Chains of My Life

Delete.

The word resounds over and over again in my head with an irrevocable sense of finality.

I did it.  I really erased the manga app off of my iPad.  Years of reading, hundreds of stories bookmarked, collections stored… all gone with a single touch of my finger.

I know I can restore the app.  I know the names of some of my favorite stories… but never in my life did I ever dream that I would remove my own free access to thousands of stories.  Hours into days, days into weeks, and weeks into years of ingrained habitual reading… completely stopped in one night. 

By the grace of God, I can state that I want to choose Jesus Christ as the most important treasure in my life.  The hole that cannot be filled by my own actions, my own worth, my own thoughts… I crave the glimpses of complete fulfillment, of overwhelming joy, of deep peace… and I have only ever experienced these things to such a great extent when I hold Jesus Christ first in my heart; everything else pales in comparison.

However, I still crave the safety of mindless reading, of burying myself in fantasy worlds and in impossible adventures.  But I know that in order to gain the best, I need to let go of all my seconds.  I need to release my death grip on parts of my life that aren’t good for me… at least not to the extremes I take things.  Accepting God as my main treasure is an all or nothing proposition.  I cannot serve myself first and say that I truly serve God as Lord. 

My original intention was to nix my insane amount of reading and fill in at least a small part of the time with growing my relationship with God: understanding more of his character, knowing more of his power, dwelling in his presence.  Did it work?  Maybe a little… but honestly, I find myself struggling with new issues.  Instead of reading manga, I find myself using the time to delve into learning more about jewelry-making, editing and posting jewelry pictures on Instagram, tweaking my Etsy shop… and even more than these incessant pressures… what catches me off guard the most is online shopping. 

Shopping?  Yup, feels like I haven’t bought stuff in years!  Sure it’s great to shop for Christmas gifts online and finding great deals is a fun challenge; however, I catch myself feeling this pressure, this _need_ to buy things, not later, but right now! 

In whatever I do, I find myself always trying to fill this internal hole of need, excitement, and of challenge.  I have experienced that nothing comes close to walking with Christ, but at the same time, a huge part of me absolutely refuses.  Knowing the best and reaching for that best is difficult when there are so many other things which can provide a quick fix of instant gratification.  I frequently find myself accepting second-best, not because I truly want what it can give me, but because it’s easier.

Following Christ is scary: it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it requires facing the ugliness inside myself and changing.  Following Christ requires truth.  It requires choices that aren’t always rational.  Following Christ can make me look really stupid.

All for what? 

Is having a personal relationship with God that much of a treasure it trumps everything else? 

The answer for myself is “Yes.”  To me, God is worth my everything and more.

I want to personally enjoy the presence of an all-powerful God who can create the universe and still know me.  I want to be completely enveloped in his unconditional love.  I want to be fully accepted no matter what I do or say or look.  I want to experience strength not of my own.  I want to have joy unrelated to any circumstance.  I want to know peace that in this lifetime is not of this world. 

Father God, I am unworthy, but you still love me.  I run, but you still seek after me.  I hide, but you still find me.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for letting me experience your power.  Thank you for letting me sit in your presence.  Thank you for showing me that you are real.  Thank you for forgiving me even as I make mistake after mistake after mistake.  Thank you for being consistent in character and for always keeping your word even when I don’t keep mine.  Thank you for being gentle with me. 

Lord, there is nothing I have that you want.  There is nothing I can do for you that you cannot do even better… so Jesus, thank you for the free gift of your life that redeemed mine.  Help me honor you in the choices I make, this life I live, the attitude I have and the actions I perform… keep my eyes fixed on you and hold my heart close to yours.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

If I’m too lazy to write again before Christmas:

Merry Christmas everyone!!! 

Be blessed this season to experience the glory and peace of Christ.  Let’s all joyfully celebrate that because Jesus Christ came to this world, we are made perfect by the very acceptance of his gift, his life in place of ours. 

Picture of Audrey and I at our last South Bay Game and Dinner Night on Nov 25th:

Heart Check

“What do you treasure?”

Huh???  Lots of things are important in my life.  There’s Noel, my job, my hobbies… *mumble mumble* the list gets longer and longer.  Really, Kristy, you’re just avoiding the heart of this question!

Okay, okay… let me reword this question for myself:  “What stuff in my life do I not want to change or let go of?  Is there one key item that hinders my walk with Jesus Christ?”

I, who proudly proclaim that I am a follower of God, servant of Jesus Christ, one who says “God is to be first in my life and my focus”… can I honestly say that I place my Lord God first in all aspects of my life? 

Nope. 

Even without taking a good hard look at myself, I already know that there are many things I struggle with; my head easily turns away from following the one I choose to call Lord.  In my quick list of issues, there is one thing that even the very thought of stopping makes me cringe: reading manga. 

Sounds silly right?  *wry grin*

Every free hour, day after day, week after week… for over 18 years of my life… I’ve read manga.  For 10 years before that, I’ve read novels.  Before even that, it was picture books.  =O

Scarfing down story after story, escaping reality, living in the lives of made-up characters… this takes up a huge chunk of my life.  On the surface, I socialize fairly well.  I interact with others.  I work.  I serve at church.  I have interesting hobbies.  However, at the end of each day, I spend my face buried in stories.

All in all, reading’s not a bad hobby to have right?  Yeah… on the surface, reading in my free time really isn’t anything bad.  But, the key issue comes down to where my heart is. 

I believe that God blesses me with free time… to rest, to read… but why do I have such a hard time letting go of my reading?  Do I treasure reading above my heart for God?

Second question (well… many questions later), I ask myself: “Does my excessive reading prevent me from fully experiencing God?”

Yes. 

All hemming and hawing aside, I must confess that there are definitely times where I could better serve God if I took the time to know him more.  All the hours I spent buried in my novels… if even a fraction of that time was used to deepen my relationship with God… how much closer would I be to the God I serve?  How much better would I know the character and the love my God has for me and those around me? 

I believe that this world is a spiritual battlefield; and unfortunately, because of my slacking off, I am ill-equipped to fight.  Since I dare to call God “my Lord,” why then am I serving myself over him?  If my life is to live as a servant of Christ, I need to serve Christ first in all things.  If the purpose of my life is to glorify him, then my actions better reflect his character.  To call myself a child of Christ, my lifestyle needs to include his presence.

At the end of my internal debate... where is my heart? 

Do I want to choose God or choose myself? 

For me, what is truly most important? 

What is my one treasure above all others?

What do I live for?

Father God, please change my heart.  I keep saying I want to place you first in my life, but saying it and doing so are two different issues.  Lord, I want my actions to match my words.  I want my heart to be in line with yours. 

Forgive me, Lord, for saying that I follow you when a huge part of me continually puts you aside to place myself first.  To experience you fully, Lord God, I want to place you first in my heart and first in my life.  Help me do so.  Transform my heart, Lord Jesus, so that my eyes are fixed on you and not of this world.  I want to see you more.  I want to know you more.  May your Spirit speak your truth clearly into my heart so that I can fully live every bit of this life you’ve blessed me with.  Help me live fully for you and with you.  Lord, I ask that you remove the chains that drag me down.  Free me to clearly choose what pleases you because I know that when I follow you, I feel fulfilled in ways that pleasing myself doesn’t accomplish.

Lord, I ask for freedom in my choices, wisdom in my use of time, gentleness in my words, kindness in my heart and joy in my spirit. 

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Celebrating Noel's birthday:

Racing Days

Three, two, one, GO!!!

The flag drops, my tires squeal as the acceleration pushes me back into my seat.  Look ahead!  Coming up is a sweeping right turn, left, right, right again.  The harness holds me tight in my seat as the g-force sways me side to side.  My hands grip the steering wheel as I dance the car through a field of cones.  Sharp left, the tail of my car swings around setting me up for the slalom; a nice even pattern of left, right, left, right… break before the turn and back onto the gas again.  Apex that corner so my car can accelerate in a straighter line.  Bouncing over a random bump, I stay on the gas… this last turn looks really tight… don’t give in!  Keeping my foot hard on the gas pedal, I barely dive through the last turn into a hard breaking, tire squealing stop.  Shaking with adrenaline, I carefully pick up my time slip and slap it on the dash.  Gently, I guide my car back onto the grid for the next run. 

My heartbeat still pounds in my ears… I can barely even hear.  I need to plan my next run.  Where did I break too early?  Too late?  How can I take that fourth turn faster?  What’s the best angle to hit the slalom?  Can I blast through that last turn any quicker?  I need more speed, take tighter turns, and find the optimum racing line while avoiding the cones. 

Calming down, I unbuckle my harness and half stand, half roll myself out of my seat.  Standing on shaky legs, I crouch down to feel the tires.  The sun’s on the right of my car, that side’s tires are too warm.  Popping the hood, I let the engine cool a little.  I need to cool down the right tires by spraying the front tires with water, maybe a little water onto the rear tire too.  Let’s lower the front left tire pressure by 0.5psi and the front right by 0.75psi.  What else?  Hmmmmm, guess that’s good enough for now.

Noel steps into the driver’s seat, his turn to race.  I help to strap him in.  At the last moment, I drop the hood, give the car a final check and throw Noel a thumb’s up.  Time to see who’s faster! 

Ah… memories.  *deep sigh* 

This week, as I once again meet up with friends I made during my years of racing, the memories of my racing days hit me hard.  This is where I first met Noel.  This is where I really learned how to handle my car.  I miss the sound of squealing tires and burning rubber.  My hands still feel the vibrations of the steering wheel as my car and I squeeze through turns.  This is where I first experienced friendship in combination with competition.  Nice!

Lord God, you called Noel and I out of racing… then you took me out of paintballing and rockclimbing.  Part of me still hurts that I’ve had to place these hobbies on an indefinite hold.  However, Lord, you are an amazing God.  Lord, you don’t just take away, but in the place of my hobbies, you bring such great joy and give me even more things to do.  You show me the love of my husband, the beauty of life-long friendship, the strength of family, the limits my body can go beyond as I lean on your strength, the treasure that work really is, and the blessings of living my identity in you and not by anything I can do. 

Lord, I may be physically weak, but I do not regret this life in which I’ve chosen to follow you.  You give me meaning in my life, purpose in my path, and strength in my steps.  Keep my eyes focused on you.  Help me not to stray too far to the left or the right.  May my words and my life continue to be a testimony of your goodness, your mercy, and your power.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Noel and I with Alan, one of the first racing buddies I made almost 13 years ago!

Trusting without Boundaries

Flip, I casually flick another page in our scheduling book.  Eyes roaming, I double check to see who’s off and who’s working the weekend.  As my eyes scan the page, I freeze.  That’s my name!  What?  I don’t remember being notified about working on a Sunday in October.  What went wrong?  I thought I didn’t have my next weekend workday until November!

Rushing to my desk, I quickly type in my password to unlock the computer.  Clicking my work email, I open up the email with a list of my given weekends I acquired after a co-worker left.  Nope, no October weekend.

Heart thumping, I select the shortcut folder for work’s weekend and vacation schedule.   Tapping my cursor over “October,” I rapidly scroll down looking for October 12th.  Yup, right there, that’s my name.  Guess who ever made the initial email request missed noting down this one month.  Yikes, what if I didn't show up to work?!?!!!  *shudder*

Can I do it?  Will I be able to work a Sunday in the burn unit with no occupational therapist back-up?  Questions, concerns, worries... one issue after another pile up in my head.  Burdened and cornered, I decide to pray.

Father God, Creator of the universe… Help!  A huge part of me worries about my strength and endurance in being able to perform heavy transfers, lift weighty limbs, or even to have the physical stability to complete the entire treatment.  Father, I acknowledge that you are all-powerful, that you have complete control, that you know my capabilities and your provisions, that my life and my schedule can be fully guided by you.  Lord, no one will want to take this Sunday, it’s smack in the middle of a three-day weekend with Monday being a holiday off.  Plus, even if someone is willing to take this day, I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured.  *sigh* 

Lord of my life, I give this issue into your capable hands.  Either give me the energy, strength and endurance to make it through Sunday… or give me the help somehow and someway so that I can continue to honor you as I work on whatever day is given me.  Lord, I leave my worries at your feet.  Help me to lean on you... trusting that no matter what happens, you will be there to catch me and to provide for me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Okay Kristy… now I just have to chill and see where God ends up taking me.  *deep breath*  Don’t be anxious.  Don’t worry.  Instead, remember, to this point in my life, God has shown himself and provided over and over and over in more ways that I can even count!  So why not also in this situation?  I will choose to trust God to handle what I cannot control because I believe he is truly and fully in control of my life (even when I’m not) and that he is real.

Two hours later at the end of lunch:

“Hey Kristy, you’re working on a Sunday in October right?  The 12th?”

“Yup!”

“I’m scheduled to work on October the 11th, that Saturday.  Can we switch?  There’s something I want to do that Saturday.”

“Sure, I’d love to switch!  In fact, that’ll be so much better!”

Praise the Lord and a huge thanks to my friend (didn’t ask her permission so I’m not putting up her name)…  prayer answered just like that!  No pressure.  No begging.  No struggling.  No placing co-workers in uncomfortable positions.  No additional stress.  Just like that, it is done… issue resolved. 

Wow!  When God decides to move, everything falls into just the right place!  *wide grin*

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Father God, today was a loooonnnnggggg day.  In the morning, I worked along-side the occupational therapist who is usually stationed in the burn unit... she knows exactly who’s who and what’s what.  Yay! 

Lord, throughout the entire time, I can feel you by my side.  My heart sings for joy as my patients got to experience increased independence and many “first time doing this” situations!  My energy lasted in spurts just long enough to the point where I could escape to rest and recover.  Even during the times when I got tired in the middle of a treatment, my co-worker willingly took over all the prep work and running around for supplies while I either leaned on the linen bin to conserve energy or even the time I had to run out of the room to sit and rest.

All I can say, is that you, my Lord, are an amazing God who provided one thing after the other this entire day.  At the end of the day, I feel kind of bad because I started to complain.  It’s 4:00pm and I’m supposed to be leaving work for home… but that’s not going to happen.  I finished all my wound notes, but haven’t completed (or even started) the morning’s batch of inpatient notes... there are still _six_ notes that I need to complete!

Grumble, grumble.  I know that my attitude isn’t the best.  I really should focus on the myriad of blessings instead of the fact that I need to stay behind so that the next therapist will know about the patients’ progression, treatments I performed…

Stop. 

In all honestly, I know that if I really wanted to leave work, even with my notes not even started… I can.  It’d suck for the person treating the following day, but I have the choice in what I choose to do.  There is no “have-to”… there’s only “it’d be nice for the next person if I completed my work” type of issue.

Father, change my heart to joyfully serve in the full capacity you bless me with.  Even as I sit here at my desk grumbling, you give me the energy and physical stability to remain.  I’m not drained so much I need to run home to rest (surprising after a non-stop, intense type of workday).  So be it, I will choose to serve by completing my work… both to honor you and to bless my co-worker, the one who you used to answer my prayer in her request to switch weekend work days.

Lord, forgive my negative attitude, my selfishness, my misplaced sense of self-righteousness; instead, I ask that you give me wisdom in my documentation, focus to complete the notes to the best of my ability, and help me remember what I did in this morning treatments so that I can properly type and bill.  Give me your peace and correct my attitude.  Let me not work for myself but to do all my work as a reflection of my heart to serve you in worship. 

To my Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the living Holy Spirit… to you be all the glory and honor and praise.  Amen.

Noel and I with a sleeping cat and my many plush toys:

Asking for Something Different at Work

Monday, September 22, 2014

Now that I’ve thrown out the challenge in my last blog post… what do I pray for?  Laughter again?  No… totally not!  That’s too boring to ask for the same thing twice in a row.  Ummm, what should I ask God for today?  I want to ask for something different! 

But what?

*sigh*

I’m trying to think; and yet, nothing comes to mind.

Hey God, I really can’t think of anything interesting to pray for.  I want to see you, but how will you show yourself to me?  Well, whatevers.  Father God, I ask that you show me, somehow, someway, that you are present with me as I work.  I want to see you in action!

In Jesus’ name I ask, amen.

As the day goes on, I’m really starting to drag.  My treatments and documentation speed is slowing down as each hour passes by.  I’m tired.  You know when people say they got "glutened” when they eat gluten and it causes problems?  Well, I got diaried (Kristy made-up word) this weekend and all my energy reserves are gone.  Poof!  Just like that and my entire physical/mental function is affected.  *deep sigh*  I want to go home.

Casually, I ask my boss:  “If I finish early, can I go home?”

I didn’t want to make a big deal out of being tired.  I mean, I’ve pushed through times when I’ve been so drained that I could barely move.  I’m nowhere near that state!  On the other hand, it’d be super super great to just lie down.  Yeah, my bed is sounding pretty nice right about now.  *wry smile*

Later in the day, I drag my feet to check on the board.  I should have one last patient left before I can go home early.  Just one more… Oh, another therapist’s initials are written next to my supposedly last patient-of-the-day.  What happened?  Peeking into the treatment room, I see my co-worker busy at work.

“Can I help?”

“You, go home and rest.  This patient came early and my patient canceled.  Didn’t you want to leave early?”

“Yup, thank you!” 

Sliding myself past the curtains, I change clothes and leave work 1-1/2 hours early.  Yay!!! 

God, even though I don’t feel at my best today, thank you for working my schedule so that I can go home and rest!  Thank you for providing such awesome friends at work who are willing to pick-up my slack.  Thank you that even moving so slowly today, that there was no negative effect on the pacing of patient treatments and that all the most important parts of my documentation are already complete.  Praise the Lord for your timely provision today!  Amen!

It's been a week and I'm still dragging myself around.  Just super tired.  Please pray that I get my strength back and that my body will once again steady itself!

Noel and I re-started our South Bay Games and Dinner Night after 11-month rest-break.  Praise the Lord that he provided enough energy to last the night!  We cook together, eat together, pray together, play games and even clean-up together... community and life-skills with God as the center.

Here's a picture of us chilling together in the living room:

Asking for Something Different

I want work to go well today.  No, nix that.  I _always_ want work to flow smoothly, not be stressful,  and to end on time.  Is that really all I want?  How about something different?

Hey God, I want to see you in my workplace today.  What should I pray for?  I don’t like a super packed schedule… ummmm, but then again, when you’re really present, even the toughest days with the most patients can flow smoothly.  So how about this…  Father, I don’t mind a schedule that requires me to see patients non-stop back-to-back; but, in return give me the energy, focus and a fun time with my patients and my co-workers.  In fact, do this for my whole wound dept!  *wide grin* 

Lord, I’m not asking for an easy day, I’m going to ask for what would normally be a hands-full super busy day!  But… I want today to be so filled with fun and laughter that others will notice and acknowledge that today, there’s something weirdly different.  I don’t mind that this is the end of a packed work-week.  I’m going to trust that, Lord God, you will provide.  Times when I or my co-workers are normally stressed, lift up our spirits and bring in laughter, peace, joy.  Boldly I ask, Lord, that you show yourself in my workplace this day.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

*smirk*

Towards the end of my workday, I overheard these comments:

“Today was super busy like the rest of this week, but I’m not tired.”

“Something’s weird today.  Work was hard like normal, but there’s a lot of laughter.”

Yes, I believe that today is so markedly different because I prayed and God answered. 

I was too chicken to say “that’s because I prayed for this day to be filled with laughter even though the work is demanding.”  But I’m sharing this now… prayer is amazing! 

Today, we sang “Happy Birthday” to a patient with almost the entire wound staff… I’ve never seen that happen in my 9 years here.  Laughter drifts in the air from one room to the next.  Co-workers move with an extra spring in their step.  Joy and anticipation simmer below the surface.  Broad smiles grace many faces.  Patients come early, some come late, but the schedule ends up just right for each staff member.  My paperwork is completely done.   I even get to leave work on time after a non-stop, no-rest day of work.  Yes, today is different; very much so! 

Praise the Lord!

Next week… what interesting things should I pray for?  What would you pray for?  How do you want to see God? 

I challenge those reading this blog post to pray for God to show himself in a very specific and utterly unique way in your life and those around you.  I’d love to hear what God’s showing you.  The more specific your prayer, the more confirmation you’ll have that God is real and amazing when you see him answer.  If you take up this challenge, please email me your cool God-story.  I won’t share it, but I’d love to see more of God at work!

Lord God, I know with all my heart that you are real.  Frequently my eyes are blinded by my own comfort.  I’m wallowing in my own desire.  Father God, help me to let go and really see you this coming week.  I ask to personally experience the joy, peace and true comfort of being in your presence.

Father, for those willing to seek you this week, I ask that you guide their prayers and make the results so uniquely clear that all will be amazed and sing your name in praise. 

Bless those reading this blog with your joy everlasting, lightness of spirit, unfathomable peace and the comfort of your unconditional love.

In Jesus’ holy name I pray, amen.

Sept 21st: Celebrating my 'lil sister's birthday!  Happy Birthday Jess!  *super big hugs*

Working, but Never Alone

Ready?               Up!

Wrap 

                     Pull 

    Wrap                   Pull 

I'm starting to get tired. 

My day is just starting so I really shouldn't complain.  My co-worker is helping by lifting the patient's leg.  Really, all I'm doing is leaning over the bed and stretching an ace wrap in a spiral pattern from the feet up the leg.  Working on the second leg, I can feel the smallest tremor in my muscles.  Already?  How in the world am I going to make it through today?  Not by my own strength that's for sure! 

My goal is to serve where I am.  Using everything God's given to me, I want to provide my patients the best service possible.  But how?  I'm confused as to if and how I need to moderate my own activity.  If I go all out, will I have the endurance to continue with all the treatments needed throughout the day?  Will I get burnt out?  Should I save some of my energy in reserve for later?  How much is too much and how little is too little? 

Lord God, I'm really confused.  I know you have the ability to give me strength beyond my own, but I also know you've blessed me with a brain capable of learning my own limitations.  When do I use what you've given me and when do I lean on you for more?  I really don't know enough and I hate the answer "each situation is different so it depends."  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.  All I know, Father God, is that I am here, working a weekend day...  kind of lonely but never alone.

Initially, I was scheduled to work Sunday.  Thank you so much that I didn't!  Not knowing until afterwards that Sunday (working completely in the burn unit with no assistance from another therapist) there was a patient who got discharged and 3 new admits... all requiring a lot of effort and time... AND a handful of current burn unit patients that all needed therapy.  Yikes!

Lord, with my current abilties, there's no way I can serve all the patients in the burn unit to meet the needs of what Sunday required.  Instead, you provided a switch where my co-worker willingly took my Sunday so that I can work on Saturday instead.  Father, you blessed me completely by providing another therapist to lean on, enough time to complete all my paperwork, and that all my afternoon patients with wounds came early!  Hurray!!!!

Honestly, beats me how I exactly made it through Saturday.  Definately not by my own abilities!

Lord God, all I know is that I continusously prayed throughout my entire work day: begging for wisdom, asking for stregnth, requesting your assistance with the timing and types of treatments... the list goes on and on.  And the coolest thing?  You helped me more than just survive this Saturday of work, but allowed me to thrive by providing everything from therapy and timing to patient participation and staffing assist.

Father God, to you I give all the glory and praise!

The fact that I can work, knowing that if my back is ever in a corner, you always open a way out.  So yes, Lord, blindly I follow.  Each step.  Each day.  When I'm scared.  When I'm lost.  Into your care I leave all the many things out of my own control so that I can serve others as you've shown me through the examples of Jesus Christ.  Continue to give me strength in my body, endurance during my treatments, stability of my body when I'm fatigued, a positive attitude in you and peace in the knowledge that I'm never alone, never truly stuck, never fully hopeless or helpless.

Thank you, Father God, that I can so enjoy work, in serving and in being served, exactly where I am.  Wherever I am, whomever I'm with... may you continue to shape my heart to seek you and to serve others... not for my own pride nor self-satisfaction, but to glorify you. 

I will work with all my heart to you, O Lord, and not to man because you promised to never leave me, to never forsake me.  Dwelling in your presence, I will never be alone, never truly lack for anything... so please, Lord, continue to teach me how to serve you right here and right now.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Having fun with the toys (Amanda's getting kind of squashed LOL):

Weekend Work

Friday, August 29, 2014

I’m going to work Saturday!  Hurray!!!  My eyes are lit, my heart thumping, nervous energy courses through my limbs as I anticipate the approaching weekend.

What?  You think I’m crazy?  Well… probably.  Yeah, I’d say I’m not quite right in the head.  *wide grin*

But… I get to work again!  I love working in the burn unit.  I get to experience dealing with a variety of physical limitations, the opportunity to make splints and face the challenge of modifying activities to fit a person’s needs.  Time to play!

Part of me is a little scared… okay, okay.  A lot scared.  What if there’s something a patient needs to get done and I’m physically incapable of doing my job?  What if there’s a heavy transfer?  Do I say “sorry, I can’t transfer the patient even though I know it’s part of my job.”  Or do I say “Sure, let’s go for it!” and then get so tired, dizzy and have my body act up that I can’t treat the next patient?

Father God, I give my fear into your hands.  You have full control of the patient population, timing of the treatments, patient needs, my physical strength, my body’s stability, even paperwork.  Lord God, nothing is in my control once I start working so I will trust you to provide.  I’m doing my best to rest as soon as I get home this week; I take naps after work, keep in bed whenever I can... I’m storing my energy levels to the maximum of my ability this past week in preparation for tomorrow.  I don’t know if the rest is enough, but Lord, into your hands I give my future.  Provide me patients that I can give my all to help, but also give me wisdom in how to perform the treatments so that I am both effective in my work and can maximize therapy for each patient I work with.  Help me serve to the best of my abilities.  Give me the endurance to provide therapy in a more active capacity.  Give me a can-do attitude, a gentle heart and confident demeanor.  No matter how long or how short each treatment is, I ask that you help me provide skilled treatments that will have a lasting and positive impact of the patient’s physical and mental health.  Provide me the ability and wisdom to encourage, challenge and grow each patient back towards his or her prior functional level.

Lord God, working this weekend is my first small step to bigger and greater activities.  Help me gain the confidence to trust and use my body to its fullest.  Give me the wisdom in how hard and how fast I can push myself.  I want to rock climb again.  I want to play paintball again.  Step by step, Lord, give me the heart to keep fighting.

In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

What a beautiful morning!  The sun is out.  The air is fresh.  Cool breeze, blue sky and white sweeping clouds.  Today will be amazing!

Father God, thank you so much for today’s provision.  You blessed me with being able to work along-side an occupational therapist who knows the burn unit.  Thank for giving me time to sit and rest when I got tired.  Lord, you are an amazing God.  The pacing of work and rest and paperwork was just right.  You even provided assistance from another physical therapist so that if I got too tired, I could hand-off my workload.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my workday so that I did everything I felt like is needed to do without skimping out on any treatments just because I may get tired.  Thank you that all the treatments in the burn unit didn’t require much physical strength.  Father God, even in my wildest imaginations, I couldn’t have dreamed of such a well set-up work day to work both in the burn unit and in the wound dept.

Thank you for you for the blessings, your abundant provisions and my increase in strength!  I can’t wait to see what else I can soon do!

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Rogue sitting in my lap while I attempt to work on my jewelry projects:

Waiting on God's Timing

"I don't know what to do anymore!  It's been so long since I've had a job!"

Watching my husband sit in front his computer, fiddling with his portfolio... I remain silent.  What is there to say?  By my words alone, I cannot provide Noel with a paying job.  Phrases such as "It'll be okay" or " God will provide when the time is right" sound unconvincing trite.  In the face of Noel's despair, saying "Thank you for staying at home and taking care of me" feels so lacking.  Even a hug doesn't cut it.

Laying in bed, I observe Noel struggle.  There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.  There's no words of wisdom that can fix the issue of no work and dwindling funds.  There's no action I can physically take to solve Noel's joblessness.  There is nothing I can personally do for Noel that will pierce his despair, his frustration, his self-loathing, his impatience.  Rarely do I see Noel cave under the heavy burdens placed upon him by my health, our household, ministry and job issues. 

Silently, I watch over my beloved husband.  My heart breaks.  I feel powerless.

Lord Father, creator of Heaven and Earth, you who are merciful, compassionate, wise and all-powerful... Please help my husband.  Lift the burdens he is stumbling under.  Heal his heart against the standards of what this world says a husband should be or do.  Give to Noel your wisdom to see his life and his current situation as you see it.  Bless Noel with the strength to walk forward with full integrity.  Keep his eyes fixed not on his worth with a job but his true worth as your beloved child.  Give Noel the courage to stand fast against the storms of this life.  Bless him with your everlasting hope through Jesus Christ.  Give him a soul at peace.

Father God, by myself, I am powerless and helpless; however, with you, O Lord, everything and anything is possible.  The options are endless, your timing always perfect.  To you, Lord God, I give the struggles, the hate, the anger, the despair, the hurt... Into your hands, I place both my and my husband's future: our health, our job, our cars, our time, our hope, our everything.

Give us peace.  Give us hope.  Give us courage.  Give us strength.

I want to see you, Lord.  I want to dwell in your presence.  I want to rest in your arms.  I want to live the path and the life you intend for me.  I want you to save and protect Noel... Be it job or jobless, show my husband your calling for him.  Show him his worth in Jesus Christ.  Heal his hurt and his pain.  Give him hope and joy that can only come in you.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Noel:

These last few weeks I was lost and somewhat depressed:  the job search wasn't going anywhere, I didn't have a solid indication as to where God wants to place me, and I was frustrated with where I currently am in life.  On Friday after a rescheduled lunch, I reached out to a friend to see if he wanted to meet up for lunch.  Unfortunately, he couldn't because he had to prepare some material for a presentation.  So I then asked what time meeting was and if I could pray for him and his meeting.  I felt that God was revealing His plan for me in little pieces throughout that day.  God played meaningful music while I was driving that reminded me 'He has a plan for me' and for me to 'be patient and trust in Him'.  Even at our quarterly leadership meeting at church on Saturday, the message was a great reminder to "ask God for the impossible, because anything less is an insult to Him". 

Thank you, Lord God, for the renewed sense of hope, joy and peace in Noel.  Thank you for renewing his purpose, refreshing his strength, lifting his spirit.  To you, O Lord, be all the glory.  May my life and Noel's life shine ever greater with your Spirit as you hone us in your light.

In Jesus' name, I give my life and my husband's life, into your loving hands.  Amen.

Noel and I at Footprints! youthgroup Senior Sendoff 2014:

 

Gift of Sleep

Yay, I'm home!!!!!!

Bed... so comfy... it's calling out to me.

Quickly, I change clothes and roll into bed.  

Soft

Cool 

Welcoming 

Pulling a sheet over me, I wiggle myself into the perfect spot.  

Peace 

Quiet 

Calm

Slowly, my eyes drift shut.

*phone ringing*

What? Huh?  Oh.... 2 hours have past.  Wow... I haven't been able to drift off into sleep so easily in weeks!

Father God, thank you so much for a good nap.  Growing up, I never had any trouble sleeping.  As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm totally out and gone.  Prior to this past year, I never understood what it meant or what it felt like to lay down and not have my mind shut off.  Now I know.  One more item to add on my growing list of personal experiences.  *wry grin*

Lord, these past few weeks, I'm crawling into bed by 8pm.  My mind isn't able to drift off until 2am. Then I wake up around 4:40am, 5:30am, 6:10am... by the time 6:30 rolls around, I'm supposed to be out of bed and getting ready for work.  Father, thank you for helping me through these sleepless nights when even though I'm super tired and my body won't shut off enough to rest, thank you that I can still function on so little sleep.  During these times, searching for sleep, craving rest, thank you for always keeping me company.

Father, thank you for giving me this body that keeps getting stronger.  I don't feel dizzy or shaky as often as I used to.  I don't feel as miserable and tired like I did 4 months ago. I'm no longer in pain like I was 6 months ago.  I no longer feel hopelessly broken like I did a year ago.  As each day passes, the memory of old difficulties fade as I confront new and more immediate trials.

Thank you, Father God, that you are totally in control of my life, my health, my work.  Thank you for giving me the strength and motivation to add more hours at my work.  Thank you for providing a work schedule where I can commit to being present.  Thank you that every struggle, every hurt, every mistake... that none of my time here on Earth is wasted.  Thank you that each difficulty is used to grow my strength, my courage and my faith in you.

Lord God, I don't know where I'm headed in this life nor what I'll be able to do in the future... but I do know that you have a plan, a purpose, a reason for this life of mine.

So, in Jesus' name I continue to dedicate this life to my Lord God, amen.  

During our youthgroup's 2014 Senior SendOff event, this is a picture of me and LegoMan:

In Broken Hopes & Dreams

Opening my laptop, I see a sticky note.  "DO YOUR BLOG!  =P  MUAH!"

Noel went off to the church retreat for the weekend and I'm finding surprise notes all around the house.  So cute! 

But.... I don't wanna!  Actually, I already have a blog post written... just don't want to edit it and post it.  You'd think the editing and posting is easy... well, it is.  I'm just lazy.  I'd rather write a handful of journal entries than to go through it again and again to polish it.  =S 

Okay.  Okay.  Think of this long 3-week break from blogging as my birthday gift to myself.  *smirk*  I'll get my butt back in gear now.  Yup yup....

(Sitting at my computer.  Staring at the word-filled screen.  Hand on mouse.  Motionless.)

6 hours later...

July 6, 2014

"What will you be like in 20 years?  What do you expect to have?  Write each individual want, dream, hope, expectation down on its own piece of paper."

High school youth sprawl on the floor in a large circle.  Thoughtful faces.  Intense scribbling. First one paper then another flies to the center.  Quickly, a small pile of bent and creased index cards form.

"Here, lets have two of you organize all the papers into groups and label the theme of each pile."

House.  Job.  Car.  Vacation locations.  Husband/Wife.  Children.  Hobbies.  Successes.  Personal characteristics.  Money.  Stability.  Comfort items.  Material goods.  This is what these youth want to achieve, acquire and experience in their future.

Organizing the piles of what these youth want in their lives 20 years down the road, I see a reflection of my own hopes and dreams.

My eyes scan across the semi-circle of youth sprawling on the floor.  I see apathy and curiosity, alert attentiveness and casual disinterest.  Either way, no one is talking.  All ears are open to listen and all eyes pointing towards Noel and I.  Now, it is our turn to share.  Using these cards neatly organized in front of us, Noel and I will take turns sharing our own dreams from our high school days and the outcomes we experience now, many years later.

Grabbing a pile, I look at the topic:  "Husband/Wife."  Ahhhhhh, this brings back memories.  I remember laying in bed, eyes unfocused, staring at the ceiling.  What kind of husband do I want?  What kind of marriage do I want to have?  How serious am I going to be about my criteria and why?

I'd like a man who is handsome, but we all get old anyways so this will go on my "I would like but not have to have list."  My whole family is tall, so someone who is at least 5'8" to 5'10" would be great.  A man who speaks Mandarin so he can participate with my family during dinner conversations that switch between Chinese and English is ideal.  

On the other hand, there are things I absolutely will not compromise on.  I need someone who loves me and sees/knows the real me.  I have to have a man who loves God first and has the heart to follow Jesus Christ above even his heart for me because this is the type of life I want to live for myself.  I seek a man who desires to grow his relationship with God as his priority so that we can be of one heart and one mind... to truly be able to say that Jesus Christ is the head of our household in all respects, to be equals and acknowledged stewards of all God's given gifts.  I want a husband with whom I can share my entire life with.  A man to share in my future and my goals.  A man who will walk the same path I do, towards Jesus Christ.  This is my dream husband, my ideal.

Before I met Noel, there was only one man who ever made it past the barriers around my heart.  He was a childhood friend.  I can say that I really really liked him.  Back in college, we would talk on the phone every night.  Sometimes, he would come up to Davis to meet me.  One time, I even went down to LA to meet him.  One night while we were talking on the phone, I got asked the question "will you be my girlfriend?"  Happy and ecstatic, I wanted to answer "yes!"  But wait... my purpose of a boyfriend is for assessing if the man is appropriate to be my husband.  This man does not know God, much less place Jesus as first in his life.  He cannot, as he is now, be my life partner.  No matter how hard we try to work this relationship, he will never understand my heart for Christ unless he also experiences the same.  As things stand, he will never be able to be my spiritual equal, to walk in the same direction, to understand the reasoning behind my decisions, to truly know the largest aspect of my life.  I don't want to be lonely in my walk with my Lord God from the person who is supposed to walk closest by my side on this earth.

I remember having to say "no, I cannot be your girlfriend."  Trying to explain myself, telling this man that even if I cared for him... that a deeper relationship would not work out.  I remember that night, sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.  I lay huddled in my sleeping bag with tears constantly seeping out of my eyes.  Fist in my mouth, I did my best to stifle my cries.  My chest hurts.  I'm suffocating inside.  I can't believe I just let go of this someone I really really wanted to be with... but, in the long run, I would hurt more to stick with someone, who I knew from the very start, didn't walk towards the same future I seek.

Lord, to me, following you is worth this pain.  My heart twists inside, but I want to choose you over myself.  I need you, Father God, more than anything else this world offers.  Even though I struggle to let go of what I think I want, what I think I need... Lord, I know that you have even better.

You, Father God, Jesus Christ, are my goal, my role model, my purpose in this life.  You hold my true heart.  You know me above and beyond what I even know of myself.  I will not accept second best.  Lord God, you take first in my heart so give me a partner who will also place you first.  Sooth this pain I feel in my chest.  Someday, if it is your will, allow me to walk beside a man who seeks you first, and in doing so, may I have a man who can run besides me, chasing you as our sole goal in life.

Now, years later, I can proudly say that the wait is worth it.  Having Noel walk besides me, supporting me, loving me in ways I never imagined possible... I can state that the husband I am blessed with, together, we walk towards Jesus Christ.  Eyes both fixed on God.  Supporting each other when we stumble.  Celebrating together in the joys of this life.  At peace in seeing God's blessings and provisions... I have a partner, who is fully my equal, who shores up my weaknesses and I his, one who allows me to grow my strengths, one who I can lean on to let God lead in our marriage.  I am blessed with Noel, who is beyond any dream a high school or college girl could have... a husband who's goal is to live as Christ calls.  The wait is worth it.  Every year, every day, I fall more and more in love with this man God placed in my life: walking the same path, pulling at each other when one strays... always, the same goal under the leadership of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father God, you do know my heart.  You know what I can handle and provide accordingly.  Lord, as I struggle to choose you first in all aspects of my life, I get to experience your blessings in ways I've never imagined possible.  By giving up my first romance for you, Lord, I gained Noel.  For giving up racing cars, I gained the honor of becoming a youth counselor and the ability to impact young lives.  By giving my health and my future into your care, I am blessed with peace of heart and a purpose in my daily life.

Lord Jesus, in giving up my own definition of my hopes, dreams and their acquisition by my hands... In you, I have gained more joy, more love, more hope, more peace, and more fulfillment.  In breaking me of my youthful desires for my future, you in turn continue to grow my dreams even larger by changing their definitions, expanding potentials, and opening new doors.

Lord, you love me enough that you don't want me to remain as a caterpillar but to evolve into a butterfly.  The growth process is painful, sometimes disheartening... But the end result is that by your power, I can fly into a realm a caterpillar can never reach.  

Thank you, Lord, for caring about me enough to release me from the chains of this earth, for giving me new hope and bigger dreams.  Thank you for giving me a purpose to live; one bigger than myself.  Lord, as I start another year of my life, help hone my dreams.  Shape me into a person who shines so brightly with your spirit that people see you instead.  Thank you for gifting me with wings growing ever bigger, ever brighter.  Thank you for helping me fly ever higher.

Lord, following you is my dream.  Responding to and sharing your love is my purpose in this life.  You, O Lord, are my greatest treasure.  Thank you for allowing me to aim so high.  Thank you for guiding me when I stubbornly stray.  Thank you for your infinite patience and this astounding peace.

In Jesus' name, amen.

What are your dreams?  

Where does your heart lay?  

What do you treasure most?

May you be blessed to stay true to your real path, to grow ever greater your dreams and to know where your real treasures lay.

My family celebrating my birthday with dinner:

Dreaming of Paintball

Rumble.  Squeak.  The garage door opening.  They’re back! 

Rolling out of bed, I creep to the top of the stairs.  Peering down over the banister, I don’t see anyone.  Pause.  Anyone coming in?  Listening.  Nope.  Inching down the stairs, I pad over to the kitchen.  Hearing voices through the door, I take a peek.  Ah, they’re standing outside!  Slipping on my shoes, I step out to join them.

Car trunk is open with paintball guns neatly lined-up inside.  Piles of dirty paintball laundry stuffed in bags and tossed to the side.  Busy stacking the pod packs and face masks out to rinse, I watch the guys stumble back and forth to organize the equipment.  Slowly bending down, some of the guys sit on the ground with deep sighs of relief.  *smirk*  They each must have played hard.  Today, Noel took some of the young men to play advanced paintball.  Some of these young men have played with us for a couple of years… This time, they’re helping us clean the equipment they used.  LOL… did I mention… there’s a LOT of stuff to clean?  *wide grin*

Squatting down, I join in the fun.  Stories fly back and forth of shooting and being shot at, paintballs that bounce and don’t break, dodging, attacking, bunkering (getting shot at close range), running drills, shooting one-on-one… *drool*

Energy. 

Excitement. 

Adrenaline. 

The smell of broken paint permeates the air.  Dirt and paint are smeared on clothing.  Feet shuffle.  Voices rumble. 

A part of me is so envious.  I want to go out and play.  I want to hunt others down and to be hunted on the paintball field.  I want to polish my techniques: stay tucked-in tight, run fast, slide, attack, dodge.  I want to feel the breeze through gaps in my gear, work my muscles to the point of collapse, experience the heart-pounding adrenaline, eyes darting for targets, mind whirling for a better attack angle.  I miss paintball.  It’s times like this, when all the dirty gear is spread out, that I remember what my body used to be able to do.  I remember how far I’ve fallen.  I acknowledge how much more climbing I still need to do.

Someday… 

Someday I will return to the paintball field.  I will run my body hard with no concern of consequences.  I will shoot and be shot at.  I will once again crawl, slide, hide, stand and run.   I will hear my heart thumping in my ears.  I will have my muscles burn with fatigue.  I will once again put my gear on dry and peel them off soaking with sweat.  My blood will flow fast and hard.  New bruises and welts will appear.  Blood will drip from scrapes and cuts. 

Awesome.

I love playing paintball: the challenge, the teamwork, the communication.  Protecting and being protected.  A combination of patience and aggressiveness.  Paintball is more than just shooting your opponents.  Attitude matters.  Heart.  Hope.  Integrity.  Battling between a fine line of winning and losing where sometimes a slip or a random shot can make all the difference.  Luck.  Strength.  Wisdom.  Skill.  Experience.

For now, I can only assist.  I’m too tired to even make it out to the field to cheer people on, but just for now… just for this short period of time, I want to be here, right in the midst of sweaty gear, paint-smeared guns, tired players and bask in the stories of defeat and of success.

Father God, times like these I wish I was well again.  My fingers are itching to play paintball.  I crave carrying my gun and dodging paint.  As I look at my gear, my heart pounds in anticipation.  When I actually lift my equipment, not even fully geared in pads or carrying a load of paint, not even 5 minutes and my body is quivering in complaint.  After verbally assisting with the clean-up outside, I’m feeling so tired I sit at the dinner table.  Still more tired, I half-lay on the couch.  Not good enough.  *deep sigh*  Giving up, I crawl upstairs to lie in bed.

Lord, when will I recover?  When can I play paintball again?  Even just a little bit.  Father God, Lord of Heaven and Earth… give me the strength to return to work full-time and the endurance to play like I once used to.

Thank you for helping my body heal and letting me slowly get stronger.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity and the wisdom to rest.  Thank you that my most recent CT scan is clear of any abnormal growth.  Yay!!!  I won't have to see the cancer doctor for another 4 months!  Thank you, Lord God, that in you, I always have hope, purpose and goals to look forward to.  Thank you for creating me with a personality that doesn’t easily give up.  Thank you for my stubbornness, my strength in you and the courage you’ve given me to live this life. 

In Jesus’ name I give God all the glory, in good times and bad, amen.

See you all next week!  *hugs*

K

 

Aftermath clean-up of paintball equipment with Benson hanging out... this is what our dinner table looks like:

 

 

Holding Back, Moving Forward

Time flies in the blink of an eye.  Work.  Eat.  Sleep.  Repeat.

By now, I had hoped to be back at work full-time.  I mean, come on... it's been 6 months since the last chemotherapy injection! 

Accepting the fact that my body cannot handle full-time work, I concede to working only 8-hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I was hoping that by May, or at the very latest, start of June, I could return to work full-time.  I want to be a productive, fully present, member of the team at work.

Hasn't happened yet.

Every time I say that I feel stronger and I tell myself "if next week remains steady, I'll add in those extra 8 hours a week and finally work myself back to full-time!"  *super hopeful look*

Nope... every time I even _think_ something about increasing my working hours, my body rebels by telling myself it's tired.  *deep sigh*  So yeah... I'm still on 8-hours for 3 days a week.

"Rest is good."

"Your body's gone through a lot."

"Just be patient a little longer."

Easy being told, but hard to hear because there's no end in sight.  Try living this lifestyle when there's a thousand-and-one things you want to do!  I still haven't gone rockclimbing yet.  I haven't played paintball since last November!  No matter what anyone tells me, I'm getting pretty impatient with myself.

But on the positive side, I am able to do more daily activities such as cooking one or two meals a week, cleaning up a little after myself, and just sitting up with Noel to watch a movie.  The basics in life.  Simple pleasures.  *wide grin*

Father God, thank you for allowing me to work part-time at my job.  Thank you that I am able to consistently work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays almost this entire month!  Thank you that I can do a little more than pure bed-rest on my days off.

 Hurray!!!

Lord, I ask for your wisdom in ramping up my activity levels.  I ask for increasing endurance to look ahead and keep moving.  I ask for the joy of abiding in you as I live day by day.  I ask for strength to continue testing my limits.  I ask for rest so I don't drop with fatigue.  I ask for the courage to keep pushing ahead.  I ask for health so I don't catch a cold.

Don't let me get lazy or complacent. Don't let me be content with what I am physically capable of doing.  Don't let me stagnate in my daily life.

Father, this life you've given me is really amazing!  Help me continue to enjoy each day.  Open my eyes to see the beauty in this life and this lifestyle.  Let me focus on you instead of myself. Give me the strength to use my weakness.  Give me the hope of seeing you in every part of my life.  Brighten my heart so that darkness has no place.  Hold me tight so I don't stray from your side.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.  

Have a great week everyone!  I wrote three different potential blog posts, but ended up going with this one because my brain isn't thinking clearly enough to edit.  Heheheeee... *sheepish grin*

Recently, I'm playing with my newly acquired silver chains and synthetic opals.  The deep sparkle of these opals reminds me that life is more than just what I can and cannot do... what's below the surface matters.  So long as I have God's Spirit shining in my life, my life will never be dull.  Yay!!!  =D

Mika's sleeping on me.... ahhhhhh, can't get up!

Every Moment Counts

Noel is coming home.  Hurray!!!!  He’s arriving tonight after a week in Hawaii. I get two precious days with him before sending him off again for a couple of days in San Diego. Two days. Time is ticking.

Sitting in my car, I wait for Noel’s call.  I’m in a parking lot with other cars, all waiting for the signal that the person we came to pick-up is here.  Other cars come and they go.  Where’s Noel’s call?  *ring ring*  Yes!  He’s here!  Wait 5 minutes then come?  Okay.  I should pick you up at the end of the arrival area?  Sure!

I wait close to 4 minutes.  Long enough.  Time to go see my husband!  Driving over to the arrival area, I cruise until I see a break in all the cars.  Should I park here?  Naw, Noel said end of the line of cars.  Ummmm, after the break in the cars picking up passengers, I pass a bunch of taxis.  After the taxis, there’s no parking/pick-up area.  Grrrr… that first opening I saw was probably the pick-up area Noel wanted me to go for.  Nooooooo!

Frustrated and irritated, I step on the gas.  I have to circle the whole airport and redo the pick-up situation.  My meeting with Noel will be delayed and I have to deal with all these speed bumps and traffic lights.  *deep sigh*  This isn’t the attitude I wanted to greet my husband with.  I don’t want to waste my time and energy feeling bad.  What’s done is done.  Focus, I get to see Noel soon.  Kristy, pull yourself out of this mental pit, be positive!  I only have 2 days to spend with Noel, I don’t want to meet him all grumpy.  Cheer up!

I want to fully bask my husband's smile, his voice, the strength of his arms. Yay!  I'm so looking forward to having my husband home. My heart sings. My spirit dances. Thank you, Father God, for bringing my husband back to my side... Even just for a bit... Thank you for the opportunity to live by his side just a moment longer.

Father God, I thank you for this week.  That even with Noel away from home, you provided for my health.  Last week sucked and I was miserable, tired and not feeling my best.  This week, you gave me the energy to cook for myself while Noel’s gone.  I had the strength to play with two of my neighbors, teaching two girls how to make their own silver necklace using cutters, pliers, acid and even a flame torch!  I was able to make it through this work-week without dragging my feet in fatigue.  I successfully cooked for my friends from work without crashing.  This week is amazing!  Lord, thank you that even though I don’t know what my body is going to be like day to day, that you still provide for me above and beyond all my expectations. 

Lord, it’d be nice if I had this energy and strength all the time, or even the consistancy of knowing what days will be good and what days wouldn’t… but Lord, in whatever state my body ends up, I am blessed to see you always there for me… the good times and the bad.

Thank you, Lord, for this ability to know that I am blessed every single moment.  In the changing of my days, I can clearly see your provisions.  In my weakness, I get to lean on your strength.  In my strength, I get to celebrate the joy of being alive.  Each bit of time I have, every opportunity you give, I am blessed by you to really live this one life I’m given.  Help me not waste even a fraction of your blessings; I want it all.  Don’t let me miss out on how good life with you really is. 

Even as I crave comfort, consistancy, assurance of the future, strength, endurance and times of happiness… Lord, I thank you that I don’t always have those things so that I see you so much clearer and get to enjoy this life more fully.  So bring it on!  The life you want me to experience, how you want me to live, so be it.  So long as I get to be immersed in your love, your provisions, your power, your mercy, your very presence… this life is so worth it. 

I’ve gotta say, it really is true that even though my life is filled with so many ups and downs; overall, I’m more alive than I’ve ever been when I was healthy and physically independent.  Funny… to be able to say that being physically broken is a blessing.  Weird huh?

May you be blessed to know the joys of this life.  Be blessed by God eternal, to see the wonders of being alive in both the good times and the bad.  Until next week, take care!

 

Teaching two neighborhood kids how to make an opal necklace: