Friday, March 30, 2012
Wow, 6 weeks have passed since my last planned chemo session. Yay!!!! I'll get another CT scan early June before checking in with my oncologist to see where things are at. More chemo? Hope not.
I'm curious to see where God will continue to lead my life. I know that the cancer issue will always be in the background, but I don't feel that it's an immediate issue I'll need to deal with again in the next year. *wide grin* Whatevers... life'll never be boring right? =D I don't expect or ever want everything to "go my way"... too predictable. I cherish my times of laziness, but thrive on challenges. Good thing God knows my limits! Following God continues to give me a sense of fulfillment, completion, satisfaction... I never burn-out when I closely follow God. I only burn-out when I start adding my own stuff and taking things into my own hands... then I physically or mentally crash until I have enough time to recover and rest. *tsk tsk* You'd think I would've learned by now huh? Nope! *wink*
The chemo side effects are still present... but I'm physically less tired and now can feel a slight roughness of the cat's fur (only in the mornings when I first wake up). Already, the struggles during chemo fade away. The difficulties and fear I had... looking back, feels non-existent. Yikes... the pain, frustration, confusion... where did it all go?
Well, now's my rest time. These last 2 weeks, I'm learning to pull back and rest. Yanked in too many directions and committed to too many activities, I'm practicing again how to say "no, I need to rest." *smirk* God really does know my breaking points and when I can't take things anymore. During chemo... even with my lowered immune system, never once did I get sick! Yay!!! Prayer request totally answered!!! Thanks everyone for praying about me not getting sick! God listened! Even as everyone around me got sick once, even two or three times... none of the cold symptoms even touched me! Hurray!!! God's awesome!
This past weekend, I got careless and ate food with alcohol in it... the alcohol gives me a super sore throat for 2 day, then makes me susceptible to catching a cold. Monday and Tuesday this week, I took off work because my throat felt like fire. Now, my throat's fine but I'm struggling with a simple cold... stuffy/runny nose on Wednesday and Thursday. Today (Friday), the coughing starts. Grrrrrr... at least with this cold, I don't feel as helpless. I've had colds before, I know what to expect and can look forward to getting better. With the chemo, I had a difficult time attempting to anticipate the side effects, duration of the symptoms, and dealing with the unknown. This cold, I'm counting as a blessing. I'm given a reason to rest and tell people "sorry, I'm sick, can't hangout." *wide grin* I'm fully enjoying this cold even though I hate talking with a congested voice, have snot drip down my face, or cough until my chest feels sore. Heheheee... for me, this cold is a blessing... on my own, I have a hard time setting boundaries and resting until I'm forced to. Like now! =D
Thank you Father in heaven for knowing my limits, for giving me a reason to just relax and rest without feeling guilty. Lord, help me learn to rest without needing to catch a cold! Teach me to take breaks and rest in your presence. Teach me to how to recover so that I don't need to be pinned in place by a cold. *smirk*
Lord, this weekend, our church's young adult group has a retreat I've already agreed to go to. May no one catch my cold. Please help me to fully rest in you and enjoy this weekend retreat without over-doing things... but at the same time, can you please make my cold go away now? *hopeful look* I wanna go have fun! To serve and be served as you've called... open my eyes, ears, and heart to see you, hear you, feel you in my life.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Paintball, Rain, Faith
Advanced Paintball Training
Friday, March 23, 2012
Tomorrow, Noel and I wanted to set up an advanced paintball training session per special request. *so excited* Only issue is that the weather report states rain is expected. Noooooooo....
Lord Father in heaven, can we please host this paintball training session tomorrow? Noel and I are both looking forward to being out on the paintball field again, but there's threat of rain. God, please hold back the rain to about 4pm... I want to host this paintball training session tomorrow, so please please hold back the rain until we're done playing paintball and get all our gear put away!
Father, this whole week, Noel and I have anxiously looked at the weather report... no changes. And yet, each time we pray to you about being able to host this event, neither of us feel that we should cancel. Lord God, I'm scared, but also depending on you to hold back the rain because Noel and I are going to keep moving forward with our advanced paintball training day... trusting that you'll hold back the rain for us.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
So gloomy today... wind's kind of cold too... but so far, no rain!!! Hurray!!!
At Santa Clara Paintball (SCP), the sky looks gray and heavy... will it rain? Noel and I both prayed and will trust God to hold back the rain for us. We're both committed to continue with our training session. *wide grin* Or are we?
While setting up, a light drizzle starts up. Ahhhhhh... if it rains any harder or the wind picks up any stronger... our gear will get wet and the paintballs will melt into puddles! Well... not that bad, but we've got people participating from church who are driving over 45 minutes, committed to come because we stated God will hold back the rain.
Lord, please hold back the rain... let us have a good day to train our youth in skills needed to play a more advanced style of paintball. Father, I will depend on you to provide the perfect weather for us to practice... everything from rain, to breeze, to the condition of the field, and the availability of the fields needed to match our training regime. God, in your hands... Noel and I will place this whole day!
In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
When everyone arrived... a slight drizzle continued... will the drizzle turn into rain? Sure looks like it... and the direction of wind is actually brining even darker thicker clouds! Should we still continue? Noel and I prayed... continuing with our paintball session didn't feel wrong... so we will have faith in our God and Jesus to hold back the rain. And so, in faith and with the sky drizzling a light mist of water, we continued to pull out all our equipment, dress-up in gear (padding, pants, jerseys), pay for paint... Scary... even knowing/feeling that God will provide... I'm still nervous... inside me... there's still a little voice of doubt... knowing God's powerful enough... but am I hearing him correctly? It's _still_ drizzling!
No backing out now... We are 9 people fully committed, dressed, prepped, and financially locked-in. Together, we huddled close in prayer. Again, we ask God, in Jesus' name, to bless our training day: that God will hold back the rain until we were done, to provide optimum weather conditions so that we wouldn't get tired from being too warm, that we would have as much time and field space we needed for practice.
Stepping out into the occasional drizzle, we started our first practice of the day. On the field, the wind disappeared, the drizzle stopped... magic! The temperature felt cool, but not cold anymore. The ground wasn't wet at all when I laid down... did it even drizzle here? Nothing felt damp, no wind, no cold. God truly created a magical space just for us! *awe*
Lord Father in heaven, thank you thank you THANK YOU for providing us as much time as we wanted to practice paintball. Thank you for blessing us with perfect weather on the field today. Thank you for providing every trainee with their own elbow/knee pads, paintball pants, and jersey to wear for this day. Thank you that even as our various equipment failed, there were enough guns for all our trainees to use. Thank you for blessing us with the awesomely friendly and supportive staff at Santa Clara Paintball throughout the entire day that makes this type of event possible and so enjoyable.
Lord, thank you for the opportunity to brag about how awesome a God you are... that you held the rain until the very moment everything was packed into the cars. As we stepped into our cars to leave for a late lunch, you allowed the rain to start pouring down. How much more clear that even for a day of paintball, you held back the rain until the moment we were completely done!
I praise you, Father in heaven, for a perfectly tailored day, for the clouds so no one got too hot, and for the clear proof that you are real... loving us enough to hold back a morning and afternoon of rain just so we can play. The downpour while we ate lunch became clear proof to me about how much rain you withheld while we played.... showing me a glimpse for how impossible and uncomfortable this day could have been if not for you.
God in heaven, may you continue to be glorified! In Jesus' name, amen.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Tomorrow, Noel and I wanted to set up an advanced paintball training session per special request. *so excited* Only issue is that the weather report states rain is expected. Noooooooo....
Lord Father in heaven, can we please host this paintball training session tomorrow? Noel and I are both looking forward to being out on the paintball field again, but there's threat of rain. God, please hold back the rain to about 4pm... I want to host this paintball training session tomorrow, so please please hold back the rain until we're done playing paintball and get all our gear put away!
Father, this whole week, Noel and I have anxiously looked at the weather report... no changes. And yet, each time we pray to you about being able to host this event, neither of us feel that we should cancel. Lord God, I'm scared, but also depending on you to hold back the rain because Noel and I are going to keep moving forward with our advanced paintball training day... trusting that you'll hold back the rain for us.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
So gloomy today... wind's kind of cold too... but so far, no rain!!! Hurray!!!
At Santa Clara Paintball (SCP), the sky looks gray and heavy... will it rain? Noel and I both prayed and will trust God to hold back the rain for us. We're both committed to continue with our training session. *wide grin* Or are we?
While setting up, a light drizzle starts up. Ahhhhhh... if it rains any harder or the wind picks up any stronger... our gear will get wet and the paintballs will melt into puddles! Well... not that bad, but we've got people participating from church who are driving over 45 minutes, committed to come because we stated God will hold back the rain.
Lord, please hold back the rain... let us have a good day to train our youth in skills needed to play a more advanced style of paintball. Father, I will depend on you to provide the perfect weather for us to practice... everything from rain, to breeze, to the condition of the field, and the availability of the fields needed to match our training regime. God, in your hands... Noel and I will place this whole day!
In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
When everyone arrived... a slight drizzle continued... will the drizzle turn into rain? Sure looks like it... and the direction of wind is actually brining even darker thicker clouds! Should we still continue? Noel and I prayed... continuing with our paintball session didn't feel wrong... so we will have faith in our God and Jesus to hold back the rain. And so, in faith and with the sky drizzling a light mist of water, we continued to pull out all our equipment, dress-up in gear (padding, pants, jerseys), pay for paint... Scary... even knowing/feeling that God will provide... I'm still nervous... inside me... there's still a little voice of doubt... knowing God's powerful enough... but am I hearing him correctly? It's _still_ drizzling!
No backing out now... We are 9 people fully committed, dressed, prepped, and financially locked-in. Together, we huddled close in prayer. Again, we ask God, in Jesus' name, to bless our training day: that God will hold back the rain until we were done, to provide optimum weather conditions so that we wouldn't get tired from being too warm, that we would have as much time and field space we needed for practice.
Stepping out into the occasional drizzle, we started our first practice of the day. On the field, the wind disappeared, the drizzle stopped... magic! The temperature felt cool, but not cold anymore. The ground wasn't wet at all when I laid down... did it even drizzle here? Nothing felt damp, no wind, no cold. God truly created a magical space just for us! *awe*
Lord Father in heaven, thank you thank you THANK YOU for providing us as much time as we wanted to practice paintball. Thank you for blessing us with perfect weather on the field today. Thank you for providing every trainee with their own elbow/knee pads, paintball pants, and jersey to wear for this day. Thank you that even as our various equipment failed, there were enough guns for all our trainees to use. Thank you for blessing us with the awesomely friendly and supportive staff at Santa Clara Paintball throughout the entire day that makes this type of event possible and so enjoyable.
Lord, thank you for the opportunity to brag about how awesome a God you are... that you held the rain until the very moment everything was packed into the cars. As we stepped into our cars to leave for a late lunch, you allowed the rain to start pouring down. How much more clear that even for a day of paintball, you held back the rain until the moment we were completely done!
I praise you, Father in heaven, for a perfectly tailored day, for the clouds so no one got too hot, and for the clear proof that you are real... loving us enough to hold back a morning and afternoon of rain just so we can play. The downpour while we ate lunch became clear proof to me about how much rain you withheld while we played.... showing me a glimpse for how impossible and uncomfortable this day could have been if not for you.
God in heaven, may you continue to be glorified! In Jesus' name, amen.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Burnout & Renewal
Friday, March 16, 2012
These past few days were really really tough for me. Physically, my body still doesn't sleep well through the night (I keep waking up when I never used to) and daylight savings really messed up my sense of time! *groan* Constantly tired, I had difficulty efficiently completing my workload, being compassionate to my patients, and understanding the conversations of the people around me. Smiling took a lot of effort, being present in a conversation took all my focus (not even sure if I was sucessful or not), and the rain... I just felt cold, tired, miserable, and super super grouchy! I felt myself drowning in a sea of apathy, inefficiency, cynicism, and irritability.
Mentally, I felt as if I barely teetered on the edge of sanity. Instead of my usual ability to make decisions and move on, my brain continued to cycle through each issue as if no decision was ever made... I'd review the same thought over and over again, each time with a more negative outlook.
For example, last week I carpooled with my neighbor to work. This is something I've always dreamed about doing and prayed that I'd get a chance to try! Up until this point... no one's ever had a schedule or route close enough for me to try carpooling. The first trial morning, my neighbor friend drives me to work... oh so relaxing! *wide grin* Another morning, I drive him to work (I'm embarrassed to say that I almost missed some turns to get to his work, autopilot kept directing me to my workplace). *wry grin* However, even though I enjoyed the experience, how come I didn't feel excited? Why did I keep worrying that my schedule didn't match with my neighbor's and that I was a bother to him? I know he'd tell me if things didn't work out... and yet, my mind continued to replay negative outcomes. What if I forgot to pick him up after work and left him behind? What if I said I'd carpool and then forgot? What if he doesn't really want to carpool but is stuck just because the offer is there? What if...what if... what if... Ahhhhhhh... overload of thoughts and emotions! I'm over-thinking the situation and adding more and more negative potential issues... I get increasingly more grouchy since I can't make a clear rational decision, frustrated that I'm cycling the same concerns, and increasingly irritable at my own confusion. (Thank you neighbor friend for providing the space for me to not commit at this point in time.)
On edge, I wanted to lash out physically... verbally... some way to rid myself of this internal strain. Irrationally, I wanted to yell, scream, punch something... to do anything to restabilize myself! So close to breaking... constantly seeking fault, barely able to seal my mouth shut from speaking irretrievable words, skirting the edge of producing a pleasant facade, holding close the doors to my personal demon (a part of myself I hate to acknowledge exists... part of how I used to be before accepting Jesus Christ as my lord, savior, and redeemer). Part of me selfishly cares for nothing and no one but acting out how I feel with no restraint. I'm tortured by feelings of unfettered anger. Lost in a swirl of irrational emotions. In pain at the inability to find myself. I am so alone... trapped in the maze of my own mind.
Father God, I'm so at the edge of my strength to appear human... to be civil. This anger is tearing at my sanity. Please give me your strength, wisdom, and love for others to compensate for my lack. By myself, I'm so broken right now that I can barely function!
Lord Father, show me your love. Heal my pain. Free me from my anger. Be my shield. I'm drowning... Father God, I can scarcely place one foot in front of the other much less deal with a full load of patients non-stop... I can't do this alone! Tonight, I still have to push through and participate in youth ministry that will lead directly into a girls' sleepover and then a hangout in Dublin. There's still more than 24-hours of commitment... I'm so tired... Lord, I don't want to do anything anymore! Can I just sleep? Can I rest now? *pleading* I know that you've specifically called me to this evening and tomorrow's commitments... can I skip just this once? I'm so tired... can I quit? *crying*
Father in heaven... I have nothing left to give! I'm so empty... barely in control. You've gotta be my strength, my reason, my everything right now. Without you, I'll either drop screaming in a corner or flop unresponsively where I stand.
This night, with God's strength, I choose to honor my commitment as I am called to serve. Step by step, I go home, shower, eat dinner, pack my overnight gear, drop my car off at the overnight location, then finally to church for the weekly Friday night youth ministry. Somehow, I no longer feel the pain, irrational anger, nor the onslaught of uncontrollable emotions. Instead, I'm at peace. How wonderful a blessing is the gift of peace, joy, and hope that my God gives... such an impossible feeling after the earlier desperate reach towards sanity.
Thank you, Father, that you can renew me without sleep, without me hiding in a corner reading a book... that you can completely heal me of my inner turmoil. Thank you, Lord God, for carrying me when I couldn't walk... for providing strength when I had none... for loving me when I'm so ugly inside... for showing your power to renew me when I chose to glorify you and serve as you've called.
Lord, please teach me to serve others without burning out. Give me wisdom to organize my schedule so that I can refresh myself in your presence, instead of serving out of emptiness. Lord, protect me from my internal demons. I see the ugliness inside of me and am disgusted. But, Father, you still love me... you created me and call me your daughter, beloved, masterpiece. Help me to live my life in a way that brings you glory and honor.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
These past few days were really really tough for me. Physically, my body still doesn't sleep well through the night (I keep waking up when I never used to) and daylight savings really messed up my sense of time! *groan* Constantly tired, I had difficulty efficiently completing my workload, being compassionate to my patients, and understanding the conversations of the people around me. Smiling took a lot of effort, being present in a conversation took all my focus (not even sure if I was sucessful or not), and the rain... I just felt cold, tired, miserable, and super super grouchy! I felt myself drowning in a sea of apathy, inefficiency, cynicism, and irritability.
Mentally, I felt as if I barely teetered on the edge of sanity. Instead of my usual ability to make decisions and move on, my brain continued to cycle through each issue as if no decision was ever made... I'd review the same thought over and over again, each time with a more negative outlook.
For example, last week I carpooled with my neighbor to work. This is something I've always dreamed about doing and prayed that I'd get a chance to try! Up until this point... no one's ever had a schedule or route close enough for me to try carpooling. The first trial morning, my neighbor friend drives me to work... oh so relaxing! *wide grin* Another morning, I drive him to work (I'm embarrassed to say that I almost missed some turns to get to his work, autopilot kept directing me to my workplace). *wry grin* However, even though I enjoyed the experience, how come I didn't feel excited? Why did I keep worrying that my schedule didn't match with my neighbor's and that I was a bother to him? I know he'd tell me if things didn't work out... and yet, my mind continued to replay negative outcomes. What if I forgot to pick him up after work and left him behind? What if I said I'd carpool and then forgot? What if he doesn't really want to carpool but is stuck just because the offer is there? What if...what if... what if... Ahhhhhhh... overload of thoughts and emotions! I'm over-thinking the situation and adding more and more negative potential issues... I get increasingly more grouchy since I can't make a clear rational decision, frustrated that I'm cycling the same concerns, and increasingly irritable at my own confusion. (Thank you neighbor friend for providing the space for me to not commit at this point in time.)
On edge, I wanted to lash out physically... verbally... some way to rid myself of this internal strain. Irrationally, I wanted to yell, scream, punch something... to do anything to restabilize myself! So close to breaking... constantly seeking fault, barely able to seal my mouth shut from speaking irretrievable words, skirting the edge of producing a pleasant facade, holding close the doors to my personal demon (a part of myself I hate to acknowledge exists... part of how I used to be before accepting Jesus Christ as my lord, savior, and redeemer). Part of me selfishly cares for nothing and no one but acting out how I feel with no restraint. I'm tortured by feelings of unfettered anger. Lost in a swirl of irrational emotions. In pain at the inability to find myself. I am so alone... trapped in the maze of my own mind.
Father God, I'm so at the edge of my strength to appear human... to be civil. This anger is tearing at my sanity. Please give me your strength, wisdom, and love for others to compensate for my lack. By myself, I'm so broken right now that I can barely function!
Lord Father, show me your love. Heal my pain. Free me from my anger. Be my shield. I'm drowning... Father God, I can scarcely place one foot in front of the other much less deal with a full load of patients non-stop... I can't do this alone! Tonight, I still have to push through and participate in youth ministry that will lead directly into a girls' sleepover and then a hangout in Dublin. There's still more than 24-hours of commitment... I'm so tired... Lord, I don't want to do anything anymore! Can I just sleep? Can I rest now? *pleading* I know that you've specifically called me to this evening and tomorrow's commitments... can I skip just this once? I'm so tired... can I quit? *crying*
Father in heaven... I have nothing left to give! I'm so empty... barely in control. You've gotta be my strength, my reason, my everything right now. Without you, I'll either drop screaming in a corner or flop unresponsively where I stand.
This night, with God's strength, I choose to honor my commitment as I am called to serve. Step by step, I go home, shower, eat dinner, pack my overnight gear, drop my car off at the overnight location, then finally to church for the weekly Friday night youth ministry. Somehow, I no longer feel the pain, irrational anger, nor the onslaught of uncontrollable emotions. Instead, I'm at peace. How wonderful a blessing is the gift of peace, joy, and hope that my God gives... such an impossible feeling after the earlier desperate reach towards sanity.
Thank you, Father, that you can renew me without sleep, without me hiding in a corner reading a book... that you can completely heal me of my inner turmoil. Thank you, Lord God, for carrying me when I couldn't walk... for providing strength when I had none... for loving me when I'm so ugly inside... for showing your power to renew me when I chose to glorify you and serve as you've called.
Lord, please teach me to serve others without burning out. Give me wisdom to organize my schedule so that I can refresh myself in your presence, instead of serving out of emptiness. Lord, protect me from my internal demons. I see the ugliness inside of me and am disgusted. But, Father, you still love me... you created me and call me your daughter, beloved, masterpiece. Help me to live my life in a way that brings you glory and honor.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Not quite myself...
Last Wednesday after the doctor's appointment, I was so excited and happy and energetic! Hurray!!! To myself... I boasted that regardless of being anemic... I didn't feel tired at all! *smirk* Hmmm... how long will that last? Not long. *sigh*
Starting the very next day, I felt drained, tired... not quite myself. My driving is sloppy and slow mixed with being aggressive at the wrong points in time... I'm sleeping a lot more (tired even with taking naps!)... I'm zoning out really easily... something's not quite right. Is this the person I really am? I can feel my thoughts balancing on the edge of irritability, fatigue, and nothingness. What's wrong with me? When I laugh and smile, I feel distanced from my body... like I'm not quite all there. My focus isn't all there either when I talk to my patients... what are they saying again? *shudder*
Is this what the doctors meant when they said my hormones would be out of balance? Or am I just PMSing? Is my slow achy-numb body finally wearing on me? *smirk* I know I go through my irritable phases... but those phases usually last a couple days (I think). Grrrrrrr.... I don't like the way I am right now... it takes more energy to be positive and I can't seem to keep a smile, even when things are funny. Is this what people call depression? Maybe... but I don't like it and I'm not going to allow myself to wallow in it. I don't wanna be in a hole... once down there, I'll have an even harder time climbing out! *determined look*
Thank you, Lord God, for providing me the insight to see a little bit of where I am and where my emotions are headed. Thank you that you have provided so much encouragement and support! When I read the emails and the cards people have written, I gain back a little more of who I am... I am confident that if I falter, others will carry me. Thank you, Father God, that my strength is not in myself alone, but the family and friends you have provided for me.
Lord, please steady my spirit. I feel lost and adrift... please anchor me to reality and don't let me swirl in doubt! Show me how to regain my normal cheerfulness and positive attitude... not something fake... but one anchored on your hope, your peace, and your joy. As I struggle, Lord, please give me strength and wisdom to keep my eyes fixed on you. Please guard my mouth and attitude from outbursts that may hurt others. Please help me focus so that I can continue to show your love and care to the people around me... Lord, I feel like I'm drowning and can't get proper control of myself. Help me to be strong, to show the effects of your presence in my life, and please help me to get rest! I'm so tired sometimes, but can't sleep well or don't feel well-rested even after I sleep... Father in heaven... give me the strength to place one foot in front of the other... to keep walking forward... to honor you even as I struggle.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Starting the very next day, I felt drained, tired... not quite myself. My driving is sloppy and slow mixed with being aggressive at the wrong points in time... I'm sleeping a lot more (tired even with taking naps!)... I'm zoning out really easily... something's not quite right. Is this the person I really am? I can feel my thoughts balancing on the edge of irritability, fatigue, and nothingness. What's wrong with me? When I laugh and smile, I feel distanced from my body... like I'm not quite all there. My focus isn't all there either when I talk to my patients... what are they saying again? *shudder*
Is this what the doctors meant when they said my hormones would be out of balance? Or am I just PMSing? Is my slow achy-numb body finally wearing on me? *smirk* I know I go through my irritable phases... but those phases usually last a couple days (I think). Grrrrrrr.... I don't like the way I am right now... it takes more energy to be positive and I can't seem to keep a smile, even when things are funny. Is this what people call depression? Maybe... but I don't like it and I'm not going to allow myself to wallow in it. I don't wanna be in a hole... once down there, I'll have an even harder time climbing out! *determined look*
Thank you, Lord God, for providing me the insight to see a little bit of where I am and where my emotions are headed. Thank you that you have provided so much encouragement and support! When I read the emails and the cards people have written, I gain back a little more of who I am... I am confident that if I falter, others will carry me. Thank you, Father God, that my strength is not in myself alone, but the family and friends you have provided for me.
Lord, please steady my spirit. I feel lost and adrift... please anchor me to reality and don't let me swirl in doubt! Show me how to regain my normal cheerfulness and positive attitude... not something fake... but one anchored on your hope, your peace, and your joy. As I struggle, Lord, please give me strength and wisdom to keep my eyes fixed on you. Please guard my mouth and attitude from outbursts that may hurt others. Please help me focus so that I can continue to show your love and care to the people around me... Lord, I feel like I'm drowning and can't get proper control of myself. Help me to be strong, to show the effects of your presence in my life, and please help me to get rest! I'm so tired sometimes, but can't sleep well or don't feel well-rested even after I sleep... Father in heaven... give me the strength to place one foot in front of the other... to keep walking forward... to honor you even as I struggle.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Freedom for 3 months!
Today, March 7, 2012, is another potential chemo day. =S
If I do chemotherapy today, I need to take dexamethasone this morning (a steroid medicine to prevent an allergic reaction). Well... God, you know if I'll have a chemo session today. If God wants me to take the dexamethasone, then I'll see the bottle of meds before leaving work... I hid the meds in maybe three places. Bathroom... not there. Kitchen table... not there. Maybe the desk by the bed? Ahhhh.... running late to work, no time to check so I guess I'm not going to take the meds this morning! *smirk* Heheheeee....
At work this morning... the pacing felt a little weird. Many patients either showed super early (by an hour or TWO), didn't show up for their appointments at all, or came late resulting in a lot of switching around between therapists. *wide grin* I'm so happy God provided a work place where we all work so well together! One therapist saw an early arriving patient, another covered for a late arriving patient... mind-boggling when I reviewed today's actual schedule... my friends at work put up with me asking them to change their scheduled patients all morning long. *sheepish grin*
At noon, I ran home, met my sister and husband, grabbed a quick lunch, and drove to Stanford. Turns out that I went late for my blood draw. I thought I was supposed to get my blood drawn at 1:40... turns out that I was supposed to get the blood drawn at 1pm. Oops! *cringe*
Met with my doctors at 2pm with my blood work results not complete yet. Hmmmm... my fault. *waving raised hand* Reviewed my symptoms and received answers regarding the expected duration of each one:
-Yellow nails, can get worse, even slightly green in color. Ewwwww... then it'll just have to grow out.
-Neuropathy, hopefully will improve, but may be permanent. Currently slightly numb and achy in my fingers/toes with decrease in sensation also in my hands, feet, and R thigh. =(
-Hot flashes, pseudo-menopause while my hormones are out of wack, will last about 2-3 months... yay for hot flashes. Last Friday I counted 25 hot flashes where I felt super hot and sweaty at random times in a 24-hour period. Icky!
-Fluid retention, likely to last another 2 months... can't wait to be normal again! Then I won't have to wake up every 1-2 hours at night to go pee while my body slowly voids the excess fluid. I'm sooooo tired. If I have time, I lay on my back with my hand and feet in the air like a dead bug so gravity can assist with clearing the excess fluid stored in my extremities (when I do this for an hour or two, I can sleep the whole night through).
Due to the symptoms, especially with the neuropathy that can impact my job as a physical therapist, the doctor decided to withhold chemotherapy for 3 months. In 3 months, I will get another CT scan and the doctor will decide what to do from there. YAY!!!
After leaving the doctor's office, I get a call from my Stanford doctor saying that she just received my blood work results... I'm anemic with a hemoglobin count of 7.6 (that's pretty low, normal is 12-14 for females I think). So next week, I'll get my blood tested again. If my hemoglobin count goes any lower, my doctor suggests a transfusion... but said that I looked great today. *wide grin* Hurray!!! No transfusion!
Thank you, Father God, for providing a sunny day, no chemotherapy, a doctor who really listens and takes into account my needs/wants, and no blood transfusion. Thank you, Lord, that even while I'm anemic, I still have the ability to play paintball, complete a modified Beach Body Insanity workout, and walk up the stairs with less shortness of breath! Thank you that I get 3 months of no more needles stuck into my arm... each needle-stick was getting progressively more painful (body probably getting sensitized?).
Lord, I would like the side effects from chemotherapy to fully disappear, but if that doesn't happen, help me to modify my lifestyle in order to cope with my body's changes. Give me the strength to work around my physical deficits. Continue to guide my eyes and thoughts to see the benefits and blessing in my life regardless of any potential handicaps.
Lord God in heaven... there's a swirl of unclear thoughts and wants in my head and my heart... you know them better than I do. Help me to face my future, enjoy the present, and be at peace while Noel continues to look for a job.
In Jesus' holy name I pray, amen.
Thanks for reading!!! *big hugs*
If I do chemotherapy today, I need to take dexamethasone this morning (a steroid medicine to prevent an allergic reaction). Well... God, you know if I'll have a chemo session today. If God wants me to take the dexamethasone, then I'll see the bottle of meds before leaving work... I hid the meds in maybe three places. Bathroom... not there. Kitchen table... not there. Maybe the desk by the bed? Ahhhh.... running late to work, no time to check so I guess I'm not going to take the meds this morning! *smirk* Heheheeee....
At work this morning... the pacing felt a little weird. Many patients either showed super early (by an hour or TWO), didn't show up for their appointments at all, or came late resulting in a lot of switching around between therapists. *wide grin* I'm so happy God provided a work place where we all work so well together! One therapist saw an early arriving patient, another covered for a late arriving patient... mind-boggling when I reviewed today's actual schedule... my friends at work put up with me asking them to change their scheduled patients all morning long. *sheepish grin*
At noon, I ran home, met my sister and husband, grabbed a quick lunch, and drove to Stanford. Turns out that I went late for my blood draw. I thought I was supposed to get my blood drawn at 1:40... turns out that I was supposed to get the blood drawn at 1pm. Oops! *cringe*
Met with my doctors at 2pm with my blood work results not complete yet. Hmmmm... my fault. *waving raised hand* Reviewed my symptoms and received answers regarding the expected duration of each one:
-Yellow nails, can get worse, even slightly green in color. Ewwwww... then it'll just have to grow out.
-Neuropathy, hopefully will improve, but may be permanent. Currently slightly numb and achy in my fingers/toes with decrease in sensation also in my hands, feet, and R thigh. =(
-Hot flashes, pseudo-menopause while my hormones are out of wack, will last about 2-3 months... yay for hot flashes. Last Friday I counted 25 hot flashes where I felt super hot and sweaty at random times in a 24-hour period. Icky!
-Fluid retention, likely to last another 2 months... can't wait to be normal again! Then I won't have to wake up every 1-2 hours at night to go pee while my body slowly voids the excess fluid. I'm sooooo tired. If I have time, I lay on my back with my hand and feet in the air like a dead bug so gravity can assist with clearing the excess fluid stored in my extremities (when I do this for an hour or two, I can sleep the whole night through).
Due to the symptoms, especially with the neuropathy that can impact my job as a physical therapist, the doctor decided to withhold chemotherapy for 3 months. In 3 months, I will get another CT scan and the doctor will decide what to do from there. YAY!!!
After leaving the doctor's office, I get a call from my Stanford doctor saying that she just received my blood work results... I'm anemic with a hemoglobin count of 7.6 (that's pretty low, normal is 12-14 for females I think). So next week, I'll get my blood tested again. If my hemoglobin count goes any lower, my doctor suggests a transfusion... but said that I looked great today. *wide grin* Hurray!!! No transfusion!
Thank you, Father God, for providing a sunny day, no chemotherapy, a doctor who really listens and takes into account my needs/wants, and no blood transfusion. Thank you, Lord, that even while I'm anemic, I still have the ability to play paintball, complete a modified Beach Body Insanity workout, and walk up the stairs with less shortness of breath! Thank you that I get 3 months of no more needles stuck into my arm... each needle-stick was getting progressively more painful (body probably getting sensitized?).
Lord, I would like the side effects from chemotherapy to fully disappear, but if that doesn't happen, help me to modify my lifestyle in order to cope with my body's changes. Give me the strength to work around my physical deficits. Continue to guide my eyes and thoughts to see the benefits and blessing in my life regardless of any potential handicaps.
Lord God in heaven... there's a swirl of unclear thoughts and wants in my head and my heart... you know them better than I do. Help me to face my future, enjoy the present, and be at peace while Noel continues to look for a job.
In Jesus' holy name I pray, amen.
Thanks for reading!!! *big hugs*
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Paintball =D
Saturday morning, March 3, 2012
Before this day... I was so nervous! Even though I tried not to, in the back of my head, I wondered if paintballing was a good idea. The doctors didn't think I'd have the energy to play, the chemo nurses stated that the chemo meds would make me bleed more because my platelet count would be low, and myself... I even doubted I'd be able to carry my equipment and run around for a couple hours. *smirk*
On Saturday morning, woke up to a chilly room, but outside... bright and sunny! With determination, I don my gear: padded shorts, padded vest, knee/shin/elbow pads, paintball pants, Uprising jersey, neck guard, sunblock and bandana to my head (prevent sunburn)... gather my gloves, cleats, mask, guns... ready as I'll ever be I guess. *nervous and excited*
At the field, beautiful weather, playing areas of the field were dry with no puddles from the recent rain, and people in team jerseys!!! Yay!!! Maybe we can play with them? Can I even move well enough to play on that level? Feelings of doubt and insecurity flood through me.
Okay, time to distract myself... let's go buy paint, load the paint into my equipment, chrono (calibrate the speed of my paintball guns), and finish donning my gear. Now I'll be as ready to play as I'll ever be!
Stretching out, I feel super tight and again my muscles burn (I'm learning that this burning pain is part of my neuropathy... nerve damage)... so these sensations don't count... I've just gotta muscle through and hope things'll get better once I play!
Starting out, there's no one to play with except the intermediates. I cover Noel as he plays snake. Yelling at him, I call "POISON," meaning someone's on the other side of his bunker. Noel doesn't hear me. Frustrated, I attempt to stream paint to cover him and pin the opponent in place. Next thing I know, Noel's out. Bummer... Noel totally could've shot that guy! Oops!!! This is intermediate play... hehehheee... *sheepish grin* Being that close, Noel should've surrendered the opponent... something we both forgot since we're used to playing advanced. *wince* Guess it's a good thing Noel didn't hear me... else he'd have shot the guy close up. Yikes... not safe to play all out, gotta remember restraint! =O
I started this morning with my shocker. I love this gun because it's quiet and shoots so smooth like butter... when it works. *sigh* This gun worked like a dream the first game... by the second game... started chomping the paintballs and drooling paint. Disappointed, I switch to my trusty Ego 7... doesn't ever break down, doesn't cause problems, but clunks loudly with every shot. Dependable... that's my Ego 7... at least, using this gun, I can play all day and not worry about my equipment being the cause of my problems. Instead, my limiting factor now becomes just me and my body that feels stiff, achy, weak, and out of breath. *grimace*
Today, I really notice the impaired sensation in my feet! I'm so used to walking at work or home that I don't trip... but here at the paintball field, the ground is uneven and I'm stumbling everywhere I go! God, please don't let me fall flat on my face when I play paintball!!! *hopeful look* I've still got appearances to keep as the only girl playing today in a team jersey. Falling is NOT on my list of stuff to accomplish!
Regardless of how I feel... I want to look alive, energetic, steady... not sickly or tired... partially because I don't want looks of pity, but also because if I portray myself as a normal person, I'll feel normal. If I allow myself to look unsteady, abnormally short of breath, drained... then I'll start to feel like how I allow myself to look. Not happening if I can help it! I'm determined to make full use of today! I don't want to be babied, or treated like an invalid on the paintball field... my goal is to show that I'm equal to anyone out there regardless of my chemo treatments.
Silly? Stubborn? Yeah... but this is part of what keeps me so positive and moving so strongly forward as I make my way through the chemotherapy treatments. The word "impossible" will not be allowed in my vocabulary... I rather be thought of as crazily stupid and enjoy life than to be safe, weak, and sad crying in a corner. I will not allow myself to be pinned down... I can't! If I ever stop moving forward, I'm afraid that I'll never get up and move again... I can't loose my momentum... I can't loose myself. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm barely holding on to this semblance of a normal life by a thin thread... when and if I loose this part of myself... where will I be?
Lord Father, I cry when I think about how bad things can get... and I praise your name that I'm as capable, energetic, and alive as I am now. If things get worse and my body breaks down, I trust that what I go through won't be more than I can handle. You've proven to me over and over again your love for me, that even when things get bad, you, God, always have the best planned for me and those around me. I willingly give my entire being into your hands.
Lord, when I offered to give my life to follow you all those years ago... I meant it and I place my life/future into your hands. If the pain/aches, weakness, fatigue, shortness of breath, loss of hair... if all this is ony the start of more to come... then so be it. Lord, for you, I live this life and am blessed with more beyond my dreams. I don't need money, riches, security... That'd be totally nice, but I can see you so much clearer in the times of challenges and hardship. So even if things get bad, I know that I'll continue to enjoy your blessings in new ways and I don't want to give that up! Already, I am blessed with getting to know people on a different level... I am shown many ways that I am loved, supported, and cared for... I have the opportunity to understand some of the difficulties my patients go through as I go through similar physical disabilities and learn how to treat my own symptoms.
Thank you Lord Father for this day of paintball. Thank you that I played most of my paintball games on the advance level with the jersied team present, at a level that didn't push me to my physical limits, and yet, allowed me to fully enjoy and challenge myself without being a hinderance to the people I played with. Thank you for this opportunity of fun during my break in chemotherapy treatments! Thank you, God, for protecting me so that I only got one large bruise on my left arm, a bump on my head, and 2 almost unnoticeable marks on my legs. *Wide grin*
Lord, I continue to dedicate my life into your hands and eagerly anticipate, with hope, the future you have called me to live.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Before this day... I was so nervous! Even though I tried not to, in the back of my head, I wondered if paintballing was a good idea. The doctors didn't think I'd have the energy to play, the chemo nurses stated that the chemo meds would make me bleed more because my platelet count would be low, and myself... I even doubted I'd be able to carry my equipment and run around for a couple hours. *smirk*
On Saturday morning, woke up to a chilly room, but outside... bright and sunny! With determination, I don my gear: padded shorts, padded vest, knee/shin/elbow pads, paintball pants, Uprising jersey, neck guard, sunblock and bandana to my head (prevent sunburn)... gather my gloves, cleats, mask, guns... ready as I'll ever be I guess. *nervous and excited*
At the field, beautiful weather, playing areas of the field were dry with no puddles from the recent rain, and people in team jerseys!!! Yay!!! Maybe we can play with them? Can I even move well enough to play on that level? Feelings of doubt and insecurity flood through me.
Okay, time to distract myself... let's go buy paint, load the paint into my equipment, chrono (calibrate the speed of my paintball guns), and finish donning my gear. Now I'll be as ready to play as I'll ever be!
Stretching out, I feel super tight and again my muscles burn (I'm learning that this burning pain is part of my neuropathy... nerve damage)... so these sensations don't count... I've just gotta muscle through and hope things'll get better once I play!
Starting out, there's no one to play with except the intermediates. I cover Noel as he plays snake. Yelling at him, I call "POISON," meaning someone's on the other side of his bunker. Noel doesn't hear me. Frustrated, I attempt to stream paint to cover him and pin the opponent in place. Next thing I know, Noel's out. Bummer... Noel totally could've shot that guy! Oops!!! This is intermediate play... hehehheee... *sheepish grin* Being that close, Noel should've surrendered the opponent... something we both forgot since we're used to playing advanced. *wince* Guess it's a good thing Noel didn't hear me... else he'd have shot the guy close up. Yikes... not safe to play all out, gotta remember restraint! =O
I started this morning with my shocker. I love this gun because it's quiet and shoots so smooth like butter... when it works. *sigh* This gun worked like a dream the first game... by the second game... started chomping the paintballs and drooling paint. Disappointed, I switch to my trusty Ego 7... doesn't ever break down, doesn't cause problems, but clunks loudly with every shot. Dependable... that's my Ego 7... at least, using this gun, I can play all day and not worry about my equipment being the cause of my problems. Instead, my limiting factor now becomes just me and my body that feels stiff, achy, weak, and out of breath. *grimace*
Today, I really notice the impaired sensation in my feet! I'm so used to walking at work or home that I don't trip... but here at the paintball field, the ground is uneven and I'm stumbling everywhere I go! God, please don't let me fall flat on my face when I play paintball!!! *hopeful look* I've still got appearances to keep as the only girl playing today in a team jersey. Falling is NOT on my list of stuff to accomplish!
Regardless of how I feel... I want to look alive, energetic, steady... not sickly or tired... partially because I don't want looks of pity, but also because if I portray myself as a normal person, I'll feel normal. If I allow myself to look unsteady, abnormally short of breath, drained... then I'll start to feel like how I allow myself to look. Not happening if I can help it! I'm determined to make full use of today! I don't want to be babied, or treated like an invalid on the paintball field... my goal is to show that I'm equal to anyone out there regardless of my chemo treatments.
Silly? Stubborn? Yeah... but this is part of what keeps me so positive and moving so strongly forward as I make my way through the chemotherapy treatments. The word "impossible" will not be allowed in my vocabulary... I rather be thought of as crazily stupid and enjoy life than to be safe, weak, and sad crying in a corner. I will not allow myself to be pinned down... I can't! If I ever stop moving forward, I'm afraid that I'll never get up and move again... I can't loose my momentum... I can't loose myself. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm barely holding on to this semblance of a normal life by a thin thread... when and if I loose this part of myself... where will I be?
Lord Father, I cry when I think about how bad things can get... and I praise your name that I'm as capable, energetic, and alive as I am now. If things get worse and my body breaks down, I trust that what I go through won't be more than I can handle. You've proven to me over and over again your love for me, that even when things get bad, you, God, always have the best planned for me and those around me. I willingly give my entire being into your hands.
Lord, when I offered to give my life to follow you all those years ago... I meant it and I place my life/future into your hands. If the pain/aches, weakness, fatigue, shortness of breath, loss of hair... if all this is ony the start of more to come... then so be it. Lord, for you, I live this life and am blessed with more beyond my dreams. I don't need money, riches, security... That'd be totally nice, but I can see you so much clearer in the times of challenges and hardship. So even if things get bad, I know that I'll continue to enjoy your blessings in new ways and I don't want to give that up! Already, I am blessed with getting to know people on a different level... I am shown many ways that I am loved, supported, and cared for... I have the opportunity to understand some of the difficulties my patients go through as I go through similar physical disabilities and learn how to treat my own symptoms.
Thank you Lord Father for this day of paintball. Thank you that I played most of my paintball games on the advance level with the jersied team present, at a level that didn't push me to my physical limits, and yet, allowed me to fully enjoy and challenge myself without being a hinderance to the people I played with. Thank you for this opportunity of fun during my break in chemotherapy treatments! Thank you, God, for protecting me so that I only got one large bruise on my left arm, a bump on my head, and 2 almost unnoticeable marks on my legs. *Wide grin*
Lord, I continue to dedicate my life into your hands and eagerly anticipate, with hope, the future you have called me to live.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Internal struggles regarding paintball
Sometimes I think I'm crazy... other times... perfectly sane. *smirk*
My personal goal is to do all the activities I used to do, but to do them all while getting chemotherapy: rockclimbing, paintball, weekly youth group events, work my full schedule, hang out with friends and family, continue the once-a-month dinner and games night for college students/young adults at my home and occasionally exercise (rare).
So far, by God's strength and blessing, I've accomplished all my set goals and will continue to do so... except I haven't played paintball yet. Well, this coming Saturday, I'm planning on playing paintball with some friends. Hurray!!! =D *super excited*
Part of me is itching to play paintball. After watching friends play 2 weeks ago... I'm drooling every time I consider stepping out on the paintball field. *wry grin* However, there's the other part of me that doubts I can play. The bruising and scrapes and physical injuries... who cares? I wouldn't play paintball if that was my concern. Instead, my fear is that when I step onto the paintball field... I won't be able to sprint, slide, crawl, crouch... my legs ache when I squat ONCE, feeling as if I pushed myself to my physical limits... then I do a couple more squats and my muscles burn so much I feel as if I'm on fire and my body will collapse. How in the world am I going to play paintball in this condition??? *tsk tsk* I feel so weak... my body feels kinda useless, but at the same time, I know I can push through the sensations my body throws at me... or maybe that's just wishful thinking?
I try a short sprint and then crouch.... my thighs burn, my throat aches, and my head hurts. If my body remains like this... I won't make it through a single game! *pitiful sigh* Why in the world do I still want to play paintball? Because paintball is super FUN!!! Maybe I'm trying to show off or I'm testing my physical limits or just blindly so stubborn that I want to complete my personal chemo goals. *shrug* Whatever the reason... be it stupidity, stubbornness, pride, or a thirst for adventure... I'll make it to the paintball field and see what happens.
I'm excited and I'm scared! I'd look pretty stupid running half a field just to fall flat on my face from fatigue. I'd look really stupid fumbling my gear with partially numb fingers. I know that when I play paintball this weekend, I'm going to push my body to the limits, deal with shortness of breath, fight fatigue, struggle to focus through a ragging headache... for what? For my goals and maybe some glory kills... but mostly because I feel so alive when I struggle and when I hurt because these things tell me I'm still alive.
If I can play paintball, I can hope for a stronger and more capable body in the future when chemo ends. Who knows where God will lead me... so for now... I will stubbornly plow ahead with my goals until God tells me to stop. *wry grin*
Father God, I've asked you for the opportunity to play paintball and at the same time, be able to honor my doctors in regards to their concern for my body's diminished healing capabilities during my chemo treatments. Thank you for providing this break from chemo where I can play paintball. I did tell my doctors that I'm playing this weekend... besides looking at me like I was crazy, they didn't say I couldn't go play. *wide grin*
Lord, I asked you for permission to play paintball and have not yet heard you tell me to stop... so Father, give me the strength, focus, balance, instinct, and endurance to play paintball this weekend. Please bless me and every person I play with/against with a day of fun, laughter, and joy. Please ease my fears and open my ears to hear you, Lord, so that if you ever tell me to stop, I will listen and obey.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
My personal goal is to do all the activities I used to do, but to do them all while getting chemotherapy: rockclimbing, paintball, weekly youth group events, work my full schedule, hang out with friends and family, continue the once-a-month dinner and games night for college students/young adults at my home and occasionally exercise (rare).
So far, by God's strength and blessing, I've accomplished all my set goals and will continue to do so... except I haven't played paintball yet. Well, this coming Saturday, I'm planning on playing paintball with some friends. Hurray!!! =D *super excited*
Part of me is itching to play paintball. After watching friends play 2 weeks ago... I'm drooling every time I consider stepping out on the paintball field. *wry grin* However, there's the other part of me that doubts I can play. The bruising and scrapes and physical injuries... who cares? I wouldn't play paintball if that was my concern. Instead, my fear is that when I step onto the paintball field... I won't be able to sprint, slide, crawl, crouch... my legs ache when I squat ONCE, feeling as if I pushed myself to my physical limits... then I do a couple more squats and my muscles burn so much I feel as if I'm on fire and my body will collapse. How in the world am I going to play paintball in this condition??? *tsk tsk* I feel so weak... my body feels kinda useless, but at the same time, I know I can push through the sensations my body throws at me... or maybe that's just wishful thinking?
I try a short sprint and then crouch.... my thighs burn, my throat aches, and my head hurts. If my body remains like this... I won't make it through a single game! *pitiful sigh* Why in the world do I still want to play paintball? Because paintball is super FUN!!! Maybe I'm trying to show off or I'm testing my physical limits or just blindly so stubborn that I want to complete my personal chemo goals. *shrug* Whatever the reason... be it stupidity, stubbornness, pride, or a thirst for adventure... I'll make it to the paintball field and see what happens.
I'm excited and I'm scared! I'd look pretty stupid running half a field just to fall flat on my face from fatigue. I'd look really stupid fumbling my gear with partially numb fingers. I know that when I play paintball this weekend, I'm going to push my body to the limits, deal with shortness of breath, fight fatigue, struggle to focus through a ragging headache... for what? For my goals and maybe some glory kills... but mostly because I feel so alive when I struggle and when I hurt because these things tell me I'm still alive.
If I can play paintball, I can hope for a stronger and more capable body in the future when chemo ends. Who knows where God will lead me... so for now... I will stubbornly plow ahead with my goals until God tells me to stop. *wry grin*
Father God, I've asked you for the opportunity to play paintball and at the same time, be able to honor my doctors in regards to their concern for my body's diminished healing capabilities during my chemo treatments. Thank you for providing this break from chemo where I can play paintball. I did tell my doctors that I'm playing this weekend... besides looking at me like I was crazy, they didn't say I couldn't go play. *wide grin*
Lord, I asked you for permission to play paintball and have not yet heard you tell me to stop... so Father, give me the strength, focus, balance, instinct, and endurance to play paintball this weekend. Please bless me and every person I play with/against with a day of fun, laughter, and joy. Please ease my fears and open my ears to hear you, Lord, so that if you ever tell me to stop, I will listen and obey.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
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