Struggling with pride

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Today's sermon at church really resonated deep inside of me.  In the current Sunday series, "Accelerate," Pastor Josh talked about pride in the passage of Acts 12.  (If you're interested, you can listen to the sermon... once it's posted  -->  here.) 

What is pride?  Pride is an elevated option of oneself and gives off a negative impression.  Pride is synonymous with vanity, conceit, egotism, arrogant assumption of superiority.  Is pride really all that horrible?  There's that saying, "Pride comes before a fall."  Hmmmmm... self-inflation of my own capabilities, superiority in my thoughts and actions that belittle another person... that really doesn't sound like a good thing!

To put myself above someone else, to see someone just as a tool to complete my personal objective, to think that I know better ... I did that to Noel this past week.  *embarrassed look* Here's what happened:

Friday, May 18, 2012... Big project day!!!  =D

Goal: finish grinding the rough surface of the flagstone/concrete backyard project to create a flat surface and expose the small pebbles imbedded in the colored concrete. 

Noel's job: go to dermatology, exercise at the gym, then come help me, Kristy, with the backyard. 

Kristy's job: go rent the concrete grinder machine and prep the backyard (clear the flagstone/concrete surface of scattered shovels, wheelbarrow, and random flagstone pieces I never put away).  *sheepish look*

I got the concrete grinder... this big heavy piece of machinery that likely weighed more than Noel!  Two guys at the rental place put the machine into the trunk of my car.  I still remember another guy on the sidelines, laughing so hard that his face turned red and he couldn't stand up straight.  *puzzled look*  What's he laughing at???  *disgruntled look*  Well, I'd soon find out!

Returning home, I couldn't budge the concrete grinder... not even an inch!  Ah well... Noel can help me take it out later.  I finish prepping the project area.  Okay... Where's Noel?  Without him, I can't start the project!  If only he'd be home to help me lift out the machine... then he could go work out and I can start grinding away at the uneven places in the backyard.  Plus, if I can return the concrete grinder in 2 hours... I'll save money on the rental fee!  *smirk*  Ohhhh, am I was sooooo wrong!

When Noel finally got home... only an hour was left on the rental clock!  Hurry hurry HURRY!!!  I rush Noel, barely allow him to gobble down a snack bar and change clothes... let's get the machine out NOW! 

So heavy... together, we could barely take the concrete grinder out of the car's trunk!  Noel drags the machine into our backyard while I'm ragging on him to hurry up.  Finally, he snaps back and tells me that he's not going to rush this project... that if this takes more than an hour or two, he will do it properly.  Chastised, I take a closer look at myself.  I'm treating Noel like a servant, I'm more concerned about the money, and I am pridefully assuming that I can complete this project by myself if I just had someone to help take the grinder out of the car.

So wrong!  My attitude is skewed, intentions are more focused on the project than on my husband's willingness to help, I'm totally not appreciative... but so much of my focus is on money and efficiency.  Am I being Christ-like?  Totally not!  In the Bible, Jesus always put people and their needs above doing a task or job.  I totally fail... my pride slipped in and got the best of me.  *sigh*

Once I appologized and reset my attitude, Noel and I got started.  Water hose hooked onto the machine.  Done.  Machine plugged in.  Done.  Switch flipped to "ON."  Done.  Okay, time for me to pull the cable and start the gas-powered engine... Noel will control the machine first.  Before either of us could react, Noel was shoved backwards, hit the fence, and nearly got squashed between the fence and this high-powered concrete grinder.  *scared*  This machine is totally powerful and way easily out of my ability to control!

The next 2-3 hours:  Noel fought to control the concrete grinder as it frequently tried to run away.  Occasionally, Noel and the machine would nearly slam into the house, fence, or flip sideways.  What did I do?  Only thing I could do... hold the water hose so Noel wouldn't trip, guard Noel so that when he slid or almost fell, I could assist to halt his momentum... but most importantly, I prayed... I prayed really really hard!  I prayed for Noel's safety, I prayed for Noel to stay strong and have wisdom in managing this machine, I prayed that Noel wouldn't get injured and the house/windows/fence wouldn't break when Noel lost control, I prayed that we wouldn't break this crazy-powerful machine, I prayed that I would have wisdom in how to assist my husband... During those 2-3 hours, I never stopped praying as God answered each of my desperate prayers!

In the end... God stopped our project before the backyard was complete.  Boy was I ever so grateful!  Noel was getting tired, the machine kicked out of control more frequently, and why was there more sparks flying up?  Checking the machine... wow... we wore out the grinding plate so far that even one of the bolts got sheered off.  *shock*  In one day, a brand new grinding plate got worn completely through!  Yikes!

Father in heaven, you truly have everything in hand.  You protected Noel from injury, you protected our property from getting broken, and Lord, even the machine's wear was not counted as our fault.  In fact, Father God, you provided the rental fee at half the price, the opportunity to rent the concrete grinder another day also at half price, and provided an extra day to finish this backyard project when Noel is refreshed!

Lord, forgive me my pride, my tendency towards effeciency, my vanity in wanting to save money at all cost.  Forgive my arrogance in wanting to use Noel as a tool, insisting that my way is the only way and is the best option instead of treasuring my husband as a person.

Thank you Lord, for providing a loving husband who is willing to put up with my faults, able to call me on my mistakes, willing to wait as I struggle for humility, and always present to support me in my crazy home projects.  *wide grin*  Thank you Lord God, for teaching me that I can't do everything by myself.  Thank you that Noel handled the concrete grinder... I probably would be flat on the ground with something broken if I took lead like I had imagined.  *smirk*  Lord, thank you for providing such that the 2 days of rental will be cheaper than even a full-day's rental due to the use of a coupon.  Thank you that we didn't break the concrete grinder, but since the machine needs to be fixed... Noel and I get to rest, recover, and then still complete the backyard project another day.

Truly, Lord God, your provisions and effeciency is way beyond anything I could accomplish in my own power and planning.  Thank you, Lord, that I find more joy in doing things your way and being able to work side-by-side with Noel than if I charged ahead and took everything into my own hands.  The process of being humbled sucks, it hurts to realize my mistakes, but at the same time, a relief to know I am only allowed to fall so far before you stop me and turn me around.

Lord, my pride trips me up over and over again... unknowningly, pride creaps up on me and I start to act all high and mightly when I really don't have a reason to.  Father God, open up my eyes so I can continue to find more of my pride issues/triggers, change my heart to love people more than completion of a task or efficiency or optimum money management... thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you help me out of my stubborn mistakes... and yet, take the time to teach and train me to depend on you... Thank you that I get to experience an even greater joy and satisfaction in my times of humility than when I take things into my own hands.

I ask, Lord, that you continue to change my heart to be more like Jesus Christ... to love and to care for each individual person more than any project, job, or task. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.