Internal struggles regarding paintball

Sometimes I think I'm crazy... other times... perfectly sane.  *smirk*

My personal goal is to do all the activities I used to do, but to do them all while getting chemotherapy:  rockclimbing, paintball, weekly youth group events, work my full schedule, hang out with friends and family, continue the once-a-month dinner and games night for college students/young adults at my home and occasionally exercise (rare).

So far, by God's strength and blessing, I've accomplished all my set goals and will continue to do so... except I haven't played paintball yet.  Well, this coming Saturday, I'm planning on playing paintball with some friends.  Hurray!!!  =D  *super excited* 

Part of me is itching to play paintball.  After watching friends play 2 weeks ago... I'm drooling every time I consider stepping out on the paintball field.  *wry grin*  However, there's the other part of me that doubts I can play.  The bruising and scrapes and physical injuries... who cares?  I wouldn't play paintball if that was my concern.  Instead, my fear is that when I step onto the paintball field... I won't be able to sprint, slide, crawl, crouch... my legs ache when I squat ONCE, feeling as if I pushed myself to my physical limits... then I do a couple more squats and my muscles burn so much I feel as if I'm on fire and my body will collapse.  How in the world am I going to play paintball in this condition???  *tsk tsk*  I feel so weak... my body feels kinda useless, but at the same time, I know I can push through the sensations my body throws at me... or maybe that's just wishful thinking?

I try a short sprint and then crouch.... my thighs burn, my throat aches, and my head hurts.  If my body remains like this... I won't make it through a single game!  *pitiful sigh*  Why in the world do I still want to play paintball?  Because paintball is super FUN!!!  Maybe I'm trying to show off or I'm testing my physical limits or just blindly so stubborn that I want to complete my personal chemo goals.  *shrug*  Whatever the reason... be it stupidity, stubbornness, pride, or a thirst for adventure... I'll make it to the paintball field and see what happens.

I'm excited and I'm scared!  I'd look pretty stupid running half a field just to fall flat on my face from fatigue.  I'd look really stupid fumbling my gear with partially numb fingers.  I know that when I play paintball this weekend, I'm going to push my body to the limits, deal with shortness of breath, fight fatigue, struggle to focus through a ragging headache... for what?  For my goals and maybe some glory kills... but mostly because I feel so alive when I struggle and when I hurt because these things tell me I'm still alive.

If I can play paintball, I can hope for a stronger and more capable body in the future when chemo ends.  Who knows where God will lead me... so for now... I will stubbornly plow ahead with my goals until God tells me to stop.  *wry grin*

Father God, I've asked you for the opportunity to play paintball and at the same time, be able to honor my doctors in regards to their concern for my body's diminished healing capabilities during my chemo treatments.  Thank you for providing this break from chemo where I can play paintball.  I did tell my doctors that I'm playing this weekend... besides looking at me like I was crazy, they didn't say I couldn't go play.  *wide grin*

Lord, I asked you for permission to play paintball and have not yet heard you tell me to stop... so Father, give me the strength, focus, balance, instinct, and endurance to play paintball this weekend.  Please bless me and every person I play with/against with a day of fun, laughter, and joy.  Please ease my fears and open my ears to hear you, Lord, so that if you ever tell me to stop, I will listen and obey.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.