Paintball =D

Saturday morning, March 3, 2012

Before this day... I was so nervous!  Even though I tried not to, in the back of my head, I wondered if paintballing was a good idea.  The doctors didn't think I'd have the energy to play, the chemo nurses stated that the chemo meds would make me bleed more because my platelet count would be low, and myself... I even doubted I'd be able to carry my equipment and run around for a couple hours.  *smirk* 

On Saturday morning, woke up to a chilly room, but outside... bright and sunny!  With determination, I don my gear: padded shorts, padded vest, knee/shin/elbow pads, paintball pants, Uprising jersey, neck guard, sunblock and bandana to my head (prevent sunburn)... gather my gloves, cleats, mask, guns...  ready as I'll ever be I guess.  *nervous and excited*

At the field, beautiful weather, playing areas of the field were dry with no puddles from the recent rain, and people in team jerseys!!!  Yay!!!  Maybe we can play with them?  Can I even move well enough to play on that level? Feelings of doubt and insecurity flood through me.

Okay, time to distract myself... let's go buy paint, load the paint into my equipment, chrono (calibrate the speed of my paintball guns), and finish donning my gear.  Now I'll be as ready to play as I'll ever be!  

Stretching out, I feel super tight and again my muscles burn (I'm learning that this burning pain is part of my neuropathy... nerve damage)... so these sensations don't count... I've just gotta muscle through and hope things'll get better once I play!

Starting out, there's no one to play with except the intermediates.  I cover Noel as he plays snake.  Yelling at him, I call "POISON,"  meaning someone's on the other side of his bunker. Noel doesn't hear me.  Frustrated, I attempt to stream paint to cover him and pin the opponent in place.  Next thing I know, Noel's out.  Bummer... Noel totally could've shot that guy!  Oops!!!  This is intermediate play... hehehheee...  *sheepish grin* Being that close, Noel should've surrendered the opponent... something we both forgot since we're used to playing advanced.  *wince*  Guess it's a good thing Noel didn't hear me... else he'd have shot the guy close up.  Yikes... not safe to play all out, gotta remember restraint!  =O

I started this morning with my shocker.  I love this gun because it's quiet and shoots so smooth like butter... when it works.  *sigh*  This gun worked like a dream the first game... by the second game... started chomping the paintballs and drooling paint.  Disappointed, I switch to my trusty Ego 7... doesn't ever break down, doesn't cause problems, but clunks loudly with every shot. Dependable... that's my Ego 7... at least, using this gun, I can play all day and not worry about my equipment being the cause of my problems.  Instead, my limiting factor now becomes just me and my body that feels stiff, achy, weak, and out of breath.  *grimace*

Today, I really notice the impaired sensation in my feet!  I'm so used to walking at work or home that I don't trip... but here at the paintball field, the ground is uneven and I'm stumbling everywhere I go!  God, please don't let me fall flat on my face when I play paintball!!!  *hopeful look* I've still got appearances to keep as the only girl playing today in a team jersey.  Falling is NOT on my list of stuff to accomplish!  

Regardless of how I feel... I want to look alive, energetic, steady... not sickly or tired... partially because I don't want looks of pity, but also because if I portray myself as a normal person, I'll feel normal.  If I allow myself to look unsteady, abnormally short of breath, drained... then I'll start to feel like how I allow myself to look.  Not happening if I can help it!  I'm determined to make full use of today!  I don't want to be babied, or treated like an invalid on the paintball field... my goal is to show that I'm equal to anyone out there regardless of my chemo treatments.  

Silly?  Stubborn?  Yeah... but this is part of what keeps me so positive and moving so strongly forward as I make my way through the chemotherapy treatments.  The word "impossible" will not be allowed in my vocabulary... I rather be thought of as crazily stupid and enjoy life than to be safe, weak, and sad crying in a corner.  I will not allow myself to be pinned down... I can't!  If I ever stop moving forward, I'm afraid that I'll never get up and move again... I can't loose my momentum... I can't loose myself.  Sometimes, I feel as if I'm barely holding on to this semblance of a normal life by a thin thread... when and if I loose this part of myself... where will I be?

Lord Father, I cry when I think about how bad things can get... and I praise your name that I'm as capable, energetic, and alive as I am now.  If things get worse and my body breaks down, I trust that what I go through won't be more than I can handle.  You've proven to me over and over again your love for me, that even when things get bad, you, God, always have the best planned for me and those around me.  I willingly give my entire being into your hands.  

Lord, when I offered to give my life to follow you all those years ago... I meant it and I place my life/future into your hands.  If the pain/aches, weakness, fatigue, shortness of breath, loss of hair... if all this is ony the start of more to come... then so be it.  Lord, for you, I live this life and am blessed with more beyond my dreams.  I don't need money, riches, security... That'd be totally nice, but I can see you so much clearer in the times of challenges and hardship. So even if things get bad, I know that I'll continue to enjoy your blessings in new ways and I don't want to give that up! Already, I am blessed with getting to know people on a different level... I am shown many ways that I am loved, supported, and cared for... I have the opportunity to understand some of the difficulties my patients go through as I go through similar physical disabilities and learn how to treat my own symptoms.

Thank you Lord Father for this day of paintball.  Thank you that I played most of my paintball games on the advance level with the jersied team present, at a level that didn't push me to my physical limits, and yet, allowed me to fully enjoy and challenge myself without being a hinderance to the people I played with.  Thank you for this opportunity of fun during my break in chemotherapy treatments! Thank you, God, for protecting me so that I only got one large bruise on my left arm, a bump on my head, and 2 almost unnoticeable marks on my legs. *Wide grin*

Lord, I continue to dedicate my life into your hands and eagerly anticipate, with hope, the future you have called me to live.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.