Medical options

Today I went to the Stanford Cancer Center.  Outside was chaotic due to the ongoing construction.  Parking costs $6 with very few spots available.

My first steps into the cancer center was enough to let me know that this was a private hospital.  Very fancy... wood floors, lots of windows, expensive flat-screen monitors, tall brightly lit open areas . . . and real orchids placed in every nook.  *drool*  Straight ahead, a person played the piano near an open staircase.  To my right, a Walgreens pharmacy.  To my left, a person offering free 15-minute massages in a massage chair!  *deep sigh*  Wondering how much my hospital is paying for this consult.  *shudder*

The oncologist says I should do a combination of two intravenous chemotherapy drugs (Gemcitabine and Docetaxel).  This chemotherapy combination has a 40% likelihood of reducing my tumors and is supposedly the "place to start."  According to her, other options have even worse side effects than what I will mention below.

There is no "cure" for my cancer, only a delay to prolong  my life.  Fun huh?  Will prolonging my life be worth it?  There's no answer.  I either chose to dive in head-first and try some kind of cancer treatment . . . or do nothing.  Neither option sounds appealing because of the the inherent risks, pain, and eventual diminished function.

If I follow through with this chemotherapy, the treatment itself is about 2 hours long (not including the lab tests and MD visits which will take over another hour) every 2 weeks for 6 months.  I'll have nausea and potential vomiting for a day or two after every injection of the chemo drugs (this side effect is modified by more medications).  Then 7-10 days after each injection, my immune system will have it's lowest white blood cell count, meaning I'll be more succeptible to infections/colds.  By around the 3rd month, I may notice side effects such as swelling and neuropathy . . . maybe hair loss, muscle pain, extreme fatigue, diarrhea, bleeding, or even harm to my kidneys and liver.  To top this off, the doctor says that I'll likely be too tired to play paintball and should stay away from large crowds and children.  *smirk*  I work in a hospital, get into very close proximity with patients, work with youth kids, and participate in a fair-sized church community.  *wide grin*  I don't plan to give up!

If the chemotherapy works, I may have a year or two reprieve before the tumors start noticeably growing again.  If the chemotherapy doesn't work . . . I go on to try other chemotherapy options... or radiation.

Either way, the oncologist expects the tumors to continue growing with eventual surgery in the future to remove any large masses that cause symptoms.  In the potential next surgery, the doctors can assess my body to see if radiation during surgery is an option.  None of these options are guaranteed to work.  *sigh*  Actually, the oncologist specifically  told me to expect more tumors to grow regardless of the treatments I try.

Father in heaven, I prayed that you'd give the doctors wisdom in their plan of action, course of treatment, and that I would trust you to guide the doctors in what steps I should take.  God, I trust that you'll answer my prayers.  So Lord, help me to listen and understand what the doctors offer.  When the decision for my treatment is offered and set, may all the doctors be in accord to the best treatment you want me to take.  Please don't let my heart be hardened to the offered course(s) of care because of my personal fear or stubbornness.  Please give Noel and I peace and comfort as we plan our future and face the difficulties ahead.

Thank you Lord God that my cancer is one in which I can comfortably live until the tumors get so large that they interfere with my bodily function or activities.  Thank you Father that I have options to choose from and a choice to make.  Thank you, Lord, for this life I have yet to live.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Planning for the future

When people hear the diagnosis cancer, many think "death," an end to all hopes and an end to all dreams.

Just saying that "I'm diagnosed with cancer" results in instantaneous frowns of concern, shock, looks of pity. The official diagnosis of cancer can bring an instant sense of hopelessness, a future prediction of endless suffering and unfathomable pain.

Regardless of the cancer diagnosis... doesn't my future end in death anyways? Can you say I won't die of a car accident tomorrow? Or maybe be physically injuried to a point where I can no longer function at work? Who can say how long my life will last or how well my life will be lived? I can't... can you?

Will I suffer? How long will I live? *casual shrug*

These are questions I haven't asked my doctors to answer. I may ask just for my personal amusement. *grin* Regardless of the answers I may receive, I will continue to plan for the future. I will continue to hope that I have the physical strength and mental capacity and emotional stability to carry out my plans... And if at some point, I loose some of what I am now capable of doing, then I will adapt. Why waste the time I have now fearing my potential future? My future may become worse than anyone can even imagine... Or my future may become even better than anyone can imagine! I will not limit myself, but I also will not ignore the potential struggles ahead.

God gave me a certain amount of time to live, and I am determined to live my life fully! Why hold back? I don't plan on living forever. I'd rather have a fun-filled and meaningful life than dying in my sleep, old and frail, unable to move. *wink*. Hopefully, I won't die young and frail, unable to move.... That would suck! But still, I trust that my Father in heaven can bring me hope and joy and peace even if my life takes the worst imaginable path... I intend to make a difference regardless of my own capabilities. God took the time to create me, I will honor my Lord in heaven by not letting my life go to waste. Hmmmm... Then again, I waste plenty of time reading manga, watching anime, and avoiding chores. *Wide grin*

Father in heaven, I thank you that I can continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to live. A human diagnosis is nothing compared to the power contained in your slightest thought. May I not be swayed by human fears, human-made hopelessness, human despair. Lord Father God in heaven, may my life be lived in your truth, your hope, your light. Help me to serve with continued strength, passion, and love... at work, at home, at church, amongst friends and family. Help Noel and I plan our finances. Give us wisdom and strength as we learn to budget our money in a three-month trial to live only on one person's budget (starting next year). Bless us with being able to continue to host gatherings of dinner and games at our home.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Having fun!!!

Today was super fun! *excited*

After work, I went over to a neighbors house. I played with their kids: Xbox games, a large floor piano, and the proceeded to squash my neighbor's kid under couch pillows topped by me! *Smirk* Then I ate dinner with everyone until Noel got back from meeting one of his accountability partners.

Later this evening, Noel and I spent time with a friend and his wife at a tea shop. Talking paintball stories brings back awesome memories! I'm so itching to play!

After our snack of tea with pearls, we went to reinflate the car'sbtire up with some air. When the guys were outside, I talked to my friend's wife.... I got so excited about talking about cars and tires that I inadvertently gave her a whole instructional lecture about the importance of maintaining the correct tire pressure, effectiveness of negative camber for fast turns, and causes of abnormal tirewear. *Sheepish grin*

Am I changing from being a 100% introvert on the Myers-Briggs test into an extrovert??? Is that even possible?

I'm realizing more and more each day how important my friendships are! In the past, I would run away from spending time with people and declare the need to rest... However, I now thrive on spending time with friends. I treasure their stories... their willingness to spend a portion of their precious time with me... The safety I find being in their presence.

So fun!!! Life feels so rich now that I look around me with open eyes. I think that in the past, I looked at myself as if I was constantly surrounded by people who would judge me... That constant need to emotionally guard myself was draining. Now, I feel accepted, safe, loved, treasured. I feel more myself each passing year as confidence and knowledge of my safety grow... I no longer feel that each action or word is being analyzed, weighed, judged.

Thank you everyone for caring so much about me!

Thank you, God, that I am so loved. Thank you that I now feel safe in the presence of those around me. Thank you for teaching me to let my guard down so that I can really live! Thank you for the trials that grow my self-esteem. Thank you for the love you first showed me through Jesus so that I can learn to love others. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die for my faults so that I can have a direct relationship with you... An all-powerful, life-changing, and loving God!

In Jesus' name, amen.

'Night peeps! =D

Medical Update

I'm going to Stanford next week on Dec 7th for my consult with one of the Stanford oncologists in their cancer center.

I'm kind of excited and kind of scared. Don't know what options if any will be offered...

These past 2-3 hours, I've been online researching more into leiomyosarcoma, available clinical trials, tumor tests for chemosensitivity and chemoresistance, types of chemotherapy attempted, side effects, potential prognosis... All this searching and no real clear answer. *shrug*. God will be my medicine, my healer, my hope.

In the meantime, I'm considering if I should pursue and try any form of drug therapy... Many of which can screw me up even worse than living as I am now. *grimace*

Lord, please guide me and Noel and the doctors I meet... Provide your wisdom in the paths I should take or pursue. There are so many options, none great... Help me to honor you in the choices I make, to follow your direction, and seek you first in all aspects of my life. If I live another 2 years, 5 years, or 20 years... I want to live my life to the fullest! I've learned that I am more joyful, more content, more secure when I actually humble myself to serve you over myself... I've learned, Lord, that you know my deepest needs and always meet those needs... That even my wants, you bless me with better.

Why, God, do I stray? If walking in your presence is the best place to be... Why do I continue to insist of doing things my own way?

Father, I know that I am stubborn, prideful, and selfish. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for blessing me regardless of my faults. Thank you for always being by my side. Thank you that I am never truly lost, never left alone, never gone from your sight. Thank you for creating me just the way I am. Thank you for this life I'm living. Thank you even for the pain and struggles that continue to grow me stronger. Thank you for taking the time to build and lift me up when I fall down. Thank you for caring about me more than I care for myself.

In Jesus' name I praise my Father in heaven, amen.

First day back at work

Physically, I'm feeling great! The actual climb up and down Mission Peak left no noticeable soreness. Yay! I've just lost all my stamina. *sniffle*

After a 2 week vacation linked up with my surgery and 6 weeks of disability... I'm worried about forgetting everything when I return to work. Will I forget something important? How will I treat my patients? Do I remember the paperwork? What processes have been changed? *slightly worried*

So what can I do? Nothing really. I know what I know and just hope to remember it all. Is there anything else i can do? I wouldn't know where to start in order to refresh my mind from a 2 month hiatus... But what I can't do, God can. So I prayed.

Lord, I know work has been super busy. There are a lot of patients and this is a short 3-day work week... Which usually means a super stressful schedule. Please help me remember the appropriate wound dressings. Help me to asses the wounds correctly. Help me do my paperwork correctly and finish by the end of the day. Help me to see patients at a good pace. I ask that you please provide for each patient treatment in a way that will help me review and remember how to do everything correctly. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

At work, I start with an hour of mandates. *deep sigh* Totally not fun! Actually, it's extremely brain-numbing. I fry my brain after just completing one mandate! However, just the process of logging into the computer triggers all the memories of my passwords, what programs to use, and where all my files are located. I even got a refresher course on how to look up patient schedules and admission information during the day.

In regards to patient care... The first patient wasn't the simple straight-forward case I had hoped for. The wound was larger, the dressing options offered wasn't acceptable... I had to call a doctor... twice... And then ended up choosing an unconventional dressing. Another patient, I got the opportunity to practice my debridement and unna boot application skills. Third patient was an educational review in layering wound dressings. Next patient cancelled allowing me time to organize my paperwork. Last patient provided me with practice in reviewing appropriate dressing changes and individualized patient education.

Yay!!! Day's done! I survived! =D

Father in heaven... Thank you for answering my prayers! Today, I received a thorough review for how to do my work. I completed all my paperwork. I had time to chill and talk with my friends at work.

In Jesus' name I thank you, God, for the blessings of bringing me back to work while providing a gentle re-introduction, amen.

Climbing Mission Peak

This past Friday night was the start of our youth group's student leadership mandatory hangout.
The goal: climb Mission Peak to watch the sun rise Saturday morning
Purpose: team-building

At 3:30am, the alarm rang. Time to get up! Ugh... I feel so tired. Eighteen people lined up to share 2 restrooms, eat breakfast, and then ready ourselves to face the morning cold. *deep sigh* A little past 5am, we start our hike. Frequently, we ran around shushing each other, hoping not to disturb the sleeping neighborhood as our excited voices carried in the quiet morning.

At first, I turn my flashlight on thinking I need light to see the path. Soon, I realized that even the quarter sliver of moon provided enough light to distinguish gravel path versus large black cow patties. Walking quietly through the dark, I look up and see stars! I haven't seen so many stars since I was little! In awe, I tried to walk while looking upwards. Occasionally, I would bump into a youth or stumble along the path's edge, depending on whoever was nearest to assist in navigating the black land mines. *wide grin*

Turning to look towards the city, I see clouds colored redish-pink from the bright city lights combined with pollution. In that area, I see no stars... The city lights are too bright. *sad face*

Climbing higher, I start to see the bay. As the sky brightens, pink turns to dusky purple. The sky appears to cast a dark blue shadow creeping ever lighter in color until I realize that all the stars are gone. When did that happen? *rubbing eyes*

A little later, about a third of the way up the mountain, I start to notice my lack of stamina. *grumble* on our way up, I actually had to call a halt more than twice because my body didn't want to keep up! I'm used to being in front of any hikes, running around exploring different views. Well, not this day! By the time we were halfway up the mountain, I was quietly panting. Every step felt weak and powerless... About every 100-200 feet, I would need to stop for 10-20 seconds to recover enough to plod on. On the steeper slopes, I would rest every 50 feet. Each step felt hard-won, each breath a controlled rasp. How much further? I'm so tired... Can I make it up? It'd be so embarrassing if I couldn't climb Mission Peak after I pushed so hard to have the whole youth leadership team climb the mountain at an insanely early hour.

Sweating, I take off my inner insulating jacket, take off my beanie, take off my gloves... *shiver*. The air is cold against my skin! The outter jacket feels icy as I put it on. Soon, I'm sweating again... My jacket doesn't feel cold anymore. In fact, I'm once again warm enough to walk with my jacket unzipped. Why did I wear so many layers? I feel stupid making everyone wear so much extra clothing.

Physically, I'm nowhere near the shape I need to be or want to be in while tackling Mission Peak... And yet, I can't give up either. As part of the leadership team, we all have to go up together, that's part of the challenge. Step by step, I struggle and fight my way up. I'm totally lagging behind, but what choice do I have? I've gotta make it up! Right foot step up. Left foot step up. Repeat. Repeat again... And again... and again. By now, I've totally fallen behind. Each step I pray for strength, pray that I don't hold the team back too much, pray that my muscles continue to quickly recover with each short break. Inside, I'm screaming with frustration... My body is so weak! I reach my hand out and Noel lightly tugs on my hand, providing just enough support so I can keep moving. This is so frustrating I want to cry... But what good will crying do? What good will screaming do? *shrug* I still have to climb.

Heavenly Father, thank you for placing different people by my side to help me climb up the mountain. Thank you for the times when I had a hand to hold, a backpack to grab (*smirk*), and different people to walk with me through my struggle uphill. Thank you for the pauses I had to take in which I could see your marvelous creations. Thank you for the beautiful pictures I could take because I had to pause for so many rest-breaks. Thank you for all the clothing every one had when we ate snacks, huddling like penguins in the freezing cold. Thank you for the beauty of the fog and the majesty revealed in your creations as the fog rolled away. Thank you that I got no blisters from wearing hiking shoes that were half a size too small. Thank you for the awesome view and the time given to appreciate even the dew drops hanging from a field of weeds. Thank you for an easy walk back down the mountain. Thank you that no one got hurt climbing the rocks. Thank you, God, for being my strength when I have none left.

In Jesus' name I praise my Father God in heaven for this opportunity to live, to struggle, to serve and be served, amen.

Oncology appointment

Yesterday, Noel and I went to see the oncologist at my hospital. I'll say "my hospital" because I also work there in the physical therapy dept... I love it there! Many of the staff I work with are very caring and good friends... they're family. *grin* After all, I spend most of my daylight hours at work... We laugh and play together, support each other when schedules get packed, we listen to each other, and we occasionally play pranks on each other. I miss work... Can't wait to go back next Monday!!! *excited*

Back to the oncology waiting room... In the half-hour long wait just to register... I was the 5th person in line. On the side, Noel played with an iPhone game, adjusting the volume to what he thought was quiet...which isn't so quiet in a silent waiting room with no other distrations. To me, the game was noisey and slightly irritating... Okay... Honestly more than irritating when just signing-in took so long, I was stressed about time and nervous about meeting a new doctor.

Still, I'm grateful Noel stays by my side. =D He's the sweetest husband I could ever ask God for! Noel is kind, thoughtful, caring, gentle, and able to put up with an irritable Kristy! *Wide grin*

Anyways, back to the doctor. Her choice option is chemotherapy, one that is shown to work with uterine leiomyosarcomas. *shrug* Not quite what i have, but the only option she could offer. She then went on to say that our hospital did not have the capabilities to take care of me, but that she knows a doctor at the Stanford University Cancer Center and also a doctor at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.

So now I wait again. *grin* We'll see who wants to take my case.

Father in heaven, I ask that you continue to guide the doctors so that I get referred to the right people at the right place and the correct time. I also ask that there will be no problems with my insurance for providing all necessary care. I'm anxious because I just want this whole cancer issue dealt with and done. Lord, please give me patience and a good temperament and a positive attitude as my emotions slowly get frayed. I'm used to dealing with issues that have deadlines and the knowledge that once something's over, it's completely done with! In this case, I can't imagine when the whole cancer issue will end or even if I can stop dealing with it... In a couple of months? I wish. In a couple years? Maybe. My whole life? Likely. Lord, the duration of this cancer issue has a timespan that is going to test my temper and my attitude... Please help keep me grounded in your truth and hope, Lord, regardless of what may or may not come.

Thank you, Lord, for the continued support of so many people! I know I like to depend on myself, but please help me to learn to accept and use the support you've provided when I really need it. Thank you so much, Father, that I'm physically healed, feel no current problems, and that my lifting restrictions end this week!!! I'm so excited! Real life again!

Father, I ask that you bless all the people who have blessed me with their support and prayers and well-wishes. Protect them and their families. Grow their families closer together. Fill their days with hope and laughter. Ease their burdens. And when the time calls for it... I ask that you provide each person also with an abundance of love and support... That by your blessing, God in heaven, my family and friends can also feel peace in times of hardship.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.