Today is my chosen day to flop in the sun, read manga by the pool, and ignore all technology for a while. I loved it!!! *grin*
Before the warm rays of sun start to burn, I would roll over... Kinda like how a rotisserie chicken is cooked. *smirk* It'd be nice to get a light golden tan... Just don't wanna be burnt! The pure bliss of being alone wore out after 2 hours... The manga I carried with me... all done!
With a light scrape of the pool-side chair, I pushed myself into sitting. My manga lightly scrapped as I grabbed them from a nearby table. Keys jangled loudly as I dangled them from dusty fingertips. As I prepared to leave, I observed at least 5 long spiderwebs floating on the breeze. Where there are loose webs, there's sure to be a spider attached! Ahhhhhh.... I hate spiders! Quickly, I bury myself back into the chair and watch in horror as the webs approach.
Slowly, the webs drift closer, descending from nearby trees down to my level. Grrrrr... I have nowhere to run, the webs are also drifting across my escape route. *sigh* I can't do anything and I'm not about to get wrapped up in webs that'll bring a spider into contact with me!
Sitting back, fear turns into fascination. The webs are no longer approaching me; instead, the webs drift on an invisible breeze above the pool. Light glints off long portions as the spiderwebs wave and weave with each other... never quite touching... never tangling... Just lightly spinning in their soft silent dance above still waters.
I was mesmerized. I wanted to capture the dancing webs on my phone, but the electronics would never be able to pick up the slight flash of light, nor would it pick up something as thin as a web in open space. In a moment that felt like eternity, the sun-kissed spiderwebs rose, lifted high by an unseen wind, and disappeared. I sat, staring over the pool, hoping for another glimpse of delicately dancing webs on an invisible wind... And only heard the russeling of leaves. Disappointed, I finally left. Part of my heart is still back at the pool... still mesmerized by a beauty I never imagined could exist under the sun... still looking for fragile webs and invisible wings.
Lord, thank you for blessing me with the time and heart to see the beauty of your creation. My words cannot compare to what I saw today. But may you, Lord in heaven, use this blog to open my eyes and of those reading these words, to see the unearthly beauty of your creations... To take joy from this earth you created... And to find peace in the miracles of everyday life.
In Jesus' name I give thanks to an amazingly loving Father in heaven, amen.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Being Still
So much of the day is filled with busy-work. Everything has to be done sometime... but does everything need to be done now?
Before this surgery, every hour was filled with something... work, cooking, cleaning, projects, church events, and even my own "time-off" for reading or watching TV. Somehow, even as I was supposed to rest, I never really felt rested. Even vacations make me feel more drained! What's wrong with me?
So what is rest? How do I gain a satisfying peace-filled mini vacation? How can I recover and be filled when I feel drained empty inside?
After surgery, I'm finally starting to get a glimpse of what resting really is for me. It's not checking and responding to emails first thing in the morning, or brushing my teeth, or eating breakfast, or completing my never-ending list of to-do items. I find myself most refreshed just being still in God's presence. I praise God for the warm sun striking my skin, the faint russling of leaves in the background, light rippling off water, or even the bugs busily working in the dirt. Appreciating God creation, placing myself and my time in God's hands first before my busy-work... I now feel more at peace, more at rest, more joyful, more hopeful than I have felt in a long time. This feeling of rest can last the whole day, even when I'm running around getting stuff done. *grin* I'm learning to recharge my batteries before I run just on empty fumes. *smirk*
Still, easier said than done. Every morning, I still find myself looking at email or just a doing random things around the house before first spending time with God...silly right? I now know how to feel more complete, more at peace, more at rest... And the process, though easy, takes more effort and more determination to be still in God's presence.
During this time, I'm learning to treasure family, to treasure friendships, to treasure each bit of time I'm given, to treasure how my body works.
Father in heaven, thank you for the lessons I'm learning now. Thank you for the whole-hearted love and support from my husband, family, and friends. Father, may my life and my thoughts be used to honor you. Thank you Lord for teaching me how to rest. Please soften my heart so that I can rest more in your arms... To be re-filled and refreshed by your power and not my own.
Lord, I also ask that you help the pathologists provide an accurate label to my diagnosis. The doctors still haven't received the final results, but I thank you Lord that I'm an interesting case, that my doctors are ready and willing to send me elsewhere for follow-up if needed, that they are considering many options from radiation to another surgery or even a combination of both. I do worry about the side effects and the outcome, but worry changes nothing... So Lord, I continue to give my life and my health into your hands. Thank you for the hope and the peace I have in you. Thank you for the unfettered joy I have in living this life. Thank you Lord that I know you so that I never have to lean on my own power or wisdom to face the challenges of this life. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, so that all my faults that separate myself from you are redeemed and forgiven. Thank you Lord for loving me so much that you provide even better for me than perfect health or more wealth... That instead, I can feel more fulfilled in my imperfection and struggles.
In Jesus' name, I thank you God for loving me and for always providing for me in such a way I know you truly exist, amen.
Before this surgery, every hour was filled with something... work, cooking, cleaning, projects, church events, and even my own "time-off" for reading or watching TV. Somehow, even as I was supposed to rest, I never really felt rested. Even vacations make me feel more drained! What's wrong with me?
So what is rest? How do I gain a satisfying peace-filled mini vacation? How can I recover and be filled when I feel drained empty inside?
After surgery, I'm finally starting to get a glimpse of what resting really is for me. It's not checking and responding to emails first thing in the morning, or brushing my teeth, or eating breakfast, or completing my never-ending list of to-do items. I find myself most refreshed just being still in God's presence. I praise God for the warm sun striking my skin, the faint russling of leaves in the background, light rippling off water, or even the bugs busily working in the dirt. Appreciating God creation, placing myself and my time in God's hands first before my busy-work... I now feel more at peace, more at rest, more joyful, more hopeful than I have felt in a long time. This feeling of rest can last the whole day, even when I'm running around getting stuff done. *grin* I'm learning to recharge my batteries before I run just on empty fumes. *smirk*
Still, easier said than done. Every morning, I still find myself looking at email or just a doing random things around the house before first spending time with God...silly right? I now know how to feel more complete, more at peace, more at rest... And the process, though easy, takes more effort and more determination to be still in God's presence.
During this time, I'm learning to treasure family, to treasure friendships, to treasure each bit of time I'm given, to treasure how my body works.
Father in heaven, thank you for the lessons I'm learning now. Thank you for the whole-hearted love and support from my husband, family, and friends. Father, may my life and my thoughts be used to honor you. Thank you Lord for teaching me how to rest. Please soften my heart so that I can rest more in your arms... To be re-filled and refreshed by your power and not my own.
Lord, I also ask that you help the pathologists provide an accurate label to my diagnosis. The doctors still haven't received the final results, but I thank you Lord that I'm an interesting case, that my doctors are ready and willing to send me elsewhere for follow-up if needed, that they are considering many options from radiation to another surgery or even a combination of both. I do worry about the side effects and the outcome, but worry changes nothing... So Lord, I continue to give my life and my health into your hands. Thank you for the hope and the peace I have in you. Thank you for the unfettered joy I have in living this life. Thank you Lord that I know you so that I never have to lean on my own power or wisdom to face the challenges of this life. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, so that all my faults that separate myself from you are redeemed and forgiven. Thank you Lord for loving me so much that you provide even better for me than perfect health or more wealth... That instead, I can feel more fulfilled in my imperfection and struggles.
In Jesus' name, I thank you God for loving me and for always providing for me in such a way I know you truly exist, amen.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
When someone dies
Today, my great aunt died.
I'm not sure how to feel...she raised me. She gave up her job as a pharmacist and came to the States to raise me and my siblings while my parents worked.
When my family owned a little grocery store, we played there after school... free ice cream and Vienna sausages! On weekends, while we watched morning (and afternoon) cartoons, she would skin and cut fruit for us... even the grape skins and seeds would she carefully remove so that we would eat. Spoiled right? *smile*
Back then, she was a super clean freak... Everything had to be washed just right! She would fold our laundry, cook meals, and even play Chinese checkers with us... She was smart, and gentle, and loved us with all her heart. This is the person I miss... This is the woman I loved and respected!
These last few years, my great aunt struggled with CHF (congestive heart failure), multiple heart attacks, chest pain... diminishing health. For a while, when she stayed at a nursing home, her mind started to slip. She didn't always know who people were or what was going on so my family took her back home.
My grandma, my mom, my sister, and even my dad had to take care of her... Daily dealing with her constipation, diarrhea, increasing physical weakness, discomfort and pain. Her sharp mind never came back.
In these last few days, my dad had to physically carry her. My family changed her diapers, turned her in bed, fed her when she couldn't feed herself.
Today she went to the hospital. Today she died.
I grieve for the woman I knew growing up. I cry for the woman who raised me and struggled so hard to live.
Lord Father in heaven, I thank you that my great aunt is finally at rest and out of pain. I thank you for the opportunity of loving and being loved by her. If she had Jesus in her heart, as a Child of God, I thank you that I'll see her again.
For now, Lord, I ask that you bring my family close together. Give us hope that we'll someday meet again in your presence. Give us peace as we learn to live without her. Give us strength as we lean on each other. Give us a heart to rejoice now that my great aunt is no longer suffering.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
I'm not sure how to feel...she raised me. She gave up her job as a pharmacist and came to the States to raise me and my siblings while my parents worked.
When my family owned a little grocery store, we played there after school... free ice cream and Vienna sausages! On weekends, while we watched morning (and afternoon) cartoons, she would skin and cut fruit for us... even the grape skins and seeds would she carefully remove so that we would eat. Spoiled right? *smile*
Back then, she was a super clean freak... Everything had to be washed just right! She would fold our laundry, cook meals, and even play Chinese checkers with us... She was smart, and gentle, and loved us with all her heart. This is the person I miss... This is the woman I loved and respected!
These last few years, my great aunt struggled with CHF (congestive heart failure), multiple heart attacks, chest pain... diminishing health. For a while, when she stayed at a nursing home, her mind started to slip. She didn't always know who people were or what was going on so my family took her back home.
My grandma, my mom, my sister, and even my dad had to take care of her... Daily dealing with her constipation, diarrhea, increasing physical weakness, discomfort and pain. Her sharp mind never came back.
In these last few days, my dad had to physically carry her. My family changed her diapers, turned her in bed, fed her when she couldn't feed herself.
Today she went to the hospital. Today she died.
I grieve for the woman I knew growing up. I cry for the woman who raised me and struggled so hard to live.
Lord Father in heaven, I thank you that my great aunt is finally at rest and out of pain. I thank you for the opportunity of loving and being loved by her. If she had Jesus in her heart, as a Child of God, I thank you that I'll see her again.
For now, Lord, I ask that you bring my family close together. Give us hope that we'll someday meet again in your presence. Give us peace as we learn to live without her. Give us strength as we lean on each other. Give us a heart to rejoice now that my great aunt is no longer suffering.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Medicine and Food and Friends
This post surgery life is very weird! Before surgery, I eat a little bit of everything in sight! My friends at work can attest to the fact that I rarely ever turn down food. A little food here, a little food there . . . *grin* I'm always eating or have food handy . . . just in case I get hungry. *smirk*
About the 12th or13th day post-op, I decided to stop taking pain medicine. Beyond the fact that I dislike taking medications . . . I didn't want to be in the position where every time I ached, I felt the need to take more meds . . . just in case! By the fourth day of not taking any medications . . . I finally came to acknowledge that I _needed_ to take medication. The pain didn't let me sleep well, I ached too much to move, people around me got more worried, and my daily food intake dropped way low. These then became my reasons for taking pain meds again. *sigh* At least now, I know I am getting better, I only need like one pill every day or two. Victory!!! *grin*
The reason I mention food is because even now, when I don't feel pain, I am no longer in the habit of eating everything in sight. I actually have to work to make myself eat! Having to think about eating very weird.
Thank you everyone out there who has provided me food and drinks!!! =D Having the yummy variety of things to eat is making a huge difference in enticing me to eat proper meals. I'm still too lazy to get up and eat breakfast, but I now make sure I eat at least 2 full meals and 1-2 snack-meals a day. Hurray! Moreover, the thought of having wounds reopen from poor nutrition scares me . . . so I'm also counting calories to make sure I actually eat enough! *wink*
On a double positive note . . . I don't have to wear my abdominal binder anymore and I no longer feel drained just from sitting upright!
Thank you Heavenly Father for the words of wisdom (like "take those pain meds" and "don't be such a guy") and the supplies of supper yummy food and drinks I have received from very loving and supportive friends to help me get better. Receiving so much support and care from so many people is something I'm still learning to graciously accept . . . so Lord, please teach me to joyfully receive the support and help from others... this is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I've always been very independent and able to do everything myself, always wanting to help others, but not knowing how receive help. Thank you Father for providing so many people who want to help and are patient with me as I go through with this learning process.
Lord, I ask that when I go to radiology this Thursday, that if there's anything to find in my chest/lungs, may it be found, documented, and addressed. On the other hand, Father, I ask that if there's nothing to find, then may there be no false readings on the scan.
I also want to ask for wisdom for me, Noel, and all the medical staff involved in regards to how to progress with my diagnosis of leiomyosarcoma (or whatever else it may be) . . . for wisdom and accuracy in the questions asked, tests ordered and taken, assessments done, intervention/treatment process . . . this whole health issue. I ask Lord that you take control of how my cancer is dealt with.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have in you. For the continued support of all my friends and family showered upon this household, for knowing that I'm loved and cared for . . .
In Jesus' name, amen
About the 12th or13th day post-op, I decided to stop taking pain medicine. Beyond the fact that I dislike taking medications . . . I didn't want to be in the position where every time I ached, I felt the need to take more meds . . . just in case! By the fourth day of not taking any medications . . . I finally came to acknowledge that I _needed_ to take medication. The pain didn't let me sleep well, I ached too much to move, people around me got more worried, and my daily food intake dropped way low. These then became my reasons for taking pain meds again. *sigh* At least now, I know I am getting better, I only need like one pill every day or two. Victory!!! *grin*
The reason I mention food is because even now, when I don't feel pain, I am no longer in the habit of eating everything in sight. I actually have to work to make myself eat! Having to think about eating very weird.
Thank you everyone out there who has provided me food and drinks!!! =D Having the yummy variety of things to eat is making a huge difference in enticing me to eat proper meals. I'm still too lazy to get up and eat breakfast, but I now make sure I eat at least 2 full meals and 1-2 snack-meals a day. Hurray! Moreover, the thought of having wounds reopen from poor nutrition scares me . . . so I'm also counting calories to make sure I actually eat enough! *wink*
On a double positive note . . . I don't have to wear my abdominal binder anymore and I no longer feel drained just from sitting upright!
Thank you Heavenly Father for the words of wisdom (like "take those pain meds" and "don't be such a guy") and the supplies of supper yummy food and drinks I have received from very loving and supportive friends to help me get better. Receiving so much support and care from so many people is something I'm still learning to graciously accept . . . so Lord, please teach me to joyfully receive the support and help from others... this is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I've always been very independent and able to do everything myself, always wanting to help others, but not knowing how receive help. Thank you Father for providing so many people who want to help and are patient with me as I go through with this learning process.
Lord, I ask that when I go to radiology this Thursday, that if there's anything to find in my chest/lungs, may it be found, documented, and addressed. On the other hand, Father, I ask that if there's nothing to find, then may there be no false readings on the scan.
I also want to ask for wisdom for me, Noel, and all the medical staff involved in regards to how to progress with my diagnosis of leiomyosarcoma (or whatever else it may be) . . . for wisdom and accuracy in the questions asked, tests ordered and taken, assessments done, intervention/treatment process . . . this whole health issue. I ask Lord that you take control of how my cancer is dealt with.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have in you. For the continued support of all my friends and family showered upon this household, for knowing that I'm loved and cared for . . .
In Jesus' name, amen
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Dealing with shock
After Noel and I found out I had cancer this past Wednesday... He stayed home with me instead of going back to work. He held me. We cried.
I don't know or understand why I was crying... My chest just ached. I felt lost. I've always known that this life ends... So why does a more tangible amount of living make a difference? Is the thought of leaving that bad? Death is the end of pain, hardships, stress... But still, I want to live. I want the times of hardship and I want the times of unrestrained joy. I want to keep experiencing _this_ life.
After crying, we slept. Sleep is a huge blessing! Waking up... I felt more put-together, calm, renewed, refreshed. I felt as if I could take on the world... And win! *grin*
That night, we returned to our friend's home to continue with Subersive Life (week-long sleepover with 14 other people, growing together, learning to serve together, praying together... The community activity I mentioned earlier).
Stepping through the door, 2 friends greet us and ask "how was your day?" Somehow, just those words broke down the fragile walls I built around my heart, and tears once again slid down my face. So much for facing the world and winning huh? Noel sees me cry, he cries. I see him cry, then I cry. A friend cries, then I also cry. I'm getting tired of crying... But I can't seem to stop tearing up. *grumble* Crying sucks! My face gets soaking wet, snot dribbles down towards my lip, and my nose is so stuffed up that if you cover my mouth, I'd suffocate! Lovely sight. I hate crying... And I hate crying even more in public! *sigh*
If Noel and I were home alone, I'd never show this fragile part of myself to anyone but Noel... I'd not show anyone my tears...I'd build up my internal walls... I'd feel fine... But later, I would not be able to open up. I'm good at building internal walls that take years to break. *wink* lots of practice. Instead, God provided a schedule where I couldn't take the time to build my usual walls, couldn't hide until I put myself back together, couldn't just say "I'm okay." I like my way of handling stress... much more comfortable! Unfortunately, God has other ideas... better ones.
One thing I really appreciated that Wednesday night was the friendship. Everyone gathered around and we prayed together as a family in Christ... Turning to the one God we know is powerful enough to make a difference, to bring comfort, to bring peace.
After that, we continued with our night's planned activity... Pairing up into twos in order to talk to people about God. I hate walking up to strangers... Feels like I'm imposing on their time and stepping into their space... Only to never see them again. Sounds kinda pointless huh? But it wasn't. I was able to appreciate my partner's calm strength, steady presence, and constant support.
I don't know what the strangers thought of us... But talking to one homeless guy... Learning about his struggles, his hardships, his past mistakes, his loss... And yet, his continued will to live...I felt very blessed. I watched as tears seeped from this man's weather-worn face as he stated exactly how many years, weeks, and days since he lost his girlfriend. I listened as he talked about loosing first his mom, money, RV... loosing everything he posessed, bit by bit... The people and material things disappeared from his life. This week, he lost his sleeping place to a group of drug addicts who first beat him up and then kicked him out... Now he sleeps in bushes with no cover, no tent. He begs for money for both alcohol and food... And yet, even in his situation and lifestyle, he can laugh and he can smile.
So what do I have to be sad about??? A future in which I don't know what will happen? I have a future still filled with potential, with hope, with a diagnosis God can overturn if he chooses, with fun... A body that _is_ getting better with less pain.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to see my blessings. Thank you for a huge support network. Thank you that I will not have to undergo trials that are beyond my capability to handle when I lean on your strength. Thank you that as I try to serve you and serve others, I feel even more lucky, more blessed, more loved than if I hid behind internal walls. Thank you Father that I know I am loved beyond reason. Thank you for not just providing me support, but that you also provide for Noel, our families, and our friends... That, Lord, you can turn a seemingly bad situation and use it to grow me and all those around me even stronger together... To break many walls so that each person can truly link to another. I thank you Lord God for teaching us how to build a true community as a family and as one body in Christ Jesus. I thank you for this strength that is not my own.
I give praise to my heavenly Father in Jesus' name, amen.
I don't know or understand why I was crying... My chest just ached. I felt lost. I've always known that this life ends... So why does a more tangible amount of living make a difference? Is the thought of leaving that bad? Death is the end of pain, hardships, stress... But still, I want to live. I want the times of hardship and I want the times of unrestrained joy. I want to keep experiencing _this_ life.
After crying, we slept. Sleep is a huge blessing! Waking up... I felt more put-together, calm, renewed, refreshed. I felt as if I could take on the world... And win! *grin*
That night, we returned to our friend's home to continue with Subersive Life (week-long sleepover with 14 other people, growing together, learning to serve together, praying together... The community activity I mentioned earlier).
Stepping through the door, 2 friends greet us and ask "how was your day?" Somehow, just those words broke down the fragile walls I built around my heart, and tears once again slid down my face. So much for facing the world and winning huh? Noel sees me cry, he cries. I see him cry, then I cry. A friend cries, then I also cry. I'm getting tired of crying... But I can't seem to stop tearing up. *grumble* Crying sucks! My face gets soaking wet, snot dribbles down towards my lip, and my nose is so stuffed up that if you cover my mouth, I'd suffocate! Lovely sight. I hate crying... And I hate crying even more in public! *sigh*
If Noel and I were home alone, I'd never show this fragile part of myself to anyone but Noel... I'd not show anyone my tears...I'd build up my internal walls... I'd feel fine... But later, I would not be able to open up. I'm good at building internal walls that take years to break. *wink* lots of practice. Instead, God provided a schedule where I couldn't take the time to build my usual walls, couldn't hide until I put myself back together, couldn't just say "I'm okay." I like my way of handling stress... much more comfortable! Unfortunately, God has other ideas... better ones.
One thing I really appreciated that Wednesday night was the friendship. Everyone gathered around and we prayed together as a family in Christ... Turning to the one God we know is powerful enough to make a difference, to bring comfort, to bring peace.
After that, we continued with our night's planned activity... Pairing up into twos in order to talk to people about God. I hate walking up to strangers... Feels like I'm imposing on their time and stepping into their space... Only to never see them again. Sounds kinda pointless huh? But it wasn't. I was able to appreciate my partner's calm strength, steady presence, and constant support.
I don't know what the strangers thought of us... But talking to one homeless guy... Learning about his struggles, his hardships, his past mistakes, his loss... And yet, his continued will to live...I felt very blessed. I watched as tears seeped from this man's weather-worn face as he stated exactly how many years, weeks, and days since he lost his girlfriend. I listened as he talked about loosing first his mom, money, RV... loosing everything he posessed, bit by bit... The people and material things disappeared from his life. This week, he lost his sleeping place to a group of drug addicts who first beat him up and then kicked him out... Now he sleeps in bushes with no cover, no tent. He begs for money for both alcohol and food... And yet, even in his situation and lifestyle, he can laugh and he can smile.
So what do I have to be sad about??? A future in which I don't know what will happen? I have a future still filled with potential, with hope, with a diagnosis God can overturn if he chooses, with fun... A body that _is_ getting better with less pain.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to see my blessings. Thank you for a huge support network. Thank you that I will not have to undergo trials that are beyond my capability to handle when I lean on your strength. Thank you that as I try to serve you and serve others, I feel even more lucky, more blessed, more loved than if I hid behind internal walls. Thank you Father that I know I am loved beyond reason. Thank you for not just providing me support, but that you also provide for Noel, our families, and our friends... That, Lord, you can turn a seemingly bad situation and use it to grow me and all those around me even stronger together... To break many walls so that each person can truly link to another. I thank you Lord God for teaching us how to build a true community as a family and as one body in Christ Jesus. I thank you for this strength that is not my own.
I give praise to my heavenly Father in Jesus' name, amen.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Stand tall and live!
I write... Not to make you feel guilty or sorrowful... But so that you may rejoice in this lifetime... To live life to it's fullest... To not let the tough times or the sad times drag you down.
I will die... But everyone dies. I just don't plan on dying anytime soon! *grin* I've still got lots of stuff to do, activities to try, and this precious live I'm given to live.
I don't want to live with my head hidden in the ground. I don't want to ignore the people surrounding me. I don't want to miss any of the cool stuff God plans for my life and those around me. I believe God made me with a purpose... I will fulfill that purpose as I continue to walk with my Lord Jesus Christ. For now, I will learn to live even stronger than before. I will smile, not to hide tears, but I will smile because God is good and life is fun.
I've gone through hardships I thought were difficult to deal with: loniliness, fear of loss when my parents fought, stress when money ran out, molestation, addiction... Each time felt worse and harder than the next... but with God's help, I'm not only a survivor, I'm free. With each trial, I gain strength. With each trial, though more difficult, one after the other starts to feel simpler. Each trial required God to carry me when my own strength failed. Each trial, I learn the meaning of blind faith. Each trial, I lean more on God and less on myself. With each trial, I struggle less and come out more.
Looking back, I would not trade away any hardships, any mistakes, anything. I am who you see today because of my past experiences.
Plus, I'm not alone. With Jesus by my side, I'm never truly alone.
Sure I still have the occasional fits of self-pity, anger, frustration, fear, stress... But I will not let any of these emotions hold me down.
Life is what I make of it... And I chose not only to exist... but I chose to live.
Father in heaven, may your vey name be gloified. Thank you for loving an imperfect me. Thank you for the support and help of so many friends and family! Lord, I feel very blessed and very loved.
Thank you Father God for this time I have to write, the ability to be transparent using words. Lord, I just want to be well again, even for a little while. Thank you Lord for a body I took for granted for so long. May you please give me wisdom in regards to what to pray for. I want to ask to be healed completely, but I feel that right now is not yet the time... So Lord in heaven, teach me to pray in your will that my prayers will be answered. Give me strength to keep walking forward, the courage to keep looking up, and wisdom in the thoughts I share.
In Jesus name I ask these things and more, amen.
I will die... But everyone dies. I just don't plan on dying anytime soon! *grin* I've still got lots of stuff to do, activities to try, and this precious live I'm given to live.
I don't want to live with my head hidden in the ground. I don't want to ignore the people surrounding me. I don't want to miss any of the cool stuff God plans for my life and those around me. I believe God made me with a purpose... I will fulfill that purpose as I continue to walk with my Lord Jesus Christ. For now, I will learn to live even stronger than before. I will smile, not to hide tears, but I will smile because God is good and life is fun.
I've gone through hardships I thought were difficult to deal with: loniliness, fear of loss when my parents fought, stress when money ran out, molestation, addiction... Each time felt worse and harder than the next... but with God's help, I'm not only a survivor, I'm free. With each trial, I gain strength. With each trial, though more difficult, one after the other starts to feel simpler. Each trial required God to carry me when my own strength failed. Each trial, I learn the meaning of blind faith. Each trial, I lean more on God and less on myself. With each trial, I struggle less and come out more.
Looking back, I would not trade away any hardships, any mistakes, anything. I am who you see today because of my past experiences.
Plus, I'm not alone. With Jesus by my side, I'm never truly alone.
Sure I still have the occasional fits of self-pity, anger, frustration, fear, stress... But I will not let any of these emotions hold me down.
Life is what I make of it... And I chose not only to exist... but I chose to live.
Father in heaven, may your vey name be gloified. Thank you for loving an imperfect me. Thank you for the support and help of so many friends and family! Lord, I feel very blessed and very loved.
Thank you Father God for this time I have to write, the ability to be transparent using words. Lord, I just want to be well again, even for a little while. Thank you Lord for a body I took for granted for so long. May you please give me wisdom in regards to what to pray for. I want to ask to be healed completely, but I feel that right now is not yet the time... So Lord in heaven, teach me to pray in your will that my prayers will be answered. Give me strength to keep walking forward, the courage to keep looking up, and wisdom in the thoughts I share.
In Jesus name I ask these things and more, amen.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I can write what I can't directly say
Talking to people directly about how and what I feel is very difficult. At least when I initiate the conversation, I tend to shy away from speaking completely what I feel and what I want to say. Plus, how much do you really want to know about me and what I go through? *smirk*
At least in writing, you, as my audience, can leave at any time. *grin* At the same time, feel free to talk to me about what I write; it lets me know that it's okay to talk...that the uncomfortable stuff I say is acceptable.
Yesterday, I went to see my surgeon. The good news is that I got my stitches removed! Now, I've just got itchy steri-strips on to minimize the scar... But no visible wound opening this time! Yay!!!
Bad new: even though the full official pathology report isn't back yet, I've been diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma; a very rare type of smooth muscle cancer... the type that doesn't respond well to radiation or chemotherapy. Go figure... I'm very unique. Problem with this form of cancer is that it responds best to surgery; every time you find one, get it cut out. Sounds simple, but I'm really not into having any more abdominal surgeries! I'm also not sure risking chemo or radiation is even worth the potential side effects. *shrug* Noel and I are still trying to see what this will mean for our future... How long will I live? Will we have kids? Will I have to go through more surgeries? Will I fully heal from this surgery? Is the numbness on my right thigh permanent?
Questions with no definite answers.
I'm scared...
Dying is easy. The thought of a slow death writhing in pain and weakness really isn't appealing. The thought of leaving Noel alone in this world hurts even more... but living is hard.
Even now, I sometimes fear to eat. As my body digests food of any type...soft or firm, veggie or meat... I writhe in pain as the food passes through my intestines. Somehow after this surgery, my incisions feel sore but fine, the ache diminishes a little more each day. Inside, I feel like someone bruised me to a pulp and stuffed my intestines back inside. When I eat, the food, and even the air, passing through my digestive system makes me freeze and catch my breath. Most times, I squirm a little hoping to alleviate the sharp pain. Other times, I feel like pounding the walls or tearing myself open to stop the pain or distract myself... I don't know. It's in these most painful times that I feel helpless... The pain doesn't usually last long, but I'm also never sure when it'll hit me.
I don't know what to think anymore. Will I heal and this pain end? Or is this pain something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life? It's only been 15 days since the surgery... But what scares me is that this surgery is nothing like the last time.
Lord Father in heaven, thank you that I don't have controll of my life. If I did, I'd never experience your presence and provisions as I do now. Thank you, Lord, for the times with no pain and no ache. Thank you for my past filled with cool fun activities such as racing, rockclimbing, and paintballing.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have when I turn to you. Thank you for the joy I still take in this life. Thank you for the hope I have that you'll always provide. Thank you for the strength, courage, and support.
I know that your provisions may not be health or wealth in money, but I know beyond a doubt that I am loved by my Lord Jesus who willingly died and resurected so that I may have a personal relationship with my Father in heaven. I look forward to the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom, strength, and courage when I lack these qualities. I trust an all powerful Father-God who lets nothing happen without a reason. May my life and how I live it be honoring to you Lord, may my attitude bring you glory, and my life a living praise.
In Jesus' name I thank you Lord for the comfort you provide and the strength I find in your presence, amen.
At least in writing, you, as my audience, can leave at any time. *grin* At the same time, feel free to talk to me about what I write; it lets me know that it's okay to talk...that the uncomfortable stuff I say is acceptable.
Yesterday, I went to see my surgeon. The good news is that I got my stitches removed! Now, I've just got itchy steri-strips on to minimize the scar... But no visible wound opening this time! Yay!!!
Bad new: even though the full official pathology report isn't back yet, I've been diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma; a very rare type of smooth muscle cancer... the type that doesn't respond well to radiation or chemotherapy. Go figure... I'm very unique. Problem with this form of cancer is that it responds best to surgery; every time you find one, get it cut out. Sounds simple, but I'm really not into having any more abdominal surgeries! I'm also not sure risking chemo or radiation is even worth the potential side effects. *shrug* Noel and I are still trying to see what this will mean for our future... How long will I live? Will we have kids? Will I have to go through more surgeries? Will I fully heal from this surgery? Is the numbness on my right thigh permanent?
Questions with no definite answers.
I'm scared...
Dying is easy. The thought of a slow death writhing in pain and weakness really isn't appealing. The thought of leaving Noel alone in this world hurts even more... but living is hard.
Even now, I sometimes fear to eat. As my body digests food of any type...soft or firm, veggie or meat... I writhe in pain as the food passes through my intestines. Somehow after this surgery, my incisions feel sore but fine, the ache diminishes a little more each day. Inside, I feel like someone bruised me to a pulp and stuffed my intestines back inside. When I eat, the food, and even the air, passing through my digestive system makes me freeze and catch my breath. Most times, I squirm a little hoping to alleviate the sharp pain. Other times, I feel like pounding the walls or tearing myself open to stop the pain or distract myself... I don't know. It's in these most painful times that I feel helpless... The pain doesn't usually last long, but I'm also never sure when it'll hit me.
I don't know what to think anymore. Will I heal and this pain end? Or is this pain something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life? It's only been 15 days since the surgery... But what scares me is that this surgery is nothing like the last time.
Lord Father in heaven, thank you that I don't have controll of my life. If I did, I'd never experience your presence and provisions as I do now. Thank you, Lord, for the times with no pain and no ache. Thank you for my past filled with cool fun activities such as racing, rockclimbing, and paintballing.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have when I turn to you. Thank you for the joy I still take in this life. Thank you for the hope I have that you'll always provide. Thank you for the strength, courage, and support.
I know that your provisions may not be health or wealth in money, but I know beyond a doubt that I am loved by my Lord Jesus who willingly died and resurected so that I may have a personal relationship with my Father in heaven. I look forward to the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom, strength, and courage when I lack these qualities. I trust an all powerful Father-God who lets nothing happen without a reason. May my life and how I live it be honoring to you Lord, may my attitude bring you glory, and my life a living praise.
In Jesus' name I thank you Lord for the comfort you provide and the strength I find in your presence, amen.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Trusting in God's goodness
Yesterday was the first day of subversive life; a one week intense time of a 16 person community sleeping, eating, praying, and learning to serve each other and strangers... under one roof.
For me, this means longer commutes... And yesterday was an 8-hour class I dared to sit through... And God totally provided! I made it through the class, all the various bumpy car rides, and a whole evening of community life... Definitely not by my own strength because my body hasn't been able to handle this much activity before... So definitely by God's power!
Thank you Lord in heaven for the strength you provided so that I could participate in subversive life, make it through a long course that required a lot of sitting upright, and the peace to know that I'm not walking this path by my own insignificant power or determination. Thank you Lord for carrying me through when I don't have the strength to stand and move on my own. I again dedicate my body into your care as I've decided not to take anymore pain medicine this week. I want to trust in your provision and strength and not my own.
I'm scared for tonight... Going into the Hayward community, offering to pray for others, and having to trust that my body will be exactly what you've called me to be to reach others and be reached... I entrust my body and my time and my soul into your care...and thank you Jesus for loving and caring more for me than I do for myself.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
For me, this means longer commutes... And yesterday was an 8-hour class I dared to sit through... And God totally provided! I made it through the class, all the various bumpy car rides, and a whole evening of community life... Definitely not by my own strength because my body hasn't been able to handle this much activity before... So definitely by God's power!
Thank you Lord in heaven for the strength you provided so that I could participate in subversive life, make it through a long course that required a lot of sitting upright, and the peace to know that I'm not walking this path by my own insignificant power or determination. Thank you Lord for carrying me through when I don't have the strength to stand and move on my own. I again dedicate my body into your care as I've decided not to take anymore pain medicine this week. I want to trust in your provision and strength and not my own.
I'm scared for tonight... Going into the Hayward community, offering to pray for others, and having to trust that my body will be exactly what you've called me to be to reach others and be reached... I entrust my body and my time and my soul into your care...and thank you Jesus for loving and caring more for me than I do for myself.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Healing...
Right now, the term "healing" is overrated, I feel more drained now than I did when I was in the hospital! *sigh*
I get out of breath and feel my heart pounding in my ears from walking up 14 steps, but this is probably because I can move faster now... I hope.
Sneezing no longer makes me feel like I'm being torn in two with only the stitches holding me together... At least when I sneeze now, it's only an achy feeling. Good! My muscles and skin are finally knitting together. Yay!!!
Today is the 11th day after surgery... The incision looks good (kinda cool where it curves around one side of my belly button)... The cut is measured at 6 inches with 18 stitches... But now it itches like crazy and scratching doesn't seem to work. *sniffle*
It's hard to appreciate where I currently am... My mind is alert and I want to do so much more than my body is capable of. Frustrating! However, compared to when I was in the hospital pumped full of meds, but dizzy and even weaker... I prefer now... I just don't want to get stuck in this stage!
Thank you Lord that I'm getting stronger and progressively my body is healing. Thank you for the knowledge and hope that I won't be stuck in this semi-helpless stage for forever. It feels weird to have others carry stuff for me, but Lord, I'm very very grateful for the friends and family you have brought into my life to support me when I can't support myself!
Father in heaven... I don't know if I have the strength to go through the subversive life activities and week-long fellowship at a friend's home. I'll be away from the comfort of home, away from my couch set-up just right for watching anime *smirk*, with daily long drives in traffic and on bumpy roads... I'm scared. I'm unsure what my body can handle and how I will feel... But Lord, you've provided everything with the most perfect timing (2 weeks off to do backyard stuff that let me get to be at the strongest point in my life, right into the abdominal surgery)... So how can I doubt that at this time and place, your provision will be any less?
Lord Jesus, I ask that as I step once again into uncertainty, that you continue to heal my body, give me physical, spiritual, and emotional strength! I ask that you take care of our cats while Noel and I are gone at night... That the cats won't act up or feel ignored... That they still feel loved and cared for. I pray that Noel and I will have the strength and courage and willingness to serve as you've called us this coming week. Please give us a peaceful and joyful attitude filled with the knowledge of your goodness as we step out of our comfort zones into whatever path you will guide us into and be present in all the conversations we have with the people we will meet.
In Jesus' holy name I pray and ask these things and more, amen.
I get out of breath and feel my heart pounding in my ears from walking up 14 steps, but this is probably because I can move faster now... I hope.
Sneezing no longer makes me feel like I'm being torn in two with only the stitches holding me together... At least when I sneeze now, it's only an achy feeling. Good! My muscles and skin are finally knitting together. Yay!!!
Today is the 11th day after surgery... The incision looks good (kinda cool where it curves around one side of my belly button)... The cut is measured at 6 inches with 18 stitches... But now it itches like crazy and scratching doesn't seem to work. *sniffle*
It's hard to appreciate where I currently am... My mind is alert and I want to do so much more than my body is capable of. Frustrating! However, compared to when I was in the hospital pumped full of meds, but dizzy and even weaker... I prefer now... I just don't want to get stuck in this stage!
Thank you Lord that I'm getting stronger and progressively my body is healing. Thank you for the knowledge and hope that I won't be stuck in this semi-helpless stage for forever. It feels weird to have others carry stuff for me, but Lord, I'm very very grateful for the friends and family you have brought into my life to support me when I can't support myself!
Father in heaven... I don't know if I have the strength to go through the subversive life activities and week-long fellowship at a friend's home. I'll be away from the comfort of home, away from my couch set-up just right for watching anime *smirk*, with daily long drives in traffic and on bumpy roads... I'm scared. I'm unsure what my body can handle and how I will feel... But Lord, you've provided everything with the most perfect timing (2 weeks off to do backyard stuff that let me get to be at the strongest point in my life, right into the abdominal surgery)... So how can I doubt that at this time and place, your provision will be any less?
Lord Jesus, I ask that as I step once again into uncertainty, that you continue to heal my body, give me physical, spiritual, and emotional strength! I ask that you take care of our cats while Noel and I are gone at night... That the cats won't act up or feel ignored... That they still feel loved and cared for. I pray that Noel and I will have the strength and courage and willingness to serve as you've called us this coming week. Please give us a peaceful and joyful attitude filled with the knowledge of your goodness as we step out of our comfort zones into whatever path you will guide us into and be present in all the conversations we have with the people we will meet.
In Jesus' holy name I pray and ask these things and more, amen.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The little things that aren't so little
Hello everyone!!!
I finally feel focused enough to write. *grin*
On Oct 5th, surgery finally started about 2:30pm (instead of the planned 9am)... I was starving and my mom sits next to me with this huge bag of food and drinks. *drool*. Anyways, when I finally start getting ready for surgery, i get this purple gown that hooks up to a heated air blower called Bair Paw... Technology is awesome!!! I hate being cold and this device kept me so warm that when anesthesiology came to place IVs in me... My blood vessels nicely popped out!*smile*. Little things like that for comfort have really made the difference in helping keep my positive attitude.
After surgery, I remember my sister handing me this HUGE stuffed dog (yes...another super large toy!!!) and it's been a super large blessing because this hospital is always out of pillows...so this large dog named Sammy has kept me both warm, it's legs are great to cuddle me front and back, and the large ears flop perfectly over my eyes to block out the constant light each hospital room has (either from staff leaving the light on when they say "good night" to you, from the hallway light when the door's always left open, or even the constant light from my IV pump).
I still remember my last surgery, not enough blankets, cold air, always shivering... Misery! This time, my mom made my bed with so many blankets and topped it off with another wool blanket my sister gave me from my last surgery... Who knew that a well made bed could be so comfortable, the sheets smooth, and no cold air leaks in! I've not let any of the staff remake my bed... My mom definitely made it the best! *grin*.
Another tidbit for anyone staying overnight at the hospital... The bed's always feel uneven with weird dips, especially under your butt! Playing with my bed, I found the most perfect position... Head of bed up a couple inches and the bed bent up at the knees... Makes the bed fit my body, allows me to rest comfy with no strech in my abdomen to cause discomfort at the incision site, and I can use the bed to help me get up when things are aching a lot. Yay!
Little things really do make a difference! As my gaze roams around a bleak room with pratical tans and green curtains, I see the beautiful flowers given to me by my co-workers and Noel's best friend. It's fun to stare at the different flower shapes, subtle and bold color changes, and varied textures of the flower petals and leaves. God really creates beautiful things... And having that little bit of nature in my room reminds me of God's glory and that Jesus has a plan for me... Exactly where I am, the staff I meet and talk to, the patients I smile at in the hallway, and that I am here to be blessed by others as well as to bless those around me.
Thank you Father in heaven for your favor upon me. I am blessed with a room to myself in a quiet location, staff to talk and laugh with, family and friends to support me, and quick healing. Thank you for helping me deal with discomfort and pain with hope, peace in the knowledge that I will heal, and the strength to keep moving in the face of fear and pain.
Lord God in heaven, I ask that you continue to use my time here on earth to serve you. In both the good times and bad, may I never stray from your side and your protection. In this uncertain world, may I always have the peace and strength to forge ahead, not for my own wants, but for the greater purpose of serving a loving Lord who is greater than anything or any other purpose or comfort I can think of.
Thank you Lord for blessing the doctors to find the multiple tumors and help them remove it (cauterizing the smaller walnut-sized growths and removing the one the size of a small cantaloupe from my intestines). Thank you Lord that I only lost 2-liters of blood and the doctors were able to give me a transfusion of red blood cells and albumin. Thank you Lord for a quick 3.5 hour surgery in which the doctors put me neatly back together. Thank you Jesus that for now, the doctors can't find anymore growths, but also have the wisdom to expect more growths in the future. Thank you Lord that I know you personally in my life o that I don't have to worry if I only have a day or many years to live. My life is yours, Lord, use it as you see fit... So long as I can honor you in how I live and act, my life is already complete... Everything else is just more blessing you shower me with from your mercy and your grace. May this body continue to be the Lord's temple and tool, to use as you see fit... In Jesus' name I thank my Lord in heaven for my given purpose in this life, to be one of meaning and not self-serving emptiness. Amen.
I finally feel focused enough to write. *grin*
On Oct 5th, surgery finally started about 2:30pm (instead of the planned 9am)... I was starving and my mom sits next to me with this huge bag of food and drinks. *drool*. Anyways, when I finally start getting ready for surgery, i get this purple gown that hooks up to a heated air blower called Bair Paw... Technology is awesome!!! I hate being cold and this device kept me so warm that when anesthesiology came to place IVs in me... My blood vessels nicely popped out!*smile*. Little things like that for comfort have really made the difference in helping keep my positive attitude.
After surgery, I remember my sister handing me this HUGE stuffed dog (yes...another super large toy!!!) and it's been a super large blessing because this hospital is always out of pillows...so this large dog named Sammy has kept me both warm, it's legs are great to cuddle me front and back, and the large ears flop perfectly over my eyes to block out the constant light each hospital room has (either from staff leaving the light on when they say "good night" to you, from the hallway light when the door's always left open, or even the constant light from my IV pump).
I still remember my last surgery, not enough blankets, cold air, always shivering... Misery! This time, my mom made my bed with so many blankets and topped it off with another wool blanket my sister gave me from my last surgery... Who knew that a well made bed could be so comfortable, the sheets smooth, and no cold air leaks in! I've not let any of the staff remake my bed... My mom definitely made it the best! *grin*.
Another tidbit for anyone staying overnight at the hospital... The bed's always feel uneven with weird dips, especially under your butt! Playing with my bed, I found the most perfect position... Head of bed up a couple inches and the bed bent up at the knees... Makes the bed fit my body, allows me to rest comfy with no strech in my abdomen to cause discomfort at the incision site, and I can use the bed to help me get up when things are aching a lot. Yay!
Little things really do make a difference! As my gaze roams around a bleak room with pratical tans and green curtains, I see the beautiful flowers given to me by my co-workers and Noel's best friend. It's fun to stare at the different flower shapes, subtle and bold color changes, and varied textures of the flower petals and leaves. God really creates beautiful things... And having that little bit of nature in my room reminds me of God's glory and that Jesus has a plan for me... Exactly where I am, the staff I meet and talk to, the patients I smile at in the hallway, and that I am here to be blessed by others as well as to bless those around me.
Thank you Father in heaven for your favor upon me. I am blessed with a room to myself in a quiet location, staff to talk and laugh with, family and friends to support me, and quick healing. Thank you for helping me deal with discomfort and pain with hope, peace in the knowledge that I will heal, and the strength to keep moving in the face of fear and pain.
Lord God in heaven, I ask that you continue to use my time here on earth to serve you. In both the good times and bad, may I never stray from your side and your protection. In this uncertain world, may I always have the peace and strength to forge ahead, not for my own wants, but for the greater purpose of serving a loving Lord who is greater than anything or any other purpose or comfort I can think of.
Thank you Lord for blessing the doctors to find the multiple tumors and help them remove it (cauterizing the smaller walnut-sized growths and removing the one the size of a small cantaloupe from my intestines). Thank you Lord that I only lost 2-liters of blood and the doctors were able to give me a transfusion of red blood cells and albumin. Thank you Lord for a quick 3.5 hour surgery in which the doctors put me neatly back together. Thank you Jesus that for now, the doctors can't find anymore growths, but also have the wisdom to expect more growths in the future. Thank you Lord that I know you personally in my life o that I don't have to worry if I only have a day or many years to live. My life is yours, Lord, use it as you see fit... So long as I can honor you in how I live and act, my life is already complete... Everything else is just more blessing you shower me with from your mercy and your grace. May this body continue to be the Lord's temple and tool, to use as you see fit... In Jesus' name I thank my Lord in heaven for my given purpose in this life, to be one of meaning and not self-serving emptiness. Amen.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Surgery
Surgery planned for Oct 5, 2011 at 9am!
Yay!!! I'm so excited! From here on out... Things will just keep getting better!
Don't know how long I'll need to be in the hospital... Kinda depends on where the mass is actually attached to. *grin*
Thanks to everyone who's been wishing me the best and praying for me! I really appreciate all the encouragement and support.
Just wanted to let you all know that I feel very loved and have been blessed with almost finishing my backyard project (all the heavy stuff done) and really enjoying my time with Noel(outdoor rock climbing, cleaning house, sleeping late). Life's been awesome!
Love ya all and see you guys soon! --K
Yay!!! I'm so excited! From here on out... Things will just keep getting better!
Don't know how long I'll need to be in the hospital... Kinda depends on where the mass is actually attached to. *grin*
Thanks to everyone who's been wishing me the best and praying for me! I really appreciate all the encouragement and support.
Just wanted to let you all know that I feel very loved and have been blessed with almost finishing my backyard project (all the heavy stuff done) and really enjoying my time with Noel(outdoor rock climbing, cleaning house, sleeping late). Life's been awesome!
Love ya all and see you guys soon! --K
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