Wanting to follow God more...

Monday 4-9-12

When everything goes wrong and my own strength fails me, I can feel God and see God the clearest.  At the point when my wits, strength, and heart cannot find an answer, God has always opened a path... frequently at the very last moment.  Over and over again, this is how I've seen God prove himself in my life... this is how my faith in Christ grows.  

I've learned that if I want God's best, I have to first ask him for it... but once I do, options of "almost good enough" tempt me left and right... time starts to run out... I have a choice.  If I take matters into my own hands, I don't see God answer my prayers... I don't have the proof that he exists.  If on the other hand, I choose to wait and pray, believing that God will come through, answering the intent of my prayer requests, even to the point of passing up very good opportunities... I find that I get to see miracles. 

However... times like now when so many things are going smoothly... I have the hardest time hearing and feeling God.  I continuously have the want and the capability to make choices in my own power... my need to depend on God lessens... I struggle even harder... fighting to have a glimpse of God's power in my life... searching, reaching, begging... God feels so far away even when I know he's right here with me.  This is frustrating!  Part of me wants my life to be out of control so that I can see God totally in control.  Thinking this, knowing my own pride and selfishness, I battle myself left and right... aching to feel God's power and presence at work once again.

I can still see God in my life... so many recent answered prayer requests:  God's providing me a laptop from my family since my prior one broke, I was able to provide a beautiful necklace and bracelet for my sister's wedding that look like real diamonds in a unique setting without spending out of budget, I am given time to rest and read manga, my taxes are now done... so many prayers... all answered!  God knows my heart, my intentions, my needs... in my stubbornness, even knowing God's awesomely perfect provision, I start to depend on my own limited strength and willfulness.  

*sigh*  You'd think I'd learn huh?  Nope... guess I've gotta learn again and again... always struggling to let God lead in my life... to hear God so that I can follow him in order that I may more clearly see and feel his abundant blessings

Lord Father in heaven, I want you to lead in my life.  I'm stubborn, prideful, and depend on myself most of the time to get stuff done.  I don't want my life to be like this.  I've tasted the sweetness of having you, Lord, lead in my life.  I know first-hand the joy and peace of being in your presence... help me to rest and lean on you in all aspects of my life so that I can more clearly see you... help me to see you, feel you, know you more without having to depend on difficult times when I'm helpless and defenseless.  Let me see you, God, even when I'm strong and everything is going right... 

Lord, only by following you do I feel truly complete... so help me Lord... help me not to attempt filling this God-shaped hole in my heart with my own wants, pleasures, strengths... I don't want the emptiness that comes inside when I do my own thing.  Lord, I ask that you teach me how to see you in the everyday mundane parts of my life so I can be a step closer to you... I want each day to be a new day of adventure, fun, learning a little more about you, a time of joy that doesn't depend on the circumstances I find myself in... Father, I want to see more of your power and your blessings!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.