In Broken Hopes & Dreams

Opening my laptop, I see a sticky note.  "DO YOUR BLOG!  =P  MUAH!"

Noel went off to the church retreat for the weekend and I'm finding surprise notes all around the house.  So cute! 

But.... I don't wanna!  Actually, I already have a blog post written... just don't want to edit it and post it.  You'd think the editing and posting is easy... well, it is.  I'm just lazy.  I'd rather write a handful of journal entries than to go through it again and again to polish it.  =S 

Okay.  Okay.  Think of this long 3-week break from blogging as my birthday gift to myself.  *smirk*  I'll get my butt back in gear now.  Yup yup....

(Sitting at my computer.  Staring at the word-filled screen.  Hand on mouse.  Motionless.)

6 hours later...

July 6, 2014

"What will you be like in 20 years?  What do you expect to have?  Write each individual want, dream, hope, expectation down on its own piece of paper."

High school youth sprawl on the floor in a large circle.  Thoughtful faces.  Intense scribbling. First one paper then another flies to the center.  Quickly, a small pile of bent and creased index cards form.

"Here, lets have two of you organize all the papers into groups and label the theme of each pile."

House.  Job.  Car.  Vacation locations.  Husband/Wife.  Children.  Hobbies.  Successes.  Personal characteristics.  Money.  Stability.  Comfort items.  Material goods.  This is what these youth want to achieve, acquire and experience in their future.

Organizing the piles of what these youth want in their lives 20 years down the road, I see a reflection of my own hopes and dreams.

My eyes scan across the semi-circle of youth sprawling on the floor.  I see apathy and curiosity, alert attentiveness and casual disinterest.  Either way, no one is talking.  All ears are open to listen and all eyes pointing towards Noel and I.  Now, it is our turn to share.  Using these cards neatly organized in front of us, Noel and I will take turns sharing our own dreams from our high school days and the outcomes we experience now, many years later.

Grabbing a pile, I look at the topic:  "Husband/Wife."  Ahhhhhh, this brings back memories.  I remember laying in bed, eyes unfocused, staring at the ceiling.  What kind of husband do I want?  What kind of marriage do I want to have?  How serious am I going to be about my criteria and why?

I'd like a man who is handsome, but we all get old anyways so this will go on my "I would like but not have to have list."  My whole family is tall, so someone who is at least 5'8" to 5'10" would be great.  A man who speaks Mandarin so he can participate with my family during dinner conversations that switch between Chinese and English is ideal.  

On the other hand, there are things I absolutely will not compromise on.  I need someone who loves me and sees/knows the real me.  I have to have a man who loves God first and has the heart to follow Jesus Christ above even his heart for me because this is the type of life I want to live for myself.  I seek a man who desires to grow his relationship with God as his priority so that we can be of one heart and one mind... to truly be able to say that Jesus Christ is the head of our household in all respects, to be equals and acknowledged stewards of all God's given gifts.  I want a husband with whom I can share my entire life with.  A man to share in my future and my goals.  A man who will walk the same path I do, towards Jesus Christ.  This is my dream husband, my ideal.

Before I met Noel, there was only one man who ever made it past the barriers around my heart.  He was a childhood friend.  I can say that I really really liked him.  Back in college, we would talk on the phone every night.  Sometimes, he would come up to Davis to meet me.  One time, I even went down to LA to meet him.  One night while we were talking on the phone, I got asked the question "will you be my girlfriend?"  Happy and ecstatic, I wanted to answer "yes!"  But wait... my purpose of a boyfriend is for assessing if the man is appropriate to be my husband.  This man does not know God, much less place Jesus as first in his life.  He cannot, as he is now, be my life partner.  No matter how hard we try to work this relationship, he will never understand my heart for Christ unless he also experiences the same.  As things stand, he will never be able to be my spiritual equal, to walk in the same direction, to understand the reasoning behind my decisions, to truly know the largest aspect of my life.  I don't want to be lonely in my walk with my Lord God from the person who is supposed to walk closest by my side on this earth.

I remember having to say "no, I cannot be your girlfriend."  Trying to explain myself, telling this man that even if I cared for him... that a deeper relationship would not work out.  I remember that night, sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.  I lay huddled in my sleeping bag with tears constantly seeping out of my eyes.  Fist in my mouth, I did my best to stifle my cries.  My chest hurts.  I'm suffocating inside.  I can't believe I just let go of this someone I really really wanted to be with... but, in the long run, I would hurt more to stick with someone, who I knew from the very start, didn't walk towards the same future I seek.

Lord, to me, following you is worth this pain.  My heart twists inside, but I want to choose you over myself.  I need you, Father God, more than anything else this world offers.  Even though I struggle to let go of what I think I want, what I think I need... Lord, I know that you have even better.

You, Father God, Jesus Christ, are my goal, my role model, my purpose in this life.  You hold my true heart.  You know me above and beyond what I even know of myself.  I will not accept second best.  Lord God, you take first in my heart so give me a partner who will also place you first.  Sooth this pain I feel in my chest.  Someday, if it is your will, allow me to walk beside a man who seeks you first, and in doing so, may I have a man who can run besides me, chasing you as our sole goal in life.

Now, years later, I can proudly say that the wait is worth it.  Having Noel walk besides me, supporting me, loving me in ways I never imagined possible... I can state that the husband I am blessed with, together, we walk towards Jesus Christ.  Eyes both fixed on God.  Supporting each other when we stumble.  Celebrating together in the joys of this life.  At peace in seeing God's blessings and provisions... I have a partner, who is fully my equal, who shores up my weaknesses and I his, one who allows me to grow my strengths, one who I can lean on to let God lead in our marriage.  I am blessed with Noel, who is beyond any dream a high school or college girl could have... a husband who's goal is to live as Christ calls.  The wait is worth it.  Every year, every day, I fall more and more in love with this man God placed in my life: walking the same path, pulling at each other when one strays... always, the same goal under the leadership of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father God, you do know my heart.  You know what I can handle and provide accordingly.  Lord, as I struggle to choose you first in all aspects of my life, I get to experience your blessings in ways I've never imagined possible.  By giving up my first romance for you, Lord, I gained Noel.  For giving up racing cars, I gained the honor of becoming a youth counselor and the ability to impact young lives.  By giving my health and my future into your care, I am blessed with peace of heart and a purpose in my daily life.

Lord Jesus, in giving up my own definition of my hopes, dreams and their acquisition by my hands... In you, I have gained more joy, more love, more hope, more peace, and more fulfillment.  In breaking me of my youthful desires for my future, you in turn continue to grow my dreams even larger by changing their definitions, expanding potentials, and opening new doors.

Lord, you love me enough that you don't want me to remain as a caterpillar but to evolve into a butterfly.  The growth process is painful, sometimes disheartening... But the end result is that by your power, I can fly into a realm a caterpillar can never reach.  

Thank you, Lord, for caring about me enough to release me from the chains of this earth, for giving me new hope and bigger dreams.  Thank you for giving me a purpose to live; one bigger than myself.  Lord, as I start another year of my life, help hone my dreams.  Shape me into a person who shines so brightly with your spirit that people see you instead.  Thank you for gifting me with wings growing ever bigger, ever brighter.  Thank you for helping me fly ever higher.

Lord, following you is my dream.  Responding to and sharing your love is my purpose in this life.  You, O Lord, are my greatest treasure.  Thank you for allowing me to aim so high.  Thank you for guiding me when I stubbornly stray.  Thank you for your infinite patience and this astounding peace.

In Jesus' name, amen.

What are your dreams?  

Where does your heart lay?  

What do you treasure most?

May you be blessed to stay true to your real path, to grow ever greater your dreams and to know where your real treasures lay.

My family celebrating my birthday with dinner:

Dreaming of Paintball

Rumble.  Squeak.  The garage door opening.  They’re back! 

Rolling out of bed, I creep to the top of the stairs.  Peering down over the banister, I don’t see anyone.  Pause.  Anyone coming in?  Listening.  Nope.  Inching down the stairs, I pad over to the kitchen.  Hearing voices through the door, I take a peek.  Ah, they’re standing outside!  Slipping on my shoes, I step out to join them.

Car trunk is open with paintball guns neatly lined-up inside.  Piles of dirty paintball laundry stuffed in bags and tossed to the side.  Busy stacking the pod packs and face masks out to rinse, I watch the guys stumble back and forth to organize the equipment.  Slowly bending down, some of the guys sit on the ground with deep sighs of relief.  *smirk*  They each must have played hard.  Today, Noel took some of the young men to play advanced paintball.  Some of these young men have played with us for a couple of years… This time, they’re helping us clean the equipment they used.  LOL… did I mention… there’s a LOT of stuff to clean?  *wide grin*

Squatting down, I join in the fun.  Stories fly back and forth of shooting and being shot at, paintballs that bounce and don’t break, dodging, attacking, bunkering (getting shot at close range), running drills, shooting one-on-one… *drool*

Energy. 

Excitement. 

Adrenaline. 

The smell of broken paint permeates the air.  Dirt and paint are smeared on clothing.  Feet shuffle.  Voices rumble. 

A part of me is so envious.  I want to go out and play.  I want to hunt others down and to be hunted on the paintball field.  I want to polish my techniques: stay tucked-in tight, run fast, slide, attack, dodge.  I want to feel the breeze through gaps in my gear, work my muscles to the point of collapse, experience the heart-pounding adrenaline, eyes darting for targets, mind whirling for a better attack angle.  I miss paintball.  It’s times like this, when all the dirty gear is spread out, that I remember what my body used to be able to do.  I remember how far I’ve fallen.  I acknowledge how much more climbing I still need to do.

Someday… 

Someday I will return to the paintball field.  I will run my body hard with no concern of consequences.  I will shoot and be shot at.  I will once again crawl, slide, hide, stand and run.   I will hear my heart thumping in my ears.  I will have my muscles burn with fatigue.  I will once again put my gear on dry and peel them off soaking with sweat.  My blood will flow fast and hard.  New bruises and welts will appear.  Blood will drip from scrapes and cuts. 

Awesome.

I love playing paintball: the challenge, the teamwork, the communication.  Protecting and being protected.  A combination of patience and aggressiveness.  Paintball is more than just shooting your opponents.  Attitude matters.  Heart.  Hope.  Integrity.  Battling between a fine line of winning and losing where sometimes a slip or a random shot can make all the difference.  Luck.  Strength.  Wisdom.  Skill.  Experience.

For now, I can only assist.  I’m too tired to even make it out to the field to cheer people on, but just for now… just for this short period of time, I want to be here, right in the midst of sweaty gear, paint-smeared guns, tired players and bask in the stories of defeat and of success.

Father God, times like these I wish I was well again.  My fingers are itching to play paintball.  I crave carrying my gun and dodging paint.  As I look at my gear, my heart pounds in anticipation.  When I actually lift my equipment, not even fully geared in pads or carrying a load of paint, not even 5 minutes and my body is quivering in complaint.  After verbally assisting with the clean-up outside, I’m feeling so tired I sit at the dinner table.  Still more tired, I half-lay on the couch.  Not good enough.  *deep sigh*  Giving up, I crawl upstairs to lie in bed.

Lord, when will I recover?  When can I play paintball again?  Even just a little bit.  Father God, Lord of Heaven and Earth… give me the strength to return to work full-time and the endurance to play like I once used to.

Thank you for helping my body heal and letting me slowly get stronger.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity and the wisdom to rest.  Thank you that my most recent CT scan is clear of any abnormal growth.  Yay!!!  I won't have to see the cancer doctor for another 4 months!  Thank you, Lord God, that in you, I always have hope, purpose and goals to look forward to.  Thank you for creating me with a personality that doesn’t easily give up.  Thank you for my stubbornness, my strength in you and the courage you’ve given me to live this life. 

In Jesus’ name I give God all the glory, in good times and bad, amen.

See you all next week!  *hugs*

K

 

Aftermath clean-up of paintball equipment with Benson hanging out... this is what our dinner table looks like:

 

 

Holding Back, Moving Forward

Time flies in the blink of an eye.  Work.  Eat.  Sleep.  Repeat.

By now, I had hoped to be back at work full-time.  I mean, come on... it's been 6 months since the last chemotherapy injection! 

Accepting the fact that my body cannot handle full-time work, I concede to working only 8-hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I was hoping that by May, or at the very latest, start of June, I could return to work full-time.  I want to be a productive, fully present, member of the team at work.

Hasn't happened yet.

Every time I say that I feel stronger and I tell myself "if next week remains steady, I'll add in those extra 8 hours a week and finally work myself back to full-time!"  *super hopeful look*

Nope... every time I even _think_ something about increasing my working hours, my body rebels by telling myself it's tired.  *deep sigh*  So yeah... I'm still on 8-hours for 3 days a week.

"Rest is good."

"Your body's gone through a lot."

"Just be patient a little longer."

Easy being told, but hard to hear because there's no end in sight.  Try living this lifestyle when there's a thousand-and-one things you want to do!  I still haven't gone rockclimbing yet.  I haven't played paintball since last November!  No matter what anyone tells me, I'm getting pretty impatient with myself.

But on the positive side, I am able to do more daily activities such as cooking one or two meals a week, cleaning up a little after myself, and just sitting up with Noel to watch a movie.  The basics in life.  Simple pleasures.  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for allowing me to work part-time at my job.  Thank you that I am able to consistently work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays almost this entire month!  Thank you that I can do a little more than pure bed-rest on my days off.

 Hurray!!!

Lord, I ask for your wisdom in ramping up my activity levels.  I ask for increasing endurance to look ahead and keep moving.  I ask for the joy of abiding in you as I live day by day.  I ask for strength to continue testing my limits.  I ask for rest so I don't drop with fatigue.  I ask for the courage to keep pushing ahead.  I ask for health so I don't catch a cold.

Don't let me get lazy or complacent. Don't let me be content with what I am physically capable of doing.  Don't let me stagnate in my daily life.

Father, this life you've given me is really amazing!  Help me continue to enjoy each day.  Open my eyes to see the beauty in this life and this lifestyle.  Let me focus on you instead of myself. Give me the strength to use my weakness.  Give me the hope of seeing you in every part of my life.  Brighten my heart so that darkness has no place.  Hold me tight so I don't stray from your side.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Have a great week everyone!  I wrote three different potential blog posts, but ended up going with this one because my brain isn't thinking clearly enough to edit.  Heheheeee... *sheepish grin*

Recently, I'm playing with my newly acquired silver chains and synthetic opals.  The deep sparkle of these opals reminds me that life is more than just what I can and cannot do... what's below the surface matters.  So long as I have God's Spirit shining in my life, my life will never be dull.  Yay!!!  =D

Mika's sleeping on me.... ahhhhhh, can't get up!

Every Moment Counts

Noel is coming home.  Hurray!!!!  He’s arriving tonight after a week in Hawaii. I get two precious days with him before sending him off again for a couple of days in San Diego. Two days. Time is ticking.

Sitting in my car, I wait for Noel’s call.  I’m in a parking lot with other cars, all waiting for the signal that the person we came to pick-up is here.  Other cars come and they go.  Where’s Noel’s call?  *ring ring*  Yes!  He’s here!  Wait 5 minutes then come?  Okay.  I should pick you up at the end of the arrival area?  Sure!

I wait close to 4 minutes.  Long enough.  Time to go see my husband!  Driving over to the arrival area, I cruise until I see a break in all the cars.  Should I park here?  Naw, Noel said end of the line of cars.  Ummmm, after the break in the cars picking up passengers, I pass a bunch of taxis.  After the taxis, there’s no parking/pick-up area.  Grrrr… that first opening I saw was probably the pick-up area Noel wanted me to go for.  Nooooooo!

Frustrated and irritated, I step on the gas.  I have to circle the whole airport and redo the pick-up situation.  My meeting with Noel will be delayed and I have to deal with all these speed bumps and traffic lights.  *deep sigh*  This isn’t the attitude I wanted to greet my husband with.  I don’t want to waste my time and energy feeling bad.  What’s done is done.  Focus, I get to see Noel soon.  Kristy, pull yourself out of this mental pit, be positive!  I only have 2 days to spend with Noel, I don’t want to meet him all grumpy.  Cheer up!

I want to fully bask my husband's smile, his voice, the strength of his arms. Yay!  I'm so looking forward to having my husband home. My heart sings. My spirit dances. Thank you, Father God, for bringing my husband back to my side... Even just for a bit... Thank you for the opportunity to live by his side just a moment longer.

Father God, I thank you for this week.  That even with Noel away from home, you provided for my health.  Last week sucked and I was miserable, tired and not feeling my best.  This week, you gave me the energy to cook for myself while Noel’s gone.  I had the strength to play with two of my neighbors, teaching two girls how to make their own silver necklace using cutters, pliers, acid and even a flame torch!  I was able to make it through this work-week without dragging my feet in fatigue.  I successfully cooked for my friends from work without crashing.  This week is amazing!  Lord, thank you that even though I don’t know what my body is going to be like day to day, that you still provide for me above and beyond all my expectations. 

Lord, it’d be nice if I had this energy and strength all the time, or even the consistancy of knowing what days will be good and what days wouldn’t… but Lord, in whatever state my body ends up, I am blessed to see you always there for me… the good times and the bad.

Thank you, Lord, for this ability to know that I am blessed every single moment.  In the changing of my days, I can clearly see your provisions.  In my weakness, I get to lean on your strength.  In my strength, I get to celebrate the joy of being alive.  Each bit of time I have, every opportunity you give, I am blessed by you to really live this one life I’m given.  Help me not waste even a fraction of your blessings; I want it all.  Don’t let me miss out on how good life with you really is. 

Even as I crave comfort, consistancy, assurance of the future, strength, endurance and times of happiness… Lord, I thank you that I don’t always have those things so that I see you so much clearer and get to enjoy this life more fully.  So bring it on!  The life you want me to experience, how you want me to live, so be it.  So long as I get to be immersed in your love, your provisions, your power, your mercy, your very presence… this life is so worth it. 

I’ve gotta say, it really is true that even though my life is filled with so many ups and downs; overall, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been when I was healthy and physically independent.  Funny… to be able to say that being physically broken is a blessing.  Weird huh?

May you be blessed to know the joys of this life.  Be blessed by God eternal, to see the wonders of being alive in both the good times and the bad.  Until next week, take care!

 

Teaching two neighborhood kids how to make an opal necklace:

 

Being Broken

Lord, thank you for this annoyingly frail body.  I am a woman who can see your blessings.  You've blessed me with a husband who loves me beyond my comprehension.  Meals served in bed.  Laundry washed and separated.  Grocery shopping complete.  Dishes washed.  Cats?  Fed and cleaned.  Finances already dealt with.  Anything I want, my husband does his best to provide.  I am beyond spoiled. 

There are times I feel so inadequate.  My husband caters to all my wants and needs day in and day out... and what do I do?  Nothing.  There is nothing I can do to equal or even repay a portion of the time he spends loving me.  There is no gift I can offer in response except to do my best and love my husband in return.  Sometimes, I feel that my love alone isn't enough... I want to offer more, take some of the burden off his shoulders, but I cannot... my body fails me.

Lord God, I am amazed at the love I see through my husband's daily actions.  I don't do anything to deserve or to even earn his love.  And yet, day in and day out, he serves me without complaint.  If anything falls, he comes running to see if I'm hurt. Father God, thank you for allowing me to be physically broken so I can appreciate the love of my husband.  In him, I can see the reflection of your love for me.  In his word, his actions, his touch... Every bit is filled with his love for me that I do nothing to deserve.  I work.  I eat.  I sleep.

In such a way, Father God, you loved us first.  Through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you gave me your ultimate gift... The ability to be by your side, in your presence, to be called your child.  Your love overwhelms me.  Through the actions of my husband, I see you so clearly.  Even though I do not deserve your love, have done nothing that can earn your mercy, you still love me.  In my imperfection, in my selfishness, in my brokenness... You speak of your love for me through your provisions, your blessing of peace, your gift of hope and your assurance that no matter what I do or say, I am still your beloved.

Nothing I can do or say will make you love or care for me any more than you already do.  I cannot buy your love or earn it through tasks.  Lord, serving you is my heartfelt response to the love you first showed me.  I choose to follow you, God, not because of laws or commands, but out of a reflection of the love I have already received.

To God my Father, my Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit I give you praise.  Thank you for allowing me to see you.  Thank you for gifting me with difficult circumstances so I can see you in action.  Thank you for the reflection of your amazing love through my husband and his faithful service towards me.

I am unworthy, but I can say that this opportunity to know you personally, Lord God, is a priceless gift beyond any treasures of this world.  Thank you, God, for being my God who loves me beyond all human measures, beyond anything I can do in return, beyond anything I can earn or buy or say.  To you, Lord, be all the glory and praise.

Hanging out with Kalpana and Ngoc, waiting to get a massage:

Bad Day at its Worst

Kinda tired, but not bad; this is normal. Today, I arrive a bit late to church, missed morning worship, but in time for announcements and the main service.  Good.  I need to meet with Melissa for high school Sunday school planning. 

Sitting in the second to front row, I lean forward to get my Bible out of my backpack.  Leaning back in my seat, my back starts hurting.  Uncomfortable, I attempt slouching in my seat.  That doesn't feel too good.  I try sitting straight, no good either.  Within a minute's time, my pain worsens; it's no longer focused on my back... my whole right side hurts.  My muscles start spasming.  I get nauseous.  There's no way I can stay for Sunday service like this.  I want to go home. 

Greeting a couple people around me, I tell Melissa I can't make the meeting today.  Grabbing my stuff, I blindly stumble my way out the sanctuary.   Focusing directly ahead, I shuffle my way towards my car.  Why did I being my laptop today?  It's so heavy!

On my way out, I think I greet a couple people... I can't remember anymore.  I need to throw up.  I can't throw up.  I won't let myself make a scene!  Can I drive home like this?  I really want to be at home. 

Gingerly, I sit myself in my car.  Panting from the pain, I lean back to assess myself.  Every movement hurts; however, the main question is if I can focus enough to safely drive home.  Yes, I can drive.  I may not be able to make it all the way home without throwing up, but I can always pull over and decide what to do then.  Pain, that I can deal with; me and physical discomforts go way back.

Leaving the church parking lot, every bump in the road, every move to work the clutch, brake, gas... Even shifting the gears hurts.  Grasping tightly at the steering wheel, my fingers turn white.  My shoulders are rigid with tension.  Sweat beads my brow.  Focus.  Look at the cars in front.  Assess the movements of the cars behind and to my side.  Ignore my body. 

Separating my mind from my body's sensation, I continuously scan my surroundings.  I'm still lucid.  I'm still focused.  I'm not wavering.  Home.  Home.  Home.  All I can think about is getting home and crawling in misery into bed. 

Exit after exit pass by.  I've still got 25 more minutes before reaching home.  20 minutes.  18 minutes.  The crossover from 880 to 680 brings me to a halt.  Traffic.  The stop and go jars my body.  Waves of pain hammer at me.  Focus.  I'm still driving.  See the cars, the people, the environment around me.  I wanna throw up.  In my backpack, I have a container I had planned on returning.  Reaching to my right, I attempt to grab my backpack.  Bad idea.  Nausea overtakes my senses.  For a second, my sight wavers.  Focus.  Reset myself.  Forget the container.  If I throw up, I'll clean it later. 

Almost home.  I'm getting tired; tired of fighting, tired of ignoring sensations pounding against my consciousness.  3 more traffic lights to go and I'll be home.  Green.  Yellow.  Red.  I stop.  Bile runs up my throat, I force the acidic mass back down.  Another light, another stop.  Last light, usually green, turns red.  I stop again.  I'm miserable.  My hands are starting to shake.

Finally home, I drag myself out of the car.  Tossing my laptop and backpack in a pile, I shuffle, back hunched, to let the cats out of their room.  Gently, I crawl under the covers.  Shuddering in distress, I writhe in bed, attempting to find a more comfortable position.  There is none.  Running to the restroom, I throw up once, twice, three times.  Gross, I think I got stuff up into my nose.

At home for the past hour-and-a-half, nothing is working.  No matter what I do, how I move, what I take, the pain continues to climb.  I don't think I've ever experienced physical pain to this extent.  Fighting nonstop, no relief.  Is this even a muscle spasm anymore?  It's not stopping.  Pain, that I deal with on a daily basis... but this level of constant and increasing agony is on a whole different level.

I stare at my phone.  Should I call 911?  I'm used to getting muscle spasm, but I'd also get rest periods in between.  Now?  Unending torture with no glimmer of reprieve in sight.  Something inside my abdomen twists even tighter.  I can't process or plan anymore.  It's embarrassing, but I can't drive myself to the hospital.  An ambulance can provide intravenous pain medicine faster than waiting in the emergency lobby.  Hesitating, I unlock my phone.  Sweat beads my upper lip and my brow.  In fact, my whole body is damp.  My muscles shake with fatigue.  Why can't I just pass out?

In a daze, huddled and shaking, I actually dial 911.  In spurts, I tell the operator my address.  The ambulance is coming.  Holding the walls, I grab a sweatshirt... By the time i get out, it'll probably be cold.  Cats?  Andy will help take care of them.  Funny, even in this pain-induced fog, I can still think enough to plan for the basics. 

Phone grasped tightly in one hand, house keys in another, I unlock the front door.  Listlessly, I fold myself into a ball on the bottom steps and wait.  I think the fire department arrives first, 3 men.  My eyes are closed, fist knotted tight.  Once the ambulance comes, I feel hands supporting my arms as I stumble to the gurney. 

Bump after bump, I clench my fist and clamp my jaw against the pain.  No relief.  I keep getting asked questions but I'm starting to not understand if my answers are correct.  My mental processing is down.  Almost there. Just as we arrive, I finally get 2mg of morphine.  Lightheaded, I feel the pain recede.  I allow my muscles to relax, taking my first deep breath in hours.  My head lists to the side as I lay drowsy from the meds.  Finally, I can relax.  Narcotics are amazing.

Dosing in a room, I wait for the rest of my pain to go away.  Refusing more meds (I want full control of my own body), I wait another 4 hours before all remenants of discomfort disappear.  In and out of consciousness, I drift between blank emptiness and hearing screams of pain from someone nearby.  The sounds of a person vomiting make my own stomach churn.  Blinking slowly, I idly watch the seconds roll by; and again, my eyes close as my mind wanders. 

Now, I'm only sore when the doctors poke my abdomen.

Six plus hours pass before my brain finally starts to clear.  Testing myself, I poke and prod my abdomen.  Tender, but not painful.  Good.  Standing up, I quickly lay back down.  The movement made me dizzy with bile rising up my throat.  Wrapping myself back in my covers, I huddle until the symptoms go away.  Now, I wait to get the CT scan.  After that?  My best guess is that I'll get to go home.  I still have to work tomorrow morning... I volunteered... Gotta keep my word.

Father God, thank you that my CT scan is negative for any visible issues.  Thank you for providing friends to take care of the cats, wash my dishes and even picking me up late at night.  Thank you that the pain is gone.  I feel alive again and ready to work!

Help me sleep well tonight and wake up early for work.  Give me the energy and strength to serve.  Bless me with wisdom in how I talk and what I do.  Provide for my schedule so that I don't overwork this annoyingly weak body.  Steady my body so that I don't cramp up so badly again...going to the hospital really sucks!  Give me joy, peace, comfort and hope in your spirit.  Be the light of my life.

By the name of Jesus Christ I pray, amen. 

Monday, May 25, 2014

Yay!!!  Half day of work completed sucessfully with only my usual fatigue and discomforts.  Hurray!!!  God is amazing! 

Thank you, Lord, for giving me your spirit so that difficulties don't pin me down.  Thank you for allowing me to continue living and actively serving!

May the power and blessings of Christ be with you!  Thank you for always supporting me and walking with me as I go through my ups and downs.  I'm only where you see me now because I have all your support and the love of Christ... I know that I am never alone.

Let's keep fighting together!  =D

Daniel's graduation!

Ever Changing Days

Friday morning:

I'm going to be late for work.  Gotta hurry up!  Hey, is that my co-worker?  Moves like her.  Ummm... "Morning!"

"Good morning!  How much time do we have?"

Taking a glance at my watch I reply, "Two minutes."

With a quick glance to my right, I look my friend in the eye.  "Wanna run?"

"Let's run!"

With a wide grin, we take off.  Feet pounding the concrete and backpack bouncing, we swerve around slower pedestrians.  Fresh crisp air rushes across my face, trees slide past, pine needles crunch under my feet... Freedom.  Excitement.  Energy.  How long has it been since I've moved like this?  Way too long.  This is fun!

"Faster?"

Laughing like two children, we speed up.  Around another corner, we dodge staff members as they leave the hospital.  Slightly out of breath, we arrive at the double door glass entrance.  Time to stop running... doesn't look too good to run inside a hospital building.

Walking at a brisk pace, I swipe my badge first.  Laughing lightly, I look at the time, totally not late.  *shrug*  It's worth the run.  Today, I feel normal again.  My feet step with a bounce as I stride down the hospital corridor.  My backpack thumps against my back as I expend excess energy just for the pure fun of _moving_ again!  Grinning widely, I wave good-bye to my running buddy.  Can't wait for today to start... It's gonna be great!


Monday:

"Hey Kristy, were you tired this morning?"

"Yeah, wasn't feeling my best.  How'd you know?"

"I could tell."

Bummer... I try my best to not show my fatigue when my body just drags.  It's no fun to be around someone who's down all the time.  I want to do my best, to serve to the best of my ability... I don't wasn't to say "I can't" or "I'm too tired" unless I absolutely have to!  Well, there's my pride of wanting to be "normal."  If I give in, I may never get back to where I used to be.  I don't want to give up!  I'd rather push myself until my legs shake, my feet drag and my head spins before I ask for help.  Why?  Because each day is so frustratingly different that I have no concept where my limitations are! One day, I'll be tired, but a good tired.  Another day, same situation, same patient except my energy disappears and I can barely push through to complete my treatment.  What in the world is wrong with this body?

Bleah.

Lord Jesus, I want to work.  I love to serve and see people smile.  I enjoy how every single day is filled with little surprises.  I'm definitely not bored!  But Lord, this inconsistent body of mine is really annoying!  I'm so frustrated that I'm weaker now than when I was on chemotherapy... I should be getting stronger... But I'm not.  I can grumble, throw a fit, scream at the world... But nothing makes me better.  I want to go rockclimbing.  I want to play paintball.  I want to work without the fear that I may not be able to complete my task.

Dear Lord, help!  Give me the strength to live this life you've blessed me with.  Give me the courage to continue looking forward.  Give me hope that I'm walking the right path.  Give me wisdom to make the right decisions for when I can finally start increasing my activity levels.  Give me patience to live my life in this broken body. Keep my eyes fixed not on myself, but on you.

Oh Lord, may your love be enough for me.  Even if I remain broken, may my whole life point to you.  I'm glad that I'm not living for myself... Lord, it is only through you and in you that I find my hope, my unexplainable joy, my will to live.

Thank you for always being with me.  Thank you for the fun and the laughter even when times are difficult.  Thank you that I have this opportunity to keep living, to experience new things, to learn more everyday.  Thank you for blessing me with a purpose to live for and the ability to really enjoy this one life I am given.

In Jesus' name, I life my voice in praise to God my Father for so many blessings and for this life I get to live, amen.

Playing with henna: