Highs and Lows

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

There are days when I feel my body betrays me.  Today is one of those days. Listless, I lay on the couch... Drained, dizzy, weak.  Why isn't the medicine working?  Frustrated, grumpy... I just want to give up... But give up what?  Give up taking the meds?  I don't dare! Give up living?  That sounds so silly after struggling so hard and being so blessed!  Grawr!!!

These past couple days, weeks, month, years.... I'm learning what my limits are... that with God, there are none.  I get flipped, punched, spun until the world swirls and nothing makes sense... And yet, my only constant is God's promise that he loves me so much he even sent his beloved son, Jesus Christ, to die and to rise again so that my sins are forgiven (John 3:16-17).  Easier to say, hard to remember, even harder to live it!

So much for "The American Dream," if I work hard enough, I'll succeed.  So much for the religious belief that if I believe and follow God, my life will be blessed with health and wealth and ease.  *Smirk* In fact, as I read the Bible today, it very clearly states otherwise!  Story after story in the Bible portray struggle, death, pain... But throughout it all, a common theme of God's love is at work... God cares so much he's living in all this muck and dirt and pain with us.  Yikes!  I'm totally grateful, but not something I think I would choose... to be so exposed to hurt, pain, betrayal... if I had the choice... nice and comfy sound pretty good to me!  But that's the difference between God and I... that's how great my Lord Jesus is.  Because of God's great sacrifice and love... that's why I want to follow in his footsteps... to be more than my petty self.

A single day's worth of disappointment isn't enough reason to wipe my memory of good times and God's plentiful blessings!  How can I be so weak? Looking back to yesterday, how can I let myself be so down?

Two friends from my graduate school years.... Both I haven't seen for what.... 2-3 years?!!!  Yikes!  Without much thought and only a little hesitation on my part, out we go for lunch!  Short painless drive (not the gut-wrenching bumpy ride I feared), super yummy Mexican food *drool* and then even shopping afterwards!  *Wide grin*  My beloved husband stuck close to my side, constantly asking "How are you doing?  If you're tired, let me know right away!"  So cute!  He even scouted the restrooms for me (just in case).  =D

Lots of talking.  Lots of stories and catching up.  Board games.  Comfortable. Safe.  Laughter.  Calming balm to my soul.  A time of hope and encouragement that yes, I can live this life.  That yes, God blesses me so I can appreciate the good days... to even have time to rest and recover!

So I choose, again and again, to live this life as God assigns me... As a person bound to this world, I am free.  As a person free to make my own choices, a slave to Jesus Christ my Lord.  (1 Corinthians 7:17 and 20-24)

Next step:  prepare for a crazy-long, two and a half week, vacation to Hawaii in October before settling down for (hopefully) my last set of chemotherapy.  =O

Here's me playing around with my iPhone...  Thanks for reading!  =D