Therapy Making GF Vegan Wonton Wrappers

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Finger tips burning.  Palms tingle.  Everything kinda feels numb.  How far does my neuropathy go?  Up my wrist?  Forearm?  So hard to distinguish what's "normal" anymore.  All I know is that my sense of touch is skewed. Most objects I touch have a sort of soft feel.  My cats, even the one with rougher fur... her fur feels like the softest and fluffiest pelt in the world.

My feet also ache... well, ache isn't quite the right description.   Bruised?  The blankets press my feet into the mattress.  Rolling my feet first right, then left, right again.   Arghhhh.  No matter how I shift my feet, I cant escape the sensation of discomfort.  I give up.  I throw the blankets off.  Cold air hits bare feet.  Whatevers.  I'm going to ignore all the weird signals from my hands and feet!

Tossing my legs over the side of my bed, I slide into standing.  Youch!  What in the world?!?  Do I have blisters or something on the bottom of my feet? Did I somehow burn my feet using the hot water bottle while keeping warm? Bending forward, I grab my ankle.  Flexing my knee, I flip my left foot up to check bottom sole of my foot.  Nothing there.  No redness.  No blisters.  What's going on?  Right foot?  Left foot?  Nothing there but normal pale pink skin and dry crackly-looking heels.  There's nothing on my feet!

Tentatively, I place both feet on the ground.  Stubbornly, I press my feet even harder into the ground.  I am not going to label this feeling as "pain."  Mentally, the labeling of "pain" may limit my actions.  Ummmm... Ignore, ignore.  The more pressure I place on both feet, the stronger this unpleasant "sensation" is. 

I'll never get anything done today if I dwell on the dysfunctions of my body. Ignore.  Absolutely _nothing_ is different from usual.  Get up.  Move!

Reaching out, I grab a pair of fluffy brown socks.  Keeping my feet warm may intensify the annoying signals running through damaged nerve endings... But the more circulation I can maintain, the higher the probability of my body healing.  I'll do anything to maximize recovery to my nerves!  Short-term discomfort, no matter how annoying, is worth the effort!  Plus... additional benefit: desensitization.  Try poking at the same spot, the body stops taking note of the repetitive sensations.  I'll just have to trust that in my case, avoiding discomfort is not to my benefit!

Keep warm.  Keep moving. Stay hydrated to flush out chemicals in my body. Wear soft slippers to distribute pressure and minimize discomfort.  What else?  Ummmmm, massage to increase circulation.  Done!  I'll do this all day, everyday... well, I'm not very disciplined.  *wry grin*  I will do my best to perform the above actions everyday. 

Just in case, I'll write an e-mail to my oncologist: "Besides medication, are there any other ways to manage the new onset of burning and tingling in my hands and feet?"

"I can write you a prescription for Neurontin.  It'll take 2 weeks to become effective."

Ummmmm...  *deep sigh*  I really don't want more medications.  I _hate_ taking meds.  If I mask the current discomforting nerve signals to my brain, how will I know if my nervous system is getting more damaged or is improving?  I'd rather use these annoying physical cues to my advantage... to remind me to take optimal care of my body.  No pain no gain right?  *wink*

Father God, thank you for giving me a high pain tolerance!  Each step I take, literally take, I am reminded of your goodness. I have hands. I have feet. Even though my body doesn't function quite like I want, what I do have still works... well, my body works well enough.  Gotta take and keep every bit I can right?

Lord, thank you for my mind.  Thank you that part of me thrives on challenges. Thank you for my therapist background that allows me to constantly analyze my situation, my actions, my reactions. Thank you for giving me the stubborn determination to continue pushing ever forward.

Father, today, Aleesha, will come over.  Help me to by-pass the pain and the fatigue so that I can enjoy my time with her.  Our plan is to make wontons, even the wrapper.  Father God, help us make these wrappers thin so the wontons won't be tough or doughy or thick.  Everywhere I look online, I either see gluten-free wonton wrapper recipes with an egg to bind the mix together or vegan wonton wrapper recipes using normal flour so the gluten performs the binding. Today, Father God, help us successfully create a gluten-free and vegan wonton wrapper that is super thin and tasty!  Give me wisdom, patience and the correct touch to make these wontons!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Okay!  Let's start!

Ummmmm... Binders to replace the gluten are products like applesauce -too runny... Oil - how in the world is that supposed to hold the dough mixture together?... Flaxseed meal in water -cold water in most recipes makes this mixture slowly congeal, but sometimes, the mixture is too wet.  Then how about flaxseed meal in hot water?  Maybe this mix will be more solid?  Wow... flaxseed meal in hot water congeals fast!  Kinda looks gross though.  *shrug*

Hmmmm... If time is needed for the flaxseed-in-water mixture to congeal... Does that mean everytime I break these bonds with mixing, I'll have to let time pass so the sticky bonds can reconnect?  Theoretically sounds right I think... So long as the binding or thickening reaction is not a one-time deal. *fingers crossed*  This better work!  I refuse to give in and use an egg.  Absolutely refuse!

Next, I bought some gluten-free all-purpose flour online from www.Julesglutenfree.com.  I want to try the commercially sold premixed flours first.  My goal is to get an idea of the potential of gluten-free "flour" mixes before attempting the thousand-and-one options available on the internet to mix my own.  The benefits of this flour by Jules?  It contains all the flours and starches I can easily get near my home while including xanthum gum, a binder which also allows mixing of different materials like oil and water.

Cool... Let's mix the wrapper dough first, then let the dough mixture sit and bind while we flavor the meat filling!

Oh Lord, thank you that I was able to by-pass the constant pain and have fun! Aleesha and I successfully made gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers!  With that single mixture, we made: chicken wontons, chicken potstickers, green onion pancakes and cranberry pancakes!  Yay!!! One type of dough for all 4 products.  How cool is that?!?

Thank you, thank you, Lord, that you provided the knowledge to handle this dough mixture.  As the dough started to dry out (even covered by plastic wrap), the drying starch started squeaking while we rolled it!  The dry dough, which looked fine, actually squeaks!  Wow... thank you for the noisy signal to mix more water into the dough and the wisdom to let it re-rest and bind.  Thank you, Lord God, for a very usable, multi-purpose, dough mixture!

Father God, thank you that I am still able to have so much fun in the midst of constantly changing physical dysfunctions. Thank you for always giving me fun things to look forward to and people to spend time with.  Thank you, Lord God, for giving me hope.  For giving me yummy food to eat.  For giving me time to rest.

Father, each week, I feel more and more tired.  Sitting isn't so bad, but standing... Lord, I feel drained so quickly.  As each day passes, am I getting weaker because of the chemotherapy still in my system?  Or am I getting weak from laying around and "resting" so frequently?  It's funny... I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time.  Father, my muscle mass is building up, but the duration I can use my muscles is getting exponentially shorter... It's like my energy capacity is shrinking... Almost as if the more muscles I have, the quicker I burn through my limited energy resources.

Lord God, please give me patience with myself.  Help me to not get frustrated with my limited mobility.  Help me to not get depressed as my fingers go numb and my thoughts become unclear.  Lord, give me strength of heart and courage to keep picking out the positive aspects of my life. Help me to live my fullest with smiles, laughter, joy and peace that comes only by following you and seeing you in action.

May all the glory and praise go to you, Lord.  Thank you for always providing abundant blessings.  Thank you for all the wonderful support I have in my life. In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.

Aleesha slaving away at making wontons!  =D

Gluten-free vegan wonton wrappers... look how thin we got them!  =O

Look at what Aleesha and I made!  Hurray!

Dinner: chicken wontons in vegetable broth, potstickers and pineapple chicken fried rice. *drool* (we already finished eating all the green onion and cranberry pancakes!)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! 

May you and your family be blessed with good memories, intentional conversations, laughter and abundant smiles this year and next.  Thanks for reading!  *hugs* --Kristy

Gluten-free Vegan Snickerdoodle Cookies

Friday, December 12, 2013

When I think about baking, my first thoughts turn to cookies.  Warm, soft cookies!  *drool* 

What better basic cookie than Snickerdoodles for the festive Christmas Season?  I know, I know... better to start with something more basic to get a good understanding of how ingredients work right?  Bleah... that's too boring and too slow.  *smirk*  I'll learn from my mistakes quicker... and hopefully still be able to pinpoint what ingredients need changing.  =D 

Flipping through multiple online sites, I scribble one Snickerdoodle recipe on the back of a random paper.  Hmmmm... but this recipe uses eggs and doesn't look soft enough... I like soft cookies!  But wait!  Kristy never sticks to the basic recipe because I find that usually they're too sweet, too dry, something is not to my liking.  Plus, understanding the basics of what makes a cookie, in this case, gluten-free and vegan, I will hopefully gain a better understanding of the materials I'm using... or so I say.  In reality, I'm just impatient and stubborn.  *wide grin*  I want the cookies _my_ way. 

Let's see... More recipes.  Some normal, some gluten-free, most aren't dairy-free and egg-free.  Alright, now time to combine!

This is what I decided to try:

2 cups blanched almond flour (just bought some through the mail)
(should have added 2-4 Tablespoons of sugar?)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Dash of nutmeg

1/4 cup coconut oil (can use any variety of butter or shortening, will try vegan butter next time)
2 Tablespoon maple syrup (honey or molasses okay)
1 Tablespoon flaxseed in 2 Tablespoons of warm water (can use applesauce or 1 egg)

Cookie coating: 1 Tablespoon cinnamon mixed with 1/2 cup sugar (probably decrease the cinnamon and add some nutmeg?)

Okay!  First easy step... mix all the dry ingredients together.  Done!  That was the no-brainer part.  Ummmm, the coconut oil is solid at room temp.  I can't remember if it's okay to melt...  or does it need to stay solid?  I know in pastries and pie crusts, the oil product is solid for flakiness, but cookies need to be soft, not flaky right?  I can't remember!!!  Drat... but considering the optional substitutes, shortening and butter... all solid products... I should probably keep the coconut oil solid too. *deep sigh*  That's a LOT more work. I'll just leave the coconut oil for last.

Let's see... the flaxseed in water mix is coagulating nicely as a thickening agent.  Ah, I'll just dump the maple syrup in here.  Mix.  Mix.  Stir.  Stir.  Dump into the flour mix.

Now I'll deal with the coconut oil.  Using a handy butter knife, I hack and chip at the solid coconut oil in the jar.  Little bit by little bit, I chisel the solid hunk of oil, eye-balling the amount in my bowl.  Hmmmmm, that looks about 1/2 cup, actually if packed, a little less.  Oops, I was supposed to put 1/4 cup of the coconut oil?  *shrug*  What's done is done.  It's not like I can put the oil back into the jar.

Mixing with a hand-held mixer, looks like everything's coming together... everything except the lumps of coconut oil!  I'll still go with the concept that the the oil shouldn't be melted.  So fork and knife it is!  The fork to squish and break and mix the coconut oil into smaller particles.  The knife to cut and scrape.

Am I there yet?  Oh wait, there's a note to put the mix in the fridge before I shape it.  Fine.  Casually, not bothering to cover my crumbly mix, into the fridge it goes.

30 minutes later:

Alright, I already mixed the cinnamon and sugar.  Why do I need a bowl of water?  I wrote a note to dip my cookie dough into the water and _then_ into the cinnamon/sugar mix.  Why bother with that extra step?  Puzzled, I get the water anyways.  All the normal Snickerdoodles I've made never needed any water.  It's always been a simple shape into a ball, roll into the cinnamon/sugar mix, place onto the cookie pan, squash and bake!

Cookie dough here I come!  Out of the fridge... well, everything still looks the same.  Using my hands, I start kneading the mixture.  Attempting to do my usual dough kneading, I find myself crumbling the mixture instead. Ahhhhh... the dreaded non-gluten and no egg formula.  There's no gluten nor egg to really hold the mix together.  Gather.  Pat.  Shape.  Carefully, I press the mixture into one cohesive lump.  Each time I press too hard, the "dough" crumbles in my hands.

Pinching off enough to make a cookie, I pat and shape the mixture into a ball.  Toss.  I dump the mixture into the cinnamon/sugar bowl for a nice yummy coating.  Or at least, that's what was supposed to happen.  Instead, a third of my cookie chips off and nothing really sticks to the cookie dough. Ahhhhh, guess that's what the water's for.  Shoulders drooping at the thought of an extra step, I regather my broken cookie, shape it into a ball... but wait, if I squish the cookie ball on the cookie sheet... won't it crumble?  Attempting just that, I watch the cookie break and crumble.  Bleah, that doesn't look any good at all.  Why not just shape the cookie in my hands?

Once again, I gather the cookie mixture in my hands.  Roll.  Press.  Shape.  Reform so there are no cracks.  Tada!  Nice flat circular cookie in it's final ready-to-eat format.  Dunk in water.  Flip.  Dunk.  Toss into the cinnamon/sugar mix.  Filp again.  Hmmmm... not enough sugar... mostly cinnamon sticking to my cookie.  Ummmmm... there!  I'll sprinkle some cinnamon/sugar mix onto the baking sheet first, lay my coated cookies on the sheet, then pour the rest of my cinnamon/sugar mixture over everything.  *smirk*  Sounds good right?  *drool*

Bake with the oven preheated to 350F.  Hmmmm, I wrote 12 minutes on my paper.  However, I know I'm never satisfied with the baking time... okay, let's put the cookies in for 15 minutes!

15 minutes later, I stick a chopstick into one cookie.  Is it done?  Ummmm, the mixture by itself is crumbly and not sticky so I can't tell.  Leaving the oven door open, I let the cookies cool for 10 minutes.  Tentatively, I grab the edge of the closest cookie.  Instant crumblage!  Well, this makes it kinda hard to eat.  Oh yeah, this is what people mean by no gluten!  *sigh*  According to the research I've done online, I've gotta let the cookie cool down even more for a cohesive single cookie unit.  Bleah... this process takes soooo much more time and care than the regular Snickerdoodle with gluten.  Well, this better be worth it!

Future trial:  add sugar to the cookie mix for more sweetness.  Use less coconut oil or use butter (vegan butter in my case) for a better flavor?  Maybe applesause for more moisture?  But will it make the cookie too dense?

Lord God, baking is so fun!  I don't have a good grasp of the materials I'm using, but at the same time, I'm learning a LOT.  Cooking... or rather baking... gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free is a huge challenge, but thank you for all the information on the internet.  Thank you for the fun I get to have in mixing new concoctions.  =D  Lord, you've created so many different ingredients... each with their own flavor, own use and purpose.  Wow.  I thank you, Lord, for the time and this opportunity to really dig in to a whole new world of baking.  Thank you that so far, most of the cooking I've done results in edible and at least decent mixes.  So far, the only item I trashed was when attempting to make green onion pancake with the almond flour and water mix... gross!

Father, I ask for continued wisdom as I delve into this new world of baking (and cooking) without gluten, milk-products and eggs.  Give me a positive attitude, a heart to keep experimenting and yummy food to eat.  Help me also make yummy soft cookies!

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Here are some pictures.

This is my "dough"... so easy to crumble!

Already baked and still hot... see how it breaks?  I made the snickerdoodle cookies all different sizes and thicknesses to test my future preference and baking time needs.  Didn't seem to make a huge difference.  *shrug*

 Another day of cooking with friends:

Carol and Christine using plastic wrap on the table so the dough doesn't stick.  Soooo much easier to clean.

Look... green onion pancakes that don't puddle!

Washing Dishes

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Noel's day:
Feed Kristy in the morning
Make sure Kristy drinks water and takes medicine
Heats up hot water and places water in a bottle to keep Kristy warm
Braves the cold for work
Goes grocery shopping
Comes home for more Kristy care 
Cooks dinner and preps lunch for next day

"Noel, it's okay.  I'll do the dishes.  You can just leave them there."

Two days later... the dishes are still present.  Well... actually, now there are more plates, utensils, cups and pans than before.  Yikes!  Dishes sure pile up fast in only two days.  Disgruntled, I stand at the sink, staring at the pile of plates, utensils, pans, containers spread over the counter, piled in the sink, balanced on a bucket.  *deep sigh*  These dirty dishes sure aren't going to clean themselves... the last 2 days have proved it!

Angling the parabolic space-heater, I aim the heat directly towards the sink where I plan to stand and wash the dishes.  Grabbing the sponge, I pump the dispenser and glob on tons of dish detergent all over the sponge and my hands.  Perfect!  Gently, I start with the cleanest, most non-oily, dishes I can find to help clear space in the sink.  One mug, then two.  A tall glass cup.  A small glass container and it's plastic lid.  Two light plastic tupperwares.  Ummmm... something's not right.  Why does my heart feel like it's pounding away a mile a minute?

I move my left hand over my right wrist... wow, my heart's thumping.  Staring at my watch, I start counting my pulse.  Forty beats in fifteen seconds... what?!!!  I rarely count that many beats!  Let's see... 40 x 4 is 160 heartbeats per minute.  =O  Usually, my heart doesn't beat that fast unless I'm running around like crazy and sweating!  Washing dishes is not what I would ever label as a workout.

Leaning forward, I rest my forearms at the edge of the sink.  How about if I wash the dishes even slower?  Not like I was scrubbing pots or anything... but if I slow down some, will my heart-rate decrease?

Gently, I swirl the sponge over a small plate.  Rinse.  Three forks, two steak knives, a chopstick.  Rinse.  I can feel my shoulders droop forward.  My respiratory rate is speeding up.  My back starts to bend under my own bodyweight.  I'm _tired_... my legs are starting to feel like jelly.  This dishwashing chore isn't going to work.

Stumbing slightly over my own feet, I stand in front of the heater.  Almost crumbling, my legs fold until I sit... one leg folded across the floor, the other leg bent to prop my right arm and head.  I'll just sit here and rest.

Panting slightly, I take my pulse again.  Well, this time, my heart rate is only at 120 beats per minute.  Better, but it still sucks.  I did nothing I'd consider a workout to get my heart rate so high.  Wow... am I that weak now?

Lord God, even as I write this blog... I can still feel my heart thumping, a uncomfortable pressure in my chest, a slight quickness of breath, a heaviness in my limbs, a shakiness in my fingers.  Is this what it's like to be weak?  Is my body that frail?  I feel old, worn out. Where's the energy I'm used to?  Until now, I've always been able to dig an extra spurt of energy from some unknown storage.  Is it gone?

Father God, I know people say to rest... but I'm used to puttering around the house as my "rest."  Wash dishes, climbing stairs... these are not things I've ever considered as exercise.  But for now, I guess I should re-label any activities as exercise.  Yesterday, I was surprised at how tired I became after only sitting for four hours... the rest of the day, I spent in bed.

Yikes, I'm at a level of some patients I used to work with in the hospital.  I never thought I'd ever consider myself physically weak.  *smirk* Should I test myself?  I wonder how much I can lift or carry now?  How far can I run?  How many flights of stairs can I climb?  Ahhhh, it's really depressing to see how weak I really am.

God, help me not focus on what I cannot do.  Instead, help me continue to focus on what I _can_ do.  I'm not sure if I'm able to improve my strength and function while on chemotherapy... but at least, I don't want to get any weaker than I already am!

Lord, give me strength.  Strength of body.  Strength of spirit.  Strength of heart.  In the name of Jesus I ask, amen.

Sitting in the sun with my two cats.  =D

Another Day at the Hospital

December 4, 2013

Hands crackling.  Skin crisp.  Fingertips are numb.  Lotions and creams don't work.

My legs  feel heavy.  Ankles swollen.  My body's filled with fluid.  Still wearing compression stockings.  Still exercising.  Last night, slept with hands and feet elevated.

With trembling hands, I type.  Heart pounding.  Brain fogged.  Sleepy.

Constant airflow.  So dry.  My eyes ache.  I throw the sheets across my face to retain humidity. 

Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  My Machine feeding me liquids goes off.  "Air-in-line" it reads.  My roommate's alarm also goes off.  A cacophony of noise, slightly off beat, one rings then the other.  

A nurse is called.  Line fixed.  

Ah, time for more pills.

My body's shedding the excess water... Bathroom trip again.

Sitting in bed.  Lazy.  Staring at nothing.

Lord God, time ticks by.  I struggle to function, to think.  Thank you that I'm steady, that I don't need help to use the restroom.  Thank you for nice medical staff who are willing to listen and adjust my meds accordingly. Thank you for a husband who's willing to bring me outside food as I've eaten all the options here in this hospital. Thank you, Lord, for making this hospital stay tolerable.

In Jesus name I give my praise, amen. 

Gluten-free Cooking

Thursday, November 21, 2012

The more I'm told I can't eat something, the more I want it!

As each week passes, I'm getting more and more sensitive to the smallest amount of gluten present in my foods.  Booooooo.  This sucks... but cramping up and feeling like my abdomen is the remnants of a punching bag is so much worse!  No more soft stretchy bread.  No more regular soy sauce.  No more easy fast food.  No more  walking by a plate of snacks and stuffing it in my mouth.  No more wontons, potstickers and green onion pancakes!

I refuse!  I absolutely refuse to limit myself.  Not like my food choices are the most healthy, but I LIKE eating them.  *wide grin*

First step, learn what gluten-free cooking is like.  I need to use the basic gluten-free ingredients available to understand the groundwork of my new diet... then springboard out from there and modify my cooking techniques to match.  Sounds good right?

Yeah... like I'm that patient.

Forget the simple cooking with spices, veggies and meat.  I want potstickers and green onion pancakes!  The classic Chinese foods that I grew up making and eating.  Today, with the help of my sister, mom and dad, we'll embark on this new adventure together!

Okay.  Basic of the basics, store-bought gluten-free flour... no self-mixing, not yet.  Pouring the entire package into a metal bowl, I stare at the contents. Growing up, my family and I have _always_ made huge patches of everything. Planning for left-overs to eat later is our standard.  However, this little portion of flour, barely even two cups, sat in all its expensive splendor, looking even smaller for sitting in a large bowl.  Ah well, next and only ingredient my family uses with the flour.... warm water.  Why warm water you ask?  The partially "cooked" dough works great with the green onion pancakes so the middle is never undercooked.

Warm water, warm water... in it goes!  Pour a little water, mix to combine with the flour.  Add a little more water and stir until the entire mixture is even and just barely wet so that no dry flour is visible.  Nice!  This looks like normal dough... what was I worrying about?  Reading all the information online, I expected the gluten-free dough mixture to have issues.  What issues?

Scooping out a handful, I plop my dough onto the pre-floured table.  Rolling pin ready?  Squish!  Roll.... ummmm.... roll?  The mixture isn't rolling!  In fact, I stare in horror as the mixture sticks to everything it touches!  Within half a minute, my dough goes from a round ball to a sleek-looking and shiny... puddle.  There's no other way to describe it.  My mixture is puddling right in front of my eyes!

Forget my dream of potstickers... this stuff's not going to keep it's shape at all!  I know this flour is based primarily on brown rice flour... but I didn't expect the results to look just like when I play with glutinous rice flour to make mochi.  =S

I'm sad, but I'm stubborn too!  I've already got a whole bowl of thinly chopped green onions... there's no way I'm wasting food!  So fine, if a rolling pin doesn't work, I'll use a butter knife!  Calmly, quietly, stubbornly, I use my butter knife to spread, chop, push the amorphorous mixture into the largest, thinnest, single-piece of dough I could create.

Besides me, my mom rolls her dough in the palm of her hands.  She stops. Drip.  Drip.  Drip.  The mixture dribbles through her fingers and plop, lands on the table.  In bemusement, I watch as my mom scoops up her ball of dough and repeats the process with the exact same results.

"Hey Mom... are you going to try and roll your dough out?"

"This dough won't roll.  It's already too wet so I won't add the oil.  Why don't we just mix in the green onions and salt?"

"But Mom, it won't be the same!  The purpose of rolling the dough out so flat and thin is to add oil and create multiple layers!"

"There's no way you can add oil.  This thing won't roll.  You can't make the layers."

"Okay... how about this... you try your way and I try the traditional way you taught me.  Let see what works and how things taste.  Sound good?"

Glancing to my left, I watch my mom scoop a pinch of salt and some green onions.  Dough dribbling left and right, she mashes the whole mixture together.  Rolling it into a ball, she places her finished product on the side, ready to cook.  Oops... her mix is visibly flattening and the edges are running!

"Dad!  We need your help!  Mom's green onion pancake is running away!  Can you pour some oil, heat up the pan and fry this thing?!?"

Grimacing at my dough, I watch it sitting in a puddle in front of me.  Where'd my ball of dough disappear to?  Large.  Shiny.  Watery.  Goodness... is it even possible to make green onion pancakes?  My idea for potstickers is already out the window.  *shrug*  I'll MAKE this work!  Pouring oil onto my wet-looking dough, I smear it over the whole surface.  Well, this oil layer is _supposed to_ create layers... ummmmm, this looks like a mess.  Well, not just a mess... this looks very, very wrong.  Stubbornly, I keep going.  I sprinkle an even layer of salt over the oil.  Next, spread a generous portion of green onions over the entire surface.  Oops, gotta fill the edges too!

Quickly, I attempt to pick-up a corner of my dough to start the rolling process.  No luck.  This whole thing is literally a soft puddle!  What to do?  A plastic scrapper would be more efficient, I don't have one.  Butter knife to the rescue!

Holding my breath, I scoop one end of my doughy mess and fold a centimeter of one straight edge back on itself.  Standing back, I watch it start melting in on itself.  Ugh... gotta hurry!  Scrape.  Fold.  Scrape.  Fold.  Forget rolling this dough into a log or a snake-shape... I'm doing my best to keep this whole thing together so it doesn't puddle in on itself!  Fast.  Faster.  Scrape.  Fold. Scrape.  Fold.  Done!  I've got the long snake-shape!  Quickly, I grab one end and start rolling.  This step looks like I'm making a large snail.  Success!

I lift my coiled dough mixture high overhead.  I did it!  Ugh.  Oil is dripping between my fingers.  Looking at my nicely coiled snail... well, it's not that anymore.  My green onion pancake is dribbling oil and looks nothing like it should.  In fact, my whole mixture looks like it's melting!  Are the layers even there?  I can't tell.  The mixture in my hand looks like a wet mess of dough with oil and green onions trying their best to escape.  This whole mixture isn't even cohesive enough to maintain any shape!

"Dad... is the pan ready?  Is the oil hot enough?"

"Give me a little longer... it's almost hot enough to cook"

A while longer huh?  My mixture now _is_ a puddle... there's no way I can even finish the last roll into the proper 3/4 centimeter, supposedly round, classic green onion pancake shape.  Instead, as soon as the pan's ready, I intend to dump my mixture into the pan and let it puddle itself into the proper thickness.

Amazing.  Thank you, God, that today, we were able to at least have one semi-successful Chinese food type item!  Lord, the potsticker filling... well, that's now in the freezer for another day.  The green onion pancake... yikes, Lord God, when you created gluten, you created an awesome product that cannot be imitated by anything else!  The green onion pancakes, although very difficult to make, still tasted wonderful!  I little crunchier on the outside and fewer layers on the inside, but still pretty good!

Sorry Mom... the single piece version just doesn't taste the same without the layering effect.  =D

Father God, thank you for my wise sister, Jessica.  Not only did she teach me how to use spaghetti squash as noodles, she made a super yummy meat-filled spaghetti sauce that saved us from eating only carbohydrates for lunch!

Lord, thank you for a wonderful, fully supportive family!  Thank you for today, filled with laughter, time to experiment with a very different product and most of all, thank you for blessing me and my family with new ideas in how to cook!

Father, I know when I first realized my sensitivity to gluten, dairy, egg, alcohol, some fruits... and who knows what else... I remember being shocked. Numb.  I felt totally defeated and hopeless.  But Lord, you are so good to me. Beyond the basics of veggies, meat and spices... you provided friends at church we showed me that gluten-free soy sauce exists.  You provided multiple friends who also have gluten sensitivities and they helped guide me through this landmines of a gluten-free, veganish, but still meat-eating, world.

In Jesus' name I thank you, Father God, for ideas, for so much support, for this time to learn a new lifestyle... thank you so much for hope and good food!


Monday, November 25, 2013

Did I say that I'm stubborn?  I want to make those potstickers and try a gluten-free dough that can be rolled!

This is the mix:  2-1/2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons of xanthum gum, pinch of salt, 2 eggs and water as needed to create the dough... this time, we mixed as dry as possible.

Father God, wow... what wonders the xanthum gum and the egg does in binding this dough.  Thank you, Lord, for these options.  I know I'm a little sensitive to eggs, but just a little this time okay?  I really wanted to see what would happen!  Father, even though everything rolled out nicely... the results were a little dry.  But that's not the point... it is possible to make potstickers and create proper layers in a green onion pancake!  I'm sure with more refinement and practice, I'll eventually be able to make both these dishes to be very close to the original.  I'm very excited!

Lord, thank you for friends and family who are willing to be adventurous with me... to venture into the unknown and base their meals on a potentially unsuccessful cooking experiment!  Thank you, Father God, for the laughter, the fun, the challenge of living this new dietary lifestyle.  Thank you, Lord, for providing so much gluten-free products so that I can fully stock my kitchen at a very reasonable price!  Thank you for books and online access to many tips and recipes so I can learn techniques in this new style of cooking.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Next step: gluten-free vegan dough!  I plan to make green onion pancakes and potstickers using gluten-free flour (brown rice, potato starch and tapioca starch pre-mix)... maybe 2 cups, 1-2 teaspoons xanthum gum, 2 eggs substituted by 2 tablespoon flaxseed meal/flour in 6 tablespoons of cool water (let sit for 2 minutes to thicken), maybe some applesauce for additional moisture and warm water as needed.

Think this'll work?  Conceptually, this recipe should be more malleable compared to my first attempt and more moist compared to my second attempt.  =D

Jessica, me, Dad, Mom

This is the gluten-free flour and water mix.

See how runny this dough mix is?

These are the green onion pancakes

Thanks Jo Ann and Andy for helping me experiment!!!

Gluten-free flour mixture with egg... see how it has shape but still cracks?  I miss gluten.

A little tough and dry, but still potstickers!  See the different shapes?  Anything to minimize the cracking potsticker skin!

Morning at Home

New Video: Kristy gets a haircut!
Thanks Stephen for doing such an awesome job compiling this!  Video can also can be found in my video corner... look to the right of your screen.  =D

Monday, Novemeber 18, 2013

Warm.  Soft.  Comfortable.  Drifting in a haze of  *beep* *beep* *beep*  "Hmmmmmm..."  Burying my head deeper into warm comforters, I attempt to ignore the intruding sounds of an old alarm clock.

The body besides me flings out his arm, hitting the snooze button.  Grumbling at the seeping cold, I cling tighter to my pillows, seeking warmth.  Arms and legs reach out, blindly grasping, winding tight around the only other warm object available, my husband.  Twinning tight... I'm not letting go!

Quiet.  Peace.  Radiating warmth.  I relax and submerge myself back into vivid dreams of real people and fantastically impossible situations. This must be a side effect of the chemotherapy because I only ever get these crazy half awake, half asleep dreams each week I first get back home.

Drifting in warm gray fog, real or not, I don't care.  This is comfortable.  Diffuse light flows softly, calmly.  Nothing harsh, nothing sharp exists here.  Nothing to fear.  Nothing to worry over.  I'm content to stay like this forever!  What?  Cold seeps in, reality intrudes. My warm heat source is moving!  Nooooooo!!!  Dazed, I feel warm blankets tucked tight around me. A flutter of cold air and a smaller blanket settles around me, lulling me into its warm embrace.

In the muffled distance, I can hear my husband getting ready to start his day.  So soon?  Plantively, I offer a token grumble of protest.  No effect.  Bummer.  A new day.  What dragons will I face this time?  Slowly, I prepare.  Layer on layer of expectations, resolutions... list upon list of intentions.  Armor.  Guard. Shield.  Heart.  Okay... think I'm prepared to face the day.

Thump.  The bed shakes.  Careful.  Slow.  Determined.  A heavy weight approaches.  Nooooooooooo, I don't want this, not right now!  I'm not ready yet!  The bed dips.  Closer and closer.  Up my leg, then my hip... finally, settling on my upper chest.  Face tucked close with mine, my cat, Mika, pads at my neck and purrs.  Soft.  Fluffy.  Whiskers in my face.  Glowing eyes stare deep into my sleep-glazed eyes. Ugh.  So heavy.  Paws constantly moving, demanding attention, demanding to be petted and cuddled.  A distracted glance, that's all it takes.  Mika stealthily creeps forward, closer, even closer.  A paw lands on my face.  Annoyed, I wiggle to dislodge the unwanted bulk.  Insufficient.  Against Mika's determined will and my half-hearted attempts, I loose.  Soft, cute, furry... Yeah, all that and _heavy_ too.  Grrrr.... get that fluffy butt OFF my face!

"Good morning Ma'am.  I have your breakfast.  What is your name and birthday?"  Huh?  What?  Heavy Philipino accent?  I'm home right?  Or am I dreaming and I'm still at the hospital?  Argh... where am I really?  Rolling towards the voice, I crack open one eye .  There's a cat, I've gotta be at home.  Through dense fuzzy fur, I see two arms outreached, a silhouette with his back hunched forward and a steaming bowl of what smells like chicken soup.  Blinking away my mental fog, I watch my husband as he stands there watching me.  What in the world?  His body language looks just like the service staff at the hospital offering me food!

Bursting out in laughter, I reply "Kristy Esporo.  July 5th, 19**."

Humph, thought you're gonna figure out how old I am huh?  You really wanna know?  Too bad for those who don't already know.  *smirk*

Thank you, Father God, for a wonderful husband who daily serves me breakfast in bed.  Thank you for his constant sense of humor, his positive attitude, his loving heart.  Lord, you've blessed me beyond measure.  Because of your provisions, my husband and I can wake up laughing.  Because of these many gifts you've given us, we don't have to wake up in the morning and worry about what the day will bring... we know that you've already provided and will continue to provide.  Any worries we may have are just a slight drop in the calm pool of your all-powerful presence.

Lord, I am overwhelmed by your love.  So deep.  So impossible.  So complete.

May the laughter your've blessed us with in our household resound in those reading this blog.  Father God, you are awesome.  What else can I say?  Money, security, health... Noel and I have none of these in excess, but we are joyful in your presence beyond comprehension because we know... we know that we are completely cared for, loved, and that nothing... absolutely nothing is out of your control.  Lord God, I feel so loved now, more than when our jobs were stable.  More than when I had full independence.  More than when I thought I knew where my life was headed.  Lord... all the dreams that were based on stability and independence... now out the window... I am happier and acknowledge that I am more blessed than I believed possible!  Thank you.

In Jesus' holy name, I give my thanks, amen.

Ducking down so the needles show!  =D  Acupuncture is so cool... I felt so much better!

My parents and I having fun with the camera phone.

Life's Journey with God

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today, my nurse said, "I was reading your chart.  Wow, you've gone through a lot.  How do you stay so cheerful?"

How should I answer?  I don't have a quick easy answer except to say "God is good, really good."  Even a reply like this doesn't provide a full understanding of how God enables me to be cheerful.

My attitude and my personality alone didn't create this cheerfulness. Rather, I've struggled with so many ups and downs... been spun around with unexpected events occurring  so far out of the blue that I've heard many repetitions of the comment "this usually doesn't happen."  In truth, I'm cheerful and I take joy in seeing the blessings God brings into my life... but I can't say I'm "happy" about having cancer or living with so many unexpected struggles.

I'm learning to roll with the punches, to expect the unexpected. But most of all, I believe that my God has a purpose for my life.  I believe I have an all-powerful God guiding my life who can fully cure me of all my problems right now; however, I also believe in this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his [God's] purpose."  Romans 8:28 (New King James Version)

So for those, like me, who love God... what is this good thing we get?  This goodness is an advantage that benefits those who love God and specifically is linked with following God's purpose/calling.  This verse doesn't talk about getting good things like gifts just for the sake of acquiring more things... instead, this verse is about situational advantages that God promises to provide so that those who love him are enabled to walk the path he's laid out.

I know God loves me and that I am spoiled by his many provisions.  I know that God will shape my life to grow me to love him more so that my life can reflect his purpose, his power, his will.  I've find that my life is coming together in many unexpected ways.  In and through this cancer journey, I know I am undoubtably loved.

Quick list of huge blessings I've noted:
*Financially, Noel and I are not in the red even with a significant decrease in income these past few years... totally unexpected!
*My new dietary requirements would normally be a lot more difficult except that God has provided multiple people in my life who have already experienced similar issues and can provide a lot of insight.
*Driving for groceries is difficult, but God provides food from friends.
*Waves of despair and depression are buoyed by the constant support and encouragements of family and friends.
*God gave me medical knowledge in order to circumvent and manage many physical issues related to edema, open wounds, scars, fatigue, nutrition and medicine.

My conclusion: God has a reason and a purpose for my life, for this cancer, for all the ups and downs I have and will struggle through.

Lord Father God, you gave me this life... you can just as easily take this life away.  Why am I here?  What am I doing?  Lord, I know you have a broader vision.  Give me a glimpse of where you are leading me so I can hope, so I know where and how to fight.  May I be your soldier in this world, but not of it. Give me strength.  Give me insight.  Give me wisdom.  Give me courage.

Lord, help me fight where I need to fight.  Give me a humble attitude to listen when I need to follow.  Continue to boost my attitude as I chose to live this life in service to you. May my life, my words, my heart shine with your spirit.  May this life bring you, my God,  honor and glorify your name.  Give me reason to keep smiling.  Give me the heart to see the good and the fun in this life's journey.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Playing paintball with our team: Uprising!

Exercising or sleeping? Take a guess :P

Changes... Again

Saturday, November 3, 2013

What's my weight right now?  Is it same? Less?  Never before in my life have I ever been so fixated on my weight.  A combination of dietary intake and fluid intake... Both able to skew my weight and my assessment of my "health."

New diet, new foods.  I'm constantly analyzing and recording what I eat. Okay, this time... Were there any problems?  Diarrhea?  Itchy mouth? Gas/bloating?  Discomfort?  What ingredients were included?  What products may cause problems?  Trial after endless test trial... I'm researching myself.

Beyond my allergy to alcohol (now manageable with pre-medication of Benedryl and maybe Zyrtec)... I'm now sensitive to foods with the slightest bit of diary. Wanna test me?  I can tell if the slightest drop of diary is present in my food.  Now, newest of the new, I'm also sensitive to gluten products.

Grrrrrrrrrrr...  have I always been sensitive to all these food products and never realized it?  More likely, the chemo is causing my body to over-react. *deep sigh*  Bland foods are safer... Maybe?  Or could it be that I eat the same food day in and day out that I'll acquire a new allergy?

I'm confused. 

At the same time, I'm enjoying a whole new food adventure!  I'm learning soy sauce has gluten, but there's a gluten-free variety of soy sauce available!  Even vinegar can have gluten.  Wow... my mind is filled with thoughts of "I can eat this... oh wait, maybe not."  Turns out cross-contamination can lead to gluten being present in products like corn or oats.  

The other day, I made vegan nacho cheese using cashews and nutritional yeast. =O Nothing compares to the original; however, my eyes are opening to the many substitute foods available! Well, at least I'm acquiring new cooking combinations.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Right after I feel that I'm getting a better understanding of my body in relation to food... Nope!  Time to spin me around and mix everything up again. All the confidence I gained from figuring out what I can eat to stabilize my body... All out the window!

I'm eating both gluten and dairy-free, non spicy, "known" foods that don't cause any problems. Hopeless. My body is acting up again and I'm constantly running to the toilet. Grrrrrrrrrrr...  how long is this running to the toilet issue going to last this time?  I'm getting really impatient with myself!

I can feel my energy draining away again. Walking up stairs causes a burning sensation in my thighs. I'm starting to get short of breath with decreasing levels of acitivity. What in the world is going on?!?  I thought I was supposed to get BETTER between rounds of chemotherapy. 

I'm whining. Kristy, stop it!  

Deep breath... Work out this issue.

Possibilities:
1. My body is getting sensitized to all sorts of foods and overreacting by expelling it as quick as possible.
2.  The effects of this chemotherapy (beyond the initial fatigue and nausea) are just becoming apparent now.
3.  I caught a bug that's irritating my digestive track.

My take is likely option #2.  You ask why?  Well, I can now pull out little clumps of hair from my head.  The mini bald spots represent the chemotherapy affecting my actively dividing cells.  My digestive track lining is also susceptible to the chemotherapy.  Great... everything I thought I had figured out is now out the window.

Lord God, I don't want to go through this whole being stuck by the toilet again!  I'll even only eat rice if I have to!  I'm tired. I want to wail and cry... But that won't help fix my body.

Lord, how much more?  Help me stay hopeful, keep my eyes fixed on you, take every day step by step without floundering. Lord God, I want to be like Peter, to boldly walk on the water with Jesus!  I DON'T want to end up like Peter, looking around in fear, loosing faith and sinking after having already stood on water. God, don't let me lose sight of you and sink!  There's a reason I'm still here. There's a reason you haven't cured me yet. So Father God, give me the courage, faith, strength to look only at you!  I don't need to dwell in the pain, embarrassment, difficulties of this life. As I live solely for you, Lord God, your opinion is what matters most. Help me not get distracted from my purpose for living. May you be honored and glorified in my attitude, my words, my actions.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Vegan Nacho Salad... with meat!  =D

October 30, 2013:  My new haircut

Went rockclimbing.  Tired, but sooooo fun!

New chemo.... START!

Newest Video: Me talking while in the hospital... my first night. Sorry, video cannot be watched through iPhone or iPads because of the music.



Falling for the first time
Saturday, October 26, 2013

Noel's going to pick up my meds.  Yup, more medications.  There's like 3 or 4 types for nausea alone.  Yikes!  I'm so medicated right now up and down, left and right are kind of difficult to place.  Everything's all kinda floaty and fuzzy. 

Where are my keys?  Poor hubby is looking everywhere upstairs.  Maybe I have the keys by the door?  Getting up, I stroll over to the kitchen.  Maybe I have my keys by the garage door?

*blink blink*

Why am I sitting on the floor?  I find my hand clutching my right cheek and neck.  How come?  What happened?  What was I going for?  Why does my cheek and neck ache?  I see the oven in front of me, steel handles gleaming.  I hear hissing.  Is the stove on?  I see no fire.  In the distance, I hear Noel's voice... ummmmm, why do I hear so much worry?  That's not like him.

Time flows.  A second pass or a minute?  I can't tell anymore.  Noel is beside me, his voice a little panicky "What happened?"

Still feeling light, my voice replying in the distance: "I don't know.  I tried to search for my keys and somehow I am on the floor."  Still dazed, my ears search for the sound of hissing.  Noel must have noticed the hissing as well.  His eyes scan the stove top knobs, one is skewed and turned on.  With his right hand, he turns off the stove, his left arm still cradling me.  Ummmm, did my cheek or neck turn on the stove?  Maybe.  I must have hit something.  *shrug*  Glad I didn't get cut.  The doctors are really big on getting an infection and cuts right now.

Did I black out?  I've never lost consciousness before.  Usually, I'm proud to say that can gauge when my blood pressure falls too low and lean my body forward to recover.  Must be all the medications.  Guess I can't trust myself to monitor my own body when everything's so "not quite here" feeling.  Bleah... there goes my "I can do it" and "I'm not a fall risk"... right out the window.

Father God, thank you for this safe learning experience.  As I learn my body's new boundaries and reactions, thank you for keeping my safe.  Thank you that Noel was there to turn off the gas stove.  Thank you that I didn't get cut.  Thank you that I didn't fall down the stairs.

Lord, you know I hate being this weak, this dependent... but I can still move.  I can still think... barely... but I'm here.  Each day after chemo, my mind becomes more clear.  I dread going back and getting my next treatment round... but Lord, whatever you want.  I told you that and I mean it.  Just... keep giving me the strength, hope and courage to take each step with confidence.  Continue to guide the doctors so they can help heal me and not mess me up more.  Help me be aware of my body and symptoms that the doctors should know to provide the best treatment possible.

Father God, thank you for everyone around me... without everyone you've placed in my life, I don't think I could live this joyfully, this hopefully, this securely.

So, Lord, I lift your name in praise and thank you for helping me trudge on in my unexpected life you've given me to live.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Pic by Stephen.  Resting after a short walk in our community.