Dreaming of Paintball

Rumble.  Squeak.  The garage door opening.  They’re back! 

Rolling out of bed, I creep to the top of the stairs.  Peering down over the banister, I don’t see anyone.  Pause.  Anyone coming in?  Listening.  Nope.  Inching down the stairs, I pad over to the kitchen.  Hearing voices through the door, I take a peek.  Ah, they’re standing outside!  Slipping on my shoes, I step out to join them.

Car trunk is open with paintball guns neatly lined-up inside.  Piles of dirty paintball laundry stuffed in bags and tossed to the side.  Busy stacking the pod packs and face masks out to rinse, I watch the guys stumble back and forth to organize the equipment.  Slowly bending down, some of the guys sit on the ground with deep sighs of relief.  *smirk*  They each must have played hard.  Today, Noel took some of the young men to play advanced paintball.  Some of these young men have played with us for a couple of years… This time, they’re helping us clean the equipment they used.  LOL… did I mention… there’s a LOT of stuff to clean?  *wide grin*

Squatting down, I join in the fun.  Stories fly back and forth of shooting and being shot at, paintballs that bounce and don’t break, dodging, attacking, bunkering (getting shot at close range), running drills, shooting one-on-one… *drool*

Energy. 

Excitement. 

Adrenaline. 

The smell of broken paint permeates the air.  Dirt and paint are smeared on clothing.  Feet shuffle.  Voices rumble. 

A part of me is so envious.  I want to go out and play.  I want to hunt others down and to be hunted on the paintball field.  I want to polish my techniques: stay tucked-in tight, run fast, slide, attack, dodge.  I want to feel the breeze through gaps in my gear, work my muscles to the point of collapse, experience the heart-pounding adrenaline, eyes darting for targets, mind whirling for a better attack angle.  I miss paintball.  It’s times like this, when all the dirty gear is spread out, that I remember what my body used to be able to do.  I remember how far I’ve fallen.  I acknowledge how much more climbing I still need to do.

Someday… 

Someday I will return to the paintball field.  I will run my body hard with no concern of consequences.  I will shoot and be shot at.  I will once again crawl, slide, hide, stand and run.   I will hear my heart thumping in my ears.  I will have my muscles burn with fatigue.  I will once again put my gear on dry and peel them off soaking with sweat.  My blood will flow fast and hard.  New bruises and welts will appear.  Blood will drip from scrapes and cuts. 

Awesome.

I love playing paintball: the challenge, the teamwork, the communication.  Protecting and being protected.  A combination of patience and aggressiveness.  Paintball is more than just shooting your opponents.  Attitude matters.  Heart.  Hope.  Integrity.  Battling between a fine line of winning and losing where sometimes a slip or a random shot can make all the difference.  Luck.  Strength.  Wisdom.  Skill.  Experience.

For now, I can only assist.  I’m too tired to even make it out to the field to cheer people on, but just for now… just for this short period of time, I want to be here, right in the midst of sweaty gear, paint-smeared guns, tired players and bask in the stories of defeat and of success.

Father God, times like these I wish I was well again.  My fingers are itching to play paintball.  I crave carrying my gun and dodging paint.  As I look at my gear, my heart pounds in anticipation.  When I actually lift my equipment, not even fully geared in pads or carrying a load of paint, not even 5 minutes and my body is quivering in complaint.  After verbally assisting with the clean-up outside, I’m feeling so tired I sit at the dinner table.  Still more tired, I half-lay on the couch.  Not good enough.  *deep sigh*  Giving up, I crawl upstairs to lie in bed.

Lord, when will I recover?  When can I play paintball again?  Even just a little bit.  Father God, Lord of Heaven and Earth… give me the strength to return to work full-time and the endurance to play like I once used to.

Thank you for helping my body heal and letting me slowly get stronger.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity and the wisdom to rest.  Thank you that my most recent CT scan is clear of any abnormal growth.  Yay!!!  I won't have to see the cancer doctor for another 4 months!  Thank you, Lord God, that in you, I always have hope, purpose and goals to look forward to.  Thank you for creating me with a personality that doesn’t easily give up.  Thank you for my stubbornness, my strength in you and the courage you’ve given me to live this life. 

In Jesus’ name I give God all the glory, in good times and bad, amen.

See you all next week!  *hugs*

K

 

Aftermath clean-up of paintball equipment with Benson hanging out... this is what our dinner table looks like:

 

 

Holding Back, Moving Forward

Time flies in the blink of an eye.  Work.  Eat.  Sleep.  Repeat.

By now, I had hoped to be back at work full-time.  I mean, come on... it's been 6 months since the last chemotherapy injection! 

Accepting the fact that my body cannot handle full-time work, I concede to working only 8-hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I was hoping that by May, or at the very latest, start of June, I could return to work full-time.  I want to be a productive, fully present, member of the team at work.

Hasn't happened yet.

Every time I say that I feel stronger and I tell myself "if next week remains steady, I'll add in those extra 8 hours a week and finally work myself back to full-time!"  *super hopeful look*

Nope... every time I even _think_ something about increasing my working hours, my body rebels by telling myself it's tired.  *deep sigh*  So yeah... I'm still on 8-hours for 3 days a week.

"Rest is good."

"Your body's gone through a lot."

"Just be patient a little longer."

Easy being told, but hard to hear because there's no end in sight.  Try living this lifestyle when there's a thousand-and-one things you want to do!  I still haven't gone rockclimbing yet.  I haven't played paintball since last November!  No matter what anyone tells me, I'm getting pretty impatient with myself.

But on the positive side, I am able to do more daily activities such as cooking one or two meals a week, cleaning up a little after myself, and just sitting up with Noel to watch a movie.  The basics in life.  Simple pleasures.  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for allowing me to work part-time at my job.  Thank you that I am able to consistently work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays almost this entire month!  Thank you that I can do a little more than pure bed-rest on my days off.

 Hurray!!!

Lord, I ask for your wisdom in ramping up my activity levels.  I ask for increasing endurance to look ahead and keep moving.  I ask for the joy of abiding in you as I live day by day.  I ask for strength to continue testing my limits.  I ask for rest so I don't drop with fatigue.  I ask for the courage to keep pushing ahead.  I ask for health so I don't catch a cold.

Don't let me get lazy or complacent. Don't let me be content with what I am physically capable of doing.  Don't let me stagnate in my daily life.

Father, this life you've given me is really amazing!  Help me continue to enjoy each day.  Open my eyes to see the beauty in this life and this lifestyle.  Let me focus on you instead of myself. Give me the strength to use my weakness.  Give me the hope of seeing you in every part of my life.  Brighten my heart so that darkness has no place.  Hold me tight so I don't stray from your side.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Have a great week everyone!  I wrote three different potential blog posts, but ended up going with this one because my brain isn't thinking clearly enough to edit.  Heheheeee... *sheepish grin*

Recently, I'm playing with my newly acquired silver chains and synthetic opals.  The deep sparkle of these opals reminds me that life is more than just what I can and cannot do... what's below the surface matters.  So long as I have God's Spirit shining in my life, my life will never be dull.  Yay!!!  =D

Mika's sleeping on me.... ahhhhhh, can't get up!

Every Moment Counts

Noel is coming home.  Hurray!!!!  He’s arriving tonight after a week in Hawaii. I get two precious days with him before sending him off again for a couple of days in San Diego. Two days. Time is ticking.

Sitting in my car, I wait for Noel’s call.  I’m in a parking lot with other cars, all waiting for the signal that the person we came to pick-up is here.  Other cars come and they go.  Where’s Noel’s call?  *ring ring*  Yes!  He’s here!  Wait 5 minutes then come?  Okay.  I should pick you up at the end of the arrival area?  Sure!

I wait close to 4 minutes.  Long enough.  Time to go see my husband!  Driving over to the arrival area, I cruise until I see a break in all the cars.  Should I park here?  Naw, Noel said end of the line of cars.  Ummmm, after the break in the cars picking up passengers, I pass a bunch of taxis.  After the taxis, there’s no parking/pick-up area.  Grrrr… that first opening I saw was probably the pick-up area Noel wanted me to go for.  Nooooooo!

Frustrated and irritated, I step on the gas.  I have to circle the whole airport and redo the pick-up situation.  My meeting with Noel will be delayed and I have to deal with all these speed bumps and traffic lights.  *deep sigh*  This isn’t the attitude I wanted to greet my husband with.  I don’t want to waste my time and energy feeling bad.  What’s done is done.  Focus, I get to see Noel soon.  Kristy, pull yourself out of this mental pit, be positive!  I only have 2 days to spend with Noel, I don’t want to meet him all grumpy.  Cheer up!

I want to fully bask my husband's smile, his voice, the strength of his arms. Yay!  I'm so looking forward to having my husband home. My heart sings. My spirit dances. Thank you, Father God, for bringing my husband back to my side... Even just for a bit... Thank you for the opportunity to live by his side just a moment longer.

Father God, I thank you for this week.  That even with Noel away from home, you provided for my health.  Last week sucked and I was miserable, tired and not feeling my best.  This week, you gave me the energy to cook for myself while Noel’s gone.  I had the strength to play with two of my neighbors, teaching two girls how to make their own silver necklace using cutters, pliers, acid and even a flame torch!  I was able to make it through this work-week without dragging my feet in fatigue.  I successfully cooked for my friends from work without crashing.  This week is amazing!  Lord, thank you that even though I don’t know what my body is going to be like day to day, that you still provide for me above and beyond all my expectations. 

Lord, it’d be nice if I had this energy and strength all the time, or even the consistancy of knowing what days will be good and what days wouldn’t… but Lord, in whatever state my body ends up, I am blessed to see you always there for me… the good times and the bad.

Thank you, Lord, for this ability to know that I am blessed every single moment.  In the changing of my days, I can clearly see your provisions.  In my weakness, I get to lean on your strength.  In my strength, I get to celebrate the joy of being alive.  Each bit of time I have, every opportunity you give, I am blessed by you to really live this one life I’m given.  Help me not waste even a fraction of your blessings; I want it all.  Don’t let me miss out on how good life with you really is. 

Even as I crave comfort, consistancy, assurance of the future, strength, endurance and times of happiness… Lord, I thank you that I don’t always have those things so that I see you so much clearer and get to enjoy this life more fully.  So bring it on!  The life you want me to experience, how you want me to live, so be it.  So long as I get to be immersed in your love, your provisions, your power, your mercy, your very presence… this life is so worth it. 

I’ve gotta say, it really is true that even though my life is filled with so many ups and downs; overall, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been when I was healthy and physically independent.  Funny… to be able to say that being physically broken is a blessing.  Weird huh?

May you be blessed to know the joys of this life.  Be blessed by God eternal, to see the wonders of being alive in both the good times and the bad.  Until next week, take care!

 

Teaching two neighborhood kids how to make an opal necklace:

 

Being Broken

Lord, thank you for this annoyingly frail body.  I am a woman who can see your blessings.  You've blessed me with a husband who loves me beyond my comprehension.  Meals served in bed.  Laundry washed and separated.  Grocery shopping complete.  Dishes washed.  Cats?  Fed and cleaned.  Finances already dealt with.  Anything I want, my husband does his best to provide.  I am beyond spoiled. 

There are times I feel so inadequate.  My husband caters to all my wants and needs day in and day out... and what do I do?  Nothing.  There is nothing I can do to equal or even repay a portion of the time he spends loving me.  There is no gift I can offer in response except to do my best and love my husband in return.  Sometimes, I feel that my love alone isn't enough... I want to offer more, take some of the burden off his shoulders, but I cannot... my body fails me.

Lord God, I am amazed at the love I see through my husband's daily actions.  I don't do anything to deserve or to even earn his love.  And yet, day in and day out, he serves me without complaint.  If anything falls, he comes running to see if I'm hurt. Father God, thank you for allowing me to be physically broken so I can appreciate the love of my husband.  In him, I can see the reflection of your love for me.  In his word, his actions, his touch... Every bit is filled with his love for me that I do nothing to deserve.  I work.  I eat.  I sleep.

In such a way, Father God, you loved us first.  Through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you gave me your ultimate gift... The ability to be by your side, in your presence, to be called your child.  Your love overwhelms me.  Through the actions of my husband, I see you so clearly.  Even though I do not deserve your love, have done nothing that can earn your mercy, you still love me.  In my imperfection, in my selfishness, in my brokenness... You speak of your love for me through your provisions, your blessing of peace, your gift of hope and your assurance that no matter what I do or say, I am still your beloved.

Nothing I can do or say will make you love or care for me any more than you already do.  I cannot buy your love or earn it through tasks.  Lord, serving you is my heartfelt response to the love you first showed me.  I choose to follow you, God, not because of laws or commands, but out of a reflection of the love I have already received.

To God my Father, my Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I give you praise.  Thank you for allowing me to see you.  Thank you for gifting me with difficult circumstances so I can see you in action.  Thank you for the reflection of your amazing love through my husband and his faithful service towards me.

I am unworthy, but I can say that this opportunity to know you personally, Lord God, is a priceless gift beyond any treasures of this world.  Thank you, God, for being my God who loves me beyond all human measures, beyond anything I can do in return, beyond anything I can earn or buy or say.  To you, Lord, be all the glory and praise.

Hanging out with Kalpana and Ngoc, waiting to get a massage: