I can write what I can't directly say

Talking to people directly about how and what I feel is very difficult.  At least when I initiate the conversation, I tend to shy away from speaking completely what I feel and what I want to say.  Plus,  how much do you really want to know about me and what I go through?  *smirk*

At least in writing, you, as my audience, can leave at any time.  *grin*  At the same time, feel free to talk to me about what I write; it lets me know that it's okay to talk...that the uncomfortable stuff I say is acceptable.


Yesterday, I went to see my surgeon.  The good news is that I got my stitches removed!  Now, I've just got itchy steri-strips on to minimize the scar... But no visible wound opening this time! Yay!!!

Bad new: even though the full official pathology report isn't back yet, I've been diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma; a very rare type of smooth muscle cancer... the type that doesn't respond well to radiation or chemotherapy.  Go figure... I'm very unique.  Problem with this form of cancer is that it responds best to surgery; every time you find one, get it cut out.  Sounds simple, but I'm really not into having any more abdominal surgeries!  I'm also not sure risking chemo or radiation is even worth the potential side effects.   *shrug*  Noel and I are still trying to see what this will mean for our future... How long will I live?  Will we have kids?   Will I have to go through more surgeries?  Will I fully heal from this surgery?  Is the numbness on my right thigh permanent?

Questions with no definite answers.

I'm scared...

Dying is easy.  The thought of a slow death writhing in pain and weakness really isn't appealing.  The thought of leaving Noel alone in this world hurts even more... but living is hard.

Even now, I sometimes fear to eat.  As my body digests food of any type...soft or firm, veggie or meat... I writhe in pain as the food passes through my intestines.  Somehow after this surgery, my incisions feel sore but fine, the ache diminishes a little more each day.  Inside, I feel like someone bruised me to a pulp and stuffed my intestines back inside.  When I eat, the food, and even the air, passing through my digestive system makes me freeze and catch my breath.  Most times, I squirm a little hoping to alleviate the sharp pain.  Other times, I feel like pounding the walls or tearing myself open to stop the pain or distract myself... I don't know.  It's in these most painful times that I feel helpless... The pain doesn't usually last long, but I'm also never sure when it'll hit me.

I don't know what to think anymore.  Will I heal and this pain end?  Or is this pain something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life?  It's only been 15 days since the surgery... But what scares me is that this surgery is nothing like the last time.


Lord Father in heaven, thank you that I don't have controll of my life.   If I did, I'd never experience your presence and provisions as I do now.  Thank you, Lord, for the times with no pain and no ache.  Thank you for my past filled with cool fun activities such as racing, rockclimbing, and paintballing.

Thank you Lord for the peace I have when I turn to you.  Thank you for the joy I still take in this life.  Thank you for the hope I have that you'll always provide.  Thank you for the strength, courage, and support.

I know that your provisions may not be health or wealth in money, but I know beyond a doubt that I am loved by my Lord Jesus who willingly died and resurected so that I may have a personal relationship with my Father in heaven.  I look forward to the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom, strength, and courage when I lack these qualities.  I trust an all powerful Father-God who lets nothing happen without a reason.  May my life and how I live it be honoring to you Lord, may my attitude bring you glory, and my life a living praise.

In Jesus' name I thank you Lord for the comfort you provide and the strength I find in your presence, amen.