I Wanna Go Home!

July 19, 2015

Soft blue glow of ever-present monitors gently permeates the room.  Click.  The door silently creeps open.  Light from the hallway cuts a harsh bright streak from floor to wall, a stark contrast of white on blue.  There is no such thing as a dark hospital room.  Never.

With a pillow partially over my face, I call in a muffled voice "Come in!"  Is it my nurse?  I peek at the figure now confidently striding in; yup, that's my nurse.  What time is it?  4:20am; the perfect time to start a new day... not.  Argh, I'm getting more and more sarcastic the longer I'm in this hospital. 

I pop up in bed, open my eyes nice and big, and paste on a lively smile, "So, time for my vitals and labs?"

"Yup.  Orders.  Were you sleeping?"

"It's all good.  I'll sleep better when I get home."

Honestly, my patience is wearing thin.  My tolerance to nicely follow orders is badly fraying. My veneer of genial kindness is eroding too quickly to repair.  I can barely paste a square-edged smile on my face when I greet the hospital staff.  I can hear the biting edge of tension, sarcasm, and demand in my words.  Not good, my mask is slipping.

Uh oh, here comes the intern doctor.  She doesn't exactly look excited.  Kristy, be nice! Remember, she's just doing her job and my attitude can make her job easier or harder. Smile.  Be gentle!

"Kristy, your neutrophil count actually went down.  Your resting heart rate is back at 120 and we don't know why.  Sorry, but you won't be able to go home today."

My body freezes as I process the mandatory increase of my hospital stay.  Hopelessness seeps into my mind.  What?  Yesterday, my neutrophil count went up... it was supposed to keep going up!  God, what's happening?  I've been stuck here for the 3rd day already.  I know I said I would accept the doctor's decision, whatever that is, but I find my mouth moving before I can regain enough control to play nice.  As if from a distance, I observe myself pleading, trying everything in my arsenal to justify getting the doctor to let me go home.  I watch myself lose all control as I push limits, consider out loud leaving against medical advice (bad move, leaves a horrible impression on the medical staff), and desperately insist on regaining the semblance of control over my own life.

None of my arguments sway the doctor's decision.  She stands firm, an immovable wall of protocol and hospital rules.  The outcome of prolonging my hospital stay is set in stone.

I don't usually cry, but I can't keep my walls up anymore.  Tears slowly seep out and run down my cheeks.  Roughly I brush it away.  It's hard to be strong when I feel defenseless, helpless, restricted... I'm bound to a place where free-will doesn't exist; the hospital is my prison and I am a slave in shackles.  

I silently scream, but nothing happens.  I'm miserable.  I'm so lost.  I'm broken inside.

God, why are you keeping me here?  I'm not getting any medical treatment.  I'm exposed to more people and more bacteria while stuck in this hospital.  I'm a bug under the microscope. I'm an interesting specimen everybody is observing with no clue what my body is doing! Lord, I'm tired.  I'm sick of being locked up.  Argh!  Why can't I just go home?

Deep breath in.  Slow breath out.  

Father God, forgive me, Lord, for arguing when I said I wouldn't.  Forgive me for making a fuss that only makes everyone feel bad and gets me nowhere.  Lord, give me the heart to accept the entirety of my hospital stay with an attitude that pleases you.  Give me peace and the complete acceptance to trust that your plan is better than mine.  Give me the heart to acknowledge that your timing is sovereign.  Help me to let go of my fight for control.

Lord, as you will it, I will obey and stay in this hospital with gladness and a true smile because I am choosing to serve you first over my own wants.  Lord, you know my desires.  I will continue to trust that you have the best in store for me.  Change my heart.  Change my attitude.  Change me to truly shine with your goodness.  Remove my fake mask, Lord, and give me a spirit that matches yours.

In Jesus' name I thank you for healing my heart, mending my mind, and giving me the strength to walk as you dictate.  Amen. 

Click.  I watch as my main attending doctor walks into my room.  Because of all my pushing to go home earlier, I feel pretty guilty for giving the intern doctor a hard time.  I'm not going to repeat the same mistake twice so I immediately call out, "I'll stay.  Anything you ask of me, I will be good and listen."  

"I will let you go home if you promise to follow a couple guidelines." 

Yes!  I'll do anything to go home!  Nodding my head enthusiastically, I agree.

Wow, God is amazing when and how he chooses to act!  No arguing.  No pleading.  No fighting.  None of my demands.  Just as God changed my heart and my attitude, I believe he changed the attending doctor's decision.  Yay!!!  I didn't meet any of the hospital criteria for going home so all I can say is that God is definitely working behind the scenes.

Praise the Lord! 

Much Needed Break

I know that you are my advocate.  I know you have a plan.  I know there's a purpose in me being admitted at Stanford Hospital... but Lord, I can't see what you're doing!  I know you give me glimpses.  I know you can give me rest... so Lord, give me a break please?

Take a deep breath.  Another.

Just as I'm trying to pull myself together, the nurse comes in.  Pasting a bright smile on my face, I ask, "What's up?"

"You're current pack of antibiotic is done.  I'll give you an hour break from being hooked up as I order the next packet.  It's 9:10 right now.  You have until 10.  Here's my phone's number, call me if you feel dizzy or anything happens.  I have your cell in case I need you. Enjoy!"

Yes!

Stepping outside my door, I peer right.  Nope, not a good idea.  I see doctors.  Left it is! Long hurried strides carry me quickly out of the unit.  Two more lefts and I arrive at a glass door.  Peering through, I see trees, patio furniture, and stairways down.  *drool*  Now this I like!

Scrambling outside, I stride up and down the stairs four times each way for exercise.  Done. Now if only I can find a spot to relax.

Scanning the area around me, I zone in on a small niche with just the right amount of dappled sunlight and shade.  Taking a seat, I immediately prop my legs up.  Glancing around, no one's down here.  Good.  Furtively, I take my mask off.  *wide grin*  Taking deep breaths, I let my shoulders relax.  Rolling my head back, I enjoy my surroundings.  A gentle breeze.  Sunlight sparkles off of delicate spider webs swaying to invisible air currents.  Ants march purposefully at their given tasks.  Leaves reach and sway towards the sun.  Tiny purple flowers blossom, half-hidden by larger shrubs. Vines cling to an old wooden fence.  A pair of doves stroll along brick cobbled floors.

A bit of freedom. A little peace.  Calm in my heart.  Time to resettle my soul.

Thank you God for this time to rest in your presence.  I'm supposed to go back inside now; be tied up again.  I'm dragging my feet a bit... but I feel a little more refreshed.  Thank you.  I don't know what you have planned, but I know you are my advocate and my sovereign.  For now, thank you that I can smile again.  Thank you that I can speak without a sharp edge. 

Resistance

Thursday, July 16, 2015

I don't feel well.  I'm sleeping all day, can barely keep my eyes open, and don't feel good when I move.  Did I just overuse my energy reserves from cooking with my sister yesterday? That doesn't seem right.  Physically tired from doing an activity is different than this heavy sensation dragging on all my limbs and this constant mental fog.

Crawling onto the couch, I roll onto my back.  Lifting my head, I shift my pillow into a more comfortable position.  Blanket in place, my mind phases in and out.  I blink my eyes when I hear the garage rumble open; Noel's home.

I should get up.  I need to move.  Nothing happens.  It feels really really hot in here. Hearing Noel step into the house, "Hub-chan, I feel really hot."

Noel reaches out his right hand to touch my forehead.  So nice and cool my body wants to just melt into that one point of contact... but then it disappears.  More?  That felt really good. I want to tell Noel to keep his hand on my forehead, maybe even on my cheeks.  Oh, that'd feel great!

"You're burning up."

A cool thermometer slides past my lips then under my tongue.  I keep my eyes closed; resting.  No energy to grumble or argue.  Silently I wait.  *beep*  Noel pulls the thermometer out, "103.8... that's really high.  Here's some Tylenol." 

Hours pass.  I wake up feeling really hot again.  Ah, my temperature is back up at 103.3. More Tylenol.  I struggle knowing that I should go to the hospital in case I have another infection.  I hate hospitals.  If I go in, I know that they'll keep me even when I'm better to "monitor me for my safety."  Bleh, safety.  More like I'm an interesting science experiment, a super complex case with unique reactions, a bug under the microscope.  The very thought of being in a hospital sends shivers down my spine.  I don't want to go.  No, I'm not going. Fine, fine God, if my fever escalates back into the 103 range, I'll go.  

It's 1:10pm, my temp is rising.  I know it's high, I can feel it.  The thermometer temp continues to creep upwards.  103.5.  Fine, God, I get it, I'm going!

Lord, I automatically resist whenever it comes to having to go through the emergency room... every time, you open my eyes to see you at work.  I don't enjoy this process.  I have a great fear of accidental exposure to my allergens and the severe side effects.  Yet, Lord, there is nothing out of your control.  Nothing can happen out of your will.  I know that.  I believe it.  I still don't want to go!  You can just heal me right?  What is it that you want from me?

Lord, soften my heart to follow you.  Soften my spirit to trust you again and again.  Open my eyes and ears to see and hear you that I may take joy in where you place me, the people I meet, the things I have to experience.  I dislike being a guinea pig, but God, may your will and not mine be done.

For your Kingdom, to your will, for your purpose... match my heart to yours so that I can properly let you shine.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Now

Ahhhhh... I want to punch something. 

Frustration.  Irritation.  Inside, I feel a welling of emotions; twisting, tangling, knotting.  My stomach churns.  A lump sits in my throat.  Fighting to suppress the rising bile, I decide to take action and sit up.

Tossing pillows over my head, I create a soft sloppy backrest. Wriggling upright, I puff out a breath of air.  Gross.  My mouth is coated in cotton fuzz.  Taking a sip of water, I derive no pleasure from the stagnant blandness.  My tongue is slightly numb and my tastebuds are ineffective at sensing any sweetness.  Everything I eat tastes like it's gone partially bad. Then again, eating just makes me feel worse.

Never mind, I'll deal with eating when I next need to.  Later is better.  

Stupid chemo treatments.

My body shivers as chills run through my limbs. Probably a random low-grade fever.  I get these all throughout the course of a day.  Not an issue.  Ignore it.

Looking for something to do, I turn to focus on my heart.  It's still pounding.  Right hand on my jugular, I hold my index and third finger over the thumping of my pulse.  Twisting my left hand, I count the seconds drifting by on my watch and the pounding under my fingers. Done.  I withdraw my right hand, letting it drop to my side.  Great, my heart rate is 112 in resting.  Guess that's where my headache and fatigue come from huh?

Rubbing my hand together in annoyance, I hear the empty papery sounds of dry skin on skin.  Numb.  I can't feel my hands very well right now.  Supposedly, this is a temporary side effect (for me) of this chemotherapy treatment.  Reaching down, I gingerly touch my toes. That hurts.  My sensation's so messed up that each toe feels bruised.  

In disgust, I throw my arms out wide.  Unmoving, I let my mind wander.  Being physically present, acknowledging my deficiencies, dwelling on altered physical sensations is driving me crazy.  I've slept all day and can't sleep anymore... But I don't have the energy to release my feelings of pent up discomfort. 

Time to withdraw.  If I don't move... I can distance myself.  In a quiet corner of my mind, seal myself inside thick walls.  No one can disturb me here.  I don't feel anything here.  I can pull away from my body and rest.  Close the space smaller.  Tighter.  Deeper.  I can feel my eyes glaze as they drift closed.  The sensations of my body dull out.  Sounds dim.  Away from despair.  Away from things I have no control over.  Away from the troubles of this broken body.  

Peace.

Quiet.

Boredom.

Utterly bored, I crack open my walls.

"Hey, Jesus!  Wanna spend some time with me?"

In the darkness that is not dark, in a place that is formless but has walls, I exist.  I smile with the joy that I'm not alone.  My God walks with me.  He lives in me.  He provides for me.

I am satisfied.