Burnout & Renewal

Friday, March 16, 2012

These past few days were really really tough for me.  Physically, my body still doesn't sleep well through the night (I keep waking up when I never used to) and daylight savings really messed up my sense of time!  *groan*  Constantly tired, I had difficulty efficiently completing my workload, being compassionate to my patients, and understanding the conversations of the people around me.  Smiling took a lot of effort, being present in a conversation took all my focus (not even sure if I was sucessful or not), and the rain... I just felt cold, tired, miserable, and super super grouchy!  I felt myself drowning in a sea of apathy, inefficiency, cynicism, and irritability.

Mentally, I felt as if I barely teetered on the edge of sanity.  Instead of my usual ability to make decisions and move on, my brain continued to cycle through each issue as if no decision was ever made... I'd review the same thought over and over again, each time with a more negative outlook.  

For example, last week I carpooled with my neighbor to work.  This is something I've always dreamed about doing and prayed that I'd get a chance to try!  Up until this point... no one's ever had a schedule or route close enough for me to try carpooling.  The first trial morning, my neighbor friend drives me to work... oh so relaxing!  *wide grin* Another morning, I drive him to work (I'm embarrassed to say that I almost missed some turns to get to his work, autopilot kept directing me to my workplace).  *wry grin* However, even though I enjoyed the experience, how come I didn't feel excited?  Why did I keep worrying that my schedule didn't match with my neighbor's and that I was a bother to him?  I know he'd tell me if things didn't work out... and yet, my mind continued to replay negative outcomes.  What if I forgot to pick him up after work and left him behind?  What if I said I'd carpool and then forgot? What if he doesn't really want to carpool but is stuck just because the offer is there?  What if...what if... what if...   Ahhhhhhh... overload of thoughts and emotions!  I'm over-thinking the situation and adding more and more negative potential issues... I get increasingly more grouchy since I can't make a clear rational decision, frustrated that I'm cycling the same concerns, and increasingly irritable at my own confusion.  (Thank you neighbor friend for providing the space for me to not commit at this point in time.)

On edge, I wanted to lash out physically... verbally... some way to rid myself of this internal strain.  Irrationally, I wanted to yell, scream, punch something... to do anything to restabilize myself!  So close to breaking... constantly seeking fault, barely able to seal my mouth shut from speaking irretrievable words, skirting the edge of producing a pleasant facade, holding close the doors to my personal demon (a part of myself I hate to acknowledge exists...  part of how I used to be before accepting Jesus Christ as my lord, savior, and redeemer).  Part of me selfishly cares for nothing and no one but acting out how I feel with no restraint. I'm tortured by feelings of unfettered anger. Lost in a swirl of irrational emotions. In pain at the inability to find myself. I am so alone... trapped in the maze of my own mind.

Father God, I'm so at the edge of my strength to appear human... to be civil. This anger is tearing at my sanity.  Please give me your strength, wisdom, and love for others to compensate for my lack.  By myself, I'm so broken right now that I can barely function!  

Lord Father, show me your love.  Heal my pain.  Free me from my anger.  Be my shield.  I'm drowning... Father God, I can scarcely place one foot in front of the other much less deal with a full load of patients non-stop... I can't do this alone!  Tonight, I still have to push through and participate in youth ministry that will lead directly into a girls' sleepover and then a hangout in Dublin.  There's still more than 24-hours of commitment... I'm so tired... Lord, I don't want to do anything anymore!  Can I just sleep?  Can I rest now?  *pleading*  I know that you've specifically called me to this evening and tomorrow's commitments... can I skip just this once?  I'm so tired... can I quit?  *crying*

Father in heaven... I have nothing left to give!  I'm so empty... barely in control.  You've gotta be my strength, my reason, my everything right now. Without you, I'll either drop screaming in a corner or flop unresponsively where I stand.

This night, with God's strength, I choose to honor my commitment as I am called to serve.  Step by step, I go home, shower, eat dinner, pack my overnight gear, drop my car off at the overnight location, then finally to church for the weekly Friday night youth ministry.  Somehow, I no longer feel the pain, irrational anger, nor the onslaught of uncontrollable emotions. Instead, I'm at peace.  How wonderful a blessing is the gift of peace, joy, and hope that my God gives... such an impossible feeling after the earlier desperate reach towards sanity.  

Thank you, Father, that you can renew me without sleep, without me hiding in a corner reading a book... that you can completely heal me of my inner turmoil.  Thank you, Lord God, for carrying me when I couldn't walk... for providing strength when I had none... for loving me when I'm so ugly inside... for showing your power to renew me when I chose to glorify you and serve as you've called.

Lord, please teach me to serve others without burning out.  Give me wisdom to organize my schedule so that I can refresh myself in your presence, instead of serving out of emptiness.  Lord, protect me from my internal demons.  I see the ugliness inside of me and am disgusted.  But, Father, you still love me... you created me and call me your daughter, beloved, masterpiece.  Help me to live my life in a way that brings you glory and honor.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.