits and snacks. *deep sigh* I thought this day might come, but I’ve been avoiding it. However, my body is acting up so much, even to only home-cooked foods, that I don’t dare continue. What does this mean? I’ll be limited to spices in my cupboard, beef and pork, fresh veggies, tofu and soy, limited types of fruit and the only bread or cookie products I can eat are the ones I make. =O

Well, at least I can still eat!

So Father God, thank you that I never stop learning. Thank you for giving me a brain that loves to analyze puzzles. Thank you for giving me the stubbornness to keep plowing forward. Thank you for giving me a body that keeps my doctors on their toes. Thank you for opening my ears to hear and eyes to see what options I do have. Thank you for uniquely making me me.

When I’m feeling depressed from the constant fatigue, I’m reminded that I’m so loved… that even 2-3 months ago, my body was way worse than it is now. God, you are amazing. When I don’t know what to do or how, you give me insight through those around me. When I feel trapped, you open doors. When I am weak, you let me rest. Even extraneous things like wanting to watch the Cirque du Soleil with Noel and I both not working, you bless us with free tickets from a friend. Things Noel and I didn’t even consider praying for, Lord, you provide. Father God, I get to be so blessed… I have no reason to complain! To be so very blessed in clearly seeing you so powerfully in action, to take so much joy in knowing you personally, to have so many prayers answered so clearly… Father, I truly lack in nothing.

I am blessed in so many ways that money cannot buy, that security and stability cannot offer, that I cannot earn by my own power… Lord, I get to see you.

Father, I see the dead brown grass on the mountains when it should be green and ask in the name of Jesus for rain, it rains. I ask for more rain, today, the sky opens and waters pour. I ask for provision in selling my jewelry… above and beyond all my wildest dreams, unplanned, over 60% of my jewelry is sold with 5 orders on the side the very next day. I pray for a consistent light source for my photography so I won’t have to chase after the sun and you provide an awesome deal on Craigslist with everything I need plus extra! When Noel and I ask that you will provide him a job when I return to work, we know you will answer… that until we return back to work, Noel and I get blessed with being able to vacation together at home: to support each other, to heal, to laugh, to rest.

Thank you for the honor of being able to see you in action: in my life, in this household, in this world. In you, I am whole, at peace and filled with unspeakable joy.

Thank you, Lord God, for a wonderful husband who I can laugh with. Thank you for family I get to spend time with. Thank you for friends who hold me up. Thank you, Lord God, that you are so undeniably real.

I am floored by your continued mercy. I fall speechless in the midst of your power. I lay overwhelmed by your blessings. To be so fully and unconditionally loved, I am in awe.

In the name of Jesus Christ, to you, Lord God, be all glory, all honor, all praise.