Dawn of Hope

I feel soooo much better today!!!  This is more like it!  Hurray!!!

Can you see that I'm happy?  *wide grin* This is officially a whole month since my last admit to Stanford for chemotherapy.  Each round of chemotherapy resulted in progressively extending my recovery time.  After a full month, I'm finally at the point where I can stand for 10 minutes!  Before this week, forget doing the laundry or dishes... my legs just didn't hold me up very well.  Standing on wobbly legs really takes a lot of effort.  Today, standing doesn't feel quite so difficult.  Yes!

This energy is sooooo awesome!  I feel like I can finally do something.  My energy boost likely comes from my acupuncture appointment today.  Every time I go see my acupuncturist, I leave feeling so very much better!

Hmmmm... What can I do?  I just finished an awesome time with my sister.  We discussed jewelry designs.  I got her help coordinating colors... I suck at knowing what colors go with what.  We even got a massage.  *drool*  So comfy.  My little sis is so awesome... she even bought a jewelry display to showcase my earrings!

Display?  A little something is trying to catch my attention.  Display.  Display.  Display. Jewelry display... I'll need one of those someday to hang my earrings at home.  Like my sister told me today, dangling jewelry looks so much prettier and dynamic than stuffed in little plastic zip-lock bags.  But more importantly, my tools are literally thrown everywhere!  The entire dinner table is covered with my jewelry stuff.  I just cleaned the table yesterday to make butternut ravioli with my friend, Aleesha... Now, the table's barely usable again!

Heheeeehehee... Ummmm... I've seen tools hanging similar to jewelry displays. Maybe I can make one?  Yes, I want to make one!  Looking left then right, I don't see anything that inspires me.  Standing up, I walk away from my nice warm parabolic heater.  Garage... There's gotta be stuff there.

Opening the garage door, I poke my head out.  Is it cold?  Nope, not bad.  The heat from my recently driven car's engine nicely warms up our garage. Yay!

Since I don't have to worry about the cold, I boldly step fully into the garage. Scanning left, I look at our wall of tools.  There are blocks of wood I can use... But I'm not interested in grabbing out the heavy machinery this late at night.  Still looking. As I let my eyes wander, I spy a little bag with bamboo cooking utensils poking out.  This pile is for donation.  Squatting down, I take a closer look.  Pulling out a bamboo spatula, I roll it around my hands.  Not bad, no sharp fibers.  Placing the spatula on the ground, I gently try rocking the spatula first one way than another.  Hmmmm, this really could work.  It rocks a little, but not too bad as a base.  What else?  One by one, I pull out and test all the bamboo utensils in order to find the most stable one. Ah, this spatula with slits will work great!  The wider head stabilizes the entire length without me having to make a cross-brace.  Sweet!

Swiveling around, I grab one of the least stable utensils, a bamboo spork. Heheheheeee, this one I can chop up and attach to the base like the trunk of a tree.

Back into the kitchen, I glance around.  By the sink, I spy bamboo stakes for when my orchids flower.  Grabbing the cleanest one, I stab the stick through the pre-drilled hole in bamboo handle.  Pause.  Hmmm, the bamboo knobs get stuck.  Do I sand the knobs down or use it?  Pondering the puzzle in my head, I walk back into the garage while swinging my newly acquired stick.

Walking over to the left wall, I lean over Noel's blue motorcycle and grab a saw.  I could use a rotary tool, but don't feel like making too much noise or dust at 10pm. Plus, I feel stronger, I want to test my endurance!  *wide grin*

Placing the spork on an elevated surface, I saw away.  2/3 of the way through, I switch the saw to my left hand for no other reason except to give my left arm, even though it's not quite as coordinated, a work out.  Thump, the spork's head falls off.  Cool.

Grabbing a chisel, I attempt to gouge a curve into the handle so the spork handle can fit midway onto the slotted spatula's handle.  Raising the hammer, I give the chisel a good wack.  Oops, a whole section splits off.  This isn't going to work.  *sigh*  I grab a heavy duty metal file and work the splintered end smooth.

"Hey, Noel, what kind of file is this anyways?  It works great!"

"I've had that file for years, it's meant to file plastic.  It can even file plexi glass."

Staring at the file in my right hand, I give it a look of respect.  "Ummmm, Noel, you don't use it anymore right?"  *fingers crossed*

"Nope, haven't used that file in years.  Go ahead and use it.  It's a very good quality file."

Yup, I coulda told you that.  I've used and abused this file to smooth everything and anything over the years... Wood, aluminum, my silver (before I got some dedicated needle files)... even hardened steel.  *sheepish grin*   "This is a great file."

"Hey, Noel, what can I use as pins?  I can't cut this wooden handle into a nice curve, but I can glue and pin this cut bamboo onto the base.  Although, this handle really is not thick, the pin will need to be pretty small. Do we have anything that's thin and strong?"

"How about a nail?"

"Ahhhh, great idea!"  Scurrying over to the far wall, I dig through our stash of loose nails.  Perfect, two small nails.  Sticking these nails into my mouth, I reach with my left hand and grab the drill bits while my right hand snags the drill.  Quickly, I insert the smallest drill biting, carefully matching the nail's width (keeping everything a little snug) and length.

Bending forward, I line up the two handles in a "T" formation, brace myself and drill two neat little holes.  Grabbing the largest 1/4 inch drill bit, I drill another hole halfway up the spork handle. That should do it!

Happily I replace all the tools and head back into the house.  Applying a little wood glue, I jab the nails through the small drilled holes.  Mallet.  I need a mallet or hammer... The nail really is snug... banging the nails against the floor isn't working.    Back in the garage, I grab a mallet.  Thump.  Wack. Done!  The stand and the base are fitted perfectly like an upside-down "T."

Pulling out the saw, I cut the bamboo stick into 2 uneven pieces.  Sliding these sticks into the large holes, I pull until everything fits snugly.  Awesome!  If I ever wanted to break this tool stand down for transportation, I can at least remove the bamboo sticks.  Nice, unintentional bonus!

Now to hang all my tools.  Hurray!!!  With the handy use of some tape and a cut paper clip, I'm able to even hang my flux brush and my favorite flat needle file.  Taping a thread loop to the back of my sharpie, I'm even able to hang the pen onto my tool frame for easy access and display.  Success!

Lord, I've been worried because my strength and endurance are so low a whole month out from chemo.  Every time I wanted to try something, I didn't have the energy.  Feeling like a blob, I've been laying in bed, unhappy, since I didn't have the strength to perform basic household activities like cooking or cleaning.  Even sitting still to make jewelry isn't keeping my full attention when I yearn to do something else!

God, thank you so very much for the energy I have tonight.  I'm so excited!  Thank you that I'm able to create something productive with the time I have.  Thank you for making this project successful even though I didn't plan out all the steps.  God, thank you for the random materials, an abundance of tools and especially the strength to use these tools!

Father God, thank you for the renewed hope that, yes, things _will_ get better.  My body will get stronger.  That I'm not going to be stuck in my weakened state for life.

Thank you that even with my body's ongoing instability, I haven't taken any medications for 4 days!  Yay!

God, even with all your blessings, I'm still scared.  I will see my oncologist this coming Monday.  From what I understand, the doctor plans to stop the intravenous chemotherapy and start me on a new oral chemotherapy.  Another round of treatments.  I'm tired of taking medications.  Tired of my body being out of control.  Tired of the unknown.  Tired of not feeling well and always being drained.  Tired and fed-up with not knowning what to expect day to day.  *deep sigh*

God, at least one thing I do know.  I'm so far from my pre-chemotherapy baseline and energy levels that I need you.  When I hang out with family or friends, I need you to stand by... to give me energy... to make my body behave so I can enjoy my time when people are around or to even make a trip out of the house.  So many things I used to take for granted, now I treasure every instance of freedom.

Lord, at this point in time... I can feel the presence of everyone's prayers and blessings towards Noel and I.  All the support, the hope, everyone's encouragement... Father, I can feel your warmth, your smile, your love... Lord God, somehow through all this, I feel safe.  I believe that when the time is right, you will heal me.  I don't know when or how, but I trust that you will work a miracle... That you are not calling me to live this life in this weakened state for forever.  Thank you for your mercy!

Father God, to you be all the glory and hope and praise.  In Jesus' name, I give you my hopes, my dreams, my health, my life.  Amen.  

Addendum:  my neurology appointment got moved to Feburary 26th and I will discuss the removal of my port this Monday with my oncologist on Feburary 10th.

Thanks for supporting me in my blog, in my jewelry-making, in my life!  I made my goal of selling 10 pairs of earrings and now plan to move on to making rings and bracelets.  Hurray!!!