Therapy Making GF Vegan Wonton Wrappers

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Finger tips burning.  Palms tingle.  Everything kinda feels numb.  How far does my neuropathy go?  Up my wrist?  Forearm?  So hard to distinguish what's "normal" anymore.  All I know is that my sense of touch is skewed. Most objects I touch have a sort of soft feel.  My cats, even the one with rougher fur... her fur feels like the softest and fluffiest pelt in the world.

My feet also ache... well, ache isn't quite the right description.   Bruised?  The blankets press my feet into the mattress.  Rolling my feet first right, then left, right again.   Arghhhh.  No matter how I shift my feet, I cant escape the sensation of discomfort.  I give up.  I throw the blankets off.  Cold air hits bare feet.  Whatevers.  I'm going to ignore all the weird signals from my hands and feet!

Tossing my legs over the side of my bed, I slide into standing.  Youch!  What in the world?!?  Do I have blisters or something on the bottom of my feet? Did I somehow burn my feet using the hot water bottle while keeping warm? Bending forward, I grab my ankle.  Flexing my knee, I flip my left foot up to check bottom sole of my foot.  Nothing there.  No redness.  No blisters.  What's going on?  Right foot?  Left foot?  Nothing there but normal pale pink skin and dry crackly-looking heels.  There's nothing on my feet!

Tentatively, I place both feet on the ground.  Stubbornly, I press my feet even harder into the ground.  I am not going to label this feeling as "pain."  Mentally, the labeling of "pain" may limit my actions.  Ummmm... Ignore, ignore.  The more pressure I place on both feet, the stronger this unpleasant "sensation" is. 

I'll never get anything done today if I dwell on the dysfunctions of my body. Ignore.  Absolutely _nothing_ is different from usual.  Get up.  Move!

Reaching out, I grab a pair of fluffy brown socks.  Keeping my feet warm may intensify the annoying signals running through damaged nerve endings... But the more circulation I can maintain, the higher the probability of my body healing.  I'll do anything to maximize recovery to my nerves!  Short-term discomfort, no matter how annoying, is worth the effort!  Plus... additional benefit: desensitization.  Try poking at the same spot, the body stops taking note of the repetitive sensations.  I'll just have to trust that in my case, avoiding discomfort is not to my benefit!

Keep warm.  Keep moving. Stay hydrated to flush out chemicals in my body. Wear soft slippers to distribute pressure and minimize discomfort.  What else?  Ummmmm, massage to increase circulation.  Done!  I'll do this all day, everyday... well, I'm not very disciplined.  *wry grin*  I will do my best to perform the above actions everyday. 

Just in case, I'll write an e-mail to my oncologist: "Besides medication, are there any other ways to manage the new onset of burning and tingling in my hands and feet?"

"I can write you a prescription for Neurontin.  It'll take 2 weeks to become effective."

Ummmmm...  *deep sigh*  I really don't want more medications.  I _hate_ taking meds.  If I mask the current discomforting nerve signals to my brain, how will I know if my nervous system is getting more damaged or is improving?  I'd rather use these annoying physical cues to my advantage... to remind me to take optimal care of my body.  No pain no gain right?  *wink*

Father God, thank you for giving me a high pain tolerance!  Each step I take, literally take, I am reminded of your goodness. I have hands. I have feet. Even though my body doesn't function quite like I want, what I do have still works... well, my body works well enough.  Gotta take and keep every bit I can right?

Lord, thank you for my mind.  Thank you that part of me thrives on challenges. Thank you for my therapist background that allows me to constantly analyze my situation, my actions, my reactions. Thank you for giving me the stubborn determination to continue pushing ever forward.

Father, today, Aleesha, will come over.  Help me to by-pass the pain and the fatigue so that I can enjoy my time with her.  Our plan is to make wontons, even the wrapper.  Father God, help us make these wrappers thin so the wontons won't be tough or doughy or thick.  Everywhere I look online, I either see gluten-free wonton wrapper recipes with an egg to bind the mix together or vegan wonton wrapper recipes using normal flour so the gluten performs the binding. Today, Father God, help us successfully create a gluten-free and vegan wonton wrapper that is super thin and tasty!  Give me wisdom, patience and the correct touch to make these wontons!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Okay!  Let's start!

Ummmmm... Binders to replace the gluten are products like applesauce -too runny... Oil - how in the world is that supposed to hold the dough mixture together?... Flaxseed meal in water -cold water in most recipes makes this mixture slowly congeal, but sometimes, the mixture is too wet.  Then how about flaxseed meal in hot water?  Maybe this mix will be more solid?  Wow... flaxseed meal in hot water congeals fast!  Kinda looks gross though.  *shrug*

Hmmmm... If time is needed for the flaxseed-in-water mixture to congeal... Does that mean everytime I break these bonds with mixing, I'll have to let time pass so the sticky bonds can reconnect?  Theoretically sounds right I think... So long as the binding or thickening reaction is not a one-time deal. *fingers crossed*  This better work!  I refuse to give in and use an egg.  Absolutely refuse!

Next, I bought some gluten-free all-purpose flour online from www.Julesglutenfree.com.  I want to try the commercially sold premixed flours first.  My goal is to get an idea of the potential of gluten-free "flour" mixes before attempting the thousand-and-one options available on the internet to mix my own.  The benefits of this flour by Jules?  It contains all the flours and starches I can easily get near my home while including xanthum gum, a binder which also allows mixing of different materials like oil and water.

Cool... Let's mix the wrapper dough first, then let the dough mixture sit and bind while we flavor the meat filling!

Oh Lord, thank you that I was able to by-pass the constant pain and have fun! Aleesha and I successfully made gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers!  With that single mixture, we made: chicken wontons, chicken potstickers, green onion pancakes and cranberry pancakes!  Yay!!! One type of dough for all 4 products.  How cool is that?!?

Thank you, thank you, Lord, that you provided the knowledge to handle this dough mixture.  As the dough started to dry out (even covered by plastic wrap), the drying starch started squeaking while we rolled it!  The dry dough, which looked fine, actually squeaks!  Wow... thank you for the noisy signal to mix more water into the dough and the wisdom to let it re-rest and bind.  Thank you, Lord God, for a very usable, multi-purpose, dough mixture!

Father God, thank you that I am still able to have so much fun in the midst of constantly changing physical dysfunctions. Thank you for always giving me fun things to look forward to and people to spend time with.  Thank you, Lord God, for giving me hope.  For giving me yummy food to eat.  For giving me time to rest.

Father, each week, I feel more and more tired.  Sitting isn't so bad, but standing... Lord, I feel drained so quickly.  As each day passes, am I getting weaker because of the chemotherapy still in my system?  Or am I getting weak from laying around and "resting" so frequently?  It's funny... I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time.  Father, my muscle mass is building up, but the duration I can use my muscles is getting exponentially shorter... It's like my energy capacity is shrinking... Almost as if the more muscles I have, the quicker I burn through my limited energy resources.

Lord God, please give me patience with myself.  Help me to not get frustrated with my limited mobility.  Help me to not get depressed as my fingers go numb and my thoughts become unclear.  Lord, give me strength of heart and courage to keep picking out the positive aspects of my life. Help me to live my fullest with smiles, laughter, joy and peace that comes only by following you and seeing you in action.

May all the glory and praise go to you, Lord.  Thank you for always providing abundant blessings.  Thank you for all the wonderful support I have in my life. In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.

Aleesha slaving away at making wontons!  =D

Gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers... look how thin we got them!  =O

Look at what Aleesha and I made!  Hurray!

Dinner: chicken wontons in vegetable broth, potstickers and pineapple chicken fried rice. *drool* (we already finished eating all the green onion and cranberry pancakes!)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! 

May you and your family be blessed with good memories, intentional conversations, laughter and abundant smiles this year and next.  Thanks for reading!  *hugs* --Kristy

Gluten-free Vegan Snickerdoodle Cookies

Friday, December 12, 2013

When I think about baking, my first thoughts turn to cookies.  Warm, soft cookies!  *drool* 

What better basic cookie than Snickerdoodles for the festive Christmas Season?  I know, I know... better to start with something more basic to get a good understanding of how ingredients work right?  Bleah... that's too boring and too slow.  *smirk*  I'll learn from my mistakes quicker... and hopefully still be able to pinpoint what ingredients need changing.  =D 

Flipping through multiple online sites, I scribble one Snickerdoodle recipe on the back of a random paper.  Hmmmm... but this recipe uses eggs and doesn't look soft enough... I like soft cookies!  But wait!  Kristy never sticks to the basic recipe because I find that usually they're too sweet, too dry, something is not to my liking.  Plus, understanding the basics of what makes a cookie, in this case, gluten-free and vegan, I will hopefully gain a better understanding of the materials I'm using... or so I say.  In reality, I'm just impatient and stubborn.  *wide grin*  I want the cookies _my_ way. 

Let's see... More recipes.  Some normal, some gluten-free, most aren't dairy-free and egg-free.  Alright, now time to combine!

This is what I decided to try:

2 cups blanched almond flour (just bought some through the mail)
(should have added 2-4 Tablespoons of sugar?)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Dash of nutmeg

1/4 cup coconut oil (can use any variety of butter or shortening, will try vegan butter next time)
2 Tablespoon maple syrup (honey or molasses okay)
1 Tablespoon flaxseed in 2 Tablespoons of warm water (can use applesauce or 1 egg)

Cookie coating: 1 Tablespoon cinnamon mixed with 1/2 cup sugar (probably decrease the cinnamon and add some nutmeg?)

Okay!  First easy step... mix all the dry ingredients together.  Done!  That was the no-brainer part.  Ummmm, the coconut oil is solid at room temp.  I can't remember if it's okay to melt...  or does it need to stay solid?  I know in pastries and pie crusts, the oil product is solid for flakiness, but cookies need to be soft, not flaky right?  I can't remember!!!  Drat... but considering the optional substitutes, shortening and butter... all solid products... I should probably keep the coconut oil solid too. *deep sigh*  That's a LOT more work. I'll just leave the coconut oil for last.

Let's see... the flaxseed in water mix is coagulating nicely as a thickening agent.  Ah, I'll just dump the maple syrup in here.  Mix.  Mix.  Stir.  Stir.  Dump into the flour mix.

Now I'll deal with the coconut oil.  Using a handy butter knife, I hack and chip at the solid coconut oil in the jar.  Little bit by little bit, I chisel the solid hunk of oil, eye-balling the amount in my bowl.  Hmmmmm, that looks about 1/2 cup, actually if packed, a little less.  Oops, I was supposed to put 1/4 cup of the coconut oil?  *shrug*  What's done is done.  It's not like I can put the oil back into the jar.

Mixing with a hand-held mixer, looks like everything's coming together... everything except the lumps of coconut oil!  I'll still go with the concept that the the oil shouldn't be melted.  So fork and knife it is!  The fork to squish and break and mix the coconut oil into smaller particles.  The knife to cut and scrape.

Am I there yet?  Oh wait, there's a note to put the mix in the fridge before I shape it.  Fine.  Casually, not bothering to cover my crumbly mix, into the fridge it goes.

30 minutes later:

Alright, I already mixed the cinnamon and sugar.  Why do I need a bowl of water?  I wrote a note to dip my cookie dough into the water and _then_ into the cinnamon/sugar mix.  Why bother with that extra step?  Puzzled, I get the water anyways.  All the normal Snickerdoodles I've made never needed any water.  It's always been a simple shape into a ball, roll into the cinnamon/sugar mix, place onto the cookie pan, squash and bake!

Cookie dough here I come!  Out of the fridge... well, everything still looks the same.  Using my hands, I start kneading the mixture.  Attempting to do my usual dough kneading, I find myself crumbling the mixture instead. Ahhhhh... the dreaded non-gluten and no egg formula.  There's no gluten nor egg to really hold the mix together.  Gather.  Pat.  Shape.  Carefully, I press the mixture into one cohesive lump.  Each time I press too hard, the "dough" crumbles in my hands.

Pinching off enough to make a cookie, I pat and shape the mixture into a ball.  Toss.  I dump the mixture into the cinnamon/sugar bowl for a nice yummy coating.  Or at least, that's what was supposed to happen.  Instead, a third of my cookie chips off and nothing really sticks to the cookie dough. Ahhhhh, guess that's what the water's for.  Shoulders drooping at the thought of an extra step, I regather my broken cookie, shape it into a ball... but wait, if I squish the cookie ball on the cookie sheet... won't it crumble?  Attempting just that, I watch the cookie break and crumble.  Bleah, that doesn't look any good at all.  Why not just shape the cookie in my hands?

Once again, I gather the cookie mixture in my hands.  Roll.  Press.  Shape.  Reform so there are no cracks.  Tada!  Nice flat circular cookie in it's final ready-to-eat format.  Dunk in water.  Flip.  Dunk.  Toss into the cinnamon/sugar mix.  Filp again.  Hmmmm... not enough sugar... mostly cinnamon sticking to my cookie.  Ummmmm... there!  I'll sprinkle some cinnamon/sugar mix onto the baking sheet first, lay my coated cookies on the sheet, then pour the rest of my cinnamon/sugar mixture over everything.  *smirk*  Sounds good right?  *drool*

Bake with the oven preheated to 350F.  Hmmmm, I wrote 12 minutes on my paper.  However, I know I'm never satisfied with the baking time... okay, let's put the cookies in for 15 minutes!

15 minutes later, I stick a chopstick into one cookie.  Is it done?  Ummmm, the mixture by itself is crumbly and not sticky so I can't tell.  Leaving the oven door open, I let the cookies cool for 10 minutes.  Tentatively, I grab the edge of the closest cookie.  Instant crumblage!  Well, this makes it kinda hard to eat.  Oh yeah, this is what people mean by no gluten!  *sigh*  According to the research I've done online, I've gotta let the cookie cool down even more for a cohesive single cookie unit.  Bleah... this process takes soooo much more time and care than the regular Snickerdoodle with gluten.  Well, this better be worth it!

Future trial:  add sugar to the cookie mix for more sweetness.  Use less coconut oil or use butter (vegan butter in my case) for a better flavor?  Maybe applesause for more moisture?  But will it make the cookie too dense?

Lord God, baking is so fun!  I don't have a good grasp of the materials I'm using, but at the same time, I'm learning a LOT.  Cooking... or rather baking... gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free is a huge challenge, but thank you for all the information on the internet.  Thank you for the fun I get to have in mixing new concoctions.  =D  Lord, you've created so many different ingredients... each with their own flavor, own use and purpose.  Wow.  I thank you, Lord, for the time and this opportunity to really dig in to a whole new world of baking.  Thank you that so far, most of the cooking I've done results in edible and at least decent mixes.  So far, the only item I trashed was when attempting to make green onion pancake with the almond flour and water mix... gross!

Father, I ask for continued wisdom as I delve into this new world of baking (and cooking) without gluten, milk-products and eggs.  Give me a positive attitude, a heart to keep experimenting and yummy food to eat.  Help me also make yummy soft cookies!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Here are some pictures.

This is my "dough"... so easy to crumble!

Already baked and still hot... see how it breaks?  I made the snickerdoodle cookies all different sizes and thicknesses to test my future preference and baking time needs.  Didn't seem to make a huge difference.  *shrug*

 Another day of cooking with friends:

Carol and Christine using plastic wrap on the table so the dough doesn't stick.  Soooo much easier to clean.

Look... green onion pancakes that don't puddle!

Washing Dishes

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Noel's day:
Feed Kristy in the morning
Make sure Kristy drinks water and takes medicine
Heats up hot water and places water in a bottle to keep Kristy warm
Braves the cold for work
Goes grocery shopping
Comes home for more Kristy care 
Cooks dinner and preps lunch for next day

"Noel, it's okay.  I'll do the dishes.  You can just leave them there."

Two days later... the dishes are still present.  Well... actually, now there are more plates, utensils, cups and pans than before.  Yikes!  Dishes sure pile up fast in only two days.  Disgruntled, I stand at the sink, staring at the pile of plates, utensils, pans, containers spread over the counter, piled in the sink, balanced on a bucket.  *deep sigh*  These dirty dishes sure aren't going to clean themselves... the last 2 days have proved it!

Angling the parabolic space-heater, I aim the heat directly towards the sink where I plan to stand and wash the dishes.  Grabbing the sponge, I pump the dispenser and glob on tons of dish detergent all over the sponge and my hands.  Perfect!  Gently, I start with the cleanest, most non-oily, dishes I can find to help clear space in the sink.  One mug, then two.  A tall glass cup.  A small glass container and it's plastic lid.  Two light plastic tupperwares.  Ummmm... something's not right.  Why does my heart feel like it's pounding away a mile a minute?

I move my left hand over my right wrist... wow, my heart's thumping.  Staring at my watch, I start counting my pulse.  Forty beats in fifteen seconds... what?!!!  I rarely count that many beats!  Let's see... 40 x 4 is 160 heartbeats per minute.  =O  Usually, my heart doesn't beat that fast unless I'm running around like crazy and sweating!  Washing dishes is not what I would ever label as a workout.

Leaning forward, I rest my forearms at the edge of the sink.  How about if I wash the dishes even slower?  Not like I was scrubbing pots or anything... but if I slow down some, will my heart-rate decrease?

Gently, I swirl the sponge over a small plate.  Rinse.  Three forks, two steak knives, a chopstick.  Rinse.  I can feel my shoulders droop forward.  My respiratory rate is speeding up.  My back starts to bend under my own bodyweight.  I'm _tired_... my legs are starting to feel like jelly.  This dishwashing chore isn't going to work.

Stumbing slightly over my own feet, I stand in front of the heater.  Almost crumbling, my legs fold until I sit... one leg folded across the floor, the other leg bent to prop my right arm and head.  I'll just sit here and rest.

Panting slightly, I take my pulse again.  Well, this time, my heart rate is only at 120 beats per minute.  Better, but it still sucks.  I did nothing I'd consider a workout to get my heart rate so high.  Wow... am I that weak now?

Lord God, even as I write this blog... I can still feel my heart thumping, a uncomfortable pressure in my chest, a slight quickness of breath, a heaviness in my limbs, a shakiness in my fingers.  Is this what it's like to be weak?  Is my body that frail?  I feel old, worn out. Where's the energy I'm used to?  Until now, I've always been able to dig an extra spurt of energy from some unknown storage.  Is it gone?

Father God, I know people say to rest... but I'm used to puttering around the house as my "rest."  Wash dishes, climbing stairs... these are not things I've ever considered as exercise.  But for now, I guess I should re-label any activities as exercise.  Yesterday, I was surprised at how tired I became after only sitting for four hours... the rest of the day, I spent in bed.

Yikes, I'm at a level of some patients I used to work with in the hospital.  I never thought I'd ever consider myself physically weak.  *smirk* Should I test myself?  I wonder how much I can lift or carry now?  How far can I run?  How many flights of stairs can I climb?  Ahhhh, it's really depressing to see how weak I really am.

God, help me not focus on what I cannot do.  Instead, help me continue to focus on what I _can_ do.  I'm not sure if I'm able to improve my strength and function while on chemotherapy... but at least, I don't want to get any weaker than I already am!

Lord, give me strength.  Strength of body.  Strength of spirit.  Strength of heart.  In the name of Jesus I ask, amen.

Sitting in the sun with my two cats.  =D

Another Day at the Hospital

December 4, 2013

Hands crackling.  Skin crisp.  Fingertips are numb.  Lotions and creams don't work.

My legs  feel heavy.  Ankles swollen.  My body's filled with fluid.  Still wearing compression stockings.  Still exercising.  Last night, slept with hands and feet elevated.

With trembling hands, I type.  Heart pounding.  Brain fogged.  Sleepy.

Constant airflow.  So dry.  My eyes ache.  I throw the sheets across my face to retain humidity. 

Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  My Machine feeding me liquids goes off.  "Air-in-line" it reads.  My roommate's alarm also goes off.  A cacophony of noise, slightly off beat, one rings then the other.  

A nurse is called.  Line fixed.  

Ah, time for more pills.

My body's shedding the excess water... Bathroom trip again.

Sitting in bed.  Lazy.  Staring at nothing.

Lord God, time ticks by.  I struggle to function, to think.  Thank you that I'm steady, that I don't need help to use the restroom.  Thank you for nice medical staff who are willing to listen and adjust my meds accordingly. Thank you for a husband who's willing to bring me outside food as I've eaten all the options here in this hospital. Thank you, Lord, for making this hospital stay tolerable.

In Jesus name I give my praise, amen.