Paintball Day

Saturday, July 27, 2013


Excitement
                                                   Anticipation
                       Anxiety

Jittery and bright-eyed, I jump out of bed. Today's finally the long-awaited paintball day!

Chill breeze
                                   Gray skies
                   Quiet...
                                                     Calm before the coming storm

What will today be like? It’ll be awesome because I believe that God provided this day to be exactly what it is!  Whatever comes about… today will be a day of blessings!

At the paintball field, set up starts: friends come early to help, Noel deals with the overall set-up and I assign groups. Last-minute waiver forms wave in my face. Money flashes by. Furiously scribbling notations and new updates… more friends come. Numbers flying, last-minute changes... Ahhhhhhhhhh. I give up! I don't have time to recalculate... I can't delay or we will start playing too late. Let’s pay up and get started!

Front desk:

16 rentals with 500 paintballs, 7 rentals with 1000 rounds of paint, 7 self-equipped... 3 of these are team admits.... Oops, make that 2 _more_ rentals with 500 rounds of paint. Oh, you don't have a gun? I lost count. There’s one person with no equipment, can I get another rental and I’ll count people later and let you know if we owe a rental fee.

Okay… how many want/need chest protectors? No, not everyone gets chest protectors, only girls and people who are really afraid of getting hurt. 14?  Do 14 of you _really_ need chest protectors?  Never mind.  Okay, can we get 14 chest protectors… here, can you hand these out? Oh yeah, a pod pack for each rental please… oh, you only have 14? Okay, we’ll take those 14 pod packs. Uhhhhhh, we're missing a bag of paint? *dripping sweat* Guess there was an uncounted for rental. I’ll pay for one more rental package with 500 paintballs please!

That’s all for rentals and equipment right? Okay, let’s get ready to play!  Santa Clara Paintball will provide orientation to safety, additional introduction by Noel and I regarding equipment usage, prayer, group picture (because I know I’ll forget later!), hand out bags of paint, meet and greet teammates, get to know your team coaches... let's go play!

Father in Heaven, thank you thank you THANK YOU so much for a fun-filled day of paintball: running, yelling, shooting, tension, excitement, teamwork, communication, learning, teaching, adrenaline, pain, full-out physical activity, sharpened senses, fear, bruises, joyfully bright smiles… so much life! Thank you, Father God, for the ability to grow together with friends, to meet new people… to experience your thousand-and-one blessings in unexpected ways.

Father, even as I got really antsy and irritable with the constant last-minute changes… Lord, you gave me peace and calmness of heart and the humility to apologize for my high-strung demands for waivers and money ASAP. *wide grin* Lord, even in the midst of all this event planning and execution, thank you for the peace of knowing that this is your event, under your protection and provision… and because of that, I’m able to be at peace when I acknowledge your power and your authority… to lean on you and not myself.

Lord, you provided us with personal equipment from Santa Clara Paintball staff as our own equipment broke down. You gave us wonderful coaches and lieutenants who actively invested in teaching beginners how to play and handle equipment, friends who came to watch assisted in driving people to our home for lunch... you provided time to take pictures, time to rest, plenty of water, snacks and food... so much and more!  Lord God, your abundance of blessings is again beyond any expectations… anything I could even have dreamed of on my part. Father, thank you for again showing me your power and your strength when I am weak… thank you for providing when I can’t… thank you for turning a crazy event into a manageable one… thank you for covering all aspects I didn’t plan for!

Thank you, Father God, for this opportunity to play paintball with a lot of friends right before my surgery!

Lord... I don't know what else to say except "thank you" over and over and over again!  Your love and your provisions and your attention to details is amazing!

So... In Jesus’ name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.

All the daring peeps who were able to make it out to play paintball today!

These are the captains and lieutenants who made this event possible (I'm in here too!)  =P  Thanks everyone!!!  Totally couldn't do this type of event without all of you present!  *big hugs*

The Ugliness Inside

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Lord, I just really really don't want to sit down and write... give me the words to help me process my feelings, my thoughts, my actions and my reactions.

Father God, part of me... well, most of me... really really doesn't want to be at this church retreat.  I'm so tired.  Can I just rest?  A church retreat is supposed to be a place to rest right?  But what does resting really mean?  Can I skip messages?  Can I not participate in small group?  Can I go hide and not talk to people?  I want to be alone... then why am I here?  Away from home, an uncomfortable bed, so-so food... why am I here and what is my purpose of coming to this retreat?  Was I forced?  No.  So what am I doing?  Part of me knows that every time I seek you, Lord, I am blessed: I get to learn new things about myself.  I get the opportunity to see you at work.  I get way more in return than if I hide in my comfortable hole.

So... how do I get there?  Hiding in my room gets me nowhere.  Staying silent in small group brings no return.  Stewing in my rebellion (right now, I'm skipping the church photo) doesn't accomplish anything but gain attention for not following the flow.  *sheepish grin*

As people walk past, they ask me "aren't you coming for the church photo?"

Feeling a little guilty, I state "Naw, I'm writing in my blog right now."  Seemly okay with my reply, most people continue on.  Walking back to my room, I gave the same reply... but a pair passing by actually paused and reconsidered their actions.  Oops!  For a split second, I freeze.  Oh no... not only am I ditching, my example encourages others to do the same.  Bad Kristy!!!  Such a hypocrite.  I encourage others to participate in the group picture but I myself refuse.  Stupid pride and stubbornness... I don't even know why I'm kicking up such a fuss... so much easier to just _go_, be a part of the picture, make people happy... then come back and sleep.

Noel and a group walk back stating they came back really quick because no one was there to take the photo.  As Noel quietly asks me "are you going?"  I continue to reply, "no... I want to rest."  Sadly, he walks out.

Inside of me, a fist clenches and I feel super guilty.  Hanging around my room, attempting to blog, I hesitate.  Pride.  Guilt.  Discomfort.  Sadness.  Is this what I wanted?  Is this my intention for this retreat... to cause dissension by my poor attitude? Is this how my weekend will go if I continue to stubbornly and pridefully go my own route?

What do I really want?  What kind of rest do I crave?  What do I really need?

*deep sigh*  Rushing out of my room, I head over to the photo location... a third of the way there, a mass of people are walking towards me.  Too late. Photo's done.  Regret.  Relief.  Discomfort.  Silly me... if I can't be happy doing what I think _I_ want... then what's the point in the first place?

I feel like a little child... throwing a tantrum and not knowing what I really want that will comfort me.... to satisfy this emptiness inside.

Doing things my own way really doesn't seem to accomplish anything... I'm just getting more tired!  What kind of rest is this?  Not much of one.  Somehow, looking back at my crazy activities... so long as I follow God, no matter how much energy and activity and work it may require... I feel way more happy and energized then than I do now.  This sucks.  My attitude sucks.  My pride sucks.  Grrrrrrr....

Father God... change my heart to serve you and listen to you... even when I don't want to.  Give me the attitude and the energy to be exactly what you want me to be and where you want me to be.  Change my heart, Lord, from this ugly selfish lazy girl to something more.  Transform my life so that I can rest in your arms and find peace while I actively participate in this retreat. Teach me, Father, how to rest and serve at the same time.  Guide me, Lord, in my choices, words, actions and reactions.  I don't like where I am.  I don't like what I am without you.  Father, I need you.  The many people who see me and my crazy activities and all-out serving... Lord, that's all you!  Me... I like to hide, do nothing, be selfish, and be totally asocial.  But honestly, I don't have fun living life my own way.  I have way more fun living with you and through you.  So Lord, I ask... continue to grow me to be more like  you.  Provide me your wisdom, your strength, your love for people, your heart.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

My birthday surprise!  =D

Dinner with my co-workers at Pacific Catch on July 18:  Waaayyyyyyy more than I can eat!  =O

Upcoming Surgery

Monday, July 8, 2013

Fearing the worst, wishing for the best... that's my mindset for today.  Well, what's so special about today?  I get told whether or not my chemotherapy worked on stabilizing or shrinking my tumors.  This way, I can finalize my plans for the near future.  I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time.

Outcome:  the chemotherapy didn't work.  My tumors are larger in size (the official CT report isn't in so I don't have numbers to offer).

Plan:  Surgery on August 1st at Stanford Hospital... hopefully first thing in the morning.

How do I feel now?  I'm not sure.  Relief that there's a plan set in place.  Excited that I get a vacation after surgery.  Fear of the unknown.  I'm attempting to delve into my own feelings but unable to grasp what emotions are present.  Actually, I feel more blank right now.  I don't have a clear sense of my own reaction to the upcoming surgery and failure of this most recent chemotherapy round.

I do know that as I talk about my upcoming surgery, I strongly lean towards the positives.  I slide quickly from announcing my CT result, to upcoming surgery and then dwell on the benefits after surgery... mainly that the upcoming 2 months of disability from work will result in free-time to play and that this just happens to link up with my planned vacation from work in October!

Looking at my words, I get a sense that the way I talk is a defense mechanism.  Gloss over the hard to talk about unknown and just focus on the practical and positive aspects.  I know that after surgery, there will be pain, recovery will be miserable and movement will be difficult... however, that's just part of any major surgery.  This time, the doctors will have to cut me open even wider to get to the back of my liver.  Lovely.  (sorry, my sarcasm is popping out)

Honestly, I'm not looking forward to the first 2 to 3 weeks right after surgery... from my memories of two prior abdominal surgeries... recovery is not fun.  In fact, initial recovery sucks!  Nausea, pain, constant ache, fatigue, slow and careful movements... every cough is painful, every shift of position in bed is agony.  Nope!  Totally not looking forward to early August.  *deep sigh*

So this is where I am, balancing between two worlds: one beautiful and filled with hope... the other is dark, a churning pit of despair.  So how do I deal with two widely differing emotions?  To prepare for the upcoming battle...  I pray and I sleep.

Lord God, I can change my future by the decisions I make and by the attitude I choose to take.  I am determined not to run away from facing whatever comes.  Instead, Father God, please give me your strength.  Give me hope that comes only from walking with you.  Let your light and all your blessings outshine any difficulties in the coming days.  Father in Heaven... yes, I am scared.  Give me the strength to take just one step forward.  Open my eyes to see your power at work.  Give me peace knowing that you are in full control.  Settle my heart.  Renew the purpose I have in this life... to live fully for you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

My Reason for Marriage

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

What Sunday continuing education course should I take?  Honestly, the main option is finance.  With the recent household budgeting and reallocation of finances,  Noel and I both feel that we have a fairly decent grasp regarding this subject.  So for Sunday classes after the sermon, what's left?  Well... the other option is a course on marriage.  To join this course, both Noel and I need to agree on participating.  Well, why not?  I'm sure there's always more to learn about our marriage... I don't know what that might be, but well, we've been married for close to 8 years now and I doubt we've experienced everything.  I'd rather learn where our weak spots are than to have a problem hit me in the head years later and go "how'd that happen?"

First question given as homework: why did I decide to get married?  What is my goal/purpose in being married?

Wow... so deep.   Honestly, I don't think I've ever so clearly taken the time to work out the answer to this particular question.

Kind of interesting.  Every large event I help host, each fellowship I participate in has a purpose, a goal to work towards.  Why not our marriage?  A life-long commitment with no purpose and no goal sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

So why did I get married?  What is my main reason?

Did I get married to always have someone there for me?  Did I get married to have a person to snuggle with or enjoy the physical benefits?  Did I get married because people expect me to?  Did I get married for security or to have kids?  Did I get married to change my life, have someone to grow old with or for the attention/excitement?

Ummmm... None of these reasons quite hit the spot.  I mean, none of these answers are wrong... these questions all contain reasons for why I got married.  But... what's my main reason?  Why did I choose to marry Noel?

In the Bible, Ephesians 5: 22-33 is a source of many heated conversations about the role of husbands and wives... this section states that the Biblical purpose of marriage is to reflect Jesus Christ's relationship with those of us who follow him.

How does this mesh with my primary requirement for a husband?  A man who demonstrates the ability and will to follow Jesus Christ above my own selfish desires... one who can be a leader and partner with me ... one that matches my personal life goal... to grow more in knowing and following Christ.

Even with Noel's weak areas and my own personality defects... in Noel and with Noel, I see the potential to learn more about this Jesus I follow, to have someone (who frequently rubs me the wrong way and I rub him the wrong way) support each other in becoming more than we individually are as followers of Christ.

Lofty goal huh?

However, in these past 8 years... I can definitely state that walking with Noel, fighting with Noel, meshing and sharing with Noel our different personalities, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants... that together, intentionally with Jesus Christ as the head, guide, and final decision-maker of our household... I have experienced and continue to experience an amazing, supportive, loving marriage that continues to meld two very different people into one.

I will continue this life-long journey... rough edges just starting to wear smooth... sharing a single committed focus with my best friend, my lover, my husband.

Father God, I again commit to staying married to Noel.  I want to have my marriage be a reflection of your commitment and your relationship to those who follow you.  I want this marriage with Noel to grow us as followers of Jesus Christ in ways we never could by ourselves.  I want this marriage to show me a world of you that I cannot attain by my own power, by my own will, by my own way.  May my marriage with Noel bring you glory.  May our struggles and hardships make your presence shine ever brighter.  May I continue to live with my goal and Noel's goal pointed in the same direction with you at the helm.

In Jesus' name I ask,  amen.

Noel gave me this photo printed on metal for my birthday!!!  God creates such beautiful colors!  <3 br="">

Rest... Again?!?

Friday, June 21, 2013

I grew up sipping alcohol.... a little here, a little there.  =D

As a kid, I made rice wine from scratch and drank it in a sweet rice wine soup with little colored mochi balls.  So yummy!  Around the house, there’d be bottles of concord grape wine I used to sneak a sip or two.  So sweet!  *wide grin*  Then during Christmas, my family got these little chocolates filled with different types of liquor… those were really fun to try!  In college, I loved sipping hard lemonade… lemonade with alcohol, one bottle would last me the whole night.  Didn’t really like anything else, but definitely have fond memories of foods and drinks with alcohol in it.

Now, I’m allergic to alcohol.  The responses I receive vary from disbelief to casual “oh, you get red in the face?”  I wish… if alcohol resulted in only a change in facial coloration, there would be no issue from my end.  Instead, I’m really REALLY allergic to alcohol (or something in it) that my body gets more and more sensitive to every year: super sore throat, hoarse voice, stuffed and runny nose, dizzy like my body can’t react to moving objects very well and tired… really really tired.  So far, this only lasts about 3-4 days before I’m back on my feet.  

If you want to kill me, give me a shot of alcohol.  *smirk*

Why do I mention this?  Well, starting last week Thursday (June 13), I started to get symptoms of what I thought was an alcohol allergy.

Thursday: onset of sore throat (warning warning!!!)

Friday: fatigue… so hard to focus, left work at lunch.  Canceled a pre-planned hangout and went to sleep.

Saturday: cancel planned paintball activity and slept all day.

Sunday: so tired!  Dragging myself through work… 3 patients took me the whole morning.  Couldn’t last so had to go home.  Sleeping again!

Monday:  went to work, coughing and super tired.  Left after only 3 hours with my voice going hoarse… no more energy, getting itchy… went home to sleep.

Tuesday:  couldn’t get up out of bed.  My most successful distance traveled: bed to couch!  Skipped my acupuncture appointment, couldn’t drive, really itchy!

Wednesday:  Back to work.  So hard to focus… left work halfway and went home to sleep. 

Thursday:  First full successful day at work!  That night, I was able to participate in the College Welcome-Back Night for our young adult Transparent fellowship.  Hurray!!!

Friday:  Coughing my way through work, no longer so dizzy… Yay!!!  Home to rest after successfully completing another 8 hours!!!  Done!!  Okay... time to sleep.

See a pattern yet?  =(

Father in Heaven, when you tell me to rest, I totally get slammed down.  I know chemotherapy can make a person tired, dizzy, weak… all that kind of bad stuff… but you’ve blessed me so much that except for a few instances of nausea and vomiting, you’ve given me the gift of being able to keep running forward.   

This past week, hitting a physical wall, I’m totally stunned!  I know rest is important and getting tired with not being able to work while on chemotherapy is partially expected… but somehow, I never felt that that would be me.  My intention during this chemotherapy trial is to work full time,  run on the paintball field, chase neighborhood kids… doing all kinds of crazy stuff.  From being super active to being completely immobile within a couple of days shocked me so much I kept thinking my fatigue and set of symptoms are from an unknown source of alcohol.

Nope... turns out I've hit my medication threshold.  My body is now not very happy with the chemo medication... too much of it in my system.  Actually, I should have expected this.  *sigh*  Every time I take a medicine for prolonged periods of time... I get some sort of physical reaction.  After a short rest period where my body can clear out the medication, I can restart the medicine without any symptoms until I again hit that invisible barrier.

Lord, you are truly amazing!  When I didn’t have the strength to work, you provided a schedule light enough my co-workers could carry my load and let me leave early.  When I wasn’t safe to drive, you allowed me to be so physically weak I couldn’t even consider making it to work… thereby enabling me not to get stuck at work unable to drive home.  Father, you even cleared and moved my weekend schedule in such a way that I could rest.  God, with my first full day at work yesterday, you enabled me to be present in the college welcome night… leading a game in a hoarse voice but still making it possible for me to talk… amazingly, as I served this whole Thursday night, you gave me enough energy that I didn’t feel super drained.  =O

Thank you, Lord God, for your abundantly crazy provisions!  Even the food you provide from so many families at church and Noel's family… Father, without that blessing, I don’t know what I would have done… this past week, I had absolutely no energy to cook, clean, and sometimes barely enough energy to brush my teeth.  So Lord, because of your constant provisions, I will always continue to sing your praises!   

This week, I got an early break from taking my chemo medication so my body can recover.  Supposedly, I restart my chemo meds next week.  I’m really scared.  If I’m this weak these past 8 days without chemo… what will happen to me when I restart?  *shrug*  Not in my hands.  I can't foresee the future so, Lord, I leave my future in your hands.  Plus, I've seen you open doors and provide in situations where an otherwise positive outcome didn't originally exist!

Father God, you’ve given me this life to live.  I will not shrink from living it.  You’ve led me into many situations I don’t like being in (like this whole cancer thing), but as I walk with you on this journey… to have you by my side… it’s all worth it.  You love me so you’ll grow me.  I trust you and want to return even a fraction of your blessings so that others can experience you too.  For that purpose… for the ability to experience more of you… please keep walking with me.  Keep letting me get into impossible situations that only you can get me out of!  You, O Lord, are so real in my life. Thank you for all these opportunities to know you more.

In Jesus’ name, I lift my Lord God’s name on high, amen.

Getting Through the Pain

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Pain... jagged and sharp.  Spiking and rolling, my stomach muscles spasm as I attempt to curl into a ball.  Touching my abdomen, my stomach cramps up so tight I want to scream.  Slowly, I can feel my internal organs shift with gravity as I attempt to roll onto my back.  Spikes of red flash behind my eyes.  I can't think.  I can't move.  Frozen.  Fearful of moving my body, I allow myself to mentally squirm, trying to find some relief.  Wave after unending wave of pain... when will this stop?

Panting with short shallow breaths, I consider calling an ambulance.  Besides me, Noel is coughing in his sleep, each cough shakes the bed and sends sharp spiking waves of pain through my body.  Deep breaths... come on, Kristy... I know better than to take shallow breaths while in pain!  In through my nose, breathe out through pursed lips... the increase in movement causes more internal muscle spasms.  With each breath, my mind gains clarity... even as I cringe in pain, I am able to imagine that with each breath, I soar like a bird above the earth, above the clouds, out of my body.  Control.  Don't move, just breathe.

I can no longer remember how long I remained in my immobile state, definitely long enough for my side to get sore.  As jagged spikes of pain ripple through my abdomen, I tell myself to move!  Nothing happens.  Finally, I convince my body to roll an inch towards by back.  Sharp waves of pain pierce through me.  Again I freeze.  Breathe... I'm going to throw up.  Nice how not wanting to throw up in bed motivates me to ignore any pain and MOVE.  *smirk*

Rinsing my mouth, I take a sip of the cold refreshing liquid.  Bad idea.  My stomach spasms so hard I fold over.  I can't see.  I can't think.

Again, breathe.

Lost in my sightless world of anguish, I wait for my body to warm up the cold water and calm down the internal spasms.  Great, my body's not settling. 

Rolling waves of pain... I can't massage it out, I tried.  I can't stretch out my stomach muscles to counter the spasms, I tried that too.  There's no way to stop the spasming!  I even tried warm water but my body immediately rebels.  If I can't take in water, I don't dare take any pain meds for fear of increasing my pain.  My body is constantly working to expel no-longer existing food particles.  I need to stop this cycle of spasming, pain, and reaction to both internal and external movement.

Fine.  What's really small and requires minimal water?  My super tiny anti-nausea medicine!  I crawl to the cabinet and grab my little quarter piece... will this be enough?  Half and hour later, I vomit out bile and probably the medicine.  Dare I try another piece?  This is where the hospital comes in handy... if I were there, I can receive IV medications that will instantly remove the pain and give me rest... I just need something to break this cycle.  Movement, pressure, warm water, immobility, throwing up... nothing works!  I have liquid capsules of Advil, but I don't dare drink enough water to take it and the taste of the fluid inside a popped capsule will likely make me regurgitate the medicine fairly quickly.  Useless... about 12 hours of constant, unending pain.  I don't want to go to the hospital so I'll try taking one full small pill of my anti-nausea medicine.  I think I can manage the resulting pain.  Anything to stop this endless misery.  If my body stops wanting to throw up, I believe that the spasms will stop.

Lord Father, thank you for getting me through these past 12 hours.  Crying out to you while I'm in pain, you give me the ability to think even in my mindlessness.  You made me breathe.  You gave me the ability to rise above my pain.  You reminded me that I have medicine I _can_ take.  Poor Noel even moved to sleep on the couch so his coughing wouldn't spike my pain.

Thank you, Lord, for placing my body at rest now... my whole abdomen is tender, but the internal muscles are no longer cramping every couple of seconds.  Thank you, Lord, that in my whole life, I have never felt this severity and duration of pain and nausea.  Can I never experience this again please?  *hopeful look*  Feeling like my body was tearing itself up from the inside... one time is more than enough isn't it?  Thank you for giving me an idea of what pain my body can tolerate and a glimpse of what others may have to go through for a lifetime... but my pain, you took away.  Thank you that Noel stayed home to take care of me... if he didn't, I wasn't sure if I could get up to move or drink.  Even walking, each step gingerly taken, my abdomen still cramps in complaint.

Father, I'm tired.  Give me rest so that I can serve you, fully re-energized, once again.  Our young adult fellowship has a free car wash event this Saturday... can you heal me so I can participate?

Thank you, Lord, that even though I work at a hospital... this time, you kept me out of it.  *wide grin*

In Jesus' name I thank you, Father God, amen.


Saturday, June 1, 2013

Father God, thank you for answering my prayers!!!  Even though I woke up super tired and a little achy, you still settled my body enough for me to come to church. 

As I started serving, you took away all remnants of fatigue and achiness.  I didn't need to walk gingerly.  In fact, you healed me so that I could run, jump off the back of a truck, squat low to wash the bottom bumper of cars and stretch up to wash up high.  YAY!!!

Lord, thank you that I can see you at work so clearly when you call and I follow!  Thank you for taking away all after-effects of Thursdays cramping.  This week was supposed to be my week of rest from chemo.  I didn't expect any symptom, especially since I haven't taken any anti-nausea meds these past couple weeks.  I'm scared to restart the chemo... but Lord, whatever you want out of my life, you'll provide the strength and wisdom for me to make it through.  So, thank you for the reminder to not stop praying.  I got complacent this week and unimaginable pain resulted.  So yup... you bet I'll refocus on praying!  *wide grin*

Thank you, Father, for being a God who listens and answers prayers!  In Jesus' name I lift your name in praise, amen.

Bonnie and I at the car wash event!  YAY!!!

What If?...

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Sometimes, I wonder "what if?"

Gut-wrenching, immobilizing, breath-taking fear taking on a life of its own.  When I am truly afraid, my mind goes blank... my thoughts spiral into despair... I freeze.  Worst-case scenarios flash through my head... loss of touch, inability to eat, inability to move... these situations I consider worse than death.

What if I get so weak I can't run?  What if my digestive system gets so messed up by the cancer and chemo that I'll have to be on a strict diet?  What about tube feeding?  What happens if my eyesight gets messed up and I can't work, can't drive, can't play paintball?  What if, what if, what if.... so many horrible potentials.

On the other hand, being alive, really _living_... this, I consider the most scary.  An unknown future with no guarantee how painful or how good it will be.  And yet, I feel driven to live!  All the potential scary situations pale in comparison to seeing my living God at work: crazy miracles, peace in times of supposed despair, impossible coincidences linking themselves one after the other, prayers answered... I want to see the power of God in action.  God _is_ my guarantee.

To give up and not fight, that is not an option.  How far will I go?  I'll never know until I try.  I'm greedy.  I want to see what God will do in my life.  I want to see this living God that I believe in perform the impossible.  I want many things... but to gain all these things, I need to live for Christ and I need to live in Christ... I need to fight against despair, against fear, against myself.

If I am unwilling to make plans, I'm stuck in limbo... middle of nowhere with no direction. Frozen.  That's useless!  There is so much I want to do this year alone: host an advanced paintball event, host an all-welcome-to-come paintball event, go to Hawaii with my entire family, try archery, learn to ride a motorcycle, play paintball with focus on improving my running speed, shooting accuracy, shorten my time hiding behind bunkers to gain a more successful attack!  =D  I want to do so much!

I acknowledge that I have limited control over my fondest dreams and wildest fears... so about my future, I give all of it up to God.  I hand my life over to the only one who does know my future, my dreams, my fears.... my true capabilities.

Whatever befalls me, so long as I trust in God, knowing God has a plan for me and that I'm walking it... I have purpose, direction, hope.  God will provide the rest of what I need... I must be willing to go forward.  Where will life take me?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to living.  Doesn't matter if life is hard, life is unfair, life sucks... I only have this one life to live.  How I chose to think about my circumstances, how I chose to view my potential future and my past will determine the quality of this life.  When I die, I want to look back and say I didn't waste my time, my heart, my opportunities to live for Christ Jesus, to serve, to grow... how far will I get?  I plan to keep my gaze fixed on God and on the future he wants me to live.  If I run forward, fall, crawl... no matter how broken this life and my body can become... so long as I keep moving, I continue to live.  I have hope.

Thank you God for your power and the safety I find if you.  Jesus, it's because I know you came to earth and sacrificed yourself for me that I know I'm loved, wanted, given a purpose, given a future.  I feel like a little kid tethered by one of those backpack leashes.  I carry a burden on my back, different from any other person's and you let me run around and explore.  Father, you keep moving and I get to move with you... what an honor.  I can run, fall, but you are always there watching me, ready to provide a helping hand or to carry me when I'm tired.  Thank you, Lord God for being my source of peace and my source of comfort.

I close my eyes and imagine myself as a leaf floating on the water... a pebble tossed in my direction rocks me, a breeze pushes me around, a nearby wave tosses me about... in all this, Lord, you're like an endless deep bed of water I'm resting in... deep and calm in your depth, my protection and my savior... if I sink, you'll lift me up... in you, I can never drown.  Let me rest in the comfort of your arms, continue to give me strength, purpose, hope and joy as you carry me.  I don't know where I'm going, but you've got a place for me to be.  Thank you, Lord God, for the comfort you provide... I'm really spoiled.  With you by my side, I can go anywhere and do anything... so much freedom when I know that I can always run back to you.

Thank you Lord that I finished 3 weeks of my oral chemo treatment and that this week, I get 7 days of rest!  YAY!!!  I'm so excited!!!  Lord, you let me see how badly my body can react to the chemotherapy medication the first week with nausea, vomiting, fatigue... then you turn around and show me how good you can be!

Many people are praying for me.

I believe that because of everyone's prayers, you've chosen to take away any symptoms of nausea.  Hurray!!!  Since that first week, I haven't even taken any anti-nausea medicine!  *wide grin*  Even though I get sleepy a lot, you've shown me that I can still play paintball, celebrate my youngest brother's graduation from college, hang out with friends!  Father, you even provide so abundantly the food from families at church so that Noel and I don't have to stress about our food budget, what to cook, when and how... God, you provide above and beyond what Noel and I can even provide for ourselves.  Father God, out of your generosity through friends and family, we can bless even more people.  Seeing you in action as you provide over and over again, Lord, you are amazing and I can't wait to see how many more blessings you have in store!

In Jesus' name I praise my Father in Heaven, amen.

May 18 Paintball

Youngest brother's graduation!!!  =D  Tallest to shortest.  =O