Flickering Flame

Empty moments

Broken inside

Darkness reigns

Cold dull mind

Sleepless nights

Endless days

Repeating and repeating

Shadowed self

Rocking, forward and back

Arms wrapped tight

This day just started

End, someday will

Seconds tick by

Time flows on

Eternity the present

Closing my eyes

Teeth clenched hard

Fingers clawing air

Twisting and turning

Chains wrapped tight

Escape?

Life?

Sarcastic laughter

Angry grumbles

Tired, so tired

Strength long gone

Constant struggles

Living hell

Pasteur green

Other side

One life to live

One chance to die

Wishful dreams

Barely sane

Streaming tears

Heart's shuddering shame

Anguish and pain

Screaming despair

Lost in mind

Fettered soul

Grasping hope

Lord of my life

Jesus Christ

Sanity’s light

Flame in darkness

Debts already paid

Slave to kindness

Life bought and saved

Blood, given freely

Offering to serve

Give me purpose

Lord help me live

Hands reach out

Grasping at hope

Cherished memories

Guiding light

Salvation in Christ

Hope eternal

Shinning bright

Flame of life 

Lord, Father in Heaven, I feel so broken. It's so easy to lose hope that the blessings you provide flutter away in the blink of an eye.  I want to stand strong, to face myself... but without you, I really am nothing.  

Thank you, Father God, for providing family and friends to stand by my side, to carry me when I'm weak, to remind me of you, of hope, of life.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Dinner with my co-worker friends.  Thank you for picking me up and taking me home when I couldn't drive... for reminding me of life that I still need to live.  *super big hugs*  Love ya guys!

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

But those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Total Trust

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

       Deep breath

                          Breathe in

Breathe out

             Prepare

Remember: lifting, pushing, pulling restrictions of 20 pounds. Oh wait, this is literally my second day of doing any exercise at all!  Ummm... Okay, I'm limiting myself to less than 5 pounds!  

Equipment on.  Triple check.  Ready to climb.

Leg up. Oh wait, too high.  If I lift my leg this large a step, I'll have to use my arms more for balance and pulling.  Can't do that.  Step back down... down a little more...  ahhh, leg's still too high!  Alright, placing my foot on a rock only a couple inches higher, this will work!  Leaning forward, I gently stand up.  Success!  Yay!  I moved up 3 inches... *deep sigh*  This is gonna take a while.

Wait shift right. Step. Carefully and slowly lean left.  Ah... Haven't unweighted my right leg enough... still can't move it.  Lean left more.... Gonna fall, gonna fall!  I won't fall!  I refuse to fall... Right foot up... A little more... Got it!  *Sigh* 

Relief. Rest.  Bleah... I'm still less than two feet off the ground.  *smirk*  Good thing my friends've got my back!  If I slip, they're holding my safety rope... if I slip, today, I'm not catching myself... that'll be more than my self-issued 5 pound pulling restriction.

Slowly, inching arms overhead, I place my palms on the wall. Kristy, stay balanced!  I know this is a super easy beginner climbing wall and I'm not even sticking to the proper route color, but yikes, this is harder than I thought it would be!  I even chose a wall that leans in so I don't have to hold myself upright... but dang... my balance and these slow movements are a lot more difficult!  What normally takes me a minute or less to reach the top.... well, let's just say that there's no guarantee that I'll make it to the top at all this round.  =O  Okay, try again.  Balance.  Small steps.  Lean into the wall.  Breathe.  Repeat.  Repeat again.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Blinking eyes, gray skies, blurred vision.  Am I awake?  My body feels heavy... not the bad kind where I don't feel good, nothing like that.  Ummm, how to describe it?  I feel like I got a good workout... that kind of heaviness.

Hopping out of bed, I do a quick scan: where do I ache?  Wherever I ache means the muscles got a workout.  Let's see...  lightly moving, I twist, turn, bend every joint, using every muscle from the fingertips to my shoulders.  SCORE!  No achiness!  Okay, next important area, my trunk.  Twisting side-to-side, bending forward and back... anything?  Anything at all?  Heheheeeee... nope.
Next... legs... ahhhh, my feet ache and my hips too.  *shrug*  This, I expected... a good leg workout!  (Actually, I was hoping my legs would be more sore.  I want to build up to my prior level of leg strength!)  =D

Father God, thank you for the opportunity to climb!  The stretching, reaching, bending, scary balancing, using muscles that have been sleeping for way too long... Lord, I so thank you for this opportunity to lightly get a workout and enjoy having fun with friends and Noel.  By your blessings, thank you that my body behaved!  Even though I was scared and there were a couple of times when I got really worried my body would act up... Lord, even in those times, you helped me safely reach a bathroom and you kept my body fully under your control!  Thank you for the new medicine... my body's reactions still are not consistent, but Lord, I believe that it is by your power I was able to go out and have fun!  Yesterday, each time I got home after going out, my body would act up, but not for the time I was out.  Yay!!!  Fun.  New memories. Goals.  Hope.

Thank you, Lord, that as I totally trust you to provide and come through, you do.  By trusting in you, this climbing session became possible.  Without you by my side, Lord, I wouldn't dare to schedule this indoor climbing session... in fact, as of Tuesday night, I wasn't even sure my body would allow me to be out and about!  

In Jesus' name, I praise you, Lord, for controlling my body and blessing me in so so many ways! Thank you for making what's impossible with medicine and self-control alone possible by your power and your provision!  Amen.

This is the group I climbed with today!  Thank you for keeping my safe!  =D

The me on the left is what I like to climb... nice and challenging routes.  The center me is the first route I climbed today... never climbed it before because it's too easy... but that's my level for today.  =O

Last climb of the day, more difficult, but didn't stay properly on route either.  So fun!!!

What's in this day?

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sensations of discomfort temporarily over-ridden by myself... stronger, louder, more noticeable... fingers clawing at my palms, nails scrape across skin, toes digging into the floor... a mask to overwhelm my body's own sense of pain.  A cacophony of sensations.  A struggle for control, for relief, for hope.  Marks unconsciously made... a red imprint, a new ache where none should be.

What am I doing?  Red marks, even temporary with no bruising or skin breaks... these marks come awfully close to causing superficial damage.  When did this start?  Ummm... if I had to guess, probably sometime after my most recent surgery.  Unplanned.  Unintentional.  I unconsciously and instinctively created a new way to deal with the constant physical distress of my new body by overriding the current bodily sensations with a stronger sensation under my own control.  Distraction, a very temporal form of pain relief.  Not one I recommend.  Yeah, I do want control over my body, but damage of any sort, even temporary, is not my intention! 

Every day, new marks come and go.  I didn't consciously note the cause and effect of these red marks... in fact, I remember casually noting in a muddled fashion that I frequently had red marks present.  Now that I acknowledge what I'm doing, I will not allow myself to continue!


Monday, September 9, 2013

Hey Doc... those over-the-counter meds really aren't working.  I don't run to the restroom as often, but I'm still running more often to the restroom than any normal person should!

Even now, I'm never sure when my body will act up.  A quick self-assessment, reassessment... *shrug*  No matter how much I try to anticipate my bodily functions, I don't feel safe.  Too many times, even while being on Immodium AD, my body betrays me.  Over and over again, I tell myself: "I've got this!  I have a grasp on what my body is doing now... hopefully no more problems!"  Does my self pep-talk work?  Nope... not where I can safely and consistently travel in public.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I attempt to tune myself to my body's functions, there are times when I cannot accurately gauge what will happen and when.  =S

Arriving at home, I pester Noel to help me change my car's engine oil... and oh yeah... by the way, since the car's already up... help me rotate tires too!  From Noel, I get a look.  I know, I know... I can't lift much and I can't do much... but my car's so large that I can't safely get it lifted off the ground by myself even when I'm not on restrictions!  Plus, the weekends are usually busy... and well, since Noel nicely took off work to take me to the doctor's... we've got the whole afternoon free.  Let's do this while I still feel okay!  Please?!??

Heheheee... such a loving husband.  He jacks up my car while I hoover nearby to slide the jackstands in place.  I start unscrewing the drain plug to release the engine oil while Noel runs around removing my tires.  I dictate where the tires go, Noel places them back on.  Next thing I know, I'm not feeling so great.  My stomach's churning, my head feels light, the ground appears to tilt a little... "Hey Noel, I'm gonna go lay down."  Miserable, I'm sneak back in the house while my husband torques down the tires, changes the oil filter, refills the engine oil, and sets my car back down... all by himself.

Sorry... I really needed my car worked on... but I wasn't any help at all.

Later on that night:
"Hey Noel... my new meds are finally ready at the pharmacy... they close in an hour... can you pick it up for me?  I still don't feel well.  Sorry, I know you just settled down to rest and I can't go with you... but I really want to trial those new meds... the Immodium AD isn't working today.  Can you please go get them for me?"  My poor husband, without a single complaint, gets up and drives off to pick up my new medicine.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

God, thank you beyond words for my beloved husband!  Honestly, if it wasn't for my body being so broken, I would never have experienced my husband's generosity and love to the crazy needy extent that I now constantly ask of him.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for my husband's continued health, work and extensive amount of patience!

Today, I want to shout praises to my Lord!  Lord God, you answered all the many prayers about having a medicine that will allow me to have control over my body!  At least today, the new medication (generic version of Lomotil) appears to be working!  I don't feel queasy or fatigued.  In fact, Lord, I believe by your blessings, you guided the doctors to change my medicine and enabled my body to react appropriately!  Thank you again, Lord God, for renewed hope, for safely roaming outside of the house today, for strength, for a clearer mind to focus, for wisdom in what exercises to perform (I actually did 15 minutes of light exercise... enough for a light sweat!), for safety as I drove my car for the first time in over a month... for so many blessings in this one day alone!

I lift your name and shout my praises... Thank you, Lord, for everything!  This life, this cancer, modern medicine, my doctors, my family and friends, my husband... thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes to see your many blessings, your abundant provisions and for the ability to see the good even in times of difficulty.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Got my cat, Rogue... she's hard to catch!

Hey Rogue... look at the camera... I'm trying to take a picture!

Uh oh... Rogue's unhappy.  This is right before she runs off my lap!

Highs and Lows

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

There are days when I feel my body betrays me.  Today is one of those days. Listless, I lay on the couch... Drained, dizzy, weak.  Why isn't the medicine working?  Frustrated, grumpy... I just want to give up... But give up what?  Give up taking the meds?  I don't dare! Give up living?  That sounds so silly after struggling so hard and being so blessed!  Grawr!!!

These past couple days, weeks, month, years.... I'm learning what my limits are... that with God, there are none.  I get flipped, punched, spun until the world swirls and nothing makes sense... And yet, my only constant is God's promise that he loves me so much he even sent his beloved son, Jesus Christ, to die and to rise again so that my sins are forgiven (John 3:16-17).  Easier to say, hard to remember, even harder to live it!

So much for "The American Dream," if I work hard enough, I'll succeed.  So much for the religious belief that if I believe and follow God, my life will be blessed with health and wealth and ease.  *Smirk* In fact, as I read the Bible today, it very clearly states otherwise!  Story after story in the Bible portray struggle, death, pain... But throughout it all, a common theme of God's love is at work... God cares so much he's living in all this muck and dirt and pain with us.  Yikes!  I'm totally grateful, but not something I think I would choose... to be so exposed to hurt, pain, betrayal... if I had the choice... nice and comfy sound pretty good to me!  But that's the difference between God and I... that's how great my Lord Jesus is.  Because of God's great sacrifice and love... that's why I want to follow in his footsteps... to be more than my petty self.

A single day's worth of disappointment isn't enough reason to wipe my memory of good times and God's plentiful blessings!  How can I be so weak? Looking back to yesterday, how can I let myself be so down?

Two friends from my graduate school years.... Both I haven't seen for what.... 2-3 years?!!!  Yikes!  Without much thought and only a little hesitation on my part, out we go for lunch!  Short painless drive (not the gut-wrenching bumpy ride I feared), super yummy Mexican food *drool* and then even shopping afterwards!  *Wide grin*  My beloved husband stuck close to my side, constantly asking "How are you doing?  If you're tired, let me know right away!"  So cute!  He even scouted the restrooms for me (just in case).  =D

Lots of talking.  Lots of stories and catching up.  Board games.  Comfortable. Safe.  Laughter.  Calming balm to my soul.  A time of hope and encouragement that yes, I can live this life.  That yes, God blesses me so I can appreciate the good days... to even have time to rest and recover!

So I choose, again and again, to live this life as God assigns me... As a person bound to this world, I am free.  As a person free to make my own choices, a slave to Jesus Christ my Lord.  (1 Corinthians 7:17 and 20-24)

Next step:  prepare for a crazy-long, two and a half week, vacation to Hawaii in October before settling down for (hopefully) my last set of chemotherapy.  =O

Here's me playing around with my iPhone...  Thanks for reading!  =D

Progress?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

For a while... my body felt great!  I was feeling stronger, healthier, more mobile.  Yay hope!

Now... These last couple of days, my body is taking a couple of steps backwards.  This is depressing.  I can't control how my body reacts.  So.... Instead of dwelling on what I cannot control, I will focus on what I can control.

Shuffle step.  Shuffle step.  Standing in front of a mirror, I assess my posture. Horrible!  I tell my patients to stand straight... "No matter the pain, walk as if your body is normal like everyone else."  Now am I following that same advice?  Nope!  No matter how I command my body, I can't seem to stand straight.  Forget the aches, forget the scar pulling.... Still can't stand straight! No way am I going to walk hunched forward for the rest of my life!

Okay, time for some homework!  I'm too used to laying sideways, partially curled.  Sleeping sideways doesn't help either!  First step... Tummy time! Laying on my stomach, I slowly inch my elbow under my upper body.  Slowly, slowly... Push through my elbows and shoulders I arch my back.  Yikes, this hurts!  Come on... Keep going... Ahhhhhh, I know!  Tummy time and reading manga!  If I don't arch my upper body enough, I can't read!  Incentive!

Uhhhhhh, my shoulders are shaking!  Such weak muscles!  Ummmmmm, how can I keep stretching and still read manga?  Got it!  Throwing a pillow on my bed, I carefully roll my back onto the pillow.  Facing the ceiling, I cautiously uncurl my legs... my butt finally touches the bed.  Next, my head and shoulders.  Uncurl, relax... Carefully, I settle my shoulders back.  Well, not the most comfortable position, but stretching is stretching.

Stand up.  Head high.  Shoulders back.  Chest out.  Back straight.  Feet planted.  Cool!  After a couple days of prolonged stretching, I can finally stand upright!  Hurray!!!

Right leg step.  Firm.  Muscles controlled.  Tight.  No slouching!

Left leg step.  Firm.  Muscles controlled.  Tight.  Shoulders back!  Head high!

Purposeful movements with control and precision.  I'm looking for maximal muscle usage with minimal workout intensity.  I need to make the most of each step, every muscle, every bit of freedom I've finally regained!  Multi-purpose workout...  no impact, no stress... I want to make every move count!

Lord God, please keep giving me wisdom in how to retrain my body.  Help stabilize my body for the better!  I keep thinking... "I should be better by now..."  But, thank you, Lord, that by your provision, I'm not worse than I am now!

Father, please grow me strong again before my next chemotherapy treatment. Yesterday, I did a little research into the two chemo medicines I will receive.... as expected, the usual nausea, vomiting, fatigue and hair-loss... Then there's the scary stuff like heart problems that can appear years later! Well, Lord, you gave me this body for a reason.  Father, help me not focus on what I lack; instead, give me the strength to enjoy what I have and be at peace with what I can do.

God, in Jesus' name, help me be more than I am through your strength, your power, your promise of hope.  Amen.

Able to make it to our friends' wedding!

Outside is beautiful... getting tired, but well worth it!

New Day, New Life, New Hope

Monday, August 19, 2013

Dang... 19 days have passed since surgery!  There's gotta be hope even when I feel hopeless right?  God gave me this path to live... right now, things really suck... but this can't be everything right?  This life... stuck at home... it's not a life I'd wish on anyone!  But I've gotta be grateful... this lifestyle is me, Kristy, on nothing but Advil and Tylenol.  Not too shabby huh?  There's still more options... just... until today, the doctors didn't want me to take any kind of medication to slow down my digestive system because they wanted my baseline using dietary management.

Didn't work.  Coulda told you that from the start.  That last round of chemotherapy using Temodar already messed up my digestive system... cutting my intestines some more isn't going to improve anything.  *deep sigh*  So now what?

Part of me understands the reason for getting a baseline of my body's functional capabilities... but another part of me feels very discouraged being stuck at home.  No one's trapping me inside but me and my personal sense of discomfort and constant fatigue.  Flip side... remember... there's hope, I haven't even tried medications yet!

Hope... where do I really get my hope from?  Is it from the fact that I still have options?  Well... partially yes.  Knowing that my life won't be at this level forever does give me hope.  But that's not all... life can really suck, be super painful, a horrible struggle... in the end, believing that God still has a use for my life and a purpose and a story to write through me... this is what keeps me going beyond the dark day to day struggles and even embarrassments.

Father God, thank you.  Sometimes, I don't know what else to say except that in you, there is still light and purpose... that my identity isn't in my own capabilities, my own knowledge, my own strength.  In fact... I'd be totally depressed if I based myself on me because at this point in time... none of those usual "Kristy" things exist.  I can't play paintball.  I can't work as a physical therapist.  I can't run around playing with the neighborhood kids.  I can't serve at church.  I can't go rockclimbing, camping or fishing.  I can't do so many things... so then.... what can I do?  Lord God, only thing I have left to offer is my heart.  To you, Lord, I continue to give my life.  However little this life is and however little I can actually do... Lord, in you is my identity.  In you, Father God, is my life.  So whatever happens, I just have to keep walking right?

God, you point, I go.  Nothing more, nothing less.  If you want me to run, I'll be able to run.  If you want me to walk, then I'll be able to walk.  If, Lord, you want me to crawl... then at least I know you'll give me the ability to crawl.  So Father, whatever it is you want of me, I know that you'll give me the capability to match.  So for now... this life stuck at home, it's okay because when it's time, I know you'll set me free... just help me keep my eyes fixed on you, Father, and not myself.  As long as my eyes are fixed on you, God, everything will be okay.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Finally, I get the go ahead to take oral medicines to slow down my digestive system.  Wow... instant miracle!  I'm not tied to the bathroom, I feel instantly stronger and my frame of mind is a LOT more positive!  Yikes... I'll take anything I can get!

Thank you, God, that modern medicine is so effective... that you've enabled my body to respond so quickly and easily!  Hurray!!!

Father, give me wisdom to appropriately manage my medicines, to take the bare minimum... to care for this one body that I'm gifted with as your present to me.  Lord, help me treasure the blessings of having this body, this life, these struggles.  I'm happy to know that with each passing day, I don't just physically grow stronger, but that mentally/emotionally/

spiritually, I'm growing stronger and stronger too!

Lord, thank you for a future.  I don't know what will happen... in fact, the doctors want me to start a new regime of chemotherapy... that scares me, but I said whatever you want right?  Lord, I asked you to guide the doctors... so whatever they request of me, unless you tell me otherwise, I'll take their recommendations as the path you want me to walk.  Just... please Lord, give me strength... strength in everything!

After I come back from my vacation with my family, I'll immediately start on this new chemotherapy regime.  No complaints from me... at least not yet.  *wide grin* Lord, I know this is going to be hard.  As is, even when the doctors are impressed by the strength you've given me to work during the first two chemotherapy treatments, I am told that I for sure won't be able to work once I start this new treatment.  In fact, the treatment sounds super scary!  I'll be stuck in the hospital for 5 days every 3 weeks for 5 rounds, I'll get a port placed in my chest for the IV, and I won't be able to work!  =O  Guess there goes my dreams of playing paintball anytime soon huh?

Father, even though I fear the difficulties that lay in my future... even though I fear being physically broken and incapable... you gave me this life, this path to walk... so with you by my side... I gotta be able to take it right?

Thank you, Lord God, that I'm not alone... that I will never truly ever be alone. Thank you, Father, that you've placed me in this world, but not to be of this world.  Lord, may the light of your Spirit continue to shine so brightly that all the hopelessness, all the pain, all the danger, all the despair is burnt away.

In you, Father God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit... I have my hope, my purpose, my identity, my peace.  Amen.

For those who like to research what chemotherapy medicines I'm taking.... it's gonna be these two: adriamycin and ifosfamide (I think... haven't done my research yet!)

Me, Kristy, in my messy room!  =D
 

A New Day

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day blurs into night... then it's day again.  I'm finally home!  Hurray!!!!  I'm ecstatic!

Sleeping a maximum of 2-3 hours, learning to juggle new aches with Advil and Tylenol.  No.... no Vicodin, Percocet or any of the more potent pain medications please... those make my head feel fuzzy!  A single day consists of eating, napping, and running to the bathroom.  Sounds like a baby right? That's how I feel... like I've regressed into a 6-month old:  I roll, I sit, I eat, I poop, I sleep.  Fun huh?

This new body of mine is very different.  I'm trying to incorporate my knowledge of medicine, physical therapy, nutrition, wound healing, research online...  option after option I consider, but is it enough?

I've lost over 10 pounds and my weight is still dropping.  My muscle mass is significantly less than pre-surgery!  *sniffle*  My arms are so scrawny... where are my biceps and triceps?  Okay, okay... it's not like I had that muscle to start with.  *sheepish grin*  Heheheeee... then let me try something else!  I step up the stairs two steps at a time... muscle cramping and breathing short, I pause at the top... slightly dizzy... very weak.  Drat!  This is NOTHING like after my first two abdominal surgeries.  Grrrrrrrr... the first two surgeries were a cake-walk compared to this round!

These past 2-3 days, I try eating more meat, more protein, nutrition shakes, fruit, carbohydrates, even celery... nothing seems to work.  What goes in ends up coming out pretty quick.  This sucks... I may as well be chained to a toilet.  *deep sigh*

Father God... what do you want of me?  What  can I do with this broken body of mine? How can I continue to serve?

Lord Father, I'm stuck... and I'm really scared.  The pain is nothing.  I can deal with pain!  Today, I challenged myself to not take any pain medicines... I'm more achy, but I can deal with it.  What I don't know is how to deal with eating, drinking, pooping.  Each day is a new day, a day of hope, of potential change, of new things or methods to try, of more training!  Lord, give me wisdom!  I don't want to waste this body you've given me, but I also don't know what to do.  These new changes are scary, very difficult for me to accept/handle, and totally life-changing!

Help!

Lord, Father God, even in the midst of this new challenge, I thank you for always providing.  I don't know where things are going to go or how you plan to work through my life, but I still see you moving!  Financially, you are still providing... food, you still provide... even a working vacuum-cleaner and random supplies... Lord, all this you continue to provide for my needs.  I don't know where you're going with my life and I have absolutely no idea how you're going to lead me... but Lord, I trust that your provisions are not given in vain... that even in this time and this place, you have a journey set for me and I don't want to miss it!

So Lord, where I go... where I can go with this body of mine... I completely leave in your care.  If I can step no further than 10 feet from a restroom, then so be it.  If I can again travel hours at full-strength, then so be your will.  Lord, I only ask that this trial.... this challenge I go through will not be in vain. May my hope always be in you, Father God.  Use me, Lord, use my life and my story so that your very name will be glorified.

In Jesus' name, I offer my hope, my life and my plea to you, Father God... grow me, bless me, use me, heal me.  Amen.