Not quite myself...

Last Wednesday after the doctor's appointment, I was so excited and happy and energetic!  Hurray!!!  To myself... I boasted that regardless of being anemic... I didn't feel tired at all!  *smirk*  Hmmm... how long will that last? Not long.  *sigh*

Starting the very next day, I felt drained, tired... not quite myself.  My driving is sloppy and slow mixed with being aggressive at the wrong points in time... I'm sleeping a lot more (tired even with taking naps!)... I'm zoning out really easily... something's not quite right.  Is this the person I really am?  I can feel my thoughts balancing on the edge of irritability, fatigue, and nothingness. What's wrong with me?  When I laugh and smile, I feel distanced from my body... like I'm not quite all there.  My focus isn't all there either when I talk to my patients... what are they saying again?  *shudder*

Is this what the doctors meant when they said my hormones would be out of balance?  Or am I just PMSing?  Is my slow achy-numb body finally wearing on me?  *smirk* I know I go through my irritable phases... but those phases usually last a couple days (I think).  Grrrrrrr.... I don't like the way I am right now... it takes more energy to be positive and I can't seem to keep a smile, even when things are funny.  Is this what people call depression?  Maybe... but I don't like it and I'm not going to allow myself to wallow in it.  I don't wanna be in a hole... once down there, I'll have an even harder time climbing out!  *determined look*

Thank you, Lord God, for providing me the insight to see a little bit of where I am and where my emotions are headed.  Thank you that you have provided so much encouragement and support!  When I read the emails and the cards people have written, I gain back a little more of who I am... I am confident that if I falter, others will carry me.  Thank you, Father God, that my strength is not in myself alone, but the family and friends you have provided for me.  

Lord, please steady my spirit.  I feel lost and adrift... please anchor me to reality and don't let me swirl in doubt!  Show me how to regain my normal cheerfulness and positive attitude... not something fake... but one anchored on your hope, your peace, and your joy.  As I struggle, Lord, please give me strength and wisdom to keep my eyes fixed on you. Please guard my mouth and attitude from outbursts that may hurt others. Please help me focus so that I can continue to show your love and care to the people around me... Lord, I feel like I'm drowning and can't get proper control of myself.  Help me to be strong, to show the effects of your presence in my life, and please help me to get rest!  I'm so tired sometimes, but can't sleep well or don't feel well-rested even after I sleep... Father in heaven... give me the strength to place one foot in front of the other... to keep walking forward... to honor you even as I struggle.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.