Dealing with shock

After Noel and I found out I had cancer this past Wednesday... He stayed home with me instead of going back to work. He held me. We cried.

I don't know or understand why I was crying... My chest just ached. I felt lost. I've always known that this life ends... So why does a more tangible amount of living make a difference? Is the thought of leaving that bad? Death is the end of pain, hardships, stress... But still, I want to live. I want the times of hardship and I want the times of unrestrained joy. I want to keep experiencing _this_ life.

After crying, we slept. Sleep is a huge blessing! Waking up... I felt more put-together, calm, renewed, refreshed. I felt as if I could take on the world... And win! *grin*

That night, we returned to our friend's home to continue with Subersive Life (week-long sleepover with 14 other people, growing together, learning to serve together, praying together... The community activity I mentioned earlier).

Stepping through the door, 2 friends greet us and ask "how was your day?" Somehow, just those words broke down the fragile walls I built around my heart, and tears once again slid down my face. So much for facing the world and winning huh? Noel sees me cry, he cries. I see him cry, then I cry. A friend cries, then I also cry. I'm getting tired of crying... But I can't seem to stop tearing up. *grumble* Crying sucks! My face gets soaking wet, snot dribbles down towards my lip, and my nose is so stuffed up that if you cover my mouth, I'd suffocate! Lovely sight. I hate crying... And I hate crying even more in public! *sigh*

If Noel and I were home alone, I'd never show this fragile part of myself to anyone but Noel... I'd not show anyone my tears...I'd build up my internal walls... I'd feel fine... But later, I would not be able to open up. I'm good at building internal walls that take years to break. *wink* lots of practice. Instead, God provided a schedule where I couldn't take the time to build my usual walls, couldn't hide until I put myself back together, couldn't just say "I'm okay." I like my way of handling stress... much more comfortable! Unfortunately, God has other ideas... better ones.

One thing I really appreciated that Wednesday night was the friendship. Everyone gathered around and we prayed together as a family in Christ... Turning to the one God we know is powerful enough to make a difference, to bring comfort, to bring peace.

After that, we continued with our night's planned activity... Pairing up into twos in order to talk to people about God. I hate walking up to strangers... Feels like I'm imposing on their time and stepping into their space... Only to never see them again. Sounds kinda pointless huh? But it wasn't. I was able to appreciate my partner's calm strength, steady presence, and constant support.

I don't know what the strangers thought of us... But talking to one homeless guy... Learning about his struggles, his hardships, his past mistakes, his loss... And yet, his continued will to live...I felt very blessed. I watched as tears seeped from this man's weather-worn face as he stated exactly how many years, weeks, and days since he lost his girlfriend. I listened as he talked about loosing first his mom, money, RV... loosing everything he posessed, bit by bit... The people and material things disappeared from his life. This week, he lost his sleeping place to a group of drug addicts who first beat him up and then kicked him out... Now he sleeps in bushes with no cover, no tent. He begs for money for both alcohol and food... And yet, even in his situation and lifestyle, he can laugh and he can smile.

So what do I have to be sad about??? A future in which I don't know what will happen? I have a future still filled with potential, with hope, with a diagnosis God can overturn if he chooses, with fun... A body that _is_ getting better with less pain.

Thank you God for opening my eyes to see my blessings. Thank you for a huge support network. Thank you that I will not have to undergo trials that are beyond my capability to handle when I lean on your strength. Thank you that as I try to serve you and serve others, I feel even more lucky, more blessed, more loved than if I hid behind internal walls. Thank you Father that I know I am loved beyond reason. Thank you for not just providing me support, but that you also provide for Noel, our families, and our friends... That, Lord, you can turn a seemingly bad situation and use it to grow me and all those around me even stronger together... To break many walls so that each person can truly link to another. I thank you Lord God for teaching us how to build a true community as a family and as one body in Christ Jesus. I thank you for this strength that is not my own.

I give praise to my heavenly Father in Jesus' name, amen.