When I'm not capable...

Wednesday, Feb 13, 2013

Lord, I'm so confused!  I know you've given me gifts... things I'm naturally good at.  There are also things I'm very much NOT good at.  Why, God, did you place me in a position as an adviser to other leaders?  They're way more talented than me, have much better ideas, are able to articulate their thoughts clearly in a precise manner... everything I'm not.  I feel like I'm getting a close-up view of what I cannot do, cannot say...  I can clearly see what I lack.  I don't have the natural "follow me" charisma.  I don't have super wildly creative ideas... I'm not even good at pin-pointing key issues to address and how to address them!  *sad face*

I feel as if I'm placed in the wrong position.  God, you can't really want me here right?  I bumble around, make unclear suggestions, don't have a clear vision of where to lead the group nor how to "advise."  Instead, I struggle to participate, feeling as if I'm grasping at straws in a whirlwind.  I feel unbalanced.  So what am I good at?  What can I do?

Father God, you've given me the heart to love people for who and where they each are at.  You've blessed me with the knowledge that I need to clear away the smoke and find the source of an issue and directly address that.  Lord, you've given me the gift to talk directly with you and know that I'm heard... that you will answer.  Father, I'm blessed to know that when I am weak and need to lean on you... that's when I see you the most clearly at work.

In my despair, in my hopelessness, in my uncertainty and fear... the rest is all you, Lord God.  I can honestly say that my role as an adviser... I can't do it.  I need you, Father, by my side.  My gifts and strengths are to follow and work with others, to polish the ideas of others... as a follower, how do I advise?  As I struggle with my new role, I start to realize that you've never asked me to lead.  God, you only require that I focus myself to intentionally be led by you... and through you, Lord, you will handle any issues that arise.

Father, thank you for showing me so clearly tonight that I am exactly what and where you want me to be within this group of gifted leaders.  My "job" isn't to lead, but to follow with my eyes desperately fixed on you.  My strength lies in my weaknesses: my confusion, my inadequate use of language, my feelings of frustration and fear, my inability to properly express my passions and my goals.  Because of my many weaknesses, Lord, I lean on your strength and your wisdom.  What better leader is there than you?  I will use my weaknesses to support and encourage others... to be a stepping stone so that others may reach ever higher.

So Lord God in heaven, I lift your name in praise... for my strengths and for my weaknesses.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Quick Blog Notice:

Wednesday, Feb 13, 2013

If you haven't noticed yet... my blog posts are getting more infrequent... about twice a month.  *sheepish grin*

I can write more often, but refuse to write for the sake of writing!  *smirk*  I want to write when I'm most passionate about a topic or examining an idea and working it out in my head.  So yup, let's see if I can crank out my thoughts tonight!

Inadequate

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Boiling anger.  Bottled frustration.  Churning sensations of helplessness.  Lost.  Confused.  Tired.  Sad.

Lord… did you really call me to these recent commitments?  I don’t feel qualified!  What you’re asking of me are NOT my strengths!  I want to yell, rail at the world, tear objects apart!  I feel so useless.  Lord Father, knowing that the positions I’m currently committed to… none of these are quite in my areas of strength.  I want to scream “why me?” 

Then I pause.  Why not me?  *deep sigh*  Lord God, I feel so blind…  groping in the shadows... fighting non-existent objects…  flailing in the dark.  If I didn’t know so strongly that you’ve placed me in this multiple leadership position of young adult adviser, Bible study leader and sharing group leader… if, Lord, these aren’t where you’ve clearly shown me that you want me to be… I’d be happily running (very far) in the opposite direction!

Because I know you called me, I will go.  But Lord, I have absolutely NO idea what I’m doing and where I’m going and how I’m supposed to get there!  *frustrated grimace*  I know, Lord, that you say to trust you… and I am because I have absolutely no other options right now.  I’m exploring the unknown, in the deepest dark… and only you guiding me by your voice.  It’s scary.  I want to cry.  I know I just started my commitments… but Lord, can I take a break yet?  Can I back out into my comfortable lifestyle of reading manga, hanging out with friends and doing my best at work?  I feel so tired and I haven’t even _started_ serving all out yet.

I know… as you’ve called, Lord, you’ll also provide.  I _know_ that you’ll provide the words, the right attitude, the strength, the energy… and I’ll very clearly know that it’s not from me because these are areas in which I lack.  In my struggles, I’m letting my fear cloud your promises of provision.  My hopelessness is leading to an internal struggle of anger and frustration that’s ready to leap out and lash out… my own fears of inadequacies are twisting the hope and joy I have while serving you into this sour bundle of nerves and endless fatigue.

Lord, Father in heaven… I lift your name on high.  Thank you for loving me enough to grow me.  Thank you for trusting me enough to place me in positions of authority were lives are changed.  Thank you for knowing my limits.  Thank you for providing me strength and insight when I have none of my own.  Thank you, Jesus, for always being there… that I know I’m never alone. 

Take away my heart of bitterness, of fear, of anger, of helplessness.  Place in me a renewed heart of love, joy, peace… help my mind and spirit find rest and comfort in your presence.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Climbing my Mountain

Friday, Jan 18, 2013!

Wow... I've been writing little blog posts, but since they're not edited, I've not posted anything up!  *shock*

Here's one I wrote on Jan 6th...

There’s a song I used to listen to a long time ago call Salty the Singing Songbook. My mom bought this whole stash of cassette tapes (yes... I did say cassette tapes, not CDs!) and we'd all listen to the tapes over and over and over again while my dad drove the RV for our family's annual summer vacation.  No one could say these trips were short... we'd be sitting in the car for 3-5 days at a time, just to travel one way!  I remember these Salty cassette tapes, each an hour long, running through two, three, or sometimes even four times before we'd pull the tape out and change to _another_ Salty the Singing Songbook tape!  Wonder if the talking, high pitched children voices, or even the repetitive stories bothered my parents?  *smirk*  I remember loving it!

What started my reminiscing into the past? Well, just a couple days ago, one of my brothers sent a YouTube link of a video of Salty the Singing Songbook... ummmm, I didn't know that the tapes were based off the video.  *sheepish grin*  Playing the video online, it's sad to say, but I could mouth the songs and words as an echo of the cassette tapes from many years ago.

As I'm struggling with difficult decisions... questions on how and where to serve in ministry, tough choices in my own life, management of finances, overwhelmed by multiple committments... I hear this song:

One step at a Time… 

We only need to trust God for the strength 

To step up the mountain 

One step at a time

When something seems too hard to handle

Too hard to conquer 

Too far away to touch

When all your dreams begin to shatter 

And deep inside you

You’re hurting oh so much

That’s when it’s time to say

Climbing my mountain, step by step

Climbing my mountain, day by day

Climbing my mountain, all the way

Climbing my mountain, I’m going to make it

One step at a time (x3)

With Jesus by my side

One step at a time (x2)

I’m climbing my mountain 

One step at a time

Even though, you might grow weary

Don’t be discouraged

In our weakness God is strong

Remember this

He will never leave you

He won’t forsake you

He’s your strength and your song

I’m climbing my mountain 

One step at a time…

 

Where God leads

This is what I will do

Trust in God, one step at a time

To trust him for courage for boldness, for strength, for wisdom…

To pick me up when I stumble, when I make mistakes

In all the up coming craziness

God is good and I will trust in his promise and his goodness.

May you all be blessed and encouraged when you struggle through the tough times in life... to be at peace, to have abundant joy, to live in hope... Happy New Year!!!

Called to Serve?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I get an email asking if I want to help serve in our young adult fellowship, Transparent, as a small group leader.  My immediate internal response is "NO!"  I don't want more stuff on my plate... I'm having fun rockclimbing and socializing with friends from church, work and my neighborhood.  Really... I don't want any more responsibilities.  *tsk tsk*

As my finger twitches over the reply button, I freeze.  What's making me hesitate?  *deep sigh*  Well, I know that I want to serve God with my whole life... but I also know that I want time to myself.  I want my personal space.  I don't want to add on more responsibilities, time drains, mandatory meetings, long drives, crazy events and even more people time (I'm a total introvert, people time drains me!).  Why in the world would I ever want to step into Transparent leadership that honestly doesn't spark my interest?  But since I've been asked... I need to properly pray and ask God what he wants me to do.... where he wants me to serve.

Lord, if you want me to be small group leader in Transparent, please give me the heart for it.  I have the heart to serve you, God, but right now I don't really want to give up my time to serve in an area that will definitely wear on me.  Lord, but I know that when I follow you, impossibly great things happen. So before I go ahead and answer on my own, I want to ask you what you want for me to do.  Lord, if you want me to be a small group leader in Transparent, give me excitement for the task.  Give me a joy and a purpose in serving.  Give me direction, ideas, a goal to work towards.  Father, I've got until the end of this year to decide.  So please, before then, can you give me an answer?  I know that if you change my heart from where it is now, then you've clearly called me.  On the other hand, Lord, if I cannot find excitement and passion to become a small group leader, I will decline the honor of the position.

Thank you Lord, knowing that whatever comes in the future, it will be more than just good!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Running towards me, an excited youth cries out "Kristy, Kristy!  I hear that Noel's going to become a youth counselor again!  Does that mean you're coming back too?"

"Sorry," I reply, "God hasn't called me to rejoin Footprints as a youth counselor."  *sad face*

I love working alongside the kids and love working besides Noel... but every time I pray about if I should rejoin the youth team, I don't hear a positive answer from God, I don't feel anything extra besides my own wants.  I can't feel a specific goal or purpose to be in Footprints with the youth.  *sad sigh* I would love to work with the youth again... every Sunday, a spark lights up when I talk, laugh and play with them... I really miss it.  But where does God want me?  Serving and creating community at work, hanging out with girls at church, mentoring young adults... these are what I'm spending most of my time on.  I'm super busy, but something's still missing.  What is it?  *puzzled look*

I know that I want to serve in the church again... but where?  How?  In what way?  My vacation time is almost over.  *wry grin*

My heart is for the youth I've grown up alongside these past 5-6 years.  I'm sad that when so many youth go off to college, they come back feeling lost, the environment changes... new people are present and others are gone.  Upon coming back to church, the new young adults are encouraged to participate in the young adult group, Transparent.  However, many never make the transition from Footprints to Transparent.  Why?  The two groups are very different in culture, attitude, people.  It's scary and uninviting to step into a new world when feeling like this should be "home."  I want to bridge that gap!

Towards the goal of bridging the youth to young adult gap, Noel and I host monthly dinner parties with games at our home to help keep the local college students plugged-in with each other.  Recently, we've also started hosting random dinner and game parties at our home when the non-local college students return home.  To spice things up, Noel and I are planning a Nerf War & Dinner Party at church on December 29th with the purpose of melding youth and returning college students and young adults into an event hosted by multiple age groups.  *excited*

For the Nerf War & Dinner Party, I want to specifically create a place where talking isn't the primary event; instead, the primary focus of the night is teamwork, community, respect and physical interaction.  I crave for this upcoming large event to break down barriers of discomfort between people of different ages who may not know each other well.  I want to provide a common topic of conversation, a place of challenge and multiply opportunities for encouragement.  Then too, there's dinner.  Dinner's purpose is teamwork.  Everyone needs to help clean-up the Nerf equipment, organize tables and chairs and then make won tons and spring rolls.  The primary reason for these specific dinner foods is so that the people present can learn and teach each other how to cook (life-skill) while allowing for laughter and flexibility in the the end product.  Furthermore, everyone needs to work together in order to have a meal to eat... the other option is to go hungry.  Am I cruel or what?  *smirk*

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Last night: successful completion of the Nerf War & Dinner Party!

I "encouraged" everyone to help clean-up, even those who don't regularly come to our church and are invited as friends.  *wide grin*  I called people by name and pulled on sleeve after sleeve issuing specific tasks:  return all the tables and chairs to their original location, hunt down every Nerf ammo including checking closets and underneath furniture in a specific area, wiping dirty tables, washing dishes and wiping floors.  *evil grin*  After a very major and thorough clean-up, I hope everyone who participated in last night's activities will leave with a sense of accomplishment, fulfilled purpose, teamwork, laughter and new memories to share.  Hopefully in church today, people who just returned from distant colleges and participated in last night's event will have Nerf war stories to tell, excitement in meeting teammates and opponents, and most of all... everyone who took part in last night's activities will feel a diminished sense of discomfort in coming back to a place that is "supposed to be home" and yet...  has changed.

Ummmmm... the youth who graduate from high school also graduate from Footprints.  These future new young adults are offered the chance to join with the young adult group in Transparent; however, the gap in culture is too wide from one group to the next... very few make the transition and may eventually feel unwanted or lost.  I don't want that to happen!  This gap is where I am most passionate about bridging. 

So where can I go and what can I do? 

With Noel going to Footprints as a youth counselor, he will be the link into Footprints.  Where is the link into Transparent?  The only person I can think of to fill that roll is... maybe me?  If I participate in Transparent... I can change and prep the culture of the young adults in Transparent and the youth I currently interact with to meld the two groups together.  I want to make the transition from Footprints to Transparent more welcoming, less shocking... to create events with the intention of bridging two very different groups in a safe-feeling, natural format.  Will just being a small group leader do?  Will I eventually need to step into an even higher level of leadership?  *deep sigh* What am I getting myself into?  Where is God leading me this time?

Father God, I want to serve you... I want to grow the youth you've placed into my life (even ones who are now adults).  I want to create a place of belonging... a place of safety each one can return to to find peace, community, friendship, advice, laughter, support and hope.  Lord, wherever you call, I will follow.  Whatever it takes... my time, my life... I will go.  Lord, as you call... give me the wisdom, courage, energy, passion... everything I need and more... to follow you.  I will not do this on my own... may my choices and my passion follow your lead.  When the time and place is right, may you open doors, prepare the path and open my heart to accept it.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Annoying Allergy

Day 1: December 13, 2012

Rolling over, I blindly grab for my phone.  Turning off the annoying alarm, I start to wake up for work.... or at least I feel like I'm awake.  My eyes are open right?  Uhhhh... my throat is on fire.  Attempting to groan, my voice croaks out unintelligible sounds.  Is this a cold?  *puzzled*  My cold's usually start with a stuffy and/or runny nose.  What's going on?  Every breath feels like fire.   

Settling back in bed, I review my last couple of days:  

On Monday (or was it Tuesday?), one of my co-workers joked about my prior year's allergic reaction to alcohol, laughing about how bad my reaction was to the amount of alcohol in half a bite of candy.  I remember laughingly saying that if I ever wanted to take off work, I'd just sip a bit of alcohol or go steal someone's alcohol-filled cholocate.  

Yesterday (Wednesday).... nothing out of the ordinary happened.  *shrug*  The meals I ate for breakfast and lunch were homemade.  The snacks at work were See's Candy (I've never had any problems eating See's Candy).  I even take the time to check online.  Nope, no alcohol content in See's Candy!  For me, vanilla and almond extracts don't appear to cause any side effects.

Ummmm... After work, I did a little rockclimbing.  No problem there!  

For dinner, I met a friend and we ate at a Japanese restaurant.  The only foods we ate were udon soup and agedashi tofu.  I've had both these dishes before, just not at this restaurant.  Just in case, I hunt online for the ingredients.  Udon... No problem... This dish is just thick noodles in a yummy broth.  Kinda salty.  The tofu?  Fried and partially soaked in a light broth.  Let's see... Ingredients: water, seaweed, bonito flakes, soy sauce, Mirin.  Ohhhhh, what's Mirin?  Let's see... Mirin.... Ahhhh, it's a type of Japanese sweet rice wine.  Bingo... Close to half the sauce was made of Mirin... A light alcohol... But still alcohol.  *deep sigh*  Doesn't matter if the broth has been boiled, I still get sick.  Only alcohol that's been deep fried doesn't seem to cause any physical reactions.  So sad....

I look forward to the next couple of days of pure misery.  How many days?  I can't remember... 3 days... 4 days?  *shrug*  It's been a while since I last consumed anything with alcohol in it.

Day 2: December 14, 2012

In addition to all the first day's list of annoyances, today, I add to my list of misery: all joints ache.  As if that wasn't bad enough, my whole body hurts when I attempt to move... then starts the huffing and puffing as I get short of breath climbing 14 steps... then dizziness... *eyes swirling*

Gargling with salt water... I tiredly remind myself how critical today is.  If I'm not careful, this alcohol allergy will turn into a cold where my snot turns green instead of a thick clear-white color.  *shudder*  If I get a cold now, then this whole painful process will last even longer.  Nooooooooooo! I can't let that happen!  I wanna go rockclimbing, not bundled up weak in bed!  *sniffle*

Day 3: December 15, 2012

No more sore throat... Yay!!!  

Instead, my nose plugs up!  Struggling to breath through my mouth, I fight my lingering weakness, headache, and whole body soreness.  Panting... I can't breathe!  No matter how many times I blow my nose, air doesn't pass through!  Shallow breathes in and out through my mouth.  *bottled frustration*

Focus... Deep breaths... Minimize the cracking lips... Don't lick. Without energy, I stumble my way to the restroom for lip moisturizer.  Through trial and error these last few days... I've realized even with the use of lip balm, my lips dry and crack within 30 minutes.  With the use of petroleum jelly, same issue.  I pull out a tube of 100% lanolin and apply the thick unforgiving material to my lips.  Slowly, the warmth of my lips melt the lanolin. *relief*  Thickly coating the cracks and peeling skin on my lips, the pain temporarily fades away.  At most, this relief will last an hour until the battle starts again: do I move or do I continue to huddle in bed, minimizing the aches to my body, but multiplying the damage when my lips crack?

 

Determination.... More oxygen, deep breaths... Stretch out my lungs.  Why does breathing take so much effort?  Miserable, I curl up deeper under heavy blankets.

Day 4: December 16, 2012

Coughing, sneezing, fatigue.  Some of the ache fades away... But where is my strength? Grrrrrrrr....

Noel's not home right now.  Hungry, I go downstairs to microwave some leftovers and get myself something to drink.  So far, I've only gone downstairs twice: yesterday and today.  Scarfing food down (at least my throat doesn't hurt anymore), I heat up a hot pack to carry back upstairs. Crawling into bed, I fix the tousled sheets. Panting for air, I flop backwards.  Control. Deep breath in.  Now, slow breath out.  Repeat. Deep breath in, slow breath out. Don't struggle... I've gotta relax.  As is, today is already waayyyyyy better than yesterday!  Hurray!!!!

Day 6: December 18, 2012

Sooooo much better today!  I completed a full day's worth of work and didn't even need a nap when I got home!  My throat's a little dry and my nose is still a little stuffy... But overall, I'm so very happy to feel better.  No problems at work,  plenty of energy to cook and even sew tonight. Yay!!!!  Thank you Lord Jesus for my overall health. I can't wait to go rockclimbing tomorrow!  *Smirk* I don't stay down for long... Too boring!  *Wide grin*

Day 15: December 27, 2012

Lord Father God, thank you that this struggle with my alcohol allergy is completely over!  Well, actually, thank you that since Christmas Eve, no major issues!  I'm so happy to spend time with family and friends for Christmas these last couple of days with a fully functioning body!  Hurray!  Already, the memory of my struggles: the pain, the fatigue, the trouble breathing... almost gone!  *wide grin*  Good thing that I have a brain that doesn't dwell on the difficulties, but focuses on the blessings of my life.  Thank you, Father God, for uniquely creating me and helping me through various struggles... be it dealing with my body or my attitude or tough situations... to know that you, Lord, are always there for me... I need never fight in desperation alone.

Lord, thank you for sending your only son, Jesus Christ, born as fully man and fully God, celebrated each Christmas season, to die on the cross so that we can walk by your side.  Thank you, Father God, that the sacrifice of blood you require as payment for our separation from you (sin) is already paid through Christ's death and resurrection.  Thank you for the Holy Spirit, to guide me, teach me, correct me as I stumble blindly through my chaotic life.  Thank you, God, that you, three in one (Trinity) are one God, of one mind... that there is no difficulty knowing where I stand when I seek you.  Thank you for your promise of helping me overcoming impossible-seeming hurdles.  Thank you for the peace I find in you even in the worse of times.  Thank you for a life filled with harsh difficulties and the ability to march forward with my head held high.  Thank you for both the bad and all the good in my life as I am able to joyfully walk with you by my side.... a life filled with purpose, a life filled with meaning... never truly lost... never alone... a life filled with hope.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

May the Lord of all creation bless you and your family with peace and joy and hope even in the most difficult of situations... that your eyes will be open to the wonders of this world and the many many God-given blessings in your life.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Dec 26: Crazy dinner party of 12 people all cooking together at once!  Soooo FUN!!!  *drool*  Food's great too!   =D

Caught a Cold

Friday, November 14, 2012

Throat on fire, limbs weak, joints ache... Is this what it means to be sick?  Grrrrrrrrrrr...  I don't feel like doing anything today except be absolutely LAZY!  *Smirk* A thousand things I should or could do flitter through my head. Next comes the excuses: It's cold, I'm tired, my head aches and my mouth feels dry. *Wide grin* If only being sick felt good, I could be enjoying this time like a mini vacation!

Father God, thank you for this break... It sucks to feel weak and achy and irritable, but I also thank you for this break I have from my daily routine.  Now... Help me get better quick please!

In Jesus' name, amen.