Yay... the date is finally set!
I start my chemo on Jan 11th and then have another appointment the next day for somekind of injection (or infusion?) to increase my bone marrow production of white blood cells. *wide grin*
Lord, I'm really nervous and kinda scared now that the chemo is becoming more of a reality. On the other hand, I'm relieved to start this process so that I can get it over with. Father, help me to be at peace with what I cannot affect and to not get lazy with the duties placed in my care.
In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Holiday Seasons
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!!!! *big hugs*
Noel bought me this keyboard I'm using right now... it's so awesome! I can type faster and easier. *drool* I hate typing on a computer so I've been using my iPad... but tapping away at the iPad screen is SLOW and produces many mistakes. Now, I can type anywhere I want... usually in an area where there's lots of sun. *wide grin* Did I meantion that I love being in the sun? =D
But beyond the super cool gifts during this time of year... what I've realized that I treasure most is time with my family and friends. Actually, since I don't spend a whole lot of time with my family, I'm going to start reserving these special holiday times for family first. As I look back on this life I've lived so far (not that it's been that long), I realize that I really do take my family for granted. My family is always there for me, always supports me, always worries and cares for me. And what do I do in return? I feel so safe that my family is always there that I spend even LESS time with them! There's definately something very wrong with that. *sheepish grin*
Father in heaven, thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for this past year of irreplaceable lessons learned and challenges overcome. Help me become a person who can honor you and honor my family and honor my friends above my own personal selfishness... not to loose myself, but to truely know myself more.
In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.
See most of you next year! *super big hugs*
Noel bought me this keyboard I'm using right now... it's so awesome! I can type faster and easier. *drool* I hate typing on a computer so I've been using my iPad... but tapping away at the iPad screen is SLOW and produces many mistakes. Now, I can type anywhere I want... usually in an area where there's lots of sun. *wide grin* Did I meantion that I love being in the sun? =D
But beyond the super cool gifts during this time of year... what I've realized that I treasure most is time with my family and friends. Actually, since I don't spend a whole lot of time with my family, I'm going to start reserving these special holiday times for family first. As I look back on this life I've lived so far (not that it's been that long), I realize that I really do take my family for granted. My family is always there for me, always supports me, always worries and cares for me. And what do I do in return? I feel so safe that my family is always there that I spend even LESS time with them! There's definately something very wrong with that. *sheepish grin*
Father in heaven, thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for this past year of irreplaceable lessons learned and challenges overcome. Help me become a person who can honor you and honor my family and honor my friends above my own personal selfishness... not to loose myself, but to truely know myself more.
In Jesus' name I give my thanks, amen.
See most of you next year! *super big hugs*
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Identity
Who is Kristy?
How do I define myself?
Part of my identity lays in what I do... Physical therapy, paintball, rockclimbing, youth counselor. What happens to me if I can no longer participate in these activities? Does my identity really depend on the things I do?
Thinking about my future participation in a 6-month chemotherapy regime... What happens if the side effects are bad enough that I can't play paintball or feel too tired to go rockclimbing? How then will I define myself? Will I still be the same person?
About five-and-a-half years ago, Noel and I stopped participating in racing our car in legal time trials called autocross. I love the adrenaline, the speed, learning and applying new techniques on courses that changed every event. Back then, autocross was a huge part of my life... something I defined myself by. However, stopping autocross in order to become a youth counselor at my (back then new) church has been far more rewarding than I ever imagined! Working with, loving, and being loved by the crazy youth at church has grown and shaped me in many ways. I am now more outspoken and more confident. Each year, I learn new lessons about leading and managing large events, have opportunities to share my life stories to eager ears, teach life-skills, and learn more about myself... my strengths, my weaknesses, my need for time alone, and my ability to be more than I think I can be when God calls me.
Considering how important autocross was... I realize that I haven't played paintball or gone rockclimbing for 3 months now! However, my description of myself, my identity, hasn't changed... my identity won't change just because my activities do. That's already been proven to me when I stopped autocrossing.
What happens if I loose all my hair? I may not like my looks, but does my hair define me? No! My confidence and my strength do not originate from my actions or outter appearance, but from deep inside. I believe that my identity is a complex combination of my beliefs as a Child of God, choices made, and adventures lived. I believe that as each day passes, I find out more and more about who I really am. Hardships and challenges just polish and clarify what my personality is really like... who I really am inside.
Father in Heaven, I'll be sad if I can't play paintball or go rockclimbing... But in the long-run, I won't stop being Kristy just because I don't participate in the same activities. I will still be Kristy curled up with a book, sleeping, or staring off into space. I will be the same me regardless of long hair, short hair, or no hair.
Thank you, Lord, for the peace and confidence and hope that I have in you. Father, thank you for growing me and strengthening me so that I can progressively take on bigger and bigger challenges. I hate being uncomfortable and I hate walking blindly into an unknown future... but at the same time, I crave the adventure of facing new challenges in my life just so I can say "I made it!"
Thank you Lord for this crazy confidence and strength to live this life not dependent on myself, but living by your never-ending strength, power, and love for me. Thank you, Father, for always being there so I can peacefully step forward knowing you'll catch me and guide me. Thank you Father, for proving to me that when I honor you first in my life, you provide for me better than I can ever dream of. Thank you, Lord, that because of your presence in my life, I have the courage to test my limits, to challenge my capabilities, to uncover more of this person called Kristy.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
How do I define myself?
Part of my identity lays in what I do... Physical therapy, paintball, rockclimbing, youth counselor. What happens to me if I can no longer participate in these activities? Does my identity really depend on the things I do?
Thinking about my future participation in a 6-month chemotherapy regime... What happens if the side effects are bad enough that I can't play paintball or feel too tired to go rockclimbing? How then will I define myself? Will I still be the same person?
About five-and-a-half years ago, Noel and I stopped participating in racing our car in legal time trials called autocross. I love the adrenaline, the speed, learning and applying new techniques on courses that changed every event. Back then, autocross was a huge part of my life... something I defined myself by. However, stopping autocross in order to become a youth counselor at my (back then new) church has been far more rewarding than I ever imagined! Working with, loving, and being loved by the crazy youth at church has grown and shaped me in many ways. I am now more outspoken and more confident. Each year, I learn new lessons about leading and managing large events, have opportunities to share my life stories to eager ears, teach life-skills, and learn more about myself... my strengths, my weaknesses, my need for time alone, and my ability to be more than I think I can be when God calls me.
Considering how important autocross was... I realize that I haven't played paintball or gone rockclimbing for 3 months now! However, my description of myself, my identity, hasn't changed... my identity won't change just because my activities do. That's already been proven to me when I stopped autocrossing.
What happens if I loose all my hair? I may not like my looks, but does my hair define me? No! My confidence and my strength do not originate from my actions or outter appearance, but from deep inside. I believe that my identity is a complex combination of my beliefs as a Child of God, choices made, and adventures lived. I believe that as each day passes, I find out more and more about who I really am. Hardships and challenges just polish and clarify what my personality is really like... who I really am inside.
Father in Heaven, I'll be sad if I can't play paintball or go rockclimbing... But in the long-run, I won't stop being Kristy just because I don't participate in the same activities. I will still be Kristy curled up with a book, sleeping, or staring off into space. I will be the same me regardless of long hair, short hair, or no hair.
Thank you, Lord, for the peace and confidence and hope that I have in you. Father, thank you for growing me and strengthening me so that I can progressively take on bigger and bigger challenges. I hate being uncomfortable and I hate walking blindly into an unknown future... but at the same time, I crave the adventure of facing new challenges in my life just so I can say "I made it!"
Thank you Lord for this crazy confidence and strength to live this life not dependent on myself, but living by your never-ending strength, power, and love for me. Thank you, Father, for always being there so I can peacefully step forward knowing you'll catch me and guide me. Thank you Father, for proving to me that when I honor you first in my life, you provide for me better than I can ever dream of. Thank you, Lord, that because of your presence in my life, I have the courage to test my limits, to challenge my capabilities, to uncover more of this person called Kristy.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Medical options
Today I went to the Stanford Cancer Center. Outside was chaotic due to the ongoing construction. Parking costs $6 with very few spots available.
My first steps into the cancer center was enough to let me know that this was a private hospital. Very fancy... wood floors, lots of windows, expensive flat-screen monitors, tall brightly lit open areas . . . and real orchids placed in every nook. *drool* Straight ahead, a person played the piano near an open staircase. To my right, a Walgreens pharmacy. To my left, a person offering free 15-minute massages in a massage chair! *deep sigh* Wondering how much my hospital is paying for this consult. *shudder*
The oncologist says I should do a combination of two intravenous chemotherapy drugs (Gemcitabine and Docetaxel). This chemotherapy combination has a 40% likelihood of reducing my tumors and is supposedly the "place to start." According to her, other options have even worse side effects than what I will mention below.
There is no "cure" for my cancer, only a delay to prolong my life. Fun huh? Will prolonging my life be worth it? There's no answer. I either chose to dive in head-first and try some kind of cancer treatment . . . or do nothing. Neither option sounds appealing because of the the inherent risks, pain, and eventual diminished function.
If I follow through with this chemotherapy, the treatment itself is about 2 hours long (not including the lab tests and MD visits which will take over another hour) every 2 weeks for 6 months. I'll have nausea and potential vomiting for a day or two after every injection of the chemo drugs (this side effect is modified by more medications). Then 7-10 days after each injection, my immune system will have it's lowest white blood cell count, meaning I'll be more succeptible to infections/colds. By around the 3rd month, I may notice side effects such as swelling and neuropathy . . . maybe hair loss, muscle pain, extreme fatigue, diarrhea, bleeding, or even harm to my kidneys and liver. To top this off, the doctor says that I'll likely be too tired to play paintball and should stay away from large crowds and children. *smirk* I work in a hospital, get into very close proximity with patients, work with youth kids, and participate in a fair-sized church community. *wide grin* I don't plan to give up!
If the chemotherapy works, I may have a year or two reprieve before the tumors start noticeably growing again. If the chemotherapy doesn't work . . . I go on to try other chemotherapy options... or radiation.
Either way, the oncologist expects the tumors to continue growing with eventual surgery in the future to remove any large masses that cause symptoms. In the potential next surgery, the doctors can assess my body to see if radiation during surgery is an option. None of these options are guaranteed to work. *sigh* Actually, the oncologist specifically told me to expect more tumors to grow regardless of the treatments I try.
Father in heaven, I prayed that you'd give the doctors wisdom in their plan of action, course of treatment, and that I would trust you to guide the doctors in what steps I should take. God, I trust that you'll answer my prayers. So Lord, help me to listen and understand what the doctors offer. When the decision for my treatment is offered and set, may all the doctors be in accord to the best treatment you want me to take. Please don't let my heart be hardened to the offered course(s) of care because of my personal fear or stubbornness. Please give Noel and I peace and comfort as we plan our future and face the difficulties ahead.
Thank you Lord God that my cancer is one in which I can comfortably live until the tumors get so large that they interfere with my bodily function or activities. Thank you Father that I have options to choose from and a choice to make. Thank you, Lord, for this life I have yet to live.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
My first steps into the cancer center was enough to let me know that this was a private hospital. Very fancy... wood floors, lots of windows, expensive flat-screen monitors, tall brightly lit open areas . . . and real orchids placed in every nook. *drool* Straight ahead, a person played the piano near an open staircase. To my right, a Walgreens pharmacy. To my left, a person offering free 15-minute massages in a massage chair! *deep sigh* Wondering how much my hospital is paying for this consult. *shudder*
The oncologist says I should do a combination of two intravenous chemotherapy drugs (Gemcitabine and Docetaxel). This chemotherapy combination has a 40% likelihood of reducing my tumors and is supposedly the "place to start." According to her, other options have even worse side effects than what I will mention below.
There is no "cure" for my cancer, only a delay to prolong my life. Fun huh? Will prolonging my life be worth it? There's no answer. I either chose to dive in head-first and try some kind of cancer treatment . . . or do nothing. Neither option sounds appealing because of the the inherent risks, pain, and eventual diminished function.
If I follow through with this chemotherapy, the treatment itself is about 2 hours long (not including the lab tests and MD visits which will take over another hour) every 2 weeks for 6 months. I'll have nausea and potential vomiting for a day or two after every injection of the chemo drugs (this side effect is modified by more medications). Then 7-10 days after each injection, my immune system will have it's lowest white blood cell count, meaning I'll be more succeptible to infections/colds. By around the 3rd month, I may notice side effects such as swelling and neuropathy . . . maybe hair loss, muscle pain, extreme fatigue, diarrhea, bleeding, or even harm to my kidneys and liver. To top this off, the doctor says that I'll likely be too tired to play paintball and should stay away from large crowds and children. *smirk* I work in a hospital, get into very close proximity with patients, work with youth kids, and participate in a fair-sized church community. *wide grin* I don't plan to give up!
If the chemotherapy works, I may have a year or two reprieve before the tumors start noticeably growing again. If the chemotherapy doesn't work . . . I go on to try other chemotherapy options... or radiation.
Either way, the oncologist expects the tumors to continue growing with eventual surgery in the future to remove any large masses that cause symptoms. In the potential next surgery, the doctors can assess my body to see if radiation during surgery is an option. None of these options are guaranteed to work. *sigh* Actually, the oncologist specifically told me to expect more tumors to grow regardless of the treatments I try.
Father in heaven, I prayed that you'd give the doctors wisdom in their plan of action, course of treatment, and that I would trust you to guide the doctors in what steps I should take. God, I trust that you'll answer my prayers. So Lord, help me to listen and understand what the doctors offer. When the decision for my treatment is offered and set, may all the doctors be in accord to the best treatment you want me to take. Please don't let my heart be hardened to the offered course(s) of care because of my personal fear or stubbornness. Please give Noel and I peace and comfort as we plan our future and face the difficulties ahead.
Thank you Lord God that my cancer is one in which I can comfortably live until the tumors get so large that they interfere with my bodily function or activities. Thank you Father that I have options to choose from and a choice to make. Thank you, Lord, for this life I have yet to live.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Planning for the future
When people hear the diagnosis cancer, many think "death," an end to all hopes and an end to all dreams.
Just saying that "I'm diagnosed with cancer" results in instantaneous frowns of concern, shock, looks of pity. The official diagnosis of cancer can bring an instant sense of hopelessness, a future prediction of endless suffering and unfathomable pain.
Regardless of the cancer diagnosis... doesn't my future end in death anyways? Can you say I won't die of a car accident tomorrow? Or maybe be physically injuried to a point where I can no longer function at work? Who can say how long my life will last or how well my life will be lived? I can't... can you?
Will I suffer? How long will I live? *casual shrug*
These are questions I haven't asked my doctors to answer. I may ask just for my personal amusement. *grin* Regardless of the answers I may receive, I will continue to plan for the future. I will continue to hope that I have the physical strength and mental capacity and emotional stability to carry out my plans... And if at some point, I loose some of what I am now capable of doing, then I will adapt. Why waste the time I have now fearing my potential future? My future may become worse than anyone can even imagine... Or my future may become even better than anyone can imagine! I will not limit myself, but I also will not ignore the potential struggles ahead.
God gave me a certain amount of time to live, and I am determined to live my life fully! Why hold back? I don't plan on living forever. I'd rather have a fun-filled and meaningful life than dying in my sleep, old and frail, unable to move. *wink*. Hopefully, I won't die young and frail, unable to move.... That would suck! But still, I trust that my Father in heaven can bring me hope and joy and peace even if my life takes the worst imaginable path... I intend to make a difference regardless of my own capabilities. God took the time to create me, I will honor my Lord in heaven by not letting my life go to waste. Hmmmm... Then again, I waste plenty of time reading manga, watching anime, and avoiding chores. *Wide grin*
Father in heaven, I thank you that I can continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to live. A human diagnosis is nothing compared to the power contained in your slightest thought. May I not be swayed by human fears, human-made hopelessness, human despair. Lord Father God in heaven, may my life be lived in your truth, your hope, your light. Help me to serve with continued strength, passion, and love... at work, at home, at church, amongst friends and family. Help Noel and I plan our finances. Give us wisdom and strength as we learn to budget our money in a three-month trial to live only on one person's budget (starting next year). Bless us with being able to continue to host gatherings of dinner and games at our home.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Just saying that "I'm diagnosed with cancer" results in instantaneous frowns of concern, shock, looks of pity. The official diagnosis of cancer can bring an instant sense of hopelessness, a future prediction of endless suffering and unfathomable pain.
Regardless of the cancer diagnosis... doesn't my future end in death anyways? Can you say I won't die of a car accident tomorrow? Or maybe be physically injuried to a point where I can no longer function at work? Who can say how long my life will last or how well my life will be lived? I can't... can you?
Will I suffer? How long will I live? *casual shrug*
These are questions I haven't asked my doctors to answer. I may ask just for my personal amusement. *grin* Regardless of the answers I may receive, I will continue to plan for the future. I will continue to hope that I have the physical strength and mental capacity and emotional stability to carry out my plans... And if at some point, I loose some of what I am now capable of doing, then I will adapt. Why waste the time I have now fearing my potential future? My future may become worse than anyone can even imagine... Or my future may become even better than anyone can imagine! I will not limit myself, but I also will not ignore the potential struggles ahead.
God gave me a certain amount of time to live, and I am determined to live my life fully! Why hold back? I don't plan on living forever. I'd rather have a fun-filled and meaningful life than dying in my sleep, old and frail, unable to move. *wink*. Hopefully, I won't die young and frail, unable to move.... That would suck! But still, I trust that my Father in heaven can bring me hope and joy and peace even if my life takes the worst imaginable path... I intend to make a difference regardless of my own capabilities. God took the time to create me, I will honor my Lord in heaven by not letting my life go to waste. Hmmmm... Then again, I waste plenty of time reading manga, watching anime, and avoiding chores. *Wide grin*
Father in heaven, I thank you that I can continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to live. A human diagnosis is nothing compared to the power contained in your slightest thought. May I not be swayed by human fears, human-made hopelessness, human despair. Lord Father God in heaven, may my life be lived in your truth, your hope, your light. Help me to serve with continued strength, passion, and love... at work, at home, at church, amongst friends and family. Help Noel and I plan our finances. Give us wisdom and strength as we learn to budget our money in a three-month trial to live only on one person's budget (starting next year). Bless us with being able to continue to host gatherings of dinner and games at our home.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Having fun!!!
Today was super fun! *excited*
After work, I went over to a neighbors house. I played with their kids: Xbox games, a large floor piano, and the proceeded to squash my neighbor's kid under couch pillows topped by me! *Smirk* Then I ate dinner with everyone until Noel got back from meeting one of his accountability partners.
Later this evening, Noel and I spent time with a friend and his wife at a tea shop. Talking paintball stories brings back awesome memories! I'm so itching to play!
After our snack of tea with pearls, we went to reinflate the car'sbtire up with some air. When the guys were outside, I talked to my friend's wife.... I got so excited about talking about cars and tires that I inadvertently gave her a whole instructional lecture about the importance of maintaining the correct tire pressure, effectiveness of negative camber for fast turns, and causes of abnormal tirewear. *Sheepish grin*
Am I changing from being a 100% introvert on the Myers-Briggs test into an extrovert??? Is that even possible?
I'm realizing more and more each day how important my friendships are! In the past, I would run away from spending time with people and declare the need to rest... However, I now thrive on spending time with friends. I treasure their stories... their willingness to spend a portion of their precious time with me... The safety I find being in their presence.
So fun!!! Life feels so rich now that I look around me with open eyes. I think that in the past, I looked at myself as if I was constantly surrounded by people who would judge me... That constant need to emotionally guard myself was draining. Now, I feel accepted, safe, loved, treasured. I feel more myself each passing year as confidence and knowledge of my safety grow... I no longer feel that each action or word is being analyzed, weighed, judged.
Thank you everyone for caring so much about me!
Thank you, God, that I am so loved. Thank you that I now feel safe in the presence of those around me. Thank you for teaching me to let my guard down so that I can really live! Thank you for the trials that grow my self-esteem. Thank you for the love you first showed me through Jesus so that I can learn to love others. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die for my faults so that I can have a direct relationship with you... An all-powerful, life-changing, and loving God!
In Jesus' name, amen.
'Night peeps! =D
After work, I went over to a neighbors house. I played with their kids: Xbox games, a large floor piano, and the proceeded to squash my neighbor's kid under couch pillows topped by me! *Smirk* Then I ate dinner with everyone until Noel got back from meeting one of his accountability partners.
Later this evening, Noel and I spent time with a friend and his wife at a tea shop. Talking paintball stories brings back awesome memories! I'm so itching to play!
After our snack of tea with pearls, we went to reinflate the car'sbtire up with some air. When the guys were outside, I talked to my friend's wife.... I got so excited about talking about cars and tires that I inadvertently gave her a whole instructional lecture about the importance of maintaining the correct tire pressure, effectiveness of negative camber for fast turns, and causes of abnormal tirewear. *Sheepish grin*
Am I changing from being a 100% introvert on the Myers-Briggs test into an extrovert??? Is that even possible?
I'm realizing more and more each day how important my friendships are! In the past, I would run away from spending time with people and declare the need to rest... However, I now thrive on spending time with friends. I treasure their stories... their willingness to spend a portion of their precious time with me... The safety I find being in their presence.
So fun!!! Life feels so rich now that I look around me with open eyes. I think that in the past, I looked at myself as if I was constantly surrounded by people who would judge me... That constant need to emotionally guard myself was draining. Now, I feel accepted, safe, loved, treasured. I feel more myself each passing year as confidence and knowledge of my safety grow... I no longer feel that each action or word is being analyzed, weighed, judged.
Thank you everyone for caring so much about me!
Thank you, God, that I am so loved. Thank you that I now feel safe in the presence of those around me. Thank you for teaching me to let my guard down so that I can really live! Thank you for the trials that grow my self-esteem. Thank you for the love you first showed me through Jesus so that I can learn to love others. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to die for my faults so that I can have a direct relationship with you... An all-powerful, life-changing, and loving God!
In Jesus' name, amen.
'Night peeps! =D
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Medical Update
I'm going to Stanford next week on Dec 7th for my consult with one of the Stanford oncologists in their cancer center.
I'm kind of excited and kind of scared. Don't know what options if any will be offered...
These past 2-3 hours, I've been online researching more into leiomyosarcoma, available clinical trials, tumor tests for chemosensitivity and chemoresistance, types of chemotherapy attempted, side effects, potential prognosis... All this searching and no real clear answer. *shrug*. God will be my medicine, my healer, my hope.
In the meantime, I'm considering if I should pursue and try any form of drug therapy... Many of which can screw me up even worse than living as I am now. *grimace*
Lord, please guide me and Noel and the doctors I meet... Provide your wisdom in the paths I should take or pursue. There are so many options, none great... Help me to honor you in the choices I make, to follow your direction, and seek you first in all aspects of my life. If I live another 2 years, 5 years, or 20 years... I want to live my life to the fullest! I've learned that I am more joyful, more content, more secure when I actually humble myself to serve you over myself... I've learned, Lord, that you know my deepest needs and always meet those needs... That even my wants, you bless me with better.
Why, God, do I stray? If walking in your presence is the best place to be... Why do I continue to insist of doing things my own way?
Father, I know that I am stubborn, prideful, and selfish. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for blessing me regardless of my faults. Thank you for always being by my side. Thank you that I am never truly lost, never left alone, never gone from your sight. Thank you for creating me just the way I am. Thank you for this life I'm living. Thank you even for the pain and struggles that continue to grow me stronger. Thank you for taking the time to build and lift me up when I fall down. Thank you for caring about me more than I care for myself.
In Jesus' name I praise my Father in heaven, amen.
I'm kind of excited and kind of scared. Don't know what options if any will be offered...
These past 2-3 hours, I've been online researching more into leiomyosarcoma, available clinical trials, tumor tests for chemosensitivity and chemoresistance, types of chemotherapy attempted, side effects, potential prognosis... All this searching and no real clear answer. *shrug*. God will be my medicine, my healer, my hope.
In the meantime, I'm considering if I should pursue and try any form of drug therapy... Many of which can screw me up even worse than living as I am now. *grimace*
Lord, please guide me and Noel and the doctors I meet... Provide your wisdom in the paths I should take or pursue. There are so many options, none great... Help me to honor you in the choices I make, to follow your direction, and seek you first in all aspects of my life. If I live another 2 years, 5 years, or 20 years... I want to live my life to the fullest! I've learned that I am more joyful, more content, more secure when I actually humble myself to serve you over myself... I've learned, Lord, that you know my deepest needs and always meet those needs... That even my wants, you bless me with better.
Why, God, do I stray? If walking in your presence is the best place to be... Why do I continue to insist of doing things my own way?
Father, I know that I am stubborn, prideful, and selfish. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for blessing me regardless of my faults. Thank you for always being by my side. Thank you that I am never truly lost, never left alone, never gone from your sight. Thank you for creating me just the way I am. Thank you for this life I'm living. Thank you even for the pain and struggles that continue to grow me stronger. Thank you for taking the time to build and lift me up when I fall down. Thank you for caring about me more than I care for myself.
In Jesus' name I praise my Father in heaven, amen.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
First day back at work
Physically, I'm feeling great! The actual climb up and down Mission Peak left no noticeable soreness. Yay! I've just lost all my stamina. *sniffle*
After a 2 week vacation linked up with my surgery and 6 weeks of disability... I'm worried about forgetting everything when I return to work. Will I forget something important? How will I treat my patients? Do I remember the paperwork? What processes have been changed? *slightly worried*
So what can I do? Nothing really. I know what I know and just hope to remember it all. Is there anything else i can do? I wouldn't know where to start in order to refresh my mind from a 2 month hiatus... But what I can't do, God can. So I prayed.
Lord, I know work has been super busy. There are a lot of patients and this is a short 3-day work week... Which usually means a super stressful schedule. Please help me remember the appropriate wound dressings. Help me to asses the wounds correctly. Help me do my paperwork correctly and finish by the end of the day. Help me to see patients at a good pace. I ask that you please provide for each patient treatment in a way that will help me review and remember how to do everything correctly. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
At work, I start with an hour of mandates. *deep sigh* Totally not fun! Actually, it's extremely brain-numbing. I fry my brain after just completing one mandate! However, just the process of logging into the computer triggers all the memories of my passwords, what programs to use, and where all my files are located. I even got a refresher course on how to look up patient schedules and admission information during the day.
In regards to patient care... The first patient wasn't the simple straight-forward case I had hoped for. The wound was larger, the dressing options offered wasn't acceptable... I had to call a doctor... twice... And then ended up choosing an unconventional dressing. Another patient, I got the opportunity to practice my debridement and unna boot application skills. Third patient was an educational review in layering wound dressings. Next patient cancelled allowing me time to organize my paperwork. Last patient provided me with practice in reviewing appropriate dressing changes and individualized patient education.
Yay!!! Day's done! I survived! =D
Father in heaven... Thank you for answering my prayers! Today, I received a thorough review for how to do my work. I completed all my paperwork. I had time to chill and talk with my friends at work.
In Jesus' name I thank you, God, for the blessings of bringing me back to work while providing a gentle re-introduction, amen.
After a 2 week vacation linked up with my surgery and 6 weeks of disability... I'm worried about forgetting everything when I return to work. Will I forget something important? How will I treat my patients? Do I remember the paperwork? What processes have been changed? *slightly worried*
So what can I do? Nothing really. I know what I know and just hope to remember it all. Is there anything else i can do? I wouldn't know where to start in order to refresh my mind from a 2 month hiatus... But what I can't do, God can. So I prayed.
Lord, I know work has been super busy. There are a lot of patients and this is a short 3-day work week... Which usually means a super stressful schedule. Please help me remember the appropriate wound dressings. Help me to asses the wounds correctly. Help me do my paperwork correctly and finish by the end of the day. Help me to see patients at a good pace. I ask that you please provide for each patient treatment in a way that will help me review and remember how to do everything correctly. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
At work, I start with an hour of mandates. *deep sigh* Totally not fun! Actually, it's extremely brain-numbing. I fry my brain after just completing one mandate! However, just the process of logging into the computer triggers all the memories of my passwords, what programs to use, and where all my files are located. I even got a refresher course on how to look up patient schedules and admission information during the day.
In regards to patient care... The first patient wasn't the simple straight-forward case I had hoped for. The wound was larger, the dressing options offered wasn't acceptable... I had to call a doctor... twice... And then ended up choosing an unconventional dressing. Another patient, I got the opportunity to practice my debridement and unna boot application skills. Third patient was an educational review in layering wound dressings. Next patient cancelled allowing me time to organize my paperwork. Last patient provided me with practice in reviewing appropriate dressing changes and individualized patient education.
Yay!!! Day's done! I survived! =D
Father in heaven... Thank you for answering my prayers! Today, I received a thorough review for how to do my work. I completed all my paperwork. I had time to chill and talk with my friends at work.
In Jesus' name I thank you, God, for the blessings of bringing me back to work while providing a gentle re-introduction, amen.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Climbing Mission Peak
This past Friday night was the start of our youth group's student leadership mandatory hangout.
The goal: climb Mission Peak to watch the sun rise Saturday morning
Purpose: team-building
At 3:30am, the alarm rang. Time to get up! Ugh... I feel so tired. Eighteen people lined up to share 2 restrooms, eat breakfast, and then ready ourselves to face the morning cold. *deep sigh* A little past 5am, we start our hike. Frequently, we ran around shushing each other, hoping not to disturb the sleeping neighborhood as our excited voices carried in the quiet morning.
At first, I turn my flashlight on thinking I need light to see the path. Soon, I realized that even the quarter sliver of moon provided enough light to distinguish gravel path versus large black cow patties. Walking quietly through the dark, I look up and see stars! I haven't seen so many stars since I was little! In awe, I tried to walk while looking upwards. Occasionally, I would bump into a youth or stumble along the path's edge, depending on whoever was nearest to assist in navigating the black land mines. *wide grin*
Turning to look towards the city, I see clouds colored redish-pink from the bright city lights combined with pollution. In that area, I see no stars... The city lights are too bright. *sad face*
Climbing higher, I start to see the bay. As the sky brightens, pink turns to dusky purple. The sky appears to cast a dark blue shadow creeping ever lighter in color until I realize that all the stars are gone. When did that happen? *rubbing eyes*
A little later, about a third of the way up the mountain, I start to notice my lack of stamina. *grumble* on our way up, I actually had to call a halt more than twice because my body didn't want to keep up! I'm used to being in front of any hikes, running around exploring different views. Well, not this day! By the time we were halfway up the mountain, I was quietly panting. Every step felt weak and powerless... About every 100-200 feet, I would need to stop for 10-20 seconds to recover enough to plod on. On the steeper slopes, I would rest every 50 feet. Each step felt hard-won, each breath a controlled rasp. How much further? I'm so tired... Can I make it up? It'd be so embarrassing if I couldn't climb Mission Peak after I pushed so hard to have the whole youth leadership team climb the mountain at an insanely early hour.
Sweating, I take off my inner insulating jacket, take off my beanie, take off my gloves... *shiver*. The air is cold against my skin! The outter jacket feels icy as I put it on. Soon, I'm sweating again... My jacket doesn't feel cold anymore. In fact, I'm once again warm enough to walk with my jacket unzipped. Why did I wear so many layers? I feel stupid making everyone wear so much extra clothing.
Physically, I'm nowhere near the shape I need to be or want to be in while tackling Mission Peak... And yet, I can't give up either. As part of the leadership team, we all have to go up together, that's part of the challenge. Step by step, I struggle and fight my way up. I'm totally lagging behind, but what choice do I have? I've gotta make it up! Right foot step up. Left foot step up. Repeat. Repeat again... And again... and again. By now, I've totally fallen behind. Each step I pray for strength, pray that I don't hold the team back too much, pray that my muscles continue to quickly recover with each short break. Inside, I'm screaming with frustration... My body is so weak! I reach my hand out and Noel lightly tugs on my hand, providing just enough support so I can keep moving. This is so frustrating I want to cry... But what good will crying do? What good will screaming do? *shrug* I still have to climb.
Heavenly Father, thank you for placing different people by my side to help me climb up the mountain. Thank you for the times when I had a hand to hold, a backpack to grab (*smirk*), and different people to walk with me through my struggle uphill. Thank you for the pauses I had to take in which I could see your marvelous creations. Thank you for the beautiful pictures I could take because I had to pause for so many rest-breaks. Thank you for all the clothing every one had when we ate snacks, huddling like penguins in the freezing cold. Thank you for the beauty of the fog and the majesty revealed in your creations as the fog rolled away. Thank you that I got no blisters from wearing hiking shoes that were half a size too small. Thank you for the awesome view and the time given to appreciate even the dew drops hanging from a field of weeds. Thank you for an easy walk back down the mountain. Thank you that no one got hurt climbing the rocks. Thank you, God, for being my strength when I have none left.
In Jesus' name I praise my Father God in heaven for this opportunity to live, to struggle, to serve and be served, amen.
The goal: climb Mission Peak to watch the sun rise Saturday morning
Purpose: team-building
At 3:30am, the alarm rang. Time to get up! Ugh... I feel so tired. Eighteen people lined up to share 2 restrooms, eat breakfast, and then ready ourselves to face the morning cold. *deep sigh* A little past 5am, we start our hike. Frequently, we ran around shushing each other, hoping not to disturb the sleeping neighborhood as our excited voices carried in the quiet morning.
At first, I turn my flashlight on thinking I need light to see the path. Soon, I realized that even the quarter sliver of moon provided enough light to distinguish gravel path versus large black cow patties. Walking quietly through the dark, I look up and see stars! I haven't seen so many stars since I was little! In awe, I tried to walk while looking upwards. Occasionally, I would bump into a youth or stumble along the path's edge, depending on whoever was nearest to assist in navigating the black land mines. *wide grin*
Turning to look towards the city, I see clouds colored redish-pink from the bright city lights combined with pollution. In that area, I see no stars... The city lights are too bright. *sad face*
Climbing higher, I start to see the bay. As the sky brightens, pink turns to dusky purple. The sky appears to cast a dark blue shadow creeping ever lighter in color until I realize that all the stars are gone. When did that happen? *rubbing eyes*
A little later, about a third of the way up the mountain, I start to notice my lack of stamina. *grumble* on our way up, I actually had to call a halt more than twice because my body didn't want to keep up! I'm used to being in front of any hikes, running around exploring different views. Well, not this day! By the time we were halfway up the mountain, I was quietly panting. Every step felt weak and powerless... About every 100-200 feet, I would need to stop for 10-20 seconds to recover enough to plod on. On the steeper slopes, I would rest every 50 feet. Each step felt hard-won, each breath a controlled rasp. How much further? I'm so tired... Can I make it up? It'd be so embarrassing if I couldn't climb Mission Peak after I pushed so hard to have the whole youth leadership team climb the mountain at an insanely early hour.
Sweating, I take off my inner insulating jacket, take off my beanie, take off my gloves... *shiver*. The air is cold against my skin! The outter jacket feels icy as I put it on. Soon, I'm sweating again... My jacket doesn't feel cold anymore. In fact, I'm once again warm enough to walk with my jacket unzipped. Why did I wear so many layers? I feel stupid making everyone wear so much extra clothing.
Physically, I'm nowhere near the shape I need to be or want to be in while tackling Mission Peak... And yet, I can't give up either. As part of the leadership team, we all have to go up together, that's part of the challenge. Step by step, I struggle and fight my way up. I'm totally lagging behind, but what choice do I have? I've gotta make it up! Right foot step up. Left foot step up. Repeat. Repeat again... And again... and again. By now, I've totally fallen behind. Each step I pray for strength, pray that I don't hold the team back too much, pray that my muscles continue to quickly recover with each short break. Inside, I'm screaming with frustration... My body is so weak! I reach my hand out and Noel lightly tugs on my hand, providing just enough support so I can keep moving. This is so frustrating I want to cry... But what good will crying do? What good will screaming do? *shrug* I still have to climb.
Heavenly Father, thank you for placing different people by my side to help me climb up the mountain. Thank you for the times when I had a hand to hold, a backpack to grab (*smirk*), and different people to walk with me through my struggle uphill. Thank you for the pauses I had to take in which I could see your marvelous creations. Thank you for the beautiful pictures I could take because I had to pause for so many rest-breaks. Thank you for all the clothing every one had when we ate snacks, huddling like penguins in the freezing cold. Thank you for the beauty of the fog and the majesty revealed in your creations as the fog rolled away. Thank you that I got no blisters from wearing hiking shoes that were half a size too small. Thank you for the awesome view and the time given to appreciate even the dew drops hanging from a field of weeds. Thank you for an easy walk back down the mountain. Thank you that no one got hurt climbing the rocks. Thank you, God, for being my strength when I have none left.
In Jesus' name I praise my Father God in heaven for this opportunity to live, to struggle, to serve and be served, amen.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Oncology appointment
Yesterday, Noel and I went to see the oncologist at my hospital. I'll say "my hospital" because I also work there in the physical therapy dept... I love it there! Many of the staff I work with are very caring and good friends... they're family. *grin* After all, I spend most of my daylight hours at work... We laugh and play together, support each other when schedules get packed, we listen to each other, and we occasionally play pranks on each other. I miss work... Can't wait to go back next Monday!!! *excited*
Back to the oncology waiting room... In the half-hour long wait just to register... I was the 5th person in line. On the side, Noel played with an iPhone game, adjusting the volume to what he thought was quiet...which isn't so quiet in a silent waiting room with no other distrations. To me, the game was noisey and slightly irritating... Okay... Honestly more than irritating when just signing-in took so long, I was stressed about time and nervous about meeting a new doctor.
Still, I'm grateful Noel stays by my side. =D He's the sweetest husband I could ever ask God for! Noel is kind, thoughtful, caring, gentle, and able to put up with an irritable Kristy! *Wide grin*
Anyways, back to the doctor. Her choice option is chemotherapy, one that is shown to work with uterine leiomyosarcomas. *shrug* Not quite what i have, but the only option she could offer. She then went on to say that our hospital did not have the capabilities to take care of me, but that she knows a doctor at the Stanford University Cancer Center and also a doctor at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.
So now I wait again. *grin* We'll see who wants to take my case.
Father in heaven, I ask that you continue to guide the doctors so that I get referred to the right people at the right place and the correct time. I also ask that there will be no problems with my insurance for providing all necessary care. I'm anxious because I just want this whole cancer issue dealt with and done. Lord, please give me patience and a good temperament and a positive attitude as my emotions slowly get frayed. I'm used to dealing with issues that have deadlines and the knowledge that once something's over, it's completely done with! In this case, I can't imagine when the whole cancer issue will end or even if I can stop dealing with it... In a couple of months? I wish. In a couple years? Maybe. My whole life? Likely. Lord, the duration of this cancer issue has a timespan that is going to test my temper and my attitude... Please help keep me grounded in your truth and hope, Lord, regardless of what may or may not come.
Thank you, Lord, for the continued support of so many people! I know I like to depend on myself, but please help me to learn to accept and use the support you've provided when I really need it. Thank you so much, Father, that I'm physically healed, feel no current problems, and that my lifting restrictions end this week!!! I'm so excited! Real life again!
Father, I ask that you bless all the people who have blessed me with their support and prayers and well-wishes. Protect them and their families. Grow their families closer together. Fill their days with hope and laughter. Ease their burdens. And when the time calls for it... I ask that you provide each person also with an abundance of love and support... That by your blessing, God in heaven, my family and friends can also feel peace in times of hardship.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Back to the oncology waiting room... In the half-hour long wait just to register... I was the 5th person in line. On the side, Noel played with an iPhone game, adjusting the volume to what he thought was quiet...which isn't so quiet in a silent waiting room with no other distrations. To me, the game was noisey and slightly irritating... Okay... Honestly more than irritating when just signing-in took so long, I was stressed about time and nervous about meeting a new doctor.
Still, I'm grateful Noel stays by my side. =D He's the sweetest husband I could ever ask God for! Noel is kind, thoughtful, caring, gentle, and able to put up with an irritable Kristy! *Wide grin*
Anyways, back to the doctor. Her choice option is chemotherapy, one that is shown to work with uterine leiomyosarcomas. *shrug* Not quite what i have, but the only option she could offer. She then went on to say that our hospital did not have the capabilities to take care of me, but that she knows a doctor at the Stanford University Cancer Center and also a doctor at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.
So now I wait again. *grin* We'll see who wants to take my case.
Father in heaven, I ask that you continue to guide the doctors so that I get referred to the right people at the right place and the correct time. I also ask that there will be no problems with my insurance for providing all necessary care. I'm anxious because I just want this whole cancer issue dealt with and done. Lord, please give me patience and a good temperament and a positive attitude as my emotions slowly get frayed. I'm used to dealing with issues that have deadlines and the knowledge that once something's over, it's completely done with! In this case, I can't imagine when the whole cancer issue will end or even if I can stop dealing with it... In a couple of months? I wish. In a couple years? Maybe. My whole life? Likely. Lord, the duration of this cancer issue has a timespan that is going to test my temper and my attitude... Please help keep me grounded in your truth and hope, Lord, regardless of what may or may not come.
Thank you, Lord, for the continued support of so many people! I know I like to depend on myself, but please help me to learn to accept and use the support you've provided when I really need it. Thank you so much, Father, that I'm physically healed, feel no current problems, and that my lifting restrictions end this week!!! I'm so excited! Real life again!
Father, I ask that you bless all the people who have blessed me with their support and prayers and well-wishes. Protect them and their families. Grow their families closer together. Fill their days with hope and laughter. Ease their burdens. And when the time calls for it... I ask that you provide each person also with an abundance of love and support... That by your blessing, God in heaven, my family and friends can also feel peace in times of hardship.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Pathology report
Finally got my official pathology report!!! Yay!!!
Quick definitions (hope I'm getting these right... having to compile my research into regular English is tiring!):
*Neoplasm or tumor just means an abnormal growth/proliferation of cells/tissue in the body where it doesn't belong... kind of like weeds in a garden, these cells can grow and spread.
*sarcoma is a cancer arising from the embryonic mesoderm, certain layer when the body first forms to create different types of muscles and connective tissue (such as bone, cartilage, blood).
*malignant cancer means these abnormal cells spread into other areas.
So what does my report actually say? *drum roll*
I officially have "spindle cell sarcoma favoring dedifferentiated leiomyosarcoma" and another area states "given the large size and abdominal location, we favor the diagnosis of smooth muscle neoplasm of uncertain malignant potential."
What does this mean? *wide eyes*
Even though I'm in the medical field, this report took me awhile to process in a way even I could understand!!! *shudder* This is medical terminology at it's worst! *smirk*
First part says I have a connective tissue cancer suggestive of a leiomyosarcoma (smooth muscle connective tissue tumor) that doesn't look like the original cell type it came from. Not so bad right? *grin*
Second portion is just a fancy way of saying that the pathologists don't know how bad or good my cancer is. See? Simple right? *wink* Different cell samples they took demonstrated varying speeds of cell division along with varied cell shapes.
There's a whole bunch of fancy medical words saying that they gave me this diagnosis and specific labels because it didn't fit with the test results of other cancers, and size, and location, and that this isn't my first surgery to remove a large mass in the same area... Lots of big words phrased really nicely. *wide grin*
I have a grade 2 sarcoma (FNCLCC grading system)...still researching if this really means anything to me. I give myself a intermediate rating since this grading scale only goes up to a 3. *wink* From what I looked up, 3's the worst option... I think?
At the very end of my report, it reads that "there are many unusual features to this lesion." My tumor samples have varying characteristics... And God created both me and my body very uniquely!!! *wide grin*
Thank you God that I can take such amusement while my results puzzle many medical staff members. Thank you for the joy and even the laughter I am able to take in a potentially frustrating report. =D Thank you, Father God, that I am vastly enjoying this process of learning new terminology, new medical options, new stuff!
Lord, please continue to help me and Noel keep a positive attitude. May our lives, our words, our actions speak loudly of your powerful presence in our lives. May you bless Noel and I to lean on you and not on ourselves, to depend on your knowledge, your plan for our lives, your goodness. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you are a fair Lord; however, I believe that the Bible tells us that you are a just and loving God. Thank you for being willing to bless Noel and I with the work and lifestyle you've called us to. Thank you that instead of just stepping in to make everything better... you, Father in heaven, are willing to work through us, your children, so that we can be blessed and see your power and glory in action on this broken earth.
In Jesus' name I give you, Lord, my life and my thanks, amen.
Quick definitions (hope I'm getting these right... having to compile my research into regular English is tiring!):
*Neoplasm or tumor just means an abnormal growth/proliferation of cells/tissue in the body where it doesn't belong... kind of like weeds in a garden, these cells can grow and spread.
*sarcoma is a cancer arising from the embryonic mesoderm, certain layer when the body first forms to create different types of muscles and connective tissue (such as bone, cartilage, blood).
*malignant cancer means these abnormal cells spread into other areas.
So what does my report actually say? *drum roll*
I officially have "spindle cell sarcoma favoring dedifferentiated leiomyosarcoma" and another area states "given the large size and abdominal location, we favor the diagnosis of smooth muscle neoplasm of uncertain malignant potential."
What does this mean? *wide eyes*
Even though I'm in the medical field, this report took me awhile to process in a way even I could understand!!! *shudder* This is medical terminology at it's worst! *smirk*
First part says I have a connective tissue cancer suggestive of a leiomyosarcoma (smooth muscle connective tissue tumor) that doesn't look like the original cell type it came from. Not so bad right? *grin*
Second portion is just a fancy way of saying that the pathologists don't know how bad or good my cancer is. See? Simple right? *wink* Different cell samples they took demonstrated varying speeds of cell division along with varied cell shapes.
There's a whole bunch of fancy medical words saying that they gave me this diagnosis and specific labels because it didn't fit with the test results of other cancers, and size, and location, and that this isn't my first surgery to remove a large mass in the same area... Lots of big words phrased really nicely. *wide grin*
I have a grade 2 sarcoma (FNCLCC grading system)...still researching if this really means anything to me. I give myself a intermediate rating since this grading scale only goes up to a 3. *wink* From what I looked up, 3's the worst option... I think?
At the very end of my report, it reads that "there are many unusual features to this lesion." My tumor samples have varying characteristics... And God created both me and my body very uniquely!!! *wide grin*
Thank you God that I can take such amusement while my results puzzle many medical staff members. Thank you for the joy and even the laughter I am able to take in a potentially frustrating report. =D Thank you, Father God, that I am vastly enjoying this process of learning new terminology, new medical options, new stuff!
Lord, please continue to help me and Noel keep a positive attitude. May our lives, our words, our actions speak loudly of your powerful presence in our lives. May you bless Noel and I to lean on you and not on ourselves, to depend on your knowledge, your plan for our lives, your goodness. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you are a fair Lord; however, I believe that the Bible tells us that you are a just and loving God. Thank you for being willing to bless Noel and I with the work and lifestyle you've called us to. Thank you that instead of just stepping in to make everything better... you, Father in heaven, are willing to work through us, your children, so that we can be blessed and see your power and glory in action on this broken earth.
In Jesus' name I give you, Lord, my life and my thanks, amen.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Driving
I started driving just a little bit last Thursday... But still, that's FOUR solid weeks of no driving! *sad face* For these last couple of weeks, I've held back from driving because of the core muscles involved in using both hands and feet to drive my manual car. Not anymore... Hurray! I'm so excited!
Have I mentioned yet that I love my car? The outside doesn't look too bad, the inside is a little too roomy for my smaller frame... But the car's driving and handling capabilities... Yeah, that's what I love most and miss most about my car.
Recently, having Noel drive my car... *shudder* My poor car! Thanks Hubby for driving my Speed3, but I believe it responds better to my commands. Yup yup! *grin*
I hop into my car and snuggle myself into the driver's seat. Yeah, in this car, this is totally _my_ seat. With a deft twist of my wrist, my not-so-little car rumbles to life, then settles for a soft purr. Ahhhhhh, this is exactly as I remember. Without much thought, my left foot works the clutch as my right foot lightens up on the brake pedal, ready to step on the gas after my right hand shifts into reverse and my left hand cranks on the steering wheel. Wow, so many words to describe a time of transition that takes less than a second to perform!
Taking off, I leave my housing complex to roam the streets. I dart right, left... Only slowed down by other cars or traffic lights. But even these obstructions don't bother me. At each light, I sit to enjoy the sun and breeze wafting through open windows, smirk at a nearby car that rattles like a bucket of loose bolts, listen to dry leaves rustling along the ground... All the while, I keep my eyes focused on the nearby traffic lights. As soon as the lights turn green, I give my car a little gas... And I'm flying! Cars in adjacent lanes appear to glide backwards; other times, a car may struggle to pass my car only to give up and fall back. *gleeful look*
While entering the freeway, I floor my gas pedal and shift smoothly from second to third gear... I'm flying, fighting my car as the turbo kicks in, and thoroughly enjoying the acceleration! Around another nice curve, all four tires squeal as I pin my left leg and side against the car for stability... Sweet! My car feels so good... So alive! Smoothly transitioning into a straight, I feel each bump, each dip, in the road through my feet, the seat of my pants, my hands, my eyes, my ears. When I'm at my best, the car becomes an extension of my senses... This is what driving is to me, an integral part of my life.
Father in heaven, thank you for the gift of my body...that I am able to enjoy driving with the full use of my hands, my eyes, my body, my feet, my ears... and sometimes even my nose when I burn the clutch (oops)! Thank you for giving me the ability to appreciate this car I've prayed for to get for over 5 years. Thank you for the joy I continue to receive in driving a well set-up car. Thank you for my dad teaching me stick-shift and the training you've provided so that I can safely handle my current car. Lord, thank you for also providing the wisdom to appreciate that I control a car weighing over 3200 pounds, a fancy piece of machinery not to be treated lightly like a toy. Thank you for protecting me from potential accidents and mistakes by me or by others. *wide grin*
In Jesus' name, I thank my Father in heaven for everything that you've created me to be, amen.
Have I mentioned yet that I love my car? The outside doesn't look too bad, the inside is a little too roomy for my smaller frame... But the car's driving and handling capabilities... Yeah, that's what I love most and miss most about my car.
Recently, having Noel drive my car... *shudder* My poor car! Thanks Hubby for driving my Speed3, but I believe it responds better to my commands. Yup yup! *grin*
I hop into my car and snuggle myself into the driver's seat. Yeah, in this car, this is totally _my_ seat. With a deft twist of my wrist, my not-so-little car rumbles to life, then settles for a soft purr. Ahhhhhh, this is exactly as I remember. Without much thought, my left foot works the clutch as my right foot lightens up on the brake pedal, ready to step on the gas after my right hand shifts into reverse and my left hand cranks on the steering wheel. Wow, so many words to describe a time of transition that takes less than a second to perform!
Taking off, I leave my housing complex to roam the streets. I dart right, left... Only slowed down by other cars or traffic lights. But even these obstructions don't bother me. At each light, I sit to enjoy the sun and breeze wafting through open windows, smirk at a nearby car that rattles like a bucket of loose bolts, listen to dry leaves rustling along the ground... All the while, I keep my eyes focused on the nearby traffic lights. As soon as the lights turn green, I give my car a little gas... And I'm flying! Cars in adjacent lanes appear to glide backwards; other times, a car may struggle to pass my car only to give up and fall back. *gleeful look*
While entering the freeway, I floor my gas pedal and shift smoothly from second to third gear... I'm flying, fighting my car as the turbo kicks in, and thoroughly enjoying the acceleration! Around another nice curve, all four tires squeal as I pin my left leg and side against the car for stability... Sweet! My car feels so good... So alive! Smoothly transitioning into a straight, I feel each bump, each dip, in the road through my feet, the seat of my pants, my hands, my eyes, my ears. When I'm at my best, the car becomes an extension of my senses... This is what driving is to me, an integral part of my life.
Father in heaven, thank you for the gift of my body...that I am able to enjoy driving with the full use of my hands, my eyes, my body, my feet, my ears... and sometimes even my nose when I burn the clutch (oops)! Thank you for giving me the ability to appreciate this car I've prayed for to get for over 5 years. Thank you for the joy I continue to receive in driving a well set-up car. Thank you for my dad teaching me stick-shift and the training you've provided so that I can safely handle my current car. Lord, thank you for also providing the wisdom to appreciate that I control a car weighing over 3200 pounds, a fancy piece of machinery not to be treated lightly like a toy. Thank you for protecting me from potential accidents and mistakes by me or by others. *wide grin*
In Jesus' name, I thank my Father in heaven for everything that you've created me to be, amen.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Exercise
Exercise and I have an ongoing love-hate relationship. I have a strong dislike for doing an action purely to get or stay strong... Instead, I like to build muscle through paintball, rockclimbing, and crazy projects (like working in my backyard or refinishing my kitchen cabinets). Well, none of those preferred activities are available to me right now with my 10# lifting restriction. *shrug* Standard exercise it is! *sigh*
Today, I pulled out Beach Body Insanity to help guide my workout. And no, I'm not crazy enough to jump right in and do everything... I think I'd flop from exhaustion! Regardless, the jogging in place, high knee marches, lunges... For now, these exercises with the cool-down and stretches are enough to make me sweat. *grin* I can't wait until I'm back to my normal form! I'm looking forward to a hike up Mission Peak and to paintball once my restrictions are off.
For now, I'm going to start ramping up my daily activities. I'm giving myself the option of doing one of the Beach Body Insanity DVDs or going out for a walk/run for this week. Next week, I plan to do both! We'll see, I feel motivated now, but I have the hardest time being consistent! *sheepish grin*
Father, thank you for providing the warm weather that motivates me to be outside! Thank you that I feel so good I now want to exercise! May you please bless me with wisdom in how to exercise and how hard to safely push myself. I want to honor you Lord by taking care of this body that your Spirit resides in and that the Bible calls a temple.
I continue to ask for wisdom and guidance for the doctors involved in my care. Please help guide the doctors to the correct people to contact in order to discuss my case and to make the appropriate decisions. I also ask that you provide accurate testing and analysis of the tissue samples at Stanford. Thank you Lord that The first lab was willing to get a second opinion at Stanford. I don't know the final results yet (and the doctors say they don't know it either)... So instead, Father, I ask for a heart of peace and patience as I and everyone else involved wait for the final result. Help me and Noel to not be anxious or stressed, but to enjoy this waiting period.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Today, I pulled out Beach Body Insanity to help guide my workout. And no, I'm not crazy enough to jump right in and do everything... I think I'd flop from exhaustion! Regardless, the jogging in place, high knee marches, lunges... For now, these exercises with the cool-down and stretches are enough to make me sweat. *grin* I can't wait until I'm back to my normal form! I'm looking forward to a hike up Mission Peak and to paintball once my restrictions are off.
For now, I'm going to start ramping up my daily activities. I'm giving myself the option of doing one of the Beach Body Insanity DVDs or going out for a walk/run for this week. Next week, I plan to do both! We'll see, I feel motivated now, but I have the hardest time being consistent! *sheepish grin*
Father, thank you for providing the warm weather that motivates me to be outside! Thank you that I feel so good I now want to exercise! May you please bless me with wisdom in how to exercise and how hard to safely push myself. I want to honor you Lord by taking care of this body that your Spirit resides in and that the Bible calls a temple.
I continue to ask for wisdom and guidance for the doctors involved in my care. Please help guide the doctors to the correct people to contact in order to discuss my case and to make the appropriate decisions. I also ask that you provide accurate testing and analysis of the tissue samples at Stanford. Thank you Lord that The first lab was willing to get a second opinion at Stanford. I don't know the final results yet (and the doctors say they don't know it either)... So instead, Father, I ask for a heart of peace and patience as I and everyone else involved wait for the final result. Help me and Noel to not be anxious or stressed, but to enjoy this waiting period.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Silent Dance
Today is my chosen day to flop in the sun, read manga by the pool, and ignore all technology for a while. I loved it!!! *grin*
Before the warm rays of sun start to burn, I would roll over... Kinda like how a rotisserie chicken is cooked. *smirk* It'd be nice to get a light golden tan... Just don't wanna be burnt! The pure bliss of being alone wore out after 2 hours... The manga I carried with me... all done!
With a light scrape of the pool-side chair, I pushed myself into sitting. My manga lightly scrapped as I grabbed them from a nearby table. Keys jangled loudly as I dangled them from dusty fingertips. As I prepared to leave, I observed at least 5 long spiderwebs floating on the breeze. Where there are loose webs, there's sure to be a spider attached! Ahhhhhh.... I hate spiders! Quickly, I bury myself back into the chair and watch in horror as the webs approach.
Slowly, the webs drift closer, descending from nearby trees down to my level. Grrrrr... I have nowhere to run, the webs are also drifting across my escape route. *sigh* I can't do anything and I'm not about to get wrapped up in webs that'll bring a spider into contact with me!
Sitting back, fear turns into fascination. The webs are no longer approaching me; instead, the webs drift on an invisible breeze above the pool. Light glints off long portions as the spiderwebs wave and weave with each other... never quite touching... never tangling... Just lightly spinning in their soft silent dance above still waters.
I was mesmerized. I wanted to capture the dancing webs on my phone, but the electronics would never be able to pick up the slight flash of light, nor would it pick up something as thin as a web in open space. In a moment that felt like eternity, the sun-kissed spiderwebs rose, lifted high by an unseen wind, and disappeared. I sat, staring over the pool, hoping for another glimpse of delicately dancing webs on an invisible wind... And only heard the russeling of leaves. Disappointed, I finally left. Part of my heart is still back at the pool... still mesmerized by a beauty I never imagined could exist under the sun... still looking for fragile webs and invisible wings.
Lord, thank you for blessing me with the time and heart to see the beauty of your creation. My words cannot compare to what I saw today. But may you, Lord in heaven, use this blog to open my eyes and of those reading these words, to see the unearthly beauty of your creations... To take joy from this earth you created... And to find peace in the miracles of everyday life.
In Jesus' name I give thanks to an amazingly loving Father in heaven, amen.
Before the warm rays of sun start to burn, I would roll over... Kinda like how a rotisserie chicken is cooked. *smirk* It'd be nice to get a light golden tan... Just don't wanna be burnt! The pure bliss of being alone wore out after 2 hours... The manga I carried with me... all done!
With a light scrape of the pool-side chair, I pushed myself into sitting. My manga lightly scrapped as I grabbed them from a nearby table. Keys jangled loudly as I dangled them from dusty fingertips. As I prepared to leave, I observed at least 5 long spiderwebs floating on the breeze. Where there are loose webs, there's sure to be a spider attached! Ahhhhhh.... I hate spiders! Quickly, I bury myself back into the chair and watch in horror as the webs approach.
Slowly, the webs drift closer, descending from nearby trees down to my level. Grrrrr... I have nowhere to run, the webs are also drifting across my escape route. *sigh* I can't do anything and I'm not about to get wrapped up in webs that'll bring a spider into contact with me!
Sitting back, fear turns into fascination. The webs are no longer approaching me; instead, the webs drift on an invisible breeze above the pool. Light glints off long portions as the spiderwebs wave and weave with each other... never quite touching... never tangling... Just lightly spinning in their soft silent dance above still waters.
I was mesmerized. I wanted to capture the dancing webs on my phone, but the electronics would never be able to pick up the slight flash of light, nor would it pick up something as thin as a web in open space. In a moment that felt like eternity, the sun-kissed spiderwebs rose, lifted high by an unseen wind, and disappeared. I sat, staring over the pool, hoping for another glimpse of delicately dancing webs on an invisible wind... And only heard the russeling of leaves. Disappointed, I finally left. Part of my heart is still back at the pool... still mesmerized by a beauty I never imagined could exist under the sun... still looking for fragile webs and invisible wings.
Lord, thank you for blessing me with the time and heart to see the beauty of your creation. My words cannot compare to what I saw today. But may you, Lord in heaven, use this blog to open my eyes and of those reading these words, to see the unearthly beauty of your creations... To take joy from this earth you created... And to find peace in the miracles of everyday life.
In Jesus' name I give thanks to an amazingly loving Father in heaven, amen.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Being Still
So much of the day is filled with busy-work. Everything has to be done sometime... but does everything need to be done now?
Before this surgery, every hour was filled with something... work, cooking, cleaning, projects, church events, and even my own "time-off" for reading or watching TV. Somehow, even as I was supposed to rest, I never really felt rested. Even vacations make me feel more drained! What's wrong with me?
So what is rest? How do I gain a satisfying peace-filled mini vacation? How can I recover and be filled when I feel drained empty inside?
After surgery, I'm finally starting to get a glimpse of what resting really is for me. It's not checking and responding to emails first thing in the morning, or brushing my teeth, or eating breakfast, or completing my never-ending list of to-do items. I find myself most refreshed just being still in God's presence. I praise God for the warm sun striking my skin, the faint russling of leaves in the background, light rippling off water, or even the bugs busily working in the dirt. Appreciating God creation, placing myself and my time in God's hands first before my busy-work... I now feel more at peace, more at rest, more joyful, more hopeful than I have felt in a long time. This feeling of rest can last the whole day, even when I'm running around getting stuff done. *grin* I'm learning to recharge my batteries before I run just on empty fumes. *smirk*
Still, easier said than done. Every morning, I still find myself looking at email or just a doing random things around the house before first spending time with God...silly right? I now know how to feel more complete, more at peace, more at rest... And the process, though easy, takes more effort and more determination to be still in God's presence.
During this time, I'm learning to treasure family, to treasure friendships, to treasure each bit of time I'm given, to treasure how my body works.
Father in heaven, thank you for the lessons I'm learning now. Thank you for the whole-hearted love and support from my husband, family, and friends. Father, may my life and my thoughts be used to honor you. Thank you Lord for teaching me how to rest. Please soften my heart so that I can rest more in your arms... To be re-filled and refreshed by your power and not my own.
Lord, I also ask that you help the pathologists provide an accurate label to my diagnosis. The doctors still haven't received the final results, but I thank you Lord that I'm an interesting case, that my doctors are ready and willing to send me elsewhere for follow-up if needed, that they are considering many options from radiation to another surgery or even a combination of both. I do worry about the side effects and the outcome, but worry changes nothing... So Lord, I continue to give my life and my health into your hands. Thank you for the hope and the peace I have in you. Thank you for the unfettered joy I have in living this life. Thank you Lord that I know you so that I never have to lean on my own power or wisdom to face the challenges of this life. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, so that all my faults that separate myself from you are redeemed and forgiven. Thank you Lord for loving me so much that you provide even better for me than perfect health or more wealth... That instead, I can feel more fulfilled in my imperfection and struggles.
In Jesus' name, I thank you God for loving me and for always providing for me in such a way I know you truly exist, amen.
Before this surgery, every hour was filled with something... work, cooking, cleaning, projects, church events, and even my own "time-off" for reading or watching TV. Somehow, even as I was supposed to rest, I never really felt rested. Even vacations make me feel more drained! What's wrong with me?
So what is rest? How do I gain a satisfying peace-filled mini vacation? How can I recover and be filled when I feel drained empty inside?
After surgery, I'm finally starting to get a glimpse of what resting really is for me. It's not checking and responding to emails first thing in the morning, or brushing my teeth, or eating breakfast, or completing my never-ending list of to-do items. I find myself most refreshed just being still in God's presence. I praise God for the warm sun striking my skin, the faint russling of leaves in the background, light rippling off water, or even the bugs busily working in the dirt. Appreciating God creation, placing myself and my time in God's hands first before my busy-work... I now feel more at peace, more at rest, more joyful, more hopeful than I have felt in a long time. This feeling of rest can last the whole day, even when I'm running around getting stuff done. *grin* I'm learning to recharge my batteries before I run just on empty fumes. *smirk*
Still, easier said than done. Every morning, I still find myself looking at email or just a doing random things around the house before first spending time with God...silly right? I now know how to feel more complete, more at peace, more at rest... And the process, though easy, takes more effort and more determination to be still in God's presence.
During this time, I'm learning to treasure family, to treasure friendships, to treasure each bit of time I'm given, to treasure how my body works.
Father in heaven, thank you for the lessons I'm learning now. Thank you for the whole-hearted love and support from my husband, family, and friends. Father, may my life and my thoughts be used to honor you. Thank you Lord for teaching me how to rest. Please soften my heart so that I can rest more in your arms... To be re-filled and refreshed by your power and not my own.
Lord, I also ask that you help the pathologists provide an accurate label to my diagnosis. The doctors still haven't received the final results, but I thank you Lord that I'm an interesting case, that my doctors are ready and willing to send me elsewhere for follow-up if needed, that they are considering many options from radiation to another surgery or even a combination of both. I do worry about the side effects and the outcome, but worry changes nothing... So Lord, I continue to give my life and my health into your hands. Thank you for the hope and the peace I have in you. Thank you for the unfettered joy I have in living this life. Thank you Lord that I know you so that I never have to lean on my own power or wisdom to face the challenges of this life. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, so that all my faults that separate myself from you are redeemed and forgiven. Thank you Lord for loving me so much that you provide even better for me than perfect health or more wealth... That instead, I can feel more fulfilled in my imperfection and struggles.
In Jesus' name, I thank you God for loving me and for always providing for me in such a way I know you truly exist, amen.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
When someone dies
Today, my great aunt died.
I'm not sure how to feel...she raised me. She gave up her job as a pharmacist and came to the States to raise me and my siblings while my parents worked.
When my family owned a little grocery store, we played there after school... free ice cream and Vienna sausages! On weekends, while we watched morning (and afternoon) cartoons, she would skin and cut fruit for us... even the grape skins and seeds would she carefully remove so that we would eat. Spoiled right? *smile*
Back then, she was a super clean freak... Everything had to be washed just right! She would fold our laundry, cook meals, and even play Chinese checkers with us... She was smart, and gentle, and loved us with all her heart. This is the person I miss... This is the woman I loved and respected!
These last few years, my great aunt struggled with CHF (congestive heart failure), multiple heart attacks, chest pain... diminishing health. For a while, when she stayed at a nursing home, her mind started to slip. She didn't always know who people were or what was going on so my family took her back home.
My grandma, my mom, my sister, and even my dad had to take care of her... Daily dealing with her constipation, diarrhea, increasing physical weakness, discomfort and pain. Her sharp mind never came back.
In these last few days, my dad had to physically carry her. My family changed her diapers, turned her in bed, fed her when she couldn't feed herself.
Today she went to the hospital. Today she died.
I grieve for the woman I knew growing up. I cry for the woman who raised me and struggled so hard to live.
Lord Father in heaven, I thank you that my great aunt is finally at rest and out of pain. I thank you for the opportunity of loving and being loved by her. If she had Jesus in her heart, as a Child of God, I thank you that I'll see her again.
For now, Lord, I ask that you bring my family close together. Give us hope that we'll someday meet again in your presence. Give us peace as we learn to live without her. Give us strength as we lean on each other. Give us a heart to rejoice now that my great aunt is no longer suffering.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
I'm not sure how to feel...she raised me. She gave up her job as a pharmacist and came to the States to raise me and my siblings while my parents worked.
When my family owned a little grocery store, we played there after school... free ice cream and Vienna sausages! On weekends, while we watched morning (and afternoon) cartoons, she would skin and cut fruit for us... even the grape skins and seeds would she carefully remove so that we would eat. Spoiled right? *smile*
Back then, she was a super clean freak... Everything had to be washed just right! She would fold our laundry, cook meals, and even play Chinese checkers with us... She was smart, and gentle, and loved us with all her heart. This is the person I miss... This is the woman I loved and respected!
These last few years, my great aunt struggled with CHF (congestive heart failure), multiple heart attacks, chest pain... diminishing health. For a while, when she stayed at a nursing home, her mind started to slip. She didn't always know who people were or what was going on so my family took her back home.
My grandma, my mom, my sister, and even my dad had to take care of her... Daily dealing with her constipation, diarrhea, increasing physical weakness, discomfort and pain. Her sharp mind never came back.
In these last few days, my dad had to physically carry her. My family changed her diapers, turned her in bed, fed her when she couldn't feed herself.
Today she went to the hospital. Today she died.
I grieve for the woman I knew growing up. I cry for the woman who raised me and struggled so hard to live.
Lord Father in heaven, I thank you that my great aunt is finally at rest and out of pain. I thank you for the opportunity of loving and being loved by her. If she had Jesus in her heart, as a Child of God, I thank you that I'll see her again.
For now, Lord, I ask that you bring my family close together. Give us hope that we'll someday meet again in your presence. Give us peace as we learn to live without her. Give us strength as we lean on each other. Give us a heart to rejoice now that my great aunt is no longer suffering.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Medicine and Food and Friends
This post surgery life is very weird! Before surgery, I eat a little bit of everything in sight! My friends at work can attest to the fact that I rarely ever turn down food. A little food here, a little food there . . . *grin* I'm always eating or have food handy . . . just in case I get hungry. *smirk*
About the 12th or13th day post-op, I decided to stop taking pain medicine. Beyond the fact that I dislike taking medications . . . I didn't want to be in the position where every time I ached, I felt the need to take more meds . . . just in case! By the fourth day of not taking any medications . . . I finally came to acknowledge that I _needed_ to take medication. The pain didn't let me sleep well, I ached too much to move, people around me got more worried, and my daily food intake dropped way low. These then became my reasons for taking pain meds again. *sigh* At least now, I know I am getting better, I only need like one pill every day or two. Victory!!! *grin*
The reason I mention food is because even now, when I don't feel pain, I am no longer in the habit of eating everything in sight. I actually have to work to make myself eat! Having to think about eating very weird.
Thank you everyone out there who has provided me food and drinks!!! =D Having the yummy variety of things to eat is making a huge difference in enticing me to eat proper meals. I'm still too lazy to get up and eat breakfast, but I now make sure I eat at least 2 full meals and 1-2 snack-meals a day. Hurray! Moreover, the thought of having wounds reopen from poor nutrition scares me . . . so I'm also counting calories to make sure I actually eat enough! *wink*
On a double positive note . . . I don't have to wear my abdominal binder anymore and I no longer feel drained just from sitting upright!
Thank you Heavenly Father for the words of wisdom (like "take those pain meds" and "don't be such a guy") and the supplies of supper yummy food and drinks I have received from very loving and supportive friends to help me get better. Receiving so much support and care from so many people is something I'm still learning to graciously accept . . . so Lord, please teach me to joyfully receive the support and help from others... this is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I've always been very independent and able to do everything myself, always wanting to help others, but not knowing how receive help. Thank you Father for providing so many people who want to help and are patient with me as I go through with this learning process.
Lord, I ask that when I go to radiology this Thursday, that if there's anything to find in my chest/lungs, may it be found, documented, and addressed. On the other hand, Father, I ask that if there's nothing to find, then may there be no false readings on the scan.
I also want to ask for wisdom for me, Noel, and all the medical staff involved in regards to how to progress with my diagnosis of leiomyosarcoma (or whatever else it may be) . . . for wisdom and accuracy in the questions asked, tests ordered and taken, assessments done, intervention/treatment process . . . this whole health issue. I ask Lord that you take control of how my cancer is dealt with.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have in you. For the continued support of all my friends and family showered upon this household, for knowing that I'm loved and cared for . . .
In Jesus' name, amen
About the 12th or13th day post-op, I decided to stop taking pain medicine. Beyond the fact that I dislike taking medications . . . I didn't want to be in the position where every time I ached, I felt the need to take more meds . . . just in case! By the fourth day of not taking any medications . . . I finally came to acknowledge that I _needed_ to take medication. The pain didn't let me sleep well, I ached too much to move, people around me got more worried, and my daily food intake dropped way low. These then became my reasons for taking pain meds again. *sigh* At least now, I know I am getting better, I only need like one pill every day or two. Victory!!! *grin*
The reason I mention food is because even now, when I don't feel pain, I am no longer in the habit of eating everything in sight. I actually have to work to make myself eat! Having to think about eating very weird.
Thank you everyone out there who has provided me food and drinks!!! =D Having the yummy variety of things to eat is making a huge difference in enticing me to eat proper meals. I'm still too lazy to get up and eat breakfast, but I now make sure I eat at least 2 full meals and 1-2 snack-meals a day. Hurray! Moreover, the thought of having wounds reopen from poor nutrition scares me . . . so I'm also counting calories to make sure I actually eat enough! *wink*
On a double positive note . . . I don't have to wear my abdominal binder anymore and I no longer feel drained just from sitting upright!
Thank you Heavenly Father for the words of wisdom (like "take those pain meds" and "don't be such a guy") and the supplies of supper yummy food and drinks I have received from very loving and supportive friends to help me get better. Receiving so much support and care from so many people is something I'm still learning to graciously accept . . . so Lord, please teach me to joyfully receive the support and help from others... this is a very hard lesson for me to learn. I've always been very independent and able to do everything myself, always wanting to help others, but not knowing how receive help. Thank you Father for providing so many people who want to help and are patient with me as I go through with this learning process.
Lord, I ask that when I go to radiology this Thursday, that if there's anything to find in my chest/lungs, may it be found, documented, and addressed. On the other hand, Father, I ask that if there's nothing to find, then may there be no false readings on the scan.
I also want to ask for wisdom for me, Noel, and all the medical staff involved in regards to how to progress with my diagnosis of leiomyosarcoma (or whatever else it may be) . . . for wisdom and accuracy in the questions asked, tests ordered and taken, assessments done, intervention/treatment process . . . this whole health issue. I ask Lord that you take control of how my cancer is dealt with.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have in you. For the continued support of all my friends and family showered upon this household, for knowing that I'm loved and cared for . . .
In Jesus' name, amen
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Dealing with shock
After Noel and I found out I had cancer this past Wednesday... He stayed home with me instead of going back to work. He held me. We cried.
I don't know or understand why I was crying... My chest just ached. I felt lost. I've always known that this life ends... So why does a more tangible amount of living make a difference? Is the thought of leaving that bad? Death is the end of pain, hardships, stress... But still, I want to live. I want the times of hardship and I want the times of unrestrained joy. I want to keep experiencing _this_ life.
After crying, we slept. Sleep is a huge blessing! Waking up... I felt more put-together, calm, renewed, refreshed. I felt as if I could take on the world... And win! *grin*
That night, we returned to our friend's home to continue with Subersive Life (week-long sleepover with 14 other people, growing together, learning to serve together, praying together... The community activity I mentioned earlier).
Stepping through the door, 2 friends greet us and ask "how was your day?" Somehow, just those words broke down the fragile walls I built around my heart, and tears once again slid down my face. So much for facing the world and winning huh? Noel sees me cry, he cries. I see him cry, then I cry. A friend cries, then I also cry. I'm getting tired of crying... But I can't seem to stop tearing up. *grumble* Crying sucks! My face gets soaking wet, snot dribbles down towards my lip, and my nose is so stuffed up that if you cover my mouth, I'd suffocate! Lovely sight. I hate crying... And I hate crying even more in public! *sigh*
If Noel and I were home alone, I'd never show this fragile part of myself to anyone but Noel... I'd not show anyone my tears...I'd build up my internal walls... I'd feel fine... But later, I would not be able to open up. I'm good at building internal walls that take years to break. *wink* lots of practice. Instead, God provided a schedule where I couldn't take the time to build my usual walls, couldn't hide until I put myself back together, couldn't just say "I'm okay." I like my way of handling stress... much more comfortable! Unfortunately, God has other ideas... better ones.
One thing I really appreciated that Wednesday night was the friendship. Everyone gathered around and we prayed together as a family in Christ... Turning to the one God we know is powerful enough to make a difference, to bring comfort, to bring peace.
After that, we continued with our night's planned activity... Pairing up into twos in order to talk to people about God. I hate walking up to strangers... Feels like I'm imposing on their time and stepping into their space... Only to never see them again. Sounds kinda pointless huh? But it wasn't. I was able to appreciate my partner's calm strength, steady presence, and constant support.
I don't know what the strangers thought of us... But talking to one homeless guy... Learning about his struggles, his hardships, his past mistakes, his loss... And yet, his continued will to live...I felt very blessed. I watched as tears seeped from this man's weather-worn face as he stated exactly how many years, weeks, and days since he lost his girlfriend. I listened as he talked about loosing first his mom, money, RV... loosing everything he posessed, bit by bit... The people and material things disappeared from his life. This week, he lost his sleeping place to a group of drug addicts who first beat him up and then kicked him out... Now he sleeps in bushes with no cover, no tent. He begs for money for both alcohol and food... And yet, even in his situation and lifestyle, he can laugh and he can smile.
So what do I have to be sad about??? A future in which I don't know what will happen? I have a future still filled with potential, with hope, with a diagnosis God can overturn if he chooses, with fun... A body that _is_ getting better with less pain.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to see my blessings. Thank you for a huge support network. Thank you that I will not have to undergo trials that are beyond my capability to handle when I lean on your strength. Thank you that as I try to serve you and serve others, I feel even more lucky, more blessed, more loved than if I hid behind internal walls. Thank you Father that I know I am loved beyond reason. Thank you for not just providing me support, but that you also provide for Noel, our families, and our friends... That, Lord, you can turn a seemingly bad situation and use it to grow me and all those around me even stronger together... To break many walls so that each person can truly link to another. I thank you Lord God for teaching us how to build a true community as a family and as one body in Christ Jesus. I thank you for this strength that is not my own.
I give praise to my heavenly Father in Jesus' name, amen.
I don't know or understand why I was crying... My chest just ached. I felt lost. I've always known that this life ends... So why does a more tangible amount of living make a difference? Is the thought of leaving that bad? Death is the end of pain, hardships, stress... But still, I want to live. I want the times of hardship and I want the times of unrestrained joy. I want to keep experiencing _this_ life.
After crying, we slept. Sleep is a huge blessing! Waking up... I felt more put-together, calm, renewed, refreshed. I felt as if I could take on the world... And win! *grin*
That night, we returned to our friend's home to continue with Subersive Life (week-long sleepover with 14 other people, growing together, learning to serve together, praying together... The community activity I mentioned earlier).
Stepping through the door, 2 friends greet us and ask "how was your day?" Somehow, just those words broke down the fragile walls I built around my heart, and tears once again slid down my face. So much for facing the world and winning huh? Noel sees me cry, he cries. I see him cry, then I cry. A friend cries, then I also cry. I'm getting tired of crying... But I can't seem to stop tearing up. *grumble* Crying sucks! My face gets soaking wet, snot dribbles down towards my lip, and my nose is so stuffed up that if you cover my mouth, I'd suffocate! Lovely sight. I hate crying... And I hate crying even more in public! *sigh*
If Noel and I were home alone, I'd never show this fragile part of myself to anyone but Noel... I'd not show anyone my tears...I'd build up my internal walls... I'd feel fine... But later, I would not be able to open up. I'm good at building internal walls that take years to break. *wink* lots of practice. Instead, God provided a schedule where I couldn't take the time to build my usual walls, couldn't hide until I put myself back together, couldn't just say "I'm okay." I like my way of handling stress... much more comfortable! Unfortunately, God has other ideas... better ones.
One thing I really appreciated that Wednesday night was the friendship. Everyone gathered around and we prayed together as a family in Christ... Turning to the one God we know is powerful enough to make a difference, to bring comfort, to bring peace.
After that, we continued with our night's planned activity... Pairing up into twos in order to talk to people about God. I hate walking up to strangers... Feels like I'm imposing on their time and stepping into their space... Only to never see them again. Sounds kinda pointless huh? But it wasn't. I was able to appreciate my partner's calm strength, steady presence, and constant support.
I don't know what the strangers thought of us... But talking to one homeless guy... Learning about his struggles, his hardships, his past mistakes, his loss... And yet, his continued will to live...I felt very blessed. I watched as tears seeped from this man's weather-worn face as he stated exactly how many years, weeks, and days since he lost his girlfriend. I listened as he talked about loosing first his mom, money, RV... loosing everything he posessed, bit by bit... The people and material things disappeared from his life. This week, he lost his sleeping place to a group of drug addicts who first beat him up and then kicked him out... Now he sleeps in bushes with no cover, no tent. He begs for money for both alcohol and food... And yet, even in his situation and lifestyle, he can laugh and he can smile.
So what do I have to be sad about??? A future in which I don't know what will happen? I have a future still filled with potential, with hope, with a diagnosis God can overturn if he chooses, with fun... A body that _is_ getting better with less pain.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to see my blessings. Thank you for a huge support network. Thank you that I will not have to undergo trials that are beyond my capability to handle when I lean on your strength. Thank you that as I try to serve you and serve others, I feel even more lucky, more blessed, more loved than if I hid behind internal walls. Thank you Father that I know I am loved beyond reason. Thank you for not just providing me support, but that you also provide for Noel, our families, and our friends... That, Lord, you can turn a seemingly bad situation and use it to grow me and all those around me even stronger together... To break many walls so that each person can truly link to another. I thank you Lord God for teaching us how to build a true community as a family and as one body in Christ Jesus. I thank you for this strength that is not my own.
I give praise to my heavenly Father in Jesus' name, amen.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Stand tall and live!
I write... Not to make you feel guilty or sorrowful... But so that you may rejoice in this lifetime... To live life to it's fullest... To not let the tough times or the sad times drag you down.
I will die... But everyone dies. I just don't plan on dying anytime soon! *grin* I've still got lots of stuff to do, activities to try, and this precious live I'm given to live.
I don't want to live with my head hidden in the ground. I don't want to ignore the people surrounding me. I don't want to miss any of the cool stuff God plans for my life and those around me. I believe God made me with a purpose... I will fulfill that purpose as I continue to walk with my Lord Jesus Christ. For now, I will learn to live even stronger than before. I will smile, not to hide tears, but I will smile because God is good and life is fun.
I've gone through hardships I thought were difficult to deal with: loniliness, fear of loss when my parents fought, stress when money ran out, molestation, addiction... Each time felt worse and harder than the next... but with God's help, I'm not only a survivor, I'm free. With each trial, I gain strength. With each trial, though more difficult, one after the other starts to feel simpler. Each trial required God to carry me when my own strength failed. Each trial, I learn the meaning of blind faith. Each trial, I lean more on God and less on myself. With each trial, I struggle less and come out more.
Looking back, I would not trade away any hardships, any mistakes, anything. I am who you see today because of my past experiences.
Plus, I'm not alone. With Jesus by my side, I'm never truly alone.
Sure I still have the occasional fits of self-pity, anger, frustration, fear, stress... But I will not let any of these emotions hold me down.
Life is what I make of it... And I chose not only to exist... but I chose to live.
Father in heaven, may your vey name be gloified. Thank you for loving an imperfect me. Thank you for the support and help of so many friends and family! Lord, I feel very blessed and very loved.
Thank you Father God for this time I have to write, the ability to be transparent using words. Lord, I just want to be well again, even for a little while. Thank you Lord for a body I took for granted for so long. May you please give me wisdom in regards to what to pray for. I want to ask to be healed completely, but I feel that right now is not yet the time... So Lord in heaven, teach me to pray in your will that my prayers will be answered. Give me strength to keep walking forward, the courage to keep looking up, and wisdom in the thoughts I share.
In Jesus name I ask these things and more, amen.
I will die... But everyone dies. I just don't plan on dying anytime soon! *grin* I've still got lots of stuff to do, activities to try, and this precious live I'm given to live.
I don't want to live with my head hidden in the ground. I don't want to ignore the people surrounding me. I don't want to miss any of the cool stuff God plans for my life and those around me. I believe God made me with a purpose... I will fulfill that purpose as I continue to walk with my Lord Jesus Christ. For now, I will learn to live even stronger than before. I will smile, not to hide tears, but I will smile because God is good and life is fun.
I've gone through hardships I thought were difficult to deal with: loniliness, fear of loss when my parents fought, stress when money ran out, molestation, addiction... Each time felt worse and harder than the next... but with God's help, I'm not only a survivor, I'm free. With each trial, I gain strength. With each trial, though more difficult, one after the other starts to feel simpler. Each trial required God to carry me when my own strength failed. Each trial, I learn the meaning of blind faith. Each trial, I lean more on God and less on myself. With each trial, I struggle less and come out more.
Looking back, I would not trade away any hardships, any mistakes, anything. I am who you see today because of my past experiences.
Plus, I'm not alone. With Jesus by my side, I'm never truly alone.
Sure I still have the occasional fits of self-pity, anger, frustration, fear, stress... But I will not let any of these emotions hold me down.
Life is what I make of it... And I chose not only to exist... but I chose to live.
Father in heaven, may your vey name be gloified. Thank you for loving an imperfect me. Thank you for the support and help of so many friends and family! Lord, I feel very blessed and very loved.
Thank you Father God for this time I have to write, the ability to be transparent using words. Lord, I just want to be well again, even for a little while. Thank you Lord for a body I took for granted for so long. May you please give me wisdom in regards to what to pray for. I want to ask to be healed completely, but I feel that right now is not yet the time... So Lord in heaven, teach me to pray in your will that my prayers will be answered. Give me strength to keep walking forward, the courage to keep looking up, and wisdom in the thoughts I share.
In Jesus name I ask these things and more, amen.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I can write what I can't directly say
Talking to people directly about how and what I feel is very difficult. At least when I initiate the conversation, I tend to shy away from speaking completely what I feel and what I want to say. Plus, how much do you really want to know about me and what I go through? *smirk*
At least in writing, you, as my audience, can leave at any time. *grin* At the same time, feel free to talk to me about what I write; it lets me know that it's okay to talk...that the uncomfortable stuff I say is acceptable.
Yesterday, I went to see my surgeon. The good news is that I got my stitches removed! Now, I've just got itchy steri-strips on to minimize the scar... But no visible wound opening this time! Yay!!!
Bad new: even though the full official pathology report isn't back yet, I've been diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma; a very rare type of smooth muscle cancer... the type that doesn't respond well to radiation or chemotherapy. Go figure... I'm very unique. Problem with this form of cancer is that it responds best to surgery; every time you find one, get it cut out. Sounds simple, but I'm really not into having any more abdominal surgeries! I'm also not sure risking chemo or radiation is even worth the potential side effects. *shrug* Noel and I are still trying to see what this will mean for our future... How long will I live? Will we have kids? Will I have to go through more surgeries? Will I fully heal from this surgery? Is the numbness on my right thigh permanent?
Questions with no definite answers.
I'm scared...
Dying is easy. The thought of a slow death writhing in pain and weakness really isn't appealing. The thought of leaving Noel alone in this world hurts even more... but living is hard.
Even now, I sometimes fear to eat. As my body digests food of any type...soft or firm, veggie or meat... I writhe in pain as the food passes through my intestines. Somehow after this surgery, my incisions feel sore but fine, the ache diminishes a little more each day. Inside, I feel like someone bruised me to a pulp and stuffed my intestines back inside. When I eat, the food, and even the air, passing through my digestive system makes me freeze and catch my breath. Most times, I squirm a little hoping to alleviate the sharp pain. Other times, I feel like pounding the walls or tearing myself open to stop the pain or distract myself... I don't know. It's in these most painful times that I feel helpless... The pain doesn't usually last long, but I'm also never sure when it'll hit me.
I don't know what to think anymore. Will I heal and this pain end? Or is this pain something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life? It's only been 15 days since the surgery... But what scares me is that this surgery is nothing like the last time.
Lord Father in heaven, thank you that I don't have controll of my life. If I did, I'd never experience your presence and provisions as I do now. Thank you, Lord, for the times with no pain and no ache. Thank you for my past filled with cool fun activities such as racing, rockclimbing, and paintballing.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have when I turn to you. Thank you for the joy I still take in this life. Thank you for the hope I have that you'll always provide. Thank you for the strength, courage, and support.
I know that your provisions may not be health or wealth in money, but I know beyond a doubt that I am loved by my Lord Jesus who willingly died and resurected so that I may have a personal relationship with my Father in heaven. I look forward to the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom, strength, and courage when I lack these qualities. I trust an all powerful Father-God who lets nothing happen without a reason. May my life and how I live it be honoring to you Lord, may my attitude bring you glory, and my life a living praise.
In Jesus' name I thank you Lord for the comfort you provide and the strength I find in your presence, amen.
At least in writing, you, as my audience, can leave at any time. *grin* At the same time, feel free to talk to me about what I write; it lets me know that it's okay to talk...that the uncomfortable stuff I say is acceptable.
Yesterday, I went to see my surgeon. The good news is that I got my stitches removed! Now, I've just got itchy steri-strips on to minimize the scar... But no visible wound opening this time! Yay!!!
Bad new: even though the full official pathology report isn't back yet, I've been diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma; a very rare type of smooth muscle cancer... the type that doesn't respond well to radiation or chemotherapy. Go figure... I'm very unique. Problem with this form of cancer is that it responds best to surgery; every time you find one, get it cut out. Sounds simple, but I'm really not into having any more abdominal surgeries! I'm also not sure risking chemo or radiation is even worth the potential side effects. *shrug* Noel and I are still trying to see what this will mean for our future... How long will I live? Will we have kids? Will I have to go through more surgeries? Will I fully heal from this surgery? Is the numbness on my right thigh permanent?
Questions with no definite answers.
I'm scared...
Dying is easy. The thought of a slow death writhing in pain and weakness really isn't appealing. The thought of leaving Noel alone in this world hurts even more... but living is hard.
Even now, I sometimes fear to eat. As my body digests food of any type...soft or firm, veggie or meat... I writhe in pain as the food passes through my intestines. Somehow after this surgery, my incisions feel sore but fine, the ache diminishes a little more each day. Inside, I feel like someone bruised me to a pulp and stuffed my intestines back inside. When I eat, the food, and even the air, passing through my digestive system makes me freeze and catch my breath. Most times, I squirm a little hoping to alleviate the sharp pain. Other times, I feel like pounding the walls or tearing myself open to stop the pain or distract myself... I don't know. It's in these most painful times that I feel helpless... The pain doesn't usually last long, but I'm also never sure when it'll hit me.
I don't know what to think anymore. Will I heal and this pain end? Or is this pain something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life? It's only been 15 days since the surgery... But what scares me is that this surgery is nothing like the last time.
Lord Father in heaven, thank you that I don't have controll of my life. If I did, I'd never experience your presence and provisions as I do now. Thank you, Lord, for the times with no pain and no ache. Thank you for my past filled with cool fun activities such as racing, rockclimbing, and paintballing.
Thank you Lord for the peace I have when I turn to you. Thank you for the joy I still take in this life. Thank you for the hope I have that you'll always provide. Thank you for the strength, courage, and support.
I know that your provisions may not be health or wealth in money, but I know beyond a doubt that I am loved by my Lord Jesus who willingly died and resurected so that I may have a personal relationship with my Father in heaven. I look forward to the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom, strength, and courage when I lack these qualities. I trust an all powerful Father-God who lets nothing happen without a reason. May my life and how I live it be honoring to you Lord, may my attitude bring you glory, and my life a living praise.
In Jesus' name I thank you Lord for the comfort you provide and the strength I find in your presence, amen.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Trusting in God's goodness
Yesterday was the first day of subversive life; a one week intense time of a 16 person community sleeping, eating, praying, and learning to serve each other and strangers... under one roof.
For me, this means longer commutes... And yesterday was an 8-hour class I dared to sit through... And God totally provided! I made it through the class, all the various bumpy car rides, and a whole evening of community life... Definitely not by my own strength because my body hasn't been able to handle this much activity before... So definitely by God's power!
Thank you Lord in heaven for the strength you provided so that I could participate in subversive life, make it through a long course that required a lot of sitting upright, and the peace to know that I'm not walking this path by my own insignificant power or determination. Thank you Lord for carrying me through when I don't have the strength to stand and move on my own. I again dedicate my body into your care as I've decided not to take anymore pain medicine this week. I want to trust in your provision and strength and not my own.
I'm scared for tonight... Going into the Hayward community, offering to pray for others, and having to trust that my body will be exactly what you've called me to be to reach others and be reached... I entrust my body and my time and my soul into your care...and thank you Jesus for loving and caring more for me than I do for myself.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
For me, this means longer commutes... And yesterday was an 8-hour class I dared to sit through... And God totally provided! I made it through the class, all the various bumpy car rides, and a whole evening of community life... Definitely not by my own strength because my body hasn't been able to handle this much activity before... So definitely by God's power!
Thank you Lord in heaven for the strength you provided so that I could participate in subversive life, make it through a long course that required a lot of sitting upright, and the peace to know that I'm not walking this path by my own insignificant power or determination. Thank you Lord for carrying me through when I don't have the strength to stand and move on my own. I again dedicate my body into your care as I've decided not to take anymore pain medicine this week. I want to trust in your provision and strength and not my own.
I'm scared for tonight... Going into the Hayward community, offering to pray for others, and having to trust that my body will be exactly what you've called me to be to reach others and be reached... I entrust my body and my time and my soul into your care...and thank you Jesus for loving and caring more for me than I do for myself.
In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Healing...
Right now, the term "healing" is overrated, I feel more drained now than I did when I was in the hospital! *sigh*
I get out of breath and feel my heart pounding in my ears from walking up 14 steps, but this is probably because I can move faster now... I hope.
Sneezing no longer makes me feel like I'm being torn in two with only the stitches holding me together... At least when I sneeze now, it's only an achy feeling. Good! My muscles and skin are finally knitting together. Yay!!!
Today is the 11th day after surgery... The incision looks good (kinda cool where it curves around one side of my belly button)... The cut is measured at 6 inches with 18 stitches... But now it itches like crazy and scratching doesn't seem to work. *sniffle*
It's hard to appreciate where I currently am... My mind is alert and I want to do so much more than my body is capable of. Frustrating! However, compared to when I was in the hospital pumped full of meds, but dizzy and even weaker... I prefer now... I just don't want to get stuck in this stage!
Thank you Lord that I'm getting stronger and progressively my body is healing. Thank you for the knowledge and hope that I won't be stuck in this semi-helpless stage for forever. It feels weird to have others carry stuff for me, but Lord, I'm very very grateful for the friends and family you have brought into my life to support me when I can't support myself!
Father in heaven... I don't know if I have the strength to go through the subversive life activities and week-long fellowship at a friend's home. I'll be away from the comfort of home, away from my couch set-up just right for watching anime *smirk*, with daily long drives in traffic and on bumpy roads... I'm scared. I'm unsure what my body can handle and how I will feel... But Lord, you've provided everything with the most perfect timing (2 weeks off to do backyard stuff that let me get to be at the strongest point in my life, right into the abdominal surgery)... So how can I doubt that at this time and place, your provision will be any less?
Lord Jesus, I ask that as I step once again into uncertainty, that you continue to heal my body, give me physical, spiritual, and emotional strength! I ask that you take care of our cats while Noel and I are gone at night... That the cats won't act up or feel ignored... That they still feel loved and cared for. I pray that Noel and I will have the strength and courage and willingness to serve as you've called us this coming week. Please give us a peaceful and joyful attitude filled with the knowledge of your goodness as we step out of our comfort zones into whatever path you will guide us into and be present in all the conversations we have with the people we will meet.
In Jesus' holy name I pray and ask these things and more, amen.
I get out of breath and feel my heart pounding in my ears from walking up 14 steps, but this is probably because I can move faster now... I hope.
Sneezing no longer makes me feel like I'm being torn in two with only the stitches holding me together... At least when I sneeze now, it's only an achy feeling. Good! My muscles and skin are finally knitting together. Yay!!!
Today is the 11th day after surgery... The incision looks good (kinda cool where it curves around one side of my belly button)... The cut is measured at 6 inches with 18 stitches... But now it itches like crazy and scratching doesn't seem to work. *sniffle*
It's hard to appreciate where I currently am... My mind is alert and I want to do so much more than my body is capable of. Frustrating! However, compared to when I was in the hospital pumped full of meds, but dizzy and even weaker... I prefer now... I just don't want to get stuck in this stage!
Thank you Lord that I'm getting stronger and progressively my body is healing. Thank you for the knowledge and hope that I won't be stuck in this semi-helpless stage for forever. It feels weird to have others carry stuff for me, but Lord, I'm very very grateful for the friends and family you have brought into my life to support me when I can't support myself!
Father in heaven... I don't know if I have the strength to go through the subversive life activities and week-long fellowship at a friend's home. I'll be away from the comfort of home, away from my couch set-up just right for watching anime *smirk*, with daily long drives in traffic and on bumpy roads... I'm scared. I'm unsure what my body can handle and how I will feel... But Lord, you've provided everything with the most perfect timing (2 weeks off to do backyard stuff that let me get to be at the strongest point in my life, right into the abdominal surgery)... So how can I doubt that at this time and place, your provision will be any less?
Lord Jesus, I ask that as I step once again into uncertainty, that you continue to heal my body, give me physical, spiritual, and emotional strength! I ask that you take care of our cats while Noel and I are gone at night... That the cats won't act up or feel ignored... That they still feel loved and cared for. I pray that Noel and I will have the strength and courage and willingness to serve as you've called us this coming week. Please give us a peaceful and joyful attitude filled with the knowledge of your goodness as we step out of our comfort zones into whatever path you will guide us into and be present in all the conversations we have with the people we will meet.
In Jesus' holy name I pray and ask these things and more, amen.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The little things that aren't so little
Hello everyone!!!
I finally feel focused enough to write. *grin*
On Oct 5th, surgery finally started about 2:30pm (instead of the planned 9am)... I was starving and my mom sits next to me with this huge bag of food and drinks. *drool*. Anyways, when I finally start getting ready for surgery, i get this purple gown that hooks up to a heated air blower called Bair Paw... Technology is awesome!!! I hate being cold and this device kept me so warm that when anesthesiology came to place IVs in me... My blood vessels nicely popped out!*smile*. Little things like that for comfort have really made the difference in helping keep my positive attitude.
After surgery, I remember my sister handing me this HUGE stuffed dog (yes...another super large toy!!!) and it's been a super large blessing because this hospital is always out of pillows...so this large dog named Sammy has kept me both warm, it's legs are great to cuddle me front and back, and the large ears flop perfectly over my eyes to block out the constant light each hospital room has (either from staff leaving the light on when they say "good night" to you, from the hallway light when the door's always left open, or even the constant light from my IV pump).
I still remember my last surgery, not enough blankets, cold air, always shivering... Misery! This time, my mom made my bed with so many blankets and topped it off with another wool blanket my sister gave me from my last surgery... Who knew that a well made bed could be so comfortable, the sheets smooth, and no cold air leaks in! I've not let any of the staff remake my bed... My mom definitely made it the best! *grin*.
Another tidbit for anyone staying overnight at the hospital... The bed's always feel uneven with weird dips, especially under your butt! Playing with my bed, I found the most perfect position... Head of bed up a couple inches and the bed bent up at the knees... Makes the bed fit my body, allows me to rest comfy with no strech in my abdomen to cause discomfort at the incision site, and I can use the bed to help me get up when things are aching a lot. Yay!
Little things really do make a difference! As my gaze roams around a bleak room with pratical tans and green curtains, I see the beautiful flowers given to me by my co-workers and Noel's best friend. It's fun to stare at the different flower shapes, subtle and bold color changes, and varied textures of the flower petals and leaves. God really creates beautiful things... And having that little bit of nature in my room reminds me of God's glory and that Jesus has a plan for me... Exactly where I am, the staff I meet and talk to, the patients I smile at in the hallway, and that I am here to be blessed by others as well as to bless those around me.
Thank you Father in heaven for your favor upon me. I am blessed with a room to myself in a quiet location, staff to talk and laugh with, family and friends to support me, and quick healing. Thank you for helping me deal with discomfort and pain with hope, peace in the knowledge that I will heal, and the strength to keep moving in the face of fear and pain.
Lord God in heaven, I ask that you continue to use my time here on earth to serve you. In both the good times and bad, may I never stray from your side and your protection. In this uncertain world, may I always have the peace and strength to forge ahead, not for my own wants, but for the greater purpose of serving a loving Lord who is greater than anything or any other purpose or comfort I can think of.
Thank you Lord for blessing the doctors to find the multiple tumors and help them remove it (cauterizing the smaller walnut-sized growths and removing the one the size of a small cantaloupe from my intestines). Thank you Lord that I only lost 2-liters of blood and the doctors were able to give me a transfusion of red blood cells and albumin. Thank you Lord for a quick 3.5 hour surgery in which the doctors put me neatly back together. Thank you Jesus that for now, the doctors can't find anymore growths, but also have the wisdom to expect more growths in the future. Thank you Lord that I know you personally in my life o that I don't have to worry if I only have a day or many years to live. My life is yours, Lord, use it as you see fit... So long as I can honor you in how I live and act, my life is already complete... Everything else is just more blessing you shower me with from your mercy and your grace. May this body continue to be the Lord's temple and tool, to use as you see fit... In Jesus' name I thank my Lord in heaven for my given purpose in this life, to be one of meaning and not self-serving emptiness. Amen.
I finally feel focused enough to write. *grin*
On Oct 5th, surgery finally started about 2:30pm (instead of the planned 9am)... I was starving and my mom sits next to me with this huge bag of food and drinks. *drool*. Anyways, when I finally start getting ready for surgery, i get this purple gown that hooks up to a heated air blower called Bair Paw... Technology is awesome!!! I hate being cold and this device kept me so warm that when anesthesiology came to place IVs in me... My blood vessels nicely popped out!*smile*. Little things like that for comfort have really made the difference in helping keep my positive attitude.
After surgery, I remember my sister handing me this HUGE stuffed dog (yes...another super large toy!!!) and it's been a super large blessing because this hospital is always out of pillows...so this large dog named Sammy has kept me both warm, it's legs are great to cuddle me front and back, and the large ears flop perfectly over my eyes to block out the constant light each hospital room has (either from staff leaving the light on when they say "good night" to you, from the hallway light when the door's always left open, or even the constant light from my IV pump).
I still remember my last surgery, not enough blankets, cold air, always shivering... Misery! This time, my mom made my bed with so many blankets and topped it off with another wool blanket my sister gave me from my last surgery... Who knew that a well made bed could be so comfortable, the sheets smooth, and no cold air leaks in! I've not let any of the staff remake my bed... My mom definitely made it the best! *grin*.
Another tidbit for anyone staying overnight at the hospital... The bed's always feel uneven with weird dips, especially under your butt! Playing with my bed, I found the most perfect position... Head of bed up a couple inches and the bed bent up at the knees... Makes the bed fit my body, allows me to rest comfy with no strech in my abdomen to cause discomfort at the incision site, and I can use the bed to help me get up when things are aching a lot. Yay!
Little things really do make a difference! As my gaze roams around a bleak room with pratical tans and green curtains, I see the beautiful flowers given to me by my co-workers and Noel's best friend. It's fun to stare at the different flower shapes, subtle and bold color changes, and varied textures of the flower petals and leaves. God really creates beautiful things... And having that little bit of nature in my room reminds me of God's glory and that Jesus has a plan for me... Exactly where I am, the staff I meet and talk to, the patients I smile at in the hallway, and that I am here to be blessed by others as well as to bless those around me.
Thank you Father in heaven for your favor upon me. I am blessed with a room to myself in a quiet location, staff to talk and laugh with, family and friends to support me, and quick healing. Thank you for helping me deal with discomfort and pain with hope, peace in the knowledge that I will heal, and the strength to keep moving in the face of fear and pain.
Lord God in heaven, I ask that you continue to use my time here on earth to serve you. In both the good times and bad, may I never stray from your side and your protection. In this uncertain world, may I always have the peace and strength to forge ahead, not for my own wants, but for the greater purpose of serving a loving Lord who is greater than anything or any other purpose or comfort I can think of.
Thank you Lord for blessing the doctors to find the multiple tumors and help them remove it (cauterizing the smaller walnut-sized growths and removing the one the size of a small cantaloupe from my intestines). Thank you Lord that I only lost 2-liters of blood and the doctors were able to give me a transfusion of red blood cells and albumin. Thank you Lord for a quick 3.5 hour surgery in which the doctors put me neatly back together. Thank you Jesus that for now, the doctors can't find anymore growths, but also have the wisdom to expect more growths in the future. Thank you Lord that I know you personally in my life o that I don't have to worry if I only have a day or many years to live. My life is yours, Lord, use it as you see fit... So long as I can honor you in how I live and act, my life is already complete... Everything else is just more blessing you shower me with from your mercy and your grace. May this body continue to be the Lord's temple and tool, to use as you see fit... In Jesus' name I thank my Lord in heaven for my given purpose in this life, to be one of meaning and not self-serving emptiness. Amen.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Surgery
Surgery planned for Oct 5, 2011 at 9am!
Yay!!! I'm so excited! From here on out... Things will just keep getting better!
Don't know how long I'll need to be in the hospital... Kinda depends on where the mass is actually attached to. *grin*
Thanks to everyone who's been wishing me the best and praying for me! I really appreciate all the encouragement and support.
Just wanted to let you all know that I feel very loved and have been blessed with almost finishing my backyard project (all the heavy stuff done) and really enjoying my time with Noel(outdoor rock climbing, cleaning house, sleeping late). Life's been awesome!
Love ya all and see you guys soon! --K
Yay!!! I'm so excited! From here on out... Things will just keep getting better!
Don't know how long I'll need to be in the hospital... Kinda depends on where the mass is actually attached to. *grin*
Thanks to everyone who's been wishing me the best and praying for me! I really appreciate all the encouragement and support.
Just wanted to let you all know that I feel very loved and have been blessed with almost finishing my backyard project (all the heavy stuff done) and really enjoying my time with Noel(outdoor rock climbing, cleaning house, sleeping late). Life's been awesome!
Love ya all and see you guys soon! --K
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Fear
Very rarely do I get scared, but today... I'm frightened...
I went to pick a friend up... getting onto the freeway, I did my usual... zipping past cars on the on-ramp in a different lane... Passing cars until I had to merge... Then proceeded to merge. *shrug*. Nothing unusual, the space I merged into had plenty of space.
The car behind me pulled along-side my car, honked, and gave me the finger. *sigh* guess someone's not too happy to have me merge quickly in front of them. *grimace* Guess it's not very nice of me to scare someone??? But I didn't break any laws either... Ah well, I'll take it as my fault... Scaring other people isn't nice and some people do get scared when a car unexpectedly shows up.
I'm getting tired of being pinned in the right lane, so I speed up and cruise my way over to the left lane... Slowly, I watch this guy(same one who gave me the finger) take his time and pull up behind me... Is he following me? Or is he just going the same direction? I'm not sure... There's plenty of space behind me so I don't feel crowded... But when I slide over to exit, he's back there too!
Okay... Am I just being paranoid or is he actually taking the time to follow me? I can't tell... Each time I pull ahead, he catches up at a red light. He's not speeding, not zipping between cars to catch up, not tailing me... He's just always there each time I look back! His face and his driving style look calm, controlled, not rushed. Maybe I'm just imagining things? Well, I'm definitely not taking a stranger to my home!
From the left lane, across another lane, I make a very quick right turn, tires lightly screeching, he follows. Still calm, faster... But still not rushed feeling... I speed up.
Unfortuneately, I'm now in a residential area I don't know well... This area has kids playing on the sidewalk, dead end streets, stop-signs... I don't want to drive too fast that I can't stop if a kids runs into the street... And with each turn and stop-sign, the SUV catches up... He definitely following me! I drive almost in a loop when there were shorter paths and he's still there like a quiet stalker hunting his prey... Hunting me!
I'm so scared!
I blubber a quick prayer to Jesus: "help me loose this guy following me! Help me drive fast and safely through residential streets and avoid red lights and stop signs! Help me get home without him finding out where I live!"
I step on the gas... use my turbo to fling my car forward on the straights, screech my tires louder and louder around turns... And watch the SUV fall further and further behind until I take a couple last turns with my car sliding sideways... Look back... And no longer see him.
I drive home fearing he may pop out and find me again... Or maybe he's tailing me so far back I don't see him? I arrive home shaking... I've seen people with road rage, I've seen aggressive angry driving... But I've never seen this cold, controlled, methodical stalking before. That's what scared me the most.
Looking back, I should have stayed on the main roads and had my friend call the cops. Hindsight's great right? But at the time, I just felt this gnawing fear to run, to hide, to escape...
I'm home, but I still don't feel safe.
I went to pick a friend up... getting onto the freeway, I did my usual... zipping past cars on the on-ramp in a different lane... Passing cars until I had to merge... Then proceeded to merge. *shrug*. Nothing unusual, the space I merged into had plenty of space.
The car behind me pulled along-side my car, honked, and gave me the finger. *sigh* guess someone's not too happy to have me merge quickly in front of them. *grimace* Guess it's not very nice of me to scare someone??? But I didn't break any laws either... Ah well, I'll take it as my fault... Scaring other people isn't nice and some people do get scared when a car unexpectedly shows up.
I'm getting tired of being pinned in the right lane, so I speed up and cruise my way over to the left lane... Slowly, I watch this guy(same one who gave me the finger) take his time and pull up behind me... Is he following me? Or is he just going the same direction? I'm not sure... There's plenty of space behind me so I don't feel crowded... But when I slide over to exit, he's back there too!
Okay... Am I just being paranoid or is he actually taking the time to follow me? I can't tell... Each time I pull ahead, he catches up at a red light. He's not speeding, not zipping between cars to catch up, not tailing me... He's just always there each time I look back! His face and his driving style look calm, controlled, not rushed. Maybe I'm just imagining things? Well, I'm definitely not taking a stranger to my home!
From the left lane, across another lane, I make a very quick right turn, tires lightly screeching, he follows. Still calm, faster... But still not rushed feeling... I speed up.
Unfortuneately, I'm now in a residential area I don't know well... This area has kids playing on the sidewalk, dead end streets, stop-signs... I don't want to drive too fast that I can't stop if a kids runs into the street... And with each turn and stop-sign, the SUV catches up... He definitely following me! I drive almost in a loop when there were shorter paths and he's still there like a quiet stalker hunting his prey... Hunting me!
I'm so scared!
I blubber a quick prayer to Jesus: "help me loose this guy following me! Help me drive fast and safely through residential streets and avoid red lights and stop signs! Help me get home without him finding out where I live!"
I step on the gas... use my turbo to fling my car forward on the straights, screech my tires louder and louder around turns... And watch the SUV fall further and further behind until I take a couple last turns with my car sliding sideways... Look back... And no longer see him.
I drive home fearing he may pop out and find me again... Or maybe he's tailing me so far back I don't see him? I arrive home shaking... I've seen people with road rage, I've seen aggressive angry driving... But I've never seen this cold, controlled, methodical stalking before. That's what scared me the most.
Looking back, I should have stayed on the main roads and had my friend call the cops. Hindsight's great right? But at the time, I just felt this gnawing fear to run, to hide, to escape...
I'm home, but I still don't feel safe.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Fun with imperfection!
Yay!!! Got my surgery date for October 5, 2011 and I've been blessed with absolutely no pain!
Wednesday Noel and I learned to float and fly in a large wind tunnel at iFly. Then yesterday, my friend came over early and helped me hack at this super large root and then dig the hard dirt by my gate in prep for laying concrete and flagstone (this girl is the best digger I've met! Her technique is awesome.... It was great to watch! And yeah... I slacked off a bit and she did some really cool digging that moved dirt fast!) =D
Anyways... Last couple of days, I've been thinking about what a perfect body or life would mean. Who wants to be perfect? I do and I don't...
Well, for one thing, if I was perfect...I'd never put my foot in my mouth, I'd remember everyone's name the first time, I'd ace any test that came my way, and I'd be able to plan for every possible issue with a contingency plan and never fail at anything... Nothing would ever or could ever go wrong! Sounds so tempting right? To never ever fail or look bad or be stupid or get hurt...
If I never say the wrong thing, I'd never understand forgiveness and mercy. If I remembered everyone's name the first time, I wouldn't try as hard to get to know the person and link their face and name with a cool event or hobby to trigger my memory. If I always aced each test, I wouldn't take the time to understand exactly why things are done or how to break a question down into smaller steps to really know the theory behind the answers. If I never made mistakes, I wouldn't need to depend on my family or friends for support...
Perfection leads to independence, boredom, an inability to understand others, stress to meet/exceed expectations... Perfection leads to loneliness... And a perfectly working body would lead me to take my activities for granted...
Lord Jesus, thank you for giving me a body that I can use to do crazy backyard projects with friends! A body that can take a beating in paintball. A body that can run when playing with my church youth. A body that can jump, climb, and tumble without a care . . . But also for the blessing of an imperfect body and lifestyle so that I can see the many blessings I have and appreciate even more the fun I'm having right now.
Lord, I thank you for the courage to make mistakes, the strength to step forward into the unknown because you're by my side. I thank you Father for the peace in knowing that my life has meaning, a purpose not defined by my own abilities and selfish wants, a life worth living and filled with blessings beyond measure by you as my Creator Father who sent his only son, Jesus, to die so that I can be saved... For opening my eyes to see that in this fallen world, I am blessed beyond measure that because my body doesn't always function at its best, I can experience and better feel the love and support of my family and friends. If I was perfect, I would be so much less than I am now... So I thank you Lord for giving me so much more!
May my upcoming surgery be to your will, Lord... I want to heal quickly with no problems or pain, but at the same time, I've seen how much I am loved and blessed... And I don't want anything less than what you have planned for me. . . For i know that my Lord's plan is better and contains more blessings than i can ever imagine! Just give me and those around me strength to stand tall, courage to face the unknown, hope in an ever-loving Father in heaven, peace that what my God calls for me to experience is never beyond what I am capable of handling, and joy that regardless of any outcome (be it for this surgery or for my life)...I am loved beyond what words can express... By my God and Jesus, by my family, and by my friends.
Thank you Jesus for this life I have lived, both the good and the bad... And for the future to come. In Jesus' name I praise my God, amen.
Wednesday Noel and I learned to float and fly in a large wind tunnel at iFly. Then yesterday, my friend came over early and helped me hack at this super large root and then dig the hard dirt by my gate in prep for laying concrete and flagstone (this girl is the best digger I've met! Her technique is awesome.... It was great to watch! And yeah... I slacked off a bit and she did some really cool digging that moved dirt fast!) =D
Anyways... Last couple of days, I've been thinking about what a perfect body or life would mean. Who wants to be perfect? I do and I don't...
Well, for one thing, if I was perfect...I'd never put my foot in my mouth, I'd remember everyone's name the first time, I'd ace any test that came my way, and I'd be able to plan for every possible issue with a contingency plan and never fail at anything... Nothing would ever or could ever go wrong! Sounds so tempting right? To never ever fail or look bad or be stupid or get hurt...
If I never say the wrong thing, I'd never understand forgiveness and mercy. If I remembered everyone's name the first time, I wouldn't try as hard to get to know the person and link their face and name with a cool event or hobby to trigger my memory. If I always aced each test, I wouldn't take the time to understand exactly why things are done or how to break a question down into smaller steps to really know the theory behind the answers. If I never made mistakes, I wouldn't need to depend on my family or friends for support...
Perfection leads to independence, boredom, an inability to understand others, stress to meet/exceed expectations... Perfection leads to loneliness... And a perfectly working body would lead me to take my activities for granted...
Lord Jesus, thank you for giving me a body that I can use to do crazy backyard projects with friends! A body that can take a beating in paintball. A body that can run when playing with my church youth. A body that can jump, climb, and tumble without a care . . . But also for the blessing of an imperfect body and lifestyle so that I can see the many blessings I have and appreciate even more the fun I'm having right now.
Lord, I thank you for the courage to make mistakes, the strength to step forward into the unknown because you're by my side. I thank you Father for the peace in knowing that my life has meaning, a purpose not defined by my own abilities and selfish wants, a life worth living and filled with blessings beyond measure by you as my Creator Father who sent his only son, Jesus, to die so that I can be saved... For opening my eyes to see that in this fallen world, I am blessed beyond measure that because my body doesn't always function at its best, I can experience and better feel the love and support of my family and friends. If I was perfect, I would be so much less than I am now... So I thank you Lord for giving me so much more!
May my upcoming surgery be to your will, Lord... I want to heal quickly with no problems or pain, but at the same time, I've seen how much I am loved and blessed... And I don't want anything less than what you have planned for me. . . For i know that my Lord's plan is better and contains more blessings than i can ever imagine! Just give me and those around me strength to stand tall, courage to face the unknown, hope in an ever-loving Father in heaven, peace that what my God calls for me to experience is never beyond what I am capable of handling, and joy that regardless of any outcome (be it for this surgery or for my life)...I am loved beyond what words can express... By my God and Jesus, by my family, and by my friends.
Thank you Jesus for this life I have lived, both the good and the bad... And for the future to come. In Jesus' name I praise my God, amen.
Friday, September 16, 2011
The Good and the Bad
The Good and the Bad
9-16-2011
Life can really suck... or it can be really great!
Back in 2008, I had a benign mass of tissue removed from my small intestine that was larger than the size of 2 fists combined. Yikes! Two-and-a-half years later, my body grows another mass. This time, the mass is already larger than a single fist.
On Wednesday, I see my primary doctor at Santa Clara Valley Medical Center to decide where to go from this point on. She palpates my abdomen. No pain. The tissue growth is difficult to feel so she pushes harder. The primary concern is that this the second large mass in my abdomen. The question is why and what is causing it. Neither of us know.
As I leave the doctor's office, my body hunches forward. Maybe the abdominal palpation aggravated my tissue growth because now I ache deep inside. I have trouble standing up straight. Bummer, I hate looking broken or moving like something is wrong, gets too much attention. I work here. I don't want to look like a patient even if I am one!
I can see my life in two ways: my life sucks and I can't run around, move, or eat like I usually do; or, that life is a blessing and I can still function enough to work. I'll focus on the latter.
My body isn't perfect, nor is it as toned as I prefer, but I can walk. I can work. I still have my feet, my hands, and I can still treat my patients. Yay!!! I may not do things as quickly and effortlessly as I prefer, but when I put my mind to something, I can still do lots of stuff... I just have to hold back on paintball, rock climbing, and stuff like go-karting.
The best part is that I know I am loved by my husband, my family, my friends. Beyond that, I continue to see God's love for me through his constant provisions like this last-minute doctor request for some blood testing. God frees up time in my work so I can get my blood sampled during work hours. Yay!
Still, I dread getting my blood drawn. Well, not the action of the needle sliding through my skin, but I'm dreading the super long lines. I hate waiting!
Walking into the reception area... wait, is there no one here? Am I in the right place?
Stepping forward, I reach out my right hand to pull a number. Before I can rip my number off the roll a lady walks out and says, "I can see you now. Come in." What??? No line? Nice!!!
While we walk to the back room, the lady tells me that the line was so long yesterday that people waited over an hour to get their blood drawn. Praise the Lord! Even seemingly impossible things can be made possible by God. *grin*
Father in Heaven, thank you for letting me see your blessings! Even when things don't go my way, it's going exactly as you've planned. I don't know why I have to be sick or sometimes feel bad... but at the same time, I get a chance to know a little more about what others go through when they suffer physically. I can better understand what my patients feel when they hurt or feel hopeless. Thank you that I have this opportunity to learn a little more about perseverance and pain so that I can better connect to others. Thank you for blessing me with the understanding of how draining a poorly functioning body is. I want to get better again, but may I never forget what's happening now. Thank you, Jesus, that I have hope in you, that I'm not struggling on my own nor having to depend on my own strength. Thank you, Father, that I can pull hope, peace, courage, and strength from you.
In Jesus' name I thank you Father for all you've done and will continue to do, amen.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Making the best out of tough times
I got my CT scan done early in the morning so that I could go play, I mean work, in the burn unit. Fun!
At 10:30, I get a call from the doctor's office asking if I could go in that same day. Never a good sign. *deep breath* Nothing I can do but face reality.
I gotta say, even though Fridays are super busy, God totally provided!!! I asked to get all my work done before leaving work for my doctor's appointment; everything done just in time! Paperwork, making splints, seeing my evaluations, performing follow-up patient phone calls, and communicating the patient treatment plan for the afternoon and weekend... ALL DONE! I prayed and God answered. God is good!
So yeah, turns out that I have a growth similar to the one I had before in 2007. *sigh* Size is cool... about 10x9x8 cm in size. Kinda big huh? So I'll be going to see general surgery next week and schedule a surgical procedure. Yay? At least things are going to be taken care of and I won't have to worry for at least another couple of years? I hope!
The blessing in this whole thing is that I'll get time off to rest, spend time with friends and family, and maybe even loaf-off in the sun. I really miss that! =D
Another blessing from God is the fact that I now have absolutely no pain. Yay!!!
I think that God definitely knows me best! Because I had unmanageable pain where my physical performance and capabilities were affected, I finally took the time to notify my doctor. *smirk* I didn't do anything sooner because I fear that there was no true source to the pain... that maybe I just caught a cold, am tired from working too hard on too many things, or it's just all in my head. *shrug* My symptoms were initially very vague so it actually takes a lot for me to say something. Basically once I'm completely unable to function, I'll admit that there's a problem. Unfortunately, this means that I'll need major surgery this round instead of something small. *sigh* Talk about stubbornly stupid huh? *wry grin*
Here's my prayer:
Father in Heaven, thank you for knowing me best and giving me hope even in tough times. I ask that you continue to help me see the blessings when things are tough, help me to not always insist on doing things my own way, and give me the strength to keep walking forward. I'm not asking for a perfectly healthy body, but I do ask that you give me peace and joy in whatever circumstances I find myself in. Help me make the most of this body that is your temple. Let me honor you and serve you with my body and my soul.
In Jesus' holy name I ask, amen.
At 10:30, I get a call from the doctor's office asking if I could go in that same day. Never a good sign. *deep breath* Nothing I can do but face reality.
I gotta say, even though Fridays are super busy, God totally provided!!! I asked to get all my work done before leaving work for my doctor's appointment; everything done just in time! Paperwork, making splints, seeing my evaluations, performing follow-up patient phone calls, and communicating the patient treatment plan for the afternoon and weekend... ALL DONE! I prayed and God answered. God is good!
So yeah, turns out that I have a growth similar to the one I had before in 2007. *sigh* Size is cool... about 10x9x8 cm in size. Kinda big huh? So I'll be going to see general surgery next week and schedule a surgical procedure. Yay? At least things are going to be taken care of and I won't have to worry for at least another couple of years? I hope!
The blessing in this whole thing is that I'll get time off to rest, spend time with friends and family, and maybe even loaf-off in the sun. I really miss that! =D
Another blessing from God is the fact that I now have absolutely no pain. Yay!!!
I think that God definitely knows me best! Because I had unmanageable pain where my physical performance and capabilities were affected, I finally took the time to notify my doctor. *smirk* I didn't do anything sooner because I fear that there was no true source to the pain... that maybe I just caught a cold, am tired from working too hard on too many things, or it's just all in my head. *shrug* My symptoms were initially very vague so it actually takes a lot for me to say something. Basically once I'm completely unable to function, I'll admit that there's a problem. Unfortunately, this means that I'll need major surgery this round instead of something small. *sigh* Talk about stubbornly stupid huh? *wry grin*
Here's my prayer:
Father in Heaven, thank you for knowing me best and giving me hope even in tough times. I ask that you continue to help me see the blessings when things are tough, help me to not always insist on doing things my own way, and give me the strength to keep walking forward. I'm not asking for a perfectly healthy body, but I do ask that you give me peace and joy in whatever circumstances I find myself in. Help me make the most of this body that is your temple. Let me honor you and serve you with my body and my soul.
In Jesus' holy name I ask, amen.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Broken in Body Only
I fear going to sleep.
Recently, at night, my abdominal area hurts so much that I can't move, can't sleep... I feel hopeless and weak and broken. The pain meds take 25 minutes to kick in. Once the meds are working, I can start to move again; but until then, every single abdominal muscle twitch or external pressure feels like I'm getting torn into two. Praise God that this only happens at night.
My doctor has to wait until the test results are in. In the meantime, I'm scared. I don't want another surgery! I just want the physical problems to go away... but things have been escalating fast these past 2 weeks. *sigh*
I don't want another tumor, even if it's supposed to be benign. Grrrrrrrr... at least, I want the doctors to find out the cause of my problems. Not like the last time; my first mass took them over 6 months to find and then longer to do something about it. *grimace*
For now, I pray:
Father in heaven, may your name be praised. Thank you for creating this body, even though it's broken and hurting. Thank you that I can still move, that I can still feel, that I can still serve, that I can still see. Even as my body wears out, Lord, please work in my heart so that my attitude, words, and actions may reflect your presence in my life. Help me to make the most of the time you've given me (not like I plan on dying anytime soon... still got way more stuff I wanna do) and give me the strength to keep serving: my husband, my work, the youth ministry, my friends and my family. Please help the doctors figure out quickly what's wrong (I wanna know too). And Lord, please either just heal me or provide the appropriate people/techniques to heal me completely. Give me the strength to do as you've called and may my actions speak louder than words how important you, Father, are in my life. May my lifestyle bring you honor, and may my heart sing your praises!
All this I ask and more... In Jesus' name, amen. =D
Recently, at night, my abdominal area hurts so much that I can't move, can't sleep... I feel hopeless and weak and broken. The pain meds take 25 minutes to kick in. Once the meds are working, I can start to move again; but until then, every single abdominal muscle twitch or external pressure feels like I'm getting torn into two. Praise God that this only happens at night.
My doctor has to wait until the test results are in. In the meantime, I'm scared. I don't want another surgery! I just want the physical problems to go away... but things have been escalating fast these past 2 weeks. *sigh*
I don't want another tumor, even if it's supposed to be benign. Grrrrrrrr... at least, I want the doctors to find out the cause of my problems. Not like the last time; my first mass took them over 6 months to find and then longer to do something about it. *grimace*
For now, I pray:
Father in heaven, may your name be praised. Thank you for creating this body, even though it's broken and hurting. Thank you that I can still move, that I can still feel, that I can still serve, that I can still see. Even as my body wears out, Lord, please work in my heart so that my attitude, words, and actions may reflect your presence in my life. Help me to make the most of the time you've given me (not like I plan on dying anytime soon... still got way more stuff I wanna do) and give me the strength to keep serving: my husband, my work, the youth ministry, my friends and my family. Please help the doctors figure out quickly what's wrong (I wanna know too). And Lord, please either just heal me or provide the appropriate people/techniques to heal me completely. Give me the strength to do as you've called and may my actions speak louder than words how important you, Father, are in my life. May my lifestyle bring you honor, and may my heart sing your praises!
All this I ask and more... In Jesus' name, amen. =D
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Welcome! =D
Hiya Everyone!!!
Esther convinced me to start blogging about my stories and my outlook on life. =D Thanks Esther!!!
This likely won't be consistent since I'm too lazy to write what I think . . . but I'll try!
I want to share the awesome things God does in my life . . . my struggles, joys, learning experiences, failures . . . my goal is to use this blog thingy to share how awesome God is, how I'm so blessed to have Jesus in my life, and how I personally struggle and grow alongside each of you.
Jesus promises hope and peace in him. . . he never promised an easy or stress-free life. *smirk* So I want to share my life as I see it . . . with you. =D
I want to thank all of you for being such great friends . . . I've learned this past week the strength of friendship, the importance of community, the peace found in having an all-powerful God in my life through my faith in Jesus, and that I am loved beyond what words can express. Thank you all for being such an important part of my life, for molding me into what I am today, and for always willing to be there. (So focused on me. . . *grin*)
I'll write more about my crazy backyard adventure later. . .
Esther convinced me to start blogging about my stories and my outlook on life. =D Thanks Esther!!!
This likely won't be consistent since I'm too lazy to write what I think . . . but I'll try!
I want to share the awesome things God does in my life . . . my struggles, joys, learning experiences, failures . . . my goal is to use this blog thingy to share how awesome God is, how I'm so blessed to have Jesus in my life, and how I personally struggle and grow alongside each of you.
Jesus promises hope and peace in him. . . he never promised an easy or stress-free life. *smirk* So I want to share my life as I see it . . . with you. =D
I want to thank all of you for being such great friends . . . I've learned this past week the strength of friendship, the importance of community, the peace found in having an all-powerful God in my life through my faith in Jesus, and that I am loved beyond what words can express. Thank you all for being such an important part of my life, for molding me into what I am today, and for always willing to be there. (So focused on me. . . *grin*)
I'll write more about my crazy backyard adventure later. . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)