Hello Everyone! Above is my video I took before surgery. Thanks Stephen for putting it together for me!
Enjoy!
Kristy
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Pre-Surgery Video
Hello Everyone! Above is my video I took before surgery. Thanks Stephen for putting it together for me!
Enjoy!
Kristy
Monday, August 5, 2013
Surrgery Update
Surgery date: Thursday, August 1, 2013 at approximately 11am?
Surgery Update: 5-6 hour surgery. Midway through, colorectal specialists called in to assist. Single large tumor on my small/large intestine junction (removed along with appendix and then reconnected), many many tumors on my sigmoid portion of my large intestines so about 7 inches removed from there. Other little tumors imbedded in the fascia (soft tissue) of my abdomen... those found, all removed.
Current State
Half the pain is gone... Now I'm stuck with a head filled with cotton. The meds take the edge off my pain... On the other hand, I'm left in a drowsy, happy happy, agreeable and barely functioning state! Over and over again, my eyes drift shut. I dose, but don't sleep. Eyes popping wide open... what time is it? Oh, only 3 minutes have past. Eyes droop shut... Darting open, what time is it? Did an hour pass... an hour and a half? Hopeful, I stare at the clock. That can't be right... only 8 minutes have passed? *deep sigh* How much longer will this torture go? I'm tired... so very tired of this endless cycle of pain.
Restless legs. Head filled with fog. Swirling vision. Discomfort. Frustration bound in a tight ball. Irritation held under wraps. Spinning energy with no outlet... just give me something to punch, a place to pedal... something, anything! Arghhhhhhh! Bruised hands, wrists, arms... needle sticks gone wrong, more needle sticks for testing blood, shots of heparin to prevent blood clots... oximeter tied to my finger, I slip off, they replace. Blood pressure check every two hours. My every movement is monitored and recorded like a bug under the microscope! I really REALLY dislike not having control over my own decisions!
This endless monotonous life. Seeing myself balanced on a thin line... one side is life and hope and being mentally being present. There is pain and change and challenges to face. The other side is nothing, emptiness... a place and time separate from this world where I have no history, no name, no struggle, no will... easy. In fear, I calculate... if I fall into this secondary world, I can never get out. Like my great aunt who stayed too long in a care home and gave up, she never quite got her mind back... that's what I'd be if I chose this step... I'd be in a deep, dark, comfortable pit where nothing could touch me, all the pain rolls off and I'm safe. Dark and alluring... tempting... I tilt just a little to that side until WAIT... if I choose to fall into that route, I will never come back sane. I can't do that! I don't want to be comfortably trapped and safe. Why am I even thinking this way? This is so not like me! *cold shiver*
Shouting in my head:
God, where are you?!!?!?!!! I'm so numb with drugs that I've lost all sense of myself, of time, of challenges, of hope, of life. Help me gain a foothold, Lord God, give me firm ground to stand and a clear direction to strive for! I can deal with pain. I can deal with fatigue. Haven't I done all that and more already? What's so different this time? What's this sensation of giving up I've so rarely faced... what's happening to me?
Lord Father, I'm scared. I'm here and I'm not here. My body is here but my mind is so clouded I have the hardest time even looking straight at someone as they speak to me. Where are you God? Where is my light given by your spirit? I can handle the dark, but this distorted landscape is worse than anything I could ever imagine. How can I stay sane and stay stuck to you? Help me Father as only you can! This is a struggle I don't know how to even voice... help me break through to who you created me to be. I am not a puppet. I am not a doll only going through motions to please others. I hate this fog, my vacant smile, my barely returned replies. What happened to my motivation? What happened to my strength? What happened to my life? Where are my goals and hope? I want it back!
Being in a hospital can be so cold Lord. Physically cold, yes. But even more so, there are people so into protocol and numbers that my words don't make it through! To these... I'm a statistic, a number, a job, money. To others, they actually see me, hear me, take the time to listen to what I say and what I mean.
Thank you Lord that I get to go home Tuesday afternoon! Thank you for softening the doctor's hearts to let me out of this soft prison. The pain, the pooping and farting... the crap stuff I literally may have to deal with... Lord, I give into your hands and ask for mercy!
In Jesus' name I plead for my Father God's mercy, grace, and provisions. Amen.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Before Surgery
At work:
What do you like?
Ummmmm... kettle corn.
Okay, what else?
Chip.
Okay, chips... what else?
Uhhhhh...... *blank*
Fine the, breakfast or lunch?
Lunch... I think?
Hey! Where did you get that food? From the truck? Is it good?
Yeah, let's all eat lunch together and get food from the truck!
Yes! That sounds great! Hey everyone, let's eat food from that truck on Tuesday!
Yup! We're a rowdy group that enjoys good food... and recently... a slew of gross stories! Many that are related to bugs! *smirk*
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Today, we celebrate! This is kind of embarrassing, but... we're celebrating "Kristy Day!" My friends at work are soooooo cute! I feel super loved, warm and all fuzzy inside. Yay!!!
8 different _large_ bags of chips (or was it 9 bags?), 2 bags of kettle corn, flavored Kit-Kats and Pocky flavors that can't be bought in the United States. *drool* On the side, there was a full spread of cheese, fruit, candy, drinks. So much yumminess!
At lunch, we walk out into the warm sunshine, a group of green scrubbed,
blue-gowned, capped and shoe-covered hospital workers to pick-up lunch.
Together we shuffle our way towards the construction area where the
truck is parked, gather 4 bags of goodies and shuffle our way back
inside. Yummy food! I grab a little bit of food here, taste test a
little over there, much off of another's plate, scoop a bit of soup...
YIKES! There's a LOT of food! =D
The joy of hanging out together, of celebrating life and work with close friends... I don't have the words to express my joy and my excitement! Sitting back, I soak in this atmosphere. Wow, God has really blessed me with wonderful co-workers. Together, we make a family... able to laugh together, cry together, play tricks on each other and help each other! I can't imagine myself working anywhere else!
We just started using a cool new (for us) technology at work, a machine that uses ultrasonic waves and water to remove unwanted tissue from wounds. A little water splashing here, a drip of blood there... and a beautifully clean wound. =D Yes, my thoughts are kind of morbid, but this is what I do at work and I love it!
End of the day:
One by one, my co-workers leave. I soak in the warmth from gentle hugs, arms wrapped firmly across shoulders and backs. I have a few ends to tie up, papers to complete, emails to write, desk to clean... the office becomes quieter and quieter... background sounds dwindle... first slowly, then quicker and quicker as each person leaves. In the quiet, I give my desk a final wipe, remove a lonely staple, pack away my flowers, toys, papers.
Looking around, a wave of sadness washes over me. It's not like I'll be gone from work forever... just 11 weeks. Eleven weeks sounds too long. Already, I miss my friends at work. I miss the laughter, the squeamish-bug stories, the energy, the life and even the work itself.
August 1, 2013
I'm at Stanford...super sleepy. Tripping over a chair, stumbling to get the internet key code... my brain is filled with a dense fog as I try and finish the blog.
God, I give this procedure up to you, I'm not clear enough to think right now, but I thank you for this life and where I'll go and do after this surgery. Thank you, Lord God, for your blessings, for your peace and reassurances. Thank you for all the support, love, encouragement, help, prayers and fun acitivities I've done recently!
In Jesus' name, amen.
See you all later!!! =D
What do you like?
Ummmmm... kettle corn.
Okay, what else?
Chip.
Okay, chips... what else?
Uhhhhh...... *blank*
Fine the, breakfast or lunch?
Lunch... I think?
Hey! Where did you get that food? From the truck? Is it good?
Yeah, let's all eat lunch together and get food from the truck!
Yes! That sounds great! Hey everyone, let's eat food from that truck on Tuesday!
Yup! We're a rowdy group that enjoys good food... and recently... a slew of gross stories! Many that are related to bugs! *smirk*
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Today, we celebrate! This is kind of embarrassing, but... we're celebrating "Kristy Day!" My friends at work are soooooo cute! I feel super loved, warm and all fuzzy inside. Yay!!!
8 different _large_ bags of chips (or was it 9 bags?), 2 bags of kettle corn, flavored Kit-Kats and Pocky flavors that can't be bought in the United States. *drool* On the side, there was a full spread of cheese, fruit, candy, drinks. So much yumminess!
 |
| This is the demolished chip stash at the end of the day!!! |
The joy of hanging out together, of celebrating life and work with close friends... I don't have the words to express my joy and my excitement! Sitting back, I soak in this atmosphere. Wow, God has really blessed me with wonderful co-workers. Together, we make a family... able to laugh together, cry together, play tricks on each other and help each other! I can't imagine myself working anywhere else!
We just started using a cool new (for us) technology at work, a machine that uses ultrasonic waves and water to remove unwanted tissue from wounds. A little water splashing here, a drip of blood there... and a beautifully clean wound. =D Yes, my thoughts are kind of morbid, but this is what I do at work and I love it!
End of the day:
One by one, my co-workers leave. I soak in the warmth from gentle hugs, arms wrapped firmly across shoulders and backs. I have a few ends to tie up, papers to complete, emails to write, desk to clean... the office becomes quieter and quieter... background sounds dwindle... first slowly, then quicker and quicker as each person leaves. In the quiet, I give my desk a final wipe, remove a lonely staple, pack away my flowers, toys, papers.
Looking around, a wave of sadness washes over me. It's not like I'll be gone from work forever... just 11 weeks. Eleven weeks sounds too long. Already, I miss my friends at work. I miss the laughter, the squeamish-bug stories, the energy, the life and even the work itself.
 |
| This is my desk... AFTER I cleaned up! =O |
I'm at Stanford...super sleepy. Tripping over a chair, stumbling to get the internet key code... my brain is filled with a dense fog as I try and finish the blog.
God, I give this procedure up to you, I'm not clear enough to think right now, but I thank you for this life and where I'll go and do after this surgery. Thank you, Lord God, for your blessings, for your peace and reassurances. Thank you for all the support, love, encouragement, help, prayers and fun acitivities I've done recently!
In Jesus' name, amen.
See you all later!!! =D
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Paintball Day
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Excitement
Anticipation
Anxiety
Jittery and bright-eyed, I jump out of bed. Today's finally the long-awaited paintball day!
Chill breeze
Gray skies
Quiet...
Calm before the coming storm
What will today be like? It’ll be awesome because I believe that God provided this day to be exactly what it is! Whatever comes about… today will be a day of blessings!
At the paintball field, set up starts: friends come early to help, Noel deals with the overall set-up and I assign groups. Last-minute waiver forms wave in my face. Money flashes by. Furiously scribbling notations and new updates… more friends come. Numbers flying, last-minute changes... Ahhhhhhhhhh. I give up! I don't have time to recalculate... I can't delay or we will start playing too late. Let’s pay up and get started!
Front desk:
16 rentals with 500 paintballs, 7 rentals with 1000 rounds of paint, 7 self-equipped... 3 of these are team admits.... Oops, make that 2 _more_ rentals with 500 rounds of paint. Oh, you don't have a gun? I lost count. There’s one person with no equipment, can I get another rental and I’ll count people later and let you know if we owe a rental fee.
Okay… how many want/need chest protectors? No, not everyone gets chest protectors, only girls and people who are really afraid of getting hurt. 14? Do 14 of you _really_ need chest protectors? Never mind. Okay, can we get 14 chest protectors… here, can you hand these out? Oh yeah, a pod pack for each rental please… oh, you only have 14? Okay, we’ll take those 14 pod packs. Uhhhhhh, we're missing a bag of paint? *dripping sweat* Guess there was an uncounted for rental. I’ll pay for one more rental package with 500 paintballs please!
That’s all for rentals and equipment right? Okay, let’s get ready to play! Santa Clara Paintball will provide orientation to safety, additional introduction by Noel and I regarding equipment usage, prayer, group picture (because I know I’ll forget later!), hand out bags of paint, meet and greet teammates, get to know your team coaches... let's go play!
Father in Heaven, thank you thank you THANK YOU so much for a fun-filled day of paintball: running, yelling, shooting, tension, excitement, teamwork, communication, learning, teaching, adrenaline, pain, full-out physical activity, sharpened senses, fear, bruises, joyfully bright smiles… so much life! Thank you, Father God, for the ability to grow together with friends, to meet new people… to experience your thousand-and-one blessings in unexpected ways.
Father, even as I got really antsy and irritable with the constant last-minute changes… Lord, you gave me peace and calmness of heart and the humility to apologize for my high-strung demands for waivers and money ASAP. *wide grin* Lord, even in the midst of all this event planning and execution, thank you for the peace of knowing that this is your event, under your protection and provision… and because of that, I’m able to be at peace when I acknowledge your power and your authority… to lean on you and not myself.
Lord, you provided us with personal equipment from Santa Clara Paintball staff as our own equipment broke down. You gave us wonderful coaches and lieutenants who actively invested in teaching beginners how to play and handle equipment, friends who came to watch assisted in driving people to our home for lunch... you provided time to take pictures, time to rest, plenty of water, snacks and food... so much and more! Lord God, your abundance of blessings is again beyond any expectations… anything I could even have dreamed of on my part. Father, thank you for again showing me your power and your strength when I am weak… thank you for providing when I can’t… thank you for turning a crazy event into a manageable one… thank you for covering all aspects I didn’t plan for!
Thank you, Father God, for this opportunity to play paintball with a lot of friends right before my surgery!
Lord... I don't know what else to say except "thank you" over and over and over again! Your love and your provisions and your attention to details is amazing!
So... In Jesus’ name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.
Excitement
Anticipation
Anxiety
Jittery and bright-eyed, I jump out of bed. Today's finally the long-awaited paintball day!
Chill breeze
Gray skies
Quiet...
Calm before the coming storm
What will today be like? It’ll be awesome because I believe that God provided this day to be exactly what it is! Whatever comes about… today will be a day of blessings!
At the paintball field, set up starts: friends come early to help, Noel deals with the overall set-up and I assign groups. Last-minute waiver forms wave in my face. Money flashes by. Furiously scribbling notations and new updates… more friends come. Numbers flying, last-minute changes... Ahhhhhhhhhh. I give up! I don't have time to recalculate... I can't delay or we will start playing too late. Let’s pay up and get started!
Front desk:
16 rentals with 500 paintballs, 7 rentals with 1000 rounds of paint, 7 self-equipped... 3 of these are team admits.... Oops, make that 2 _more_ rentals with 500 rounds of paint. Oh, you don't have a gun? I lost count. There’s one person with no equipment, can I get another rental and I’ll count people later and let you know if we owe a rental fee.
Okay… how many want/need chest protectors? No, not everyone gets chest protectors, only girls and people who are really afraid of getting hurt. 14? Do 14 of you _really_ need chest protectors? Never mind. Okay, can we get 14 chest protectors… here, can you hand these out? Oh yeah, a pod pack for each rental please… oh, you only have 14? Okay, we’ll take those 14 pod packs. Uhhhhhh, we're missing a bag of paint? *dripping sweat* Guess there was an uncounted for rental. I’ll pay for one more rental package with 500 paintballs please!
That’s all for rentals and equipment right? Okay, let’s get ready to play! Santa Clara Paintball will provide orientation to safety, additional introduction by Noel and I regarding equipment usage, prayer, group picture (because I know I’ll forget later!), hand out bags of paint, meet and greet teammates, get to know your team coaches... let's go play!
Father in Heaven, thank you thank you THANK YOU so much for a fun-filled day of paintball: running, yelling, shooting, tension, excitement, teamwork, communication, learning, teaching, adrenaline, pain, full-out physical activity, sharpened senses, fear, bruises, joyfully bright smiles… so much life! Thank you, Father God, for the ability to grow together with friends, to meet new people… to experience your thousand-and-one blessings in unexpected ways.
Father, even as I got really antsy and irritable with the constant last-minute changes… Lord, you gave me peace and calmness of heart and the humility to apologize for my high-strung demands for waivers and money ASAP. *wide grin* Lord, even in the midst of all this event planning and execution, thank you for the peace of knowing that this is your event, under your protection and provision… and because of that, I’m able to be at peace when I acknowledge your power and your authority… to lean on you and not myself.
Lord, you provided us with personal equipment from Santa Clara Paintball staff as our own equipment broke down. You gave us wonderful coaches and lieutenants who actively invested in teaching beginners how to play and handle equipment, friends who came to watch assisted in driving people to our home for lunch... you provided time to take pictures, time to rest, plenty of water, snacks and food... so much and more! Lord God, your abundance of blessings is again beyond any expectations… anything I could even have dreamed of on my part. Father, thank you for again showing me your power and your strength when I am weak… thank you for providing when I can’t… thank you for turning a crazy event into a manageable one… thank you for covering all aspects I didn’t plan for!
Thank you, Father God, for this opportunity to play paintball with a lot of friends right before my surgery!
Lord... I don't know what else to say except "thank you" over and over and over again! Your love and your provisions and your attention to details is amazing!
So... In Jesus’ name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.
 |
| All the daring peeps who were able to make it out to play paintball today! |
 |
| These are the captains and lieutenants who made this event possible (I'm in here too!) =P Thanks everyone!!! Totally couldn't do this type of event without all of you present! *big hugs* |
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The Ugliness Inside
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Lord, I just really really don't want to sit down and write... give me the words to help me process my feelings, my thoughts, my actions and my reactions.
Father God, part of me... well, most of me... really really doesn't want to be at this church retreat. I'm so tired. Can I just rest? A church retreat is supposed to be a place to rest right? But what does resting really mean? Can I skip messages? Can I not participate in small group? Can I go hide and not talk to people? I want to be alone... then why am I here? Away from home, an uncomfortable bed, so-so food... why am I here and what is my purpose of coming to this retreat? Was I forced? No. So what am I doing? Part of me knows that every time I seek you, Lord, I am blessed: I get to learn new things about myself. I get the opportunity to see you at work. I get way more in return than if I hide in my comfortable hole.
So... how do I get there? Hiding in my room gets me nowhere. Staying silent in small group brings no return. Stewing in my rebellion (right now, I'm skipping the church photo) doesn't accomplish anything but gain attention for not following the flow. *sheepish grin*
As people walk past, they ask me "aren't you coming for the church photo?"
Feeling a little guilty, I state "Naw, I'm writing in my blog right now." Seemly okay with my reply, most people continue on. Walking back to my room, I gave the same reply... but a pair passing by actually paused and reconsidered their actions. Oops! For a split second, I freeze. Oh no... not only am I ditching, my example encourages others to do the same. Bad Kristy!!! Such a hypocrite. I encourage others to participate in the group picture but I myself refuse. Stupid pride and stubbornness... I don't even know why I'm kicking up such a fuss... so much easier to just _go_, be a part of the picture, make people happy... then come back and sleep.
Noel and a group walk back stating they came back really quick because no one was there to take the photo. As Noel quietly asks me "are you going?" I continue to reply, "no... I want to rest." Sadly, he walks out.
Inside of me, a fist clenches and I feel super guilty. Hanging around my room, attempting to blog, I hesitate. Pride. Guilt. Discomfort. Sadness. Is this what I wanted? Is this my intention for this retreat... to cause dissension by my poor attitude? Is this how my weekend will go if I continue to stubbornly and pridefully go my own route?
What do I really want? What kind of rest do I crave? What do I really need?
*deep sigh* Rushing out of my room, I head over to the photo location... a third of the way there, a mass of people are walking towards me. Too late. Photo's done. Regret. Relief. Discomfort. Silly me... if I can't be happy doing what I think _I_ want... then what's the point in the first place?
I feel like a little child... throwing a tantrum and not knowing what I really want that will comfort me.... to satisfy this emptiness inside.
Doing things my own way really doesn't seem to accomplish anything... I'm just getting more tired! What kind of rest is this? Not much of one. Somehow, looking back at my crazy activities... so long as I follow God, no matter how much energy and activity and work it may require... I feel way more happy and energized then than I do now. This sucks. My attitude sucks. My pride sucks. Grrrrrrr....
Father God... change my heart to serve you and listen to you... even when I don't want to. Give me the attitude and the energy to be exactly what you want me to be and where you want me to be. Change my heart, Lord, from this ugly selfish lazy girl to something more. Transform my life so that I can rest in your arms and find peace while I actively participate in this retreat. Teach me, Father, how to rest and serve at the same time. Guide me, Lord, in my choices, words, actions and reactions. I don't like where I am. I don't like what I am without you. Father, I need you. The many people who see me and my crazy activities and all-out serving... Lord, that's all you! Me... I like to hide, do nothing, be selfish, and be totally asocial. But honestly, I don't have fun living life my own way. I have way more fun living with you and through you. So Lord, I ask... continue to grow me to be more like you. Provide me your wisdom, your strength, your love for people, your heart.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Lord, I just really really don't want to sit down and write... give me the words to help me process my feelings, my thoughts, my actions and my reactions.
Father God, part of me... well, most of me... really really doesn't want to be at this church retreat. I'm so tired. Can I just rest? A church retreat is supposed to be a place to rest right? But what does resting really mean? Can I skip messages? Can I not participate in small group? Can I go hide and not talk to people? I want to be alone... then why am I here? Away from home, an uncomfortable bed, so-so food... why am I here and what is my purpose of coming to this retreat? Was I forced? No. So what am I doing? Part of me knows that every time I seek you, Lord, I am blessed: I get to learn new things about myself. I get the opportunity to see you at work. I get way more in return than if I hide in my comfortable hole.
So... how do I get there? Hiding in my room gets me nowhere. Staying silent in small group brings no return. Stewing in my rebellion (right now, I'm skipping the church photo) doesn't accomplish anything but gain attention for not following the flow. *sheepish grin*
As people walk past, they ask me "aren't you coming for the church photo?"
Feeling a little guilty, I state "Naw, I'm writing in my blog right now." Seemly okay with my reply, most people continue on. Walking back to my room, I gave the same reply... but a pair passing by actually paused and reconsidered their actions. Oops! For a split second, I freeze. Oh no... not only am I ditching, my example encourages others to do the same. Bad Kristy!!! Such a hypocrite. I encourage others to participate in the group picture but I myself refuse. Stupid pride and stubbornness... I don't even know why I'm kicking up such a fuss... so much easier to just _go_, be a part of the picture, make people happy... then come back and sleep.
Noel and a group walk back stating they came back really quick because no one was there to take the photo. As Noel quietly asks me "are you going?" I continue to reply, "no... I want to rest." Sadly, he walks out.
Inside of me, a fist clenches and I feel super guilty. Hanging around my room, attempting to blog, I hesitate. Pride. Guilt. Discomfort. Sadness. Is this what I wanted? Is this my intention for this retreat... to cause dissension by my poor attitude? Is this how my weekend will go if I continue to stubbornly and pridefully go my own route?
What do I really want? What kind of rest do I crave? What do I really need?
*deep sigh* Rushing out of my room, I head over to the photo location... a third of the way there, a mass of people are walking towards me. Too late. Photo's done. Regret. Relief. Discomfort. Silly me... if I can't be happy doing what I think _I_ want... then what's the point in the first place?
I feel like a little child... throwing a tantrum and not knowing what I really want that will comfort me.... to satisfy this emptiness inside.
Doing things my own way really doesn't seem to accomplish anything... I'm just getting more tired! What kind of rest is this? Not much of one. Somehow, looking back at my crazy activities... so long as I follow God, no matter how much energy and activity and work it may require... I feel way more happy and energized then than I do now. This sucks. My attitude sucks. My pride sucks. Grrrrrrr....
Father God... change my heart to serve you and listen to you... even when I don't want to. Give me the attitude and the energy to be exactly what you want me to be and where you want me to be. Change my heart, Lord, from this ugly selfish lazy girl to something more. Transform my life so that I can rest in your arms and find peace while I actively participate in this retreat. Teach me, Father, how to rest and serve at the same time. Guide me, Lord, in my choices, words, actions and reactions. I don't like where I am. I don't like what I am without you. Father, I need you. The many people who see me and my crazy activities and all-out serving... Lord, that's all you! Me... I like to hide, do nothing, be selfish, and be totally asocial. But honestly, I don't have fun living life my own way. I have way more fun living with you and through you. So Lord, I ask... continue to grow me to be more like you. Provide me your wisdom, your strength, your love for people, your heart.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
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| My birthday surprise! =D |
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| Dinner with my co-workers at Pacific Catch on July 18: Waaayyyyyyy more than I can eat! =O |
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Upcoming Surgery
Monday, July 8, 2013
Fearing the worst, wishing for the best... that's my mindset for today. Well, what's so special about today? I get told whether or not my chemotherapy worked on stabilizing or shrinking my tumors. This way, I can finalize my plans for the near future. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time.
Outcome: the chemotherapy didn't work. My tumors are larger in size (the official CT report isn't in so I don't have numbers to offer).
Plan: Surgery on August 1st at Stanford Hospital... hopefully first thing in the morning.
How do I feel now? I'm not sure. Relief that there's a plan set in place. Excited that I get a vacation after surgery. Fear of the unknown. I'm attempting to delve into my own feelings but unable to grasp what emotions are present. Actually, I feel more blank right now. I don't have a clear sense of my own reaction to the upcoming surgery and failure of this most recent chemotherapy round.
I do know that as I talk about my upcoming surgery, I strongly lean towards the positives. I slide quickly from announcing my CT result, to upcoming surgery and then dwell on the benefits after surgery... mainly that the upcoming 2 months of disability from work will result in free-time to play and that this just happens to link up with my planned vacation from work in October!
Looking at my words, I get a sense that the way I talk is a defense mechanism. Gloss over the hard to talk about unknown and just focus on the practical and positive aspects. I know that after surgery, there will be pain, recovery will be miserable and movement will be difficult... however, that's just part of any major surgery. This time, the doctors will have to cut me open even wider to get to the back of my liver. Lovely. (sorry, my sarcasm is popping out)
Honestly, I'm not looking forward to the first 2 to 3 weeks right after surgery... from my memories of two prior abdominal surgeries... recovery is not fun. In fact, initial recovery sucks! Nausea, pain, constant ache, fatigue, slow and careful movements... every cough is painful, every shift of position in bed is agony. Nope! Totally not looking forward to early August. *deep sigh*
So this is where I am, balancing between two worlds: one beautiful and filled with hope... the other is dark, a churning pit of despair. So how do I deal with two widely differing emotions? To prepare for the upcoming battle... I pray and I sleep.
Lord God, I can change my future by the decisions I make and by the attitude I choose to take. I am determined not to run away from facing whatever comes. Instead, Father God, please give me your strength. Give me hope that comes only from walking with you. Let your light and all your blessings outshine any difficulties in the coming days. Father in Heaven... yes, I am scared. Give me the strength to take just one step forward. Open my eyes to see your power at work. Give me peace knowing that you are in full control. Settle my heart. Renew the purpose I have in this life... to live fully for you.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Fearing the worst, wishing for the best... that's my mindset for today. Well, what's so special about today? I get told whether or not my chemotherapy worked on stabilizing or shrinking my tumors. This way, I can finalize my plans for the near future. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time.
Outcome: the chemotherapy didn't work. My tumors are larger in size (the official CT report isn't in so I don't have numbers to offer).
Plan: Surgery on August 1st at Stanford Hospital... hopefully first thing in the morning.
How do I feel now? I'm not sure. Relief that there's a plan set in place. Excited that I get a vacation after surgery. Fear of the unknown. I'm attempting to delve into my own feelings but unable to grasp what emotions are present. Actually, I feel more blank right now. I don't have a clear sense of my own reaction to the upcoming surgery and failure of this most recent chemotherapy round.
I do know that as I talk about my upcoming surgery, I strongly lean towards the positives. I slide quickly from announcing my CT result, to upcoming surgery and then dwell on the benefits after surgery... mainly that the upcoming 2 months of disability from work will result in free-time to play and that this just happens to link up with my planned vacation from work in October!
Looking at my words, I get a sense that the way I talk is a defense mechanism. Gloss over the hard to talk about unknown and just focus on the practical and positive aspects. I know that after surgery, there will be pain, recovery will be miserable and movement will be difficult... however, that's just part of any major surgery. This time, the doctors will have to cut me open even wider to get to the back of my liver. Lovely. (sorry, my sarcasm is popping out)
Honestly, I'm not looking forward to the first 2 to 3 weeks right after surgery... from my memories of two prior abdominal surgeries... recovery is not fun. In fact, initial recovery sucks! Nausea, pain, constant ache, fatigue, slow and careful movements... every cough is painful, every shift of position in bed is agony. Nope! Totally not looking forward to early August. *deep sigh*
So this is where I am, balancing between two worlds: one beautiful and filled with hope... the other is dark, a churning pit of despair. So how do I deal with two widely differing emotions? To prepare for the upcoming battle... I pray and I sleep.
Lord God, I can change my future by the decisions I make and by the attitude I choose to take. I am determined not to run away from facing whatever comes. Instead, Father God, please give me your strength. Give me hope that comes only from walking with you. Let your light and all your blessings outshine any difficulties in the coming days. Father in Heaven... yes, I am scared. Give me the strength to take just one step forward. Open my eyes to see your power at work. Give me peace knowing that you are in full control. Settle my heart. Renew the purpose I have in this life... to live fully for you.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
My Reason for Marriage
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
What Sunday continuing education course should I take? Honestly, the main option is finance. With the recent household budgeting and reallocation of finances, Noel and I both feel that we have a fairly decent grasp regarding this subject. So for Sunday classes after the sermon, what's left? Well... the other option is a course on marriage. To join this course, both Noel and I need to agree on participating. Well, why not? I'm sure there's always more to learn about our marriage... I don't know what that might be, but well, we've been married for close to 8 years now and I doubt we've experienced everything. I'd rather learn where our weak spots are than to have a problem hit me in the head years later and go "how'd that happen?"
First question given as homework: why did I decide to get married? What is my goal/purpose in being married?
Wow... so deep. Honestly, I don't think I've ever so clearly taken the time to work out the answer to this particular question.
Kind of interesting. Every large event I help host, each fellowship I participate in has a purpose, a goal to work towards. Why not our marriage? A life-long commitment with no purpose and no goal sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So why did I get married? What is my main reason?
Did I get married to always have someone there for me? Did I get married to have a person to snuggle with or enjoy the physical benefits? Did I get married because people expect me to? Did I get married for security or to have kids? Did I get married to change my life, have someone to grow old with or for the attention/excitement?
Ummmm... None of these reasons quite hit the spot. I mean, none of these answers are wrong... these questions all contain reasons for why I got married. But... what's my main reason? Why did I choose to marry Noel?
In the Bible, Ephesians 5: 22-33 is a source of many heated conversations about the role of husbands and wives... this section states that the Biblical purpose of marriage is to reflect Jesus Christ's relationship with those of us who follow him.
How does this mesh with my primary requirement for a husband? A man who demonstrates the ability and will to follow Jesus Christ above my own selfish desires... one who can be a leader and partner with me ... one that matches my personal life goal... to grow more in knowing and following Christ.
Even with Noel's weak areas and my own personality defects... in Noel and with Noel, I see the potential to learn more about this Jesus I follow, to have someone (who frequently rubs me the wrong way and I rub him the wrong way) support each other in becoming more than we individually are as followers of Christ.
Lofty goal huh?
However, in these past 8 years... I can definitely state that walking with Noel, fighting with Noel, meshing and sharing with Noel our different personalities, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants... that together, intentionally with Jesus Christ as the head, guide, and final decision-maker of our household... I have experienced and continue to experience an amazing, supportive, loving marriage that continues to meld two very different people into one.
I will continue this life-long journey... rough edges just starting to wear smooth... sharing a single committed focus with my best friend, my lover, my husband.
Father God, I again commit to staying married to Noel. I want to have my marriage be a reflection of your commitment and your relationship to those who follow you. I want this marriage with Noel to grow us as followers of Jesus Christ in ways we never could by ourselves. I want this marriage to show me a world of you that I cannot attain by my own power, by my own will, by my own way. May my marriage with Noel bring you glory. May our struggles and hardships make your presence shine ever brighter. May I continue to live with my goal and Noel's goal pointed in the same direction with you at the helm.
In Jesus' name I ask, amen.
What Sunday continuing education course should I take? Honestly, the main option is finance. With the recent household budgeting and reallocation of finances, Noel and I both feel that we have a fairly decent grasp regarding this subject. So for Sunday classes after the sermon, what's left? Well... the other option is a course on marriage. To join this course, both Noel and I need to agree on participating. Well, why not? I'm sure there's always more to learn about our marriage... I don't know what that might be, but well, we've been married for close to 8 years now and I doubt we've experienced everything. I'd rather learn where our weak spots are than to have a problem hit me in the head years later and go "how'd that happen?"
First question given as homework: why did I decide to get married? What is my goal/purpose in being married?
Wow... so deep. Honestly, I don't think I've ever so clearly taken the time to work out the answer to this particular question.
Kind of interesting. Every large event I help host, each fellowship I participate in has a purpose, a goal to work towards. Why not our marriage? A life-long commitment with no purpose and no goal sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So why did I get married? What is my main reason?
Did I get married to always have someone there for me? Did I get married to have a person to snuggle with or enjoy the physical benefits? Did I get married because people expect me to? Did I get married for security or to have kids? Did I get married to change my life, have someone to grow old with or for the attention/excitement?
Ummmm... None of these reasons quite hit the spot. I mean, none of these answers are wrong... these questions all contain reasons for why I got married. But... what's my main reason? Why did I choose to marry Noel?
In the Bible, Ephesians 5: 22-33 is a source of many heated conversations about the role of husbands and wives... this section states that the Biblical purpose of marriage is to reflect Jesus Christ's relationship with those of us who follow him.
How does this mesh with my primary requirement for a husband? A man who demonstrates the ability and will to follow Jesus Christ above my own selfish desires... one who can be a leader and partner with me ... one that matches my personal life goal... to grow more in knowing and following Christ.
Even with Noel's weak areas and my own personality defects... in Noel and with Noel, I see the potential to learn more about this Jesus I follow, to have someone (who frequently rubs me the wrong way and I rub him the wrong way) support each other in becoming more than we individually are as followers of Christ.
Lofty goal huh?
However, in these past 8 years... I can definitely state that walking with Noel, fighting with Noel, meshing and sharing with Noel our different personalities, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants... that together, intentionally with Jesus Christ as the head, guide, and final decision-maker of our household... I have experienced and continue to experience an amazing, supportive, loving marriage that continues to meld two very different people into one.
I will continue this life-long journey... rough edges just starting to wear smooth... sharing a single committed focus with my best friend, my lover, my husband.
Father God, I again commit to staying married to Noel. I want to have my marriage be a reflection of your commitment and your relationship to those who follow you. I want this marriage with Noel to grow us as followers of Jesus Christ in ways we never could by ourselves. I want this marriage to show me a world of you that I cannot attain by my own power, by my own will, by my own way. May my marriage with Noel bring you glory. May our struggles and hardships make your presence shine ever brighter. May I continue to live with my goal and Noel's goal pointed in the same direction with you at the helm.
In Jesus' name I ask, amen.
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| Noel gave me this photo printed on metal for my birthday!!! God creates such beautiful colors! <3 br=""> |
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