What's in this day?

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sensations of discomfort temporarily over-ridden by myself... stronger, louder, more noticeable... fingers clawing at my palms, nails scrape across skin, toes digging into the floor... a mask to overwhelm my body's own sense of pain.  A cacophony of sensations.  A struggle for control, for relief, for hope.  Marks unconsciously made... a red imprint, a new ache where none should be.

What am I doing?  Red marks, even temporary with no bruising or skin breaks... these marks come awfully close to causing superficial damage.  When did this start?  Ummm... if I had to guess, probably sometime after my most recent surgery.  Unplanned.  Unintentional.  I unconsciously and instinctively created a new way to deal with the constant physical distress of my new body by overriding the current bodily sensations with a stronger sensation under my own control.  Distraction, a very temporal form of pain relief.  Not one I recommend.  Yeah, I do want control over my body, but damage of any sort, even temporary, is not my intention! 

Every day, new marks come and go.  I didn't consciously note the cause and effect of these red marks... in fact, I remember casually noting in a muddled fashion that I frequently had red marks present.  Now that I acknowledge what I'm doing, I will not allow myself to continue!


Monday, September 9, 2013

Hey Doc... those over-the-counter meds really aren't working.  I don't run to the restroom as often, but I'm still running more often to the restroom than any normal person should!

Even now, I'm never sure when my body will act up.  A quick self-assessment, reassessment... *shrug*  No matter how much I try to anticipate my bodily functions, I don't feel safe.  Too many times, even while being on Immodium AD, my body betrays me.  Over and over again, I tell myself: "I've got this!  I have a grasp on what my body is doing now... hopefully no more problems!"  Does my self pep-talk work?  Nope... not where I can safely and consistently travel in public.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I attempt to tune myself to my body's functions, there are times when I cannot accurately gauge what will happen and when.  =S

Arriving at home, I pester Noel to help me change my car's engine oil... and oh yeah... by the way, since the car's already up... help me rotate tires too!  From Noel, I get a look.  I know, I know... I can't lift much and I can't do much... but my car's so large that I can't safely get it lifted off the ground by myself even when I'm not on restrictions!  Plus, the weekends are usually busy... and well, since Noel nicely took off work to take me to the doctor's... we've got the whole afternoon free.  Let's do this while I still feel okay!  Please?!??

Heheheee... such a loving husband.  He jacks up my car while I hoover nearby to slide the jackstands in place.  I start unscrewing the drain plug to release the engine oil while Noel runs around removing my tires.  I dictate where the tires go, Noel places them back on.  Next thing I know, I'm not feeling so great.  My stomach's churning, my head feels light, the ground appears to tilt a little... "Hey Noel, I'm gonna go lay down."  Miserable, I'm sneak back in the house while my husband torques down the tires, changes the oil filter, refills the engine oil, and sets my car back down... all by himself.

Sorry... I really needed my car worked on... but I wasn't any help at all.

Later on that night:
"Hey Noel... my new meds are finally ready at the pharmacy... they close in an hour... can you pick it up for me?  I still don't feel well.  Sorry, I know you just settled down to rest and I can't go with you... but I really want to trial those new meds... the Immodium AD isn't working today.  Can you please go get them for me?"  My poor husband, without a single complaint, gets up and drives off to pick up my new medicine.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

God, thank you beyond words for my beloved husband!  Honestly, if it wasn't for my body being so broken, I would never have experienced my husband's generosity and love to the crazy needy extent that I now constantly ask of him.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for my husband's continued health, work and extensive amount of patience!

Today, I want to shout praises to my Lord!  Lord God, you answered all the many prayers about having a medicine that will allow me to have control over my body!  At least today, the new medication (generic version of Lomotil) appears to be working!  I don't feel queasy or fatigued.  In fact, Lord, I believe by your blessings, you guided the doctors to change my medicine and enabled my body to react appropriately!  Thank you again, Lord God, for renewed hope, for safely roaming outside of the house today, for strength, for a clearer mind to focus, for wisdom in what exercises to perform (I actually did 15 minutes of light exercise... enough for a light sweat!), for safety as I drove my car for the first time in over a month... for so many blessings in this one day alone!

I lift your name and shout my praises... Thank you, Lord, for everything!  This life, this cancer, modern medicine, my doctors, my family and friends, my husband... thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes to see your many blessings, your abundant provisions and for the ability to see the good even in times of difficulty.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Got my cat, Rogue... she's hard to catch!

Hey Rogue... look at the camera... I'm trying to take a picture!

Uh oh... Rogue's unhappy.  This is right before she runs off my lap!