After the Storm

Huddling tight on my side, I grasp my pillow hard.  Fingers dig into soft flesh; nails turn white.  Curled around a warm water bottle, blankets pushing me down, I gently rock back and forth.  Muscles rigid, trembling with tension.  Panting, gasping, short puffs of air pass in and out of my mouth.  I feel nauseous.  Waves of pain wash over me.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  God, help!  I can barely think; no coherent words come to mind... Help, God, please help me.

Barely sane, I want to cry, but no tears come forth.  I want to scream, but I don't want to wake Noel.  Biting my lips, I quietly twist and turn...  Something, anything, in an attempt to feel better...  To make time flow by faster.  Ride the waves,  go above my body's sensations.  Slowly, I pry my fingers away from my body.  Kristy, take a deep breath.  Fresh air.  Clean air.  Relax.  I command myself to soften tesnse muscles.  Calm.  I feel so cold.  The pain is gone.  Rest.  Prepare.  I anticipate a wave a pain in 8-10 minutes, 15 at the most... this seems to be the current pattern.

The knowledge of impending pain looms above my head.  My muscles still shake from fatigue.  I'm approaching my 5th hour of this silent battle... This cycle of pain and relief feels like a never-ending circle of torture.

I knew the risks.  I know the consequences.  I thought I was stronger, steadier.  I felt healthier.  I forgot the pain.  I forgot the physical battles.  I forgot the mental struggles.  I was normal again.  Well, I thought I was normal for this past week, but tonight is really hitting me hard, harder than usual.

*deep sigh*

What risk?  Exercise. 

Yesterday, I performed some light exercises.  15 minutes of aerobic side-steps, pumping my arms and swaying my hips.  After that short 15 minutes, my muscles felt fine, a little floppy, but not super fatigued.  My overall energy depleted, but I thought only for that one night.  Wrong again.  I forgot that refilling my energy reserves takes a long time... that my body is very inefficient.  Recovery takes a long time and I tend to expend my energy without calculating my reserves.

Have you ever exerted yourself so much that your muscles tremor and shake?  The resulting movements during that phase of fatigue are jerky and uncoordinated.  Well, that's me right now. 

I've learned through trial and error that all physical functions take energy.  Eating, digesting, breathing, sitting, standing... these daily acitivities do not even include running, lifting, cleaning or the thousand-and-one things I used to execute without consideration.  Now?  When I get too tired, my muscles spasm.  I have conscious control over my limbs, the muscles I use when I breath, how I position myself to maximize my energy recovery... but I cannot control the thumping of my heart, the automatic digestion after I eat... these organs require energy as well.

That jerky, uncoordinated muscle activity is occuring inside as my body attemtps to digest food: muscles clash and twist, over-contract, absorption becomes inefficent... my recovery of energy slows down even more.  I unintentionally create a  vicious cycle of energy depletion and pain with out-of-control internal muscle contractions.

Only ever when I'm physically tired do I hurt so much.  Sad huh?  Who ever would've thought that my physical limitations are so strict?  What kind of physical therapist can I be if I fatigue so quickly that 15 minutes of moderate activity takes 2 days to recover?  Then add in the recovery time for the pain and lack of sleep... 3 days?  Too long.

Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit... What am I supposed to do?  I plan to start work next Tuesday, but I feel so broken.  If it's just fatigue, no problem, I can easily push through.  However, this combination of fatigue and the follow-up hours of pain... Not so fun.  I don't have a clear scale to balance my energy in and outs.  I hate this physical sensation of pain and helplessness.

God, give me strength, wisdom and courage to keep trying.  I don't want to stay weak.  I don't want to avoid activities just because it may result in pain.  Father, I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm so tired.  Give me rest, comfort, warmth, peace.  It's now 6am in the morning... Can you please help me sleep?  No more pain please.  I don't want to struggle anymore.  Let me get away from this body... Just for a little bit, okay?

******************

Thank you, Lord for giving me 2 hours of sleep before having to pop out of bed.  Thank you for the warm rest, relaxed muscles and significant decrease in pain.  This discomfort that woke me up, it's normal, this is nothing I can't handle.  But Lord, thank you for being beside me and getting me through earlier!  I'm so happy the worst is over and my body can continue to settle back towards whatever normal I have.  Thank you for blessing me with this body that can stabilize!  I complain that I can't do much, but that's not true.  Lord, you really enable me to do a lot!  I can stand (if I don't exercise) without having my legs fold from under me.  I can sit 8 hours in a chair without drooping.  I can see muscle outlines again.  Overall, I feel more energetic than I have in a long long time.

Thank you, Lord Jesus for giving me a body that can still heal, that can still function, that I can enjoy life with.  Thank you for a clear CT scan and no more chemotherapy (for now).  Thank you for giving me a wonderfully supportive husband, loving family and true friends.  I give praise to my Father God in Heaven for so many blessings: for joy that isn't based on circumstance, for hope in the future through the loving sacrifice of my Lord Jesus Christ, for getting me through one storm at a time.

May you be blessed with peace of spirit and a joy-filled life. 

I can't wait to get back to work next week!!!  See you next week!  =D

Karen asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.  I'm honored!